Keeping It Real

Oh how I would love to tell you that I've had another week full of blessings!  Actually it did start rather well.  I realised last Sunday that I was going to be on jury service the week my eldest daughter goes off to university for the first time.  I was so cross that it had me up half the night moaning and whinging to God that it wasn't fair.  I was still sad in the morning but knew I could do nothing about it.  However that God who can do immeasurably more than we can imagine intervened by sorting it all out with the jury service system Himself.  I had a phone call mid morning as I was up to my eyeballs in ironing, it was a very nice man from the courts asking me if I could postpone my jury service until November.  It was so funny, I actually ended up explaining what an answer to prayer his call was! The smile on my face was broad and I felt quite excited to discover what else God was going to do with me this week.

Then Tuesday happened.  Chronic health problems really do suck, they are very rarely simple and it can feel like you are being run ragged trying to find solutions to a very complex situation.  So Tuesday was full of Why questions (and maybe just a little raging):

• Why isn't my youngest daughter's physical health getting better?  
• Why hasn't God intervened already?
• Why is God answering some prayers so amazingly and then seemingly forgetting the other prayers that I have been praying for so long?
• Why do I feel like all the fight in me has got up and gone away?
• Why do I need to spend so much time sleeping to still wake up and not feel refreshed? 

I'm sure there were more but I'm too tired to think about them.

The last two days have involved medical appointments for both my girls. One far more positive than the other.  So does that mean God is blessing one of them more than the other?  It sure can feel that way. I know that at times like this I have to hold on tight to the hand of God.  I need to remember that He never lets go of my hand but my grumbling, moaning and self pity certainly make me lose my grip on Him.

Choosing joy and counting blessings are sometimes just harder to do than other times.  Life is often messy.  Maybe this week I have to just accept that the stumbling I have felt this week, is part of a much bigger picture being painted by a God who does care and who is able to do immeasurably more than I can possibly imagine.

Hello!!

I thought I'd better check in, it has been quite a while!  As all things have quietened down on the home and health front, we are settling into a nice quiet routine.  I am still swimming, most weeks managing to get to the club 3 times and clocking up 6km swam and lots and lots of repetitions of my hydrotherapy exercises completed.  My weight is slowly (very slowly) coming off, the good thing about this is that it is staying off, even when I have 'naughty' weeks.  I am now the same weight I was about 10 years ago after I had my children, still a long way to go!

When I am not at the club swimming, I have decided to relaunch my crafting shop on folksy, Mrs Craftypants.  In addition to making things for my shop, I have also purchased my domain name, so you can find out a little more about me over at www.mrscraftypants.co.uk.  There has been the purchasing of business cards and getting out and about touting for business.  This is the bit I like least - I wish I could just make and not have to do the selling!  However this hobby needs to fund it self and so I wondered off to a little shop near by armed with a selection of Easter bits and pieces and they have agreed to sell it for me on a sale or return basis.

Another new venture is the start of doing workshops.  I am starting with a crochet workshop first of all on Saturday 7th March, so I am busy this week writing up patterns, taking photo's to go on the patterns and doing things like writing this blog to distract me from doing what I am really supposed to be doing!!!!!!!!

I will try and keep popping by and keeping up to date with other blog posts, maybe if I set myself a few deadlines then I will spend more time prevaricating and do this more often.

Take care for now xxxxxx

Self Awareness.

There is one problem with becoming more self-aware - it makes it very hard to hang on to your negative behaviour!

You may have seen my last rant of a post and if so you will be pleased to know that my anger and frustration is calming down.

You see, I am aware it is MY anger and frustration.  And what I am learning is........sometimes it is better to just get it out there.  Blow what anyone else might think about it!  I have watched people I love sit on their feelings, refusing to acknowledge them and seen those same people completely self-destruct.

However, when you have spent most of your life relying on the affirmation of others, being real is exceptionally hard.

Trying to explain how I feel when I am still trying to work it out myself is also very very hard.  It takes me some time and an awful lot of thought and energy.

Does it really matter? Would it not be better to learn to just not let STUFF bother me in the first place, to just let it go..........  Or would that just lead me into a shallowness, where I was not really able to connect with others around me?  I suppose I am really hoping that by becoming more self-aware 'stuff' will not bother me in quite the same way as it does with all these hang ups, hanging around.

I have still not quite worked out how to try and mend the broken relationship with my niece - I think I am going to be letter writing.  Things will also have to change a little in our relationship, I was obviously giving far to much of myself for it to blow as it did.  She will soon be turning 18 and will need to rely on me less if she is to have any hope of getting any sort of independence.

Gah! life can be so scary................ what would I do without my faith.  Taking on the responsibilities of the world would most definitely be enough to squash me completely!

So as I go into this new week, I shall keep forgiving those that have upset me (I never seem to be able to do anything just once) and I shall keep giving thanks for the bounty of gifts that I have been given ......

970. Unexpected kind words from a friend.

971. Putting fabric through my sewing machine.

972. Blowing bubbles with each breath as I swim.

973. Watching my dog watching the world go by from the window.

974. Conversations with my daughter in the car.

975. The cup of tea made by my son.

976. Using up the meal, that was frozen from left overs.

977. Green foods, boosting my iron intake.

978. The smell of real fires in the outside air.

979. A hug from a new very little friend.

May your week be full of acknowledged blessings xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Where has my compassion gone?

