Tuesday, 14 February 2017

Hiding from Demons

I'm frightened of ...........
Starting to cry and not being able to stop.
Suicidal thoughts, despite knowing the pain suicide leaves behind.
History repeating itself for myself and my daughter.
People not understanding my grief and pain.
Being even more of a burden.
The phone ringing.
Unexpected visitors.
Being anywhere that I might unexpectedly bump into people I know.
Small talk.
Deep talk which might turn into verbal vomit.
Leaving my pain for others to endure.

I'm tired of............
Waking in the night and the hours of waiting for sleep to return.
Feeling sorry for my lot.
Causing people to worry.
Having no energy.
Preparing myself for bad situations getting worse.
Not being able to eat properly.

I'm thankful for ..........
A husband who is fighting to keep me safe when I can't.
My two girls being in safe places.
My son's few, but reassuring words.
My church family. Never in my Christian life have I experienced love or a safety net of prayer  like this.
Friends not taking offence when I can't talk or see them.
Those happy to just be with me in silence.
My GP listening and taking things seriously.
Hot baths, that's where I am now!!!!!
My doggie just being there as close as she can be.
Walks by the sea, who cares if it's freezing.