Greif like Gremlins

I have decided that my grief is like a Gremlin, a lot of the time it is a reflection of the love I have for those that I have lost. I welcome that. I love them so don't want them to be forgotten, like a cuddly toy to a child, some days I may leave them on my bed or a shelf, other days I need to keep them physically close to me.  If you were a teen in the 80's as I was, then you will know what happens when a cute looking Gremlin turns bad.  If they get wet, are exposed to bright light or fed after midnight they turn into the most horrid evil little monsters.

Sometimes my grief turns bad, the Gremlins in my head start to tease and taunt me, I no longer have the people in my life that can tell me that the bad feelings I get are not real reflections of how they thought about me.  So today I have decided to write some of these things down.  I don't need comments or sympathy, I just need to put some of them on paper (so to speak) so that I can acknowledge their existence. So here goes:

"Your mum took her own life so she could be with your dad and youngest (favourite) daughter."

"You were never good enough"

"You took on your niece to try and please others not to do the best for her"

"When are you going to get over your past?"

"You obviously like to wallow in grief"

"Just stop feeling sorry for yourself"

"You should be grateful to not be juggling ageing parents as your children leave home"

"look what a crap parent you have been"

There are many more but that is quite enough for today.  Until now I would cope with all these things in my head by counting the hours til 6pm so that I could obliterate these gremlins with alcohol or sleep (or both).  That time has passed, I can acknowledge that this is a bad way to continue regularly coping with these thoughts. That is not to say there will be times when that will still happen.  Another coping mechanism I use is to keep busy, this has it's limits too, my poor broken body can't keep doing that.  So for today the only thing I can do is be, I know deep down that the things these Gremlins say to me are not true, but I also know they still feel real now and again.  So if I see you in real life then you might notice I'm a bit shut down, I cannot do everything without the crutches of alcohol or busyness.  Thank you in advance to those of you that know me well and will still be there when I reemerge, it could be later today or next week, who knows?

Much love xxxx

A Bit of Reflection

Mirror lakes, near Milford Sound, South Island, New Zealand, taken April 2014 

A thought struck me today (amazing I know!), this time 6 years ago I was living blissfully unaware of the snowball effect of family illness and deaths I was about to have to embrace.  There are times when I am so thankful that I cannot see into the future.

So where was I, 6 years ago.  I was reasonably well, had recently gone back to work (part-time) after a 7 year child rearing break from paid employment.  I was recovering from an unpleasant period of time when our relationship with our previous church had gone sour.  I had started this blog and was spending a lot of time trying to work out who I was and where I fit into life's big scheme.

And where am I now?  I am physically much weaker, I am no longer able to work.  In many ways I feel mentally/emotionally much weaker too.  However I do not see this as a bad thing.  In fact I can look back at that person I was trying to find 6 years ago and feel quite content that I may just have found the person that God made me to be.

This verse from the Bible just about sums it all up, it is written by Paul as he wrote to the Church in Corinth.

2 Corinthians 12:9

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.

Six years ago I was still manoeuvring my way through life with the driver, 'Be Strong' that had been instilled in me from being a child.  What I have learnt is that by saying NO, to this driver, by admitting my weakness, I have been able to accept help that I would have previously refused and definitely not welcomed. That is help from God and help from those around me as well.

I am part of a ladies group within our current church that meets each week to do a bible study.  We have been going through a book and dvd that I found on the internet called, Let It Go, by Karen Ehman.  I do apologise if you now have the Frozen tune going around in your head - it really is nothing to do with that song!  What caught my attention was the first chapter, it is entitled, God Called He'd Like His Job Back.  I could so relate to this!  The problem with my, 'Be Strong', driver was that it doesn't leave any room for God!  All your energy focuses on yourself, and I'm sure this is not only to the detriment of my relationship with God but with those around me to!

Over the last six years I have also seen my marriage become stronger.  This seems to have come about by the letting go a little of strong friendships with others.  Don't get me wrong, friendships are very important to me but it has taken this last six years for me to appreciate that they are definitely second to my relationship with my husband.

I do not have life sorted, I am sure there are still plenty more storms for me to weather in the next six years.  I am very pleased that I do not know what is around the corner and I am very thankful for what I have right here, right now.

Blessings,  Jane x.

People Pleasing.

I seem to have spent the last 40 years doing my very best to please the people around me.  My counselling has helped me to identify the areas in my life when I do this without realising.  I know why I do it and I can't change that.  However I do know that I can change.  So how do I cope with suffering  the consequences - the fact that I will disappoint people.  When I disappoint others it feels like the end of the world.  It is not as simple as just not liking being wrong - though I have been accused of this many times.  No body 'likes' to be wrong, but some people can cope with it far better than others.  I appear to be  the latter.