Have you seen it? 

I must have put it down and now I can't find it anywhere?

I hate the term compassion fatigue!  I'm not tired of being compassionate, I've just lost the ability to have it!

For the last 18 months since my mum died I have been faithfully 'caring' for my niece while she is in an adolescent secure psychiatric unit.  This has involved a fortnightly 210 mile round trip to visit her, almost daily phone calls, regularly shopping and managing her finances.

To be honest in my heart I have been 'caring' for her for the last 14 1/2 years, that is when my sister asked me to take care of her if anything should happen to her or my parents.  Well that something happened and in the last 6 years I've lost the three of them!

My compassion has wondered off in the past.  Over the two years that my niece lived with us I finally snapped, compassion was lost and the following 2 years were spent searching for that compassion, tempting it to come back.

But right now, this minute, I don't think I even want it to come back.  I'm sick of caring.  I want to see progress.  I want to know that this caring can end, that I am not going to be 'needed' like this forever.

And of course the effect of this loss is her ANGER, she is cutting me off.  All the work on our relationship feels lost too.

I COULD summon up the energy to write a letter, to apologise for the things that I have said, but am I really sorry - would that be honest of me?

I really do not know what to do next.  I am trying to do what 'professionals' would advise, I'm exercising, trying to eat okay, not drinking too much.  I really cannot blame this 'loss' on stress, I'm the most stress free I have been in years!!!!!!

So I will do the only thing I know I can do at the moment and continue to count my blessings, the simple gifts that God gives me in abundance that I just need to stop, see and receive.........

960. Leaves blowing in the wind.

961. A baby sleeping on my chest.

962. Watching healthy knees going up and down stairs.

963. The aeroplane bringing my loved one home.

964. The sound of my son cooking.

965. Open windows in November.

966. My swimsuit drying, ready to get wet again.

967. The sounds in the street of life existing.

968. My pot of crochet hooks.

969. Friends dropping round to say hello.

May your days be filled with blessings too xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Holiday On My Own - Part Two - What I did and learnt about myself.

I put lots of pictures up in my last blog showing where I went on my first solo holiday.  So what did I do with myself for 5 whole days by myself......





I dipped in and out the pool from morning till evening!













I did lots and lots of reading.

I did a fair amount of knitting, this was however abruptly ended on the third day by me dropping a knitting needle on the decking and watching it disappear between the gap!

There was a little bit of sketching

I did take my watercolours with me, however inspiration to pick those up did not strike.

I also had a few short walks around the grounds and in the village, though this had to be done first thing in the morning before it got too hot!

My husband had  lent me his MP3 player, so especially while I was knitting, I was also listening to music.  The music for this holiday was

1. Hounds of Love by Kate Bush
2. Song from the Big Chair by Tears for Fears
3. A selection of Robert Palmer tracks.

And that was about it, though I did also learn some more about myself.

• I find it very hard to stop planning out my days!  I wrote a little about my health recently here.  This post explains a lot about why I have to plan out my days when I am in the throws of family life.  What I hadn't realised was how hard it it to shake off the habit when I don't need to be considering anyone else's needs of me during the day.  It wasn't until day three that I clocked that I was still doing this.  I was sat by the pool and going over and over in my head  what my plan for the day was going to be, fitting in swimming and eating when I suddenly  realised that I didn't HAVE to do either of those things if I didn't want to!  More importantly I certainly did not need to plan for them.  It was such fun to find myself making the decision to do what I felt like from one moment to the next, rather than having it planned.  So meals happened when I was hungry, which was not much as I was doing so little!  Swimming happened when I felt like it.  I showered and went to bed when I was tired.  It was all so liberating.

• When I stop talking with people I seem to also be able to quiet the voices in my head.  Over the 5 days I spoke only to be polite or to acknowledge the presence of others.  Once an older chap tried to get me to sit and chat over food, but I was able to politely decline his invitation and stay by myself.  I can only believe that this is the reason the internal voices in my head (except the organising ones as explained above) stopped too.  In fact the negative voices that seem to often abound within me appeared to go on holiday too!  Instead I was able to watch folks, creating stories in my head about them - this was lots of fun!  I also spent a lot of time being thankful for the moments.  Like the moment when I was lounging in the pool and it suddenly dawned on me that I was so happy with that moment.  If I never got to have that moment again, that would be fine, no one can take it away from me.

• I love the liberation of being independent.  I guess because of my health and the needs of my family in my day to day routines I am always dependent on help.  This might be in the form of husband or friends doing lifts in the evening for my children to attend their out of school activities.  Relying on my husband and children to keep the house clean and doing the shopping and sometimes the cooking.  Relying on others to get things for me (particularly from upstairs at home!).  These might sound like small things but they are things that I just cannot do independently.  While away, a lot of things were taken care of for me.  The room was tidied and cleaned everyday.  Breakfast only involved a short walk to the restaurant. Meals only required me to request them!  I now have a slightly better understanding of when my children used to get mad at me when they were little because they wanted to do stuff  'by myself'!

• The internet is fabulous.  Being able to have short written conversations with my family every day meant I never felt lonely.  I knew that I could skype or chat properly if necessary but just having wifi meant that I was fully in control of when I conversed.  

I have returned home with a great feeling of accomplishment as well as feeling very relaxed and ready to do 'normal' life again.  If I get the chance to do this again I will jump at it.  If I don't, then I shall know that I did it and loved it and will always be very grateful for it.

Many Blessings to you x.

Finding my Independence.

I have been feeling rather like this old tree, long dead and decomposing, however my health is improving and I have rediscovered my need to be independent.  In the past I have jetted off to Canada, France, Portugal and America by myself, though have to confess to always having people to see when I got to those places.  However next week I am going off to Portugal by myself, to be by myself and I cannot wait!  There is a little part of me that goes eeeek what am I doing, however I am working very hard to box that feeling away, I do not want it to spoil the good stuff.

Today I decided to give myself a little practise of being independent.  For the last 12 months I have been doing a 210 mile round trip to see my niece in hospital every two weeks - that's at least 26 visits done and there are still plenty more to be done.  We took out National Trust membership a few months ago and this meant I could go and visit somewhere that I have passed the sign to on each of these visits.  That place was Stowe Landscape Gardens.  I had already had a good talk to myself about not trying to do too much, there was no reason to do this as I will be coming past this place many more times yet.  So I thought I would take a few pictures to show you my trip.

It started with a little buggy ride from the visitors entrance to the beginning of the gardens.  Here I discovered that they actually have some little golf buggies that you can book for a two hour slot to drive yourself around the gardens (I know what I shall be doing next visit!).  I asked for advice on how to spend my limited energy and everyone seemed to agree that a walk around one of both lakes was a good start.  Unfortunately I didn't take any photo's (not thinking about blogging) until rain stopped play.

My first picture was the old trunk at the top of this page (this is where my inspiration for a blog started....).  I then noticed this poor tree that had newly fallen and would in some years time go the same way as that trunk at the top.

I tried to pretend it wasn't starting to rain and in my summer short sleeve blouse and skirt I tried to continue.  However I didn't get very far, just around the corner I was forced to take shelter under one of natures umbrellas....

It wasn't too hard to stand and look at this view until the drizzle stopped.

The drizzle got lighter and so I continued until forced to take shelter under more trees right next to these beautiful hollyhocks

It was also this stop that confirmed to me that Autumn is definitely just around the corner.  You can see the leaves changing on this tree.

I should really have made my way back after the first lake, but being me, I ignored my head and my feet and let my heart take me around the next lake.  This view was drawing me in..

While walking towards this I glanced over to the hill on my right and saw this beautiful church..

As I approached this lovely ornate bridge, the rain started again....

So it was a good excuse to sit and ponder and admire and talk to some lovely folks with beautiful doggies!

And of course being a national trust place, there was the obligatory cream tea to be consumed when I got back to the visitor entrance!

So a couple of blissful hours doing something unusual all by myself, I am rather pleased with that, and of course as I got back to my car.........the sun came out!

Bye for now xxx

The Spoon Theory and me.

I first got to hear about the spoon theory 5 years ago, in fact I did a little blog about it here.  The video shows a lady who suffers from Lupus (another autoimmune condition very similar to rheumatoid arthritis).  I do not suffer from the nausea and temperature problems that she discusses but do most of the other things.  If you have time to watch the video then it will really help put the following paragraphs into context.

After a recent very serious and prolonged flare up of my rheumatoid arthritis I have decided to see how many spoons I generally have on a 'normal' day, so here goes......

1. Wake up in my own time, go to the loo, get dressed = 1 spoon
2. Go down stairs = 1 spoon
3. make breakfast and cup of tea = 1 spoon
4. brush teeth and hair, wash face = 1 spoon
5. catch up on paperwork/emails = 1 spoon
6. make and eat lunch = 1 spoon
7. go for a swim, shower and get dressed = 3 spoons
8. make tea for the family = 2 spoons
9. go upstairs and get into bed = 1 spoon 

So there you go my basic day also has about 12 spoons in it.  At the moment the only way I can do other activities is by swapping it with another, for example, when my husband is home, he will make my breakfast, lunch and often tea - that gives me a whole 4 spoons to use on other activities.  Here are some of the other things that I like to do:

1. Drive to church, stay sitting in an upright chair and drive home= 3 spoons.
2. Sit and crochet for a couple of hours (only possible when hands are not to sore) = 1 spoon.
3. Water my garden = 1 spoon
4. Walk my dog = 2 spoons
5. drive to a friends for a coffee = 2 spoons
6. go shopping for an hour = 3 spoons
7. drive to the beach for a few hours with a sea swim = 4 spoons.
8. have a friend round for coffee = 1 spoon
9. do some sewing with my machine = 2 spoons

So to do any of these at the moment, I have to not do some of things in that first list of 9 activities.  And I'm afraid it doesn't end there, life is messy and so there are other things that come in and demand spoons from me........

1. An unexpected emotional telephone conversation = 2 spoons.
2. Tackling the ironing mountain = 3 spoons.
3.  An extra car journey to take something to school for one of the children if they have forgotten something = 1 spoon.
4. Parents evenings at school = 3 spoons.
5. doctor/hospital appointments for me or the children = 2 spoons
6. A trip to the shops for something for tea = 1 spoon
7. Taking/ fetching the children from after school activities = 1 spoon for each journey.
8. Bumping into a friend whist out and standing chatting for 10 minutes = 1 spoon.
9. Getting petrol for the car = 1 spoon

Now the thing about that third list is that any of these always have to take priority over the second list, and problems really occur when I have got to do all the things in the first list and then some of things in the third list.  This will inevitably mean that I end up borrowing spoons from other days which means it is highly likely that I will end up extra fatigued, which makes me vulnerable to become ill or have another flare up.