In the past this has led me to withdraw and 'protect' myself from the issue or people I feel caused the disappointing 'end of the world' feelings that I get.  So friendships and relationships have ended and working situations have changed.  This in turn has ended up with me being even more convinced that pleasing people is the only thing to do.  However this has a downside as well.  For one thing people pleases are false.  If  I am doing it in order to protect myself from conflict then I have to face the consequences, my natural creative self is going to be very stifled maybe snuffed out completely.

Gah - it feels at the moment like a no win situation.  I want to be the person that God created me to be, I want to be able to explore and make mistakes without the crushing feelings I end up with inside when others don't agree with me.  And most of all I want to stop having to 'protect' myself by running away!

Maybe other people who do not suffer with this 'affliction' could learn a little more sensitivity.  It does not mean that they have to suddenly start agreeing with everything I say.  That would solve nothing.  Language is maybe the key - maybe non people pleasers could instead of statements like," I disagree with you because....." make statements like, "could an alternative be ......."  or "my experience is this, which makes me believe ......"

I don't know if this would definitely solve things, but I would love to think that it might help.

Friends

I went along to my counselling session with plans that it would be my last one for a while.  Going along has enabled me to gain far more insight into the way I react to others around me.  This in turn has given me the wisdom to ascertain whether a problem is my own problem or belongs to someone else.  Having both these tools has been invaluable over the last rocky 14 weeks since my dad died and all that ensued.  The outside benefits are:

• I am far more relaxed at home.
• I consider time out for myself as a need and not a luxury.
• Family relationships are going along new pathways.
• There is more organisation/ order in my home.

It is therefore very easy to sit back and say 'that will do'.  However it seems God has a little more he wants me to deal with yet. Will I ever learn that God never wants me to just make do?  With half term approaching we got onto the topic of friendships.  I confessed that I have really not put very much effort into friendships for the last few years (or more).  There are practical reasons for this, when family life becomes chaotic it is natural for friendships to take a back seat.  However I am starting to realise that mine have been on the backseat for so long, that I have got to the point where I cannot remember and don't really feel I  have the skills to be reintroducing them into my life.

Since being a little girl I have learnt how to distance myself from things that hurt.  That is the coping mechanism that worked for me then and so it has grown up with me.  I am now recognising that I might be loosing out on something because of this distance.  With friendships it has been far easier to write a blog and keep facebook updates letting friends know what is physically going in my life.  However to avoid having to talk about it (because it all hurts so much), I have managed to stay away from the telephone and from meeting up with friends for far too long.

I believe friends are a God given gift, maybe it is the shrinking of my family (through death and other things beyond my control), that is making me realise I need to get back on track with friendships.  At the moment that feels like a really big and scary path to walk.  However I know that if I look at practically how far I have moved on since beginning my counselling in September, it should not be too painful to tackle another area.

So to any friends that are reading this, I am sorry and I will start talking again in real life and I am so grateful for your love, care and patience with me.

10 Life lessons learnt this week.

1. Suddenly being widowed at the age of 65 when you left home and married at 18 can be the last straw in keeping your sanity.
2. If you do not know a little of how the NHS and more specifically the mental health services work accessing their services is far too complicated.
3. You cannot always trust your neighbours.
4. It doesn't matter how many friends you have, the ones that catch you when you are falling are worth more than gold.
5. In the midst of chaos you can choose to put your spouse and children first and make them very happy.
6. Reflecting on the book of Job in the Bible is a good way to keep slogging on when the going is tough.
7. Dogs emotions are soon affected by the people around them, but are quickly stabilized if you have loved them well from the beginning.
8. If the occasional waft of cigarette smoke is able to make you want one, immerse yourself in the company of a heavy smoker and you will soon loose your craving.
9. 10 year old girls can show love for their 12 year old brothers no matter how much they bug each other.
10. You have to work hard at having no regrets.

Where I am.

Sorry to have not been around much dear readers, the stress of the last few years has finally caught up with me.  There has been so much change and this week has brought some more.  The photo above is of my two babies (oooh they do hate it when I call them that!) walking to their primary school together for the last time.  Realistically I know that it is probably the last time they will ever walk to school together. So yesterday was the start of their school summer holidays and off they went together to the park 10 minutes away from us for a couple of hours by themselves!  Now that is going to take some getting used to - they are getting all grown up.