On top of having to think about all these lists all the time, in order to be able to get done the things that need to get done in a day (and sometimes the things I WANT to do in a day), I also have to acknowledge that there is a spoon thief out there.  My thief comes in the guise of fatigue,illness and flare ups.  Like a thief, I never really know when they are going to strike.  Sometimes as I mentioned before I leave a window open by doing too much, which allows the thief easy access to my spoons.  So what do I do when the thief strikes?

If my husband is at work it means not doing some of the things in list one, so I might not get dressed or go downstairs, this is okay as long as one of my children is happy to bring me a cup of tea and maybe a bit of breakfast.  Phone calls and emails have to wait.  The children may have to make their own tea if dad is at work.  The one activity that I will try all out to do is my swimming as the benefit to my joints of moving them in water is proven to be positive.  However I have to be content not to even swim if I'm bad and just move in the water, have a quick shower and not dry my hair.

On the whole I seem to get through my days okay.  I am however human and I do sometimes feel sorry for myself.  This happened to me yesterday when I went to church and heard all about the holiday club that had been on for children - just 3 years ago this was part of my job.  Now even just getting to the service was an effort.  I know that I shouldn't look back and compare then to now, but sometimes you just can't help it, it just suddenly slaps you in the face.  I nearly didn't go to church because I knew it might make me sad, but then I feel bad and selfish for not supporting the great work that is going on.

In a world where everyone seems to be defined by who they are and what they do for a living it can be very difficult to continually have to make an excuse for not fitting into that definition.  Not that I think the definition is correct, but going against the grain is difficult at the best of times!!!

So there you go, you now know a little more about what goes on in my head.  It's a good job God blessed me with a reasonably organised nature otherwise I don't know how I would manage!

Take care for now,    Jane x.

Decisions and Priorities.

For the last week my mind has been mulling over a situation that is causing me a lot of angst.  For those that do not know, my mother took her own life a year last February.  She had been struggling with her mental health since the death of my sister 4 years prior to her death.  She then lost her soul mate, my dad just over a year prior to her death.  This caused a critical psychotic episode which meant she had to be hospitalised.  As she was staying with me 200 miles from 'home' when this happened she was hospitalised near me to.  After three months she was well enough for discharge and she was encouraged by the hospital staff to stay in the area so that she could have continuity of service.

The mum that was discharged was quite different from the one that had gone in.  For the first time in a long time she was talking about her very troubled, abused and traumatic life as a war baby in post war Germany. This life continued right up until she met and married  my dad at the age of 18.  She was treating herself to new clothes (and bought me things when it was not a special occasion - this never used to happen).  She was going swimming with me regularly and often persuaded me to get on and go even when I was low.  She went away on holiday with a friend.  She was making plans of things she wanted to do.  She rented a bungalow with an overgrown garden and was in her element sorting it out and making a vegetable plot.  This state remained for about 7 or 8 months.

She had booked to go away again in the October/November (with the same friend to the same place), she had hoped this would help her over the horrid first anniversary of my dad dying and the anniversary of my sister's passing.  By the time she went I had already noticed she was not so good.  She was far more anxious about what she would wear and couldn't make decisions about buying new things for the holiday.  She then had the trauma of discovering when she got back that her landlord had put the bungalow on the market without even telling her.

Within weeks of returning she told me that she wanted to die and was struggling to stay alive.  Having not heard her talk about the community mental health team that had been looking after her and knowing that her Community Psychiatric Nurse (cpn) had moved on, the only course of action I could think of was to contact the GP.  They were great, they saw her straight away and were horrified at the state of her and the fact that she appeared to have fallen through the net with the community service.  By this time she was asking to be readmitted to hospital.  It is only now with hindsight that I can see how big a deal this was.  Her time in hospital had not been a 'good' experience, she had not been happy to be there.  Therefore asking to be admitted was probably a very difficult decision for her to have made.  The GP got onto the community team and arranged for someone to come out that afternoon (it was Friday).  I made sure I stayed with her all the time.

When the CPN ( one I had never met or had any contact with) arrived, she informed me that she had taken over mums care and I should have contacted them not the GP.  However when I informed her that I had no idea that they were still involved as no-one had contacted me since the old cpn told me he was leaving, she was at least apologetic that she had not been in touch with me.  She then proceeded to tell my mum that she could not be admitted back to hospital, the unit she had been in was now a dementia unit and there were no beds.  A discussion had been had before she came out to visit with the community psychiatrist and her medication had been increased.  Medication was one area that I had refused to get involved with - I have enough trouble controlling my own!

By December there had been no improvement, if anything she was slowly going more and more into a depressive stupor.  She had almost stopped going swimming with me.  I was having to go and fetch her to come round for tea, whereas before she had happily walked around.  I had found her somewhere to live - a lovely place just around the corner from my home.  She was anxious about buying it, but was doing the purchase herself along with the estate agent and solicitor.  I had to ask my brother to invite mum to his for Christmas to give me a break as now my caring role was becoming a daily activity.  He was very shocked to see how downhill she had gone.

At the end of January she had a review with her CPN, I had spoken to the cpn before the meeting to inform her that mum wasn't washing and was spending most of her time in bed.  During the review, mum was very quiet but voiced her anxiety about the move and life in general.

Then February arrived, a date for completion on the property was made, everything was set for exchange.  Then out of the blue I could not get hold of her.  After eventually having to break into her property I found her conscious but unresponsive and a pile of medication packaging next to her.  After being blue lighted to the hospital it took about 6 hours before I was finally informed that she was not going survive.  I was told it could take several days for her to die, thankfully she only lasted until the following lunch time.

Because of the nature of her death we have had to have a coroners inquest.  The coroners clerk regularly called and updated me on the process of the inquest as reports came in (or didn't in the case of the community services).  I was then given a date in December to attend and all the reports they had received were sent to me to read before the court appearance.  However I noticed that there was still no report from the community mental health services.  I said this to the coroners clerk when we arrived, he then went and discussed this with the coroner.  It was then decided by the coroner that the case should be adjourned as it was vital for a full report from the community team to be there as they were the only ones with regular contact with mum.


Last week I finally had another letter from the coroners office to say a new date had been set for next week and they also attached a report from the mental health team.  This was no ordinary report, it was a critical incident report which they had, had to complete for the health trust.  It was dated MARCH 2013, just a month after mum had died.  So I am left wondering WHY?????, why wasn't I informed that the report had been done, why had they not sent the report back when information was first requested from them by the coroner.  Why was so much of the information contradictory and in some places wrong.  Why was the appendix that should have been attached with a time line on it of their interventions with mum missing.  Why was there not mention of the change in CPN.  To say I was furious does not give justice to how I immediately felt.  Grief and anger came clashing into mind.  One week on, thankfully I am becoming calmer about it all.

So now, what do I do?  I decided to try and get hold of the person that wrote the report or one of the people on the management team that were named on the report.  A call was made 5 days ago, I was told I would be called back and that still has not happened.

How much time do I invest in this?  I am concerned that I am going to get to the inquest hearing next week and get too emotional to voice any of the above whys to the coroner.  Will he be interested anyway?  Trying to discern the right course of action to take has been exhausting.  Fortunately I have been able to talk through with my counsellor this process and she has helped me to look at how it is all affecting me.

Nothing I can do can bring my mum back.  However if I do nothing about these concerns and I keep them to myself, it is going to feel like I'm keeping some sort of secret inside of me.  This secret will never go away, I might find I can box it up and put it on a shelf in my memory, but it will never go away and as my mums experience has shown me, sometimes those secrets can manifest decades later when the mind comes under pressure.

So I have written this all down.  That is my starting point.  Next I need to sit down with the horrid report and mark clearly the bits of it that are wrong or that I do not understand (contradictions).  I am then planning to email the coroners clerk on monday with all my questions, so that I am not able to voice them during the inquest they can still be brought up.  I think I have also made peace with myself that if the coroner decides that no further action is warranted, I have to accept this.  However if this is the case I can still write to the health trust and let them know how viewing that report almost a year after it was written caused me too much upset.  I can also let them know my concerns about the details of the report.

If on the other hand the coroner thinks it needs further investigation, I can leave this to him to do.  It is not something I can do.  I may have quite a strong moral and ethical stance on injustice, but I do need to look after myself as well.  I still have a young family to look after, I still have a niece in an adolescent mental health unit, for whom I considered next of kin even though she is under the care of social services.  I need someone else to fight this battle for me if indeed it needs fighting.  Hopefully I can start to let go of all this unrest inside of me.  I am very much hoping that by this time next week I will be at peace with all the decisions that have been made.

Just to Tired.

                                                 picture from goggle images.

 
Have you ever been so tired that the longing of getting into bed consumes all your thoughts?

I have been having problems sleeping for many years now.  Sometimes it has been because my head has been full of emotional turmoil.  Most of the time it is because of my rheumatoid arthritis.  You see when I get into bed there is nothing to take my mind off what is happening with my body (unless there is emotional instability about other stuff!).

At the moment I am having to rely on medication to get me to sleep.  The only other solution that works is alcohol, though this sleep is usually very short lived!  The only problem with taking medication is it seems to do something to my dream life.  I wake up and cannot remember what has really happened and what was dream.  Occasionally the dreams are very disturbing, like the other night when I was living in some sort of slum being lorded over by bandits who were raping all the young girls!  Then other nights I can be convinced that my daughter and the dog have visited me in the night and have to take my husbands word for it that they didn't.

Whether it is just a culmination of lack of good quality sleep or something else, since lunch time yesterday sleep is all I want to do.  I went to bed about 7 after taking some meds. Apart from a couple of short wake ups I slept 'well'.  However today, just tidying up one small cupboard this morning has zapped all energy from me once again.  I gave in at 12.30pm and went to bed.  My lovely husband came and woke me at 2.30 and by 3 I managed to drag my self out of bed.  All I have managed to do since then is have something to eat and watch crappy tv.  All I want to do is go back to bed. 

In the past I have never been the sort of person that can sleep during the day.  I need to take medication to get me to sleep at night (even when I haven't slept during the day), then have problems waking up in the morning.  During the day I can just get into bed and go straight off.  None of this makes any sense.