I am doing something new to try and get back on track, I am going to have therapy.   Eeeek what am I letting myself in for.  God has been so good to me and managed to quiet me enough to let me hear the advice of my doctor, my employers and my friends.  In fact one friend has cunningly told me that if I did it, it might make her brave enough to go and get help on a specific issue. I'm sure she knew that giving me a reason that made me feel as though I might be helping someone else would work!  I am using a Christian charity based locally, that was on the advice of my lovely employers and my Christian family doctor.

Yesterday I had my initial session, for them to assess what they feel they will be able to offer me, it wasn't a therapy session.  However I am amazed at the insights that were revealed to me as I just talked. I won't be starting properly until after the school holidays.  It feels important that this is something I do in my time and not the time I have for my children, so I have requested appointments during their school day which I can fit my work around.  This will also give me time to complete the summer holiday clubs that I am running at the beginning and end of the holidays at work.

I realise that it is going to be hard work, your prayers would be very much appreciated.  Where I can I will try and share what I am learning about myself.

Thanks for bearing with me.   Jane x.

When God Moves You on.

The trauma that we have faced as a family the last couple of years since my sister died, has totally eclipsed what had been happening the previous couple of years.  I have been reminded of these events this week and wondered if blogging about it might help me to see if there is any clarity on an issue which was deeply wounding and painful when it happened.

When we were first house hunting in the south of England back in 2002 we had a huge area to choose from.  We marked places in an AtoZ that looked nice where there were reasonable looking schools and churches.  When we first pulled into where we now call home it was the school and the church that we found before we found our house.  In fact we could not afford the houses that were in this area, they were all at least £10,000 more than what we were budgeting and it would have meant accepting something smaller than we had already.  Then we were shown the house that is now our home.  It needed a lot of updating and had been on the market for over a year and the sellers were desperate to sell.  Because of this we were able to strike a very good deal and got the house!  The way all this happened made us feel very secure that God was in control.  There were just far to many co-incidences for it to be anything but the RIGHT way to go.

We settled very quickly, threw ourselves into our local community including the church and made some friends that I pray will be friends for life.  There were things that were not great, we often felt very unsupported by the leadership at the church, though they were always very willing for us to come up with ideas and let us get on with them.  This is where my ministry for children began to grow, I was soon co-ordinating all the children's work, from the creche to Junior Church, holiday clubs, craft groups and special services.  I loved it all, there were times when I was brought up short - where I felt my ministry was far more important than anything else (including my husband and children - silly girl that I was).  However this ministry grew and we really enjoyed doing things like the Holiday Clubs together.

I began to feel that it was turning into something more than a volunteer should be doing.  I spoke with some very wise Christians who supported this growing feeling that I had.  I was very aware that I was going to have to go back to paid employment at some point and yet felt terrible at the thought of having to stop all the ministry that I was involved in and could not identify anybody/people to take on some of the roles.   I spoke with our minister about this and he encouraged me to write a report for the church council.

In good faith this is what I did, putting forward a suggestion that they might want to start thinking about whether it would be appropriate to employ someone in the post I had been doing (not necessarily me!).  This was where everything started to fall apart.  The church wardens wrote to me suggesting that I leave my role and that they would not be bringing forward the suggestion to the church council that a paid position should be considered.  I was completely floored by this.  I had expected to perhaps need to have a conversation with them to clarify what was in the report, so this came as a total shock.  I felt accused of trying to make a job for myself and was dumbfounded by having people refuse to discuss things with me.

In a very short space of time I found myself forced to hand in my resignation, we also lost the worshipping community that we had belonged to and had to leave our and our children's friends behind.  We did try a few times to go back, however bad feeling remained and we did not feel at all welcome by certain folk.  Work wise I very quickly found paid employment with the our local council, working with children under 5 with special needs.  It was a maternity cover post so I knew it would most likely end after 9 months, but it was perfect hours and I thoroughly enjoyed it.

.

I was once told by a very wise minister that the best 'ministries' you could be involved in were those that you could set up and then leave without them falling apart.  I am happy to see that the two ministries that I set up from scratch for younger children in our previous parish are still going, 4 years after me leaving them.  Others that I had been involved in (though not set up) have shrunk.  I still do not fully understand why all that happened did happen.

I did go to a workshop recently where we discussed where Jesus sometimes trod softly when things needed to change and sometimes strode in boldly.  Is this what we were being asked to do?  Or did we in our own strength go in with size 10 shoes on when ballet shoes were required?  I am quite content now to leave the wrestling over this alone.  Our family life requires this.  Do I mourn for our old church and the old job - yes - especially at times like Christmas and every time we have to get in the car to go to our present one.  I can even still have times of great regret, however I do still feel God is with me and with the work that I do and so I have to be content that I am where he wants me to be.