I am sitting here thinking I could do a bit of crochet, or knitting - but the thoughts are fleeting, what I really want to do is go back to bed.  I need a bath or a shower, but I know if I do one of these, the chances of me not going straight to bed afterwards are very very slim.

The problem with me being tired is not really my problem.  I could quite happily just go and get into bed again.  But how do you explain to your children (even teenage and almost teenage) that the amount of sleep you have at night time is just not enough.  How can I stop my lovely hubby from worrying that there isn't something terribly wrong with me which is making me sleepy.

I do wish I had an on/off button with a recharge capacity.  These laptops and other whizzy devices don't know how lucky they are!

Hope for the Hopeless

What do you do when you are told that this might be as good as it gets?  What about all your hopes and dreams?

I am talking about my niece, her mental health has once again deteriorated very quickly, she is harming herself worse than she has ever done during this 6 month admission.  Three weeks ago we were planning her discharge as she was doing so well. 

I have sat in a meeting with all the 'professionals' caring for her for two hours this afternoon.  The general consensus appears to be that this could well be as good as it gets.  REALLY? FOREVER?

My heart is broken enough from all the losses that have driven her to the place where she is, how on earth can I keep it from shattering completely?  It isn't even just an emotional pain that I feel anymore, my heart actually aches so that it catches my breath.

I cannot possibly accept this is as good as it gets surely?  Where is my hope in a God that heals, whose heart is for the broken and the orphaned?  Do I accept what they say and so start to guard my heart from the pain that it is going to have to continue to endure for her?  Or can my God give me the strength to stand firm, to endure the pain and to hope eternally?

I so HOPE it is the later,  shortly after she stopped living with us I did much of the guarding myself from the pain.  I managed it for about 12 months before the cracks in this plan became to deep that the pain started to spill.  I then had to give up work because of the deterioration in my health.  I do not want to go there again.

I guess all I can do at the moment is make this my prayer and have that same HOPE.

2 Chronicles 14:10-12

Good News Translation (GNT)

¹⁰ Asa went out to fight him, and both sides took up their positions at Zephathah Valley near Mareshah. ¹¹ Asa prayed to the Lord his God, “O Lord, you can help a weak army as easily as a powerful one. Help us now, O Lord our God, because we are relying on you, and in your name we have come out to fight against this huge army. Lord, you are our God; no one can hope to defeat you.”¹² The Lord defeated the Ethiopian army when Asa and the Judean army attacked them. They fled,

A New Season?

 

After a busy morning sorting out paperwork as one of my mums executors I decided to take a moment and hang out my first lot of washing on the line this year

I am finally starting to believe that a new season may be coming upon us.  There has been a change in my niece (still in a mental health unit) this last week as well.  Those looking after her are not quite sure what is going on but for the first time she appears to be behaving completely out of her own control.  It is a very strange thing to see.  The strangest part being that she is actually being so nice and sweet, it is almost like a regression is taking place, she is more like she used to be when she was a little girl (she is almost 16).  For the last four years she has been bound my anger and aggression which has got her into a lot of scrapes.  Even on her best days there was an air of 'don't make me angry' about her.  Spending a couple of hours with her last weekend was nice if not a bit odd.  Unfortunately she has also developed a lot of obsessive compulsive traits at the same time which are really hampering her ability to move around.  Your continued prayers for her are very much appreciated.

In my garden this year my snowdrops have definitely been the best they have ever been.  They all came with me 11 years ago when we moved down here from Cheshire where I had purchased them at several different gardens we had visited.  I love the photo at the top of this post with the contrast of their white and green against the lovely little narcissus.

My wiggly raised border is certainly shouting out Spring is Coming.  As are these beautiful primroses

Come on Spring, I am getting impatient for a new season to dawn.

It's all so quiet - shhhh shhhh shhhh

The song from bonkers Icelandic singer Bjork is going round in my head this morning as my house is soooooo quiet.

When you can hear a tick from the pendulum of a clock, the sound of your own steady breathing, every creak of the bed or seat you are sitting on you know you have found quietness.

I just love it. 

I know if I go outside it will not be quite so quiet.  There will be bird song and fluttering leaves as the squirrels go about their business in the woods besides us.  There will be the sounds of people jetting off to foreign climbs.  Children playing in gardens around us.  Car doors opening and closing.

It is so tempting to stay curled up in my indoor cocoon.  The sounds in the outdoors I know will make me want to do something.  Especially when the sun has finally come out after so many months of rain.  Yesterday they talked me into a little gardening, a little pegging of washing on the line.  Today my body is telling me too much. 

Will I ever learn to go be amidst the sounds of life and not be tempted to try and join them?

I remarked to my husband this morning as he took the children off to a church service where they will be playing their instruments, that soon he might start getting the sympathetic looks and offerings of casseroles as people think he is bringing up the children alone.

One thing I can do in this quiet however is go through my daughters final year of primary school life.  Over this week the coffee table has become more and more laden with books, folders, pictures and projects.  I will look at every single one.  I will recall the stories she has told me of things that she did on a particular school day and enjoy seeing what she was describing.

I'm sad that I couldn't make it to her leavers assembly where each child gets presented with a bible.  I'm sad that even if she had wanted me to I couldn't have walked to fetch her on her final day at the school she has been at for the last seven years.  The school that first drew us to come and look at houses in this area.  The school that we noticed was right next to a church, I still remember the day that we pulled up into the school/church car park one Sunday morning.  We heard a trombone playing and there and then felt God calling us to a new home.

But dwelling on that makes me melancholy - too many sad things have happened in these last seven years.

For now I shall go and make myself a cup of tea (at least I can move around reasonably pain free at the moment) and settle down with the books and folders, pictures and projects.

xx

Blessings.

I've been feeling a little low over the weekend and can think of no better way of lifting my spirits than remembering the little things that I have been blessed with this last week:

800. Neighbours dog barking much less.

801. Spending time with friends.

802. News of a couple getting engaged.

803. Generous friends.

804. Having the time to help when we are asked to.

805. Having the time to rest when I need to.

806. Pain relief.

807. Chats on twitter when I am home alone.

808. Being able to make a simple healthy meal that the family devour and enjoy.

809. The sound of the rain in the night when I am tucked up nice and cosy.

Now I must get on with the task of filling in forms for secondary school for my 11 year old daughter.  How fast time has flown, she has her induction day tomorrow and I can see that she is quite nervous about it.  I can't believe that it is only a year since I was feeling the same way about my son moving on!  He is thriving in this new environment and I am so praying that my less academic daughter might do to.

Still Resting.

I have had a week of big decisions finally made, I am still quite unwell but the rest is definitely doing me good.  We have had some lovely sunshine this weekend and as hubby had the weekend off we have managed to get my veg patch sorted with new extra high raised beds that I can now reach easily.  My mum came and helped to replant all the strawberries that she had lifted from my old patch, as well as planting some of the seedlings that she had grown for me, peas, pumkins, broccoli and lettuce.  I have some carrot seeds to plant which I might try and do this morning as we are expecting rain this afternoon.  I will post again later this week when I will be able to tell you about those big decisions.

750.  Grace and peace lavished on me from my Father in Heaven.

751.  Freshly mown grass fragrance.

752.  My husbands healthy body!

753.  Another lovely film night last Friday.

754.  Taking my niece to church for the first time in a year.

755.  Finishing a little crochet doll to go with my daughter to school this morning as a mascot to help her get through a week of SATS exams.

756.  Lost photographs found.

757.  Finding a new on-line yarn retailer providing great value and excellent service.

758.  Kindly neighbours picking my daughter up and bringing her back home when she fell off her bike.

759. Watching my neighbours two grandsons (aged 1 and 3 yrs) washing their family cars.

Too Spoilt

While in Florida 'The Sunshine State', I was allowed a luxurious hour and a half in a craft shop with my daughter.  Everything comes bigger over there even the craft shops.  I could have spent a lot longer browsing but knowing where my weaknesses are I decided to give lots of the fabric aisles a very wide berth so that I was not too tempted.  Something I did find was the yarn that I have made into a crocheted dishcloth.  It is Lion Brand Recycled cotton yarn and is aptly named Sunshine, now whenever I go to the kitchen sink a little bit of Florida Sunshine shines up at me :o).

It was lovely yarn to work with and I will definitely do some investigating to see if I can get some more of it, here in the UK.

Another little project I have been working on this week is this:

I bought a knit and crochet magazine which came with this yarn plus a blue and a red, the colours really sang out to me.  However once I started to use the yarn (100% acrylic) I realised just how spoilt I have become using mostly organic cottons.  It was scratchy and difficult to keep the tension  with (hence the wobbly look!). I decided to make a little project bag as I am getting into the habit of having several projects on the go at once (this helps me to craft a little longer each day without too repetitive movements making me stop).  With more than one project I seem to be constantly getting my yarns, crochet hooks and bits of crochet all tangled up.  This little bag will just do the trick and I have lined it with some fabric that came from the above named shop in Florida so that my hooks do not fall out!

And look there is another little project ready to find a home in here already using Sirdar Simply Recycled cotton - can you guess what it is going to be.  Maybe it will be in my next post.

Exhaustion

I have been searching for metaphors to try and describe how I am feeling at the moment.  I can't seem to find the right words to describe it, therefore a metaphor seems to be the most sensible way to go.

Life feels a little like I've been stuck in a snowstorm.  My head as been down and I have been battling through it.  Only now that the storm has subsided (I am very much hoping it's not just a temporary reprieve), that I am able to start taking stock of the changes that have occurred while things have been buffeted and buried by the snow.

It seems quite funny that this has coincided with what looks like the start of Spring in my real world.  My daffodils are out and I am watching for signs of life to see what has survived the winter.

It is now that I am started to feel things that have been buried deep. 

I miss having a third child in my house.  It still feels wrong at bed time when there are only two rooms to look into.  It still feels wrong at the end of the school day when only two children come home.  For two whole years we were five and I do not know how I will ever get used to being just four again.

I miss the life that mum and dad shared together.  There is a hole now that my dad is gone and I know it is a hole I will just have to get used to having with me, nothing will fill his place.

I seem to be in a place of taking stock and I can't believe how exhausting this process is.  It is making me not just tired but snappy with those around me as well.  I am so hoping and praying that I might be able to get over this period at least in part in time for our holiday (less than two weeks ago).  I am making a deal with God at the moment (I know that is shouldn't really be doing that!), I will give him these next two weeks and look forward to Him giving me a little more energy when I am away and able to give my time to my family.  Your prayers on this would be must appreciated.