Dear Sis - letter number one (I have a feeling there might be more).

I can't believe it is more than 2 years since we last had a conversation.  I know we communicated a tiny bit while you were in hospital those last 3 weeks before you died, but I have to admit that it wasn't really much of a conversation!

I have just been reading Dawn French's book 'Dear Fatty' in which she writes letters to all the people who she feels have played a major part in her life.  Lots of them are to her Dad who died when she was 18, which got me thinking maybe that would be a good way to try and get my thoughts down for you - and for your daughter.

'A' lasted for 6 months at Mum and Dads after you left us (sorry that is just how it feels sometimes, but I realise that this makes it sound as though you chose it and I don't know whether you did or not).  I know it was all part of the hurting process that she was going through but she really did make her point in very dramatic style!  I also think her then new school made a lot of mistakes, with no-one having a clue how to help a child like her.  I can see you raising your eyebrows at that - how many times did you face people who didn't have a clue!

Do you feel cheated dying just at a point where you were starting to do things (like walk!) after so many years of being able to do nothing? If there is one thing that I get very angry about for you it is that.  Maybe I just like the way it made me feel after all those years of moaning at you telling you to get a grip on the life you still had.  I wonder how you feel now about those dark times - do you remember them at all?

I wish I knew how much of those three weeks in hospital you are aware of.  I have still not been able to talk to our brother about it, I know he was the last one to have a conversation with you even though you were in a bit of a delirious state, I know you must have been reasonably with it, as I'm told you told him you were not afraid of dying.  I find that a bit hard to stomach really, surely you didn't want to leave A?  Or did you just know that you were not going to be able to give her what she was going to need through those demanding teenage years?  I'm not sure whether I feel proud of you if it's the latter for honesty or cross with you for thinking anyone else was going to be able to do it!  I most certainly don't feel as though I am doing a very good job at the moment.  Whatever, it's happened now and maybe I am just jealous that he was close by enough to be able to help and have that conversation and I wasn't.

Poor mum is struggling, I think the unresolved grief she had for her mother dying when she was so young, has prevented her from mourning you yet.  Dad soldiers on, I still don't fully understand him, I do know though that he is totally devoted to mum and for that I am grateful.  Just after the first anniversary of your demise he managed to go and have a stroke that certainly came out of no where just like your  ruptured bowel!  He was very fortunate to get to the specialist unit near them where he was scanned and on clot busters within an hour of it all happening.  It has aged him though, he looks more like Grandpa now, I don't suppose you would remember him to well as I only just do.  It's quite shocking to see someone go from looking early 60's as he was to in his 80's in a couple of weeks.  That reminds me - were you aware of how many grey hairs you had?  Maybe they only arrived in the time you were in intensive care, I certainly remember how it started to fall out in that last couple of weeks.

Well I am going to have to sign off for now, the children have had their tea but it baths and showers for all three tonight.  Tuesday is the only night of the week when none of them are out at something!

Love you more J x.

Remembrance Sunday

When I was 18 years old I was told something by my mother which changed the way I look at war.

My mother was born in Hamburg, Germany is October 1946.  Her mother was German, most of her uncles had been fighting with the Nazi's.  Her father was a British serviceman.  When his term in Germany ended he went back to England leaving his pregnant girlfriend behind.  We have a photograph of this serviceman, it is a family photo, he was obviously well accepted attending the engagements of one of my mums aunts.  He never made contact again.

My poor mum was born and then had a very tragic childhood, suffering the death of her own mother at the age of six, child abuse by step fathers (one of whom was put in prison), and then being adopted by a young aunt with no experience of children whose husband went on to abuse my mother until she left home to get married at 18 years old.

So Remembrance Sunday is not a day that I feel I can focus purely on the soldiers who 'liberated' us.  I have to remember the fallout that occurred to 'normal' citizens in 'normal' families like my own in England, Germany and many other countries.  Lives turned upside down and ripped apart because of War.

Fatigue

                                                                 image courtesy of google images.
 
My ill health has been a very strange journey.  It has brought hard times and good.  I have serum negative rheumatoid arthritis, this basically means that I do not show any rheumatoid factor in my blood but I do have raised inflammation markers in my blood and have had lots of other condition ruled out from tests.  It took a long time to get this diagnosis as a lot of doctors consider it a bit of  'I don't know what it is, so it must be nothing' approach towards it.

It feels as though so far there have been four very different stages