When Life gets too busy.

I have just been too busy the last month or so.  So busy in fact that it took me having a week off work and spending good quality time with friends to make me realise just how busy life has been in the last 3 years.  My last post was all about friendships, and I seem to have done nothing but run into story after story, blog after blog about this topic since then.  I am now trying to tackle this, it will no doubt take a little time, it may mean big changes to my working life.  However I am quite sure that if I am following the path that I believe God is leading me down then all will be well,  I just have to be patient.   Praise God!

More blessings for a Monday.

710.  Fabulous childrens Lent activity morning - I love my job!

 711.  Beauty in the hot house.

 712. Drifts of snowdrops.

 713. A small moment amongst tall trees.

 714.  Beauty even amongst that which is decomposing.

 715.  Happy dog.

 716.  A quiet moment with my friend.

 717.  Breathtaking skys.

 718.  Memory making moments.

 719.  Another crochet pot completed for a birthday girl.

Friends

I went along to my counselling session with plans that it would be my last one for a while.  Going along has enabled me to gain far more insight into the way I react to others around me.  This in turn has given me the wisdom to ascertain whether a problem is my own problem or belongs to someone else.  Having both these tools has been invaluable over the last rocky 14 weeks since my dad died and all that ensued.  The outside benefits are:

• I am far more relaxed at home.
• I consider time out for myself as a need and not a luxury.
• Family relationships are going along new pathways.
• There is more organisation/ order in my home.

It is therefore very easy to sit back and say 'that will do'.  However it seems God has a little more he wants me to deal with yet. Will I ever learn that God never wants me to just make do?  With half term approaching we got onto the topic of friendships.  I confessed that I have really not put very much effort into friendships for the last few years (or more).  There are practical reasons for this, when family life becomes chaotic it is natural for friendships to take a back seat.  However I am starting to realise that mine have been on the backseat for so long, that I have got to the point where I cannot remember and don't really feel I  have the skills to be reintroducing them into my life.

Since being a little girl I have learnt how to distance myself from things that hurt.  That is the coping mechanism that worked for me then and so it has grown up with me.  I am now recognising that I might be loosing out on something because of this distance.  With friendships it has been far easier to write a blog and keep facebook updates letting friends know what is physically going in my life.  However to avoid having to talk about it (because it all hurts so much), I have managed to stay away from the telephone and from meeting up with friends for far too long.

I believe friends are a God given gift, maybe it is the shrinking of my family (through death and other things beyond my control), that is making me realise I need to get back on track with friendships.  At the moment that feels like a really big and scary path to walk.  However I know that if I look at practically how far I have moved on since beginning my counselling in September, it should not be too painful to tackle another area.

So to any friends that are reading this, I am sorry and I will start talking again in real life and I am so grateful for your love, care and patience with me.

15 Uneventful Days of 2012.

Well I got to 16 days of a new year before anything too negative has happened.  I am now trying to see the new negative as a positive.  Yesterday afternoon I had to go and tell my mother that her mother had died.  She was 92 years old and had been in a state of severe dementia living in a nursing home for the last 3 years.


It was not totally unexpected (92 years is a very good innings).  Personally it is something I have to confess I have been praying to happen for a while.  In one of my very early posts to this blog which you can find here is a very brief sketch of my mums early life.  Over the last three years I have heard more stories and know more facts about the life she had with her the Aunt and Uncle that adopted her.  It is not nice stuff, in fact I can not recall a single 'nice' thing that I have been told.

Mum has often said to me that she would not shed any tears when her mum went.  She didn't when her 'father' died back in 1992.  His funeral was very swift and brief attended only by my mum and her 'mother', no words, no flowers.

However I was still very nervous about delivering the news last night.  My mum was discharged last week from a local (to me) psychiatric unit after a 10 week stay preceded by a breakdown immediately after my father died back in October.  She got the keys to a lovely little detached bungalow last Wednesday.  She is renting it for 6 months to see how she feels about living in the south of England as opposed to the east midlands where she has been for the last 44 years.  Last Sunday my brother brought down most of her possessions from her old house and we spent the day setting up her new one.  There were some tears, it felt odd, a bit like bringing Dad down too (he had made most of the furniture).

You might now see where my nerves were coming from.  Mum is still very fragile, we sat for a couple of hours, not saying much.  Just a few bitter and angry words.  I have spoken with her this morning and she says she was able to sleep last night.  I knew that the coming few weeks were going to be testing for her before yesterdays events happened.  Your prayers for her, my brother and me would be much appreciated.

Helping people with a chronic illness.

I have just read this blog and think it puts so eloquently what I would like to say about having a chronic illness that I am not even going to try and use my own words.  The post is all about how people can care for others with a chronic illness.  Fortunately my rheumatoid arthritis has not giving me too much hassle pain wise this last year.  However it is still there, I am still taking lots of very toxic drugs, I still have to be very very careful about how much I do as exhaustion comes very quickly.  This means that apart from my walking stick that I use my illness is quite invisible on the whole.  If you are interested in knowing how you can help people with a chronic illness then do look at Amy Danielle's blog post here. It is a really helpful read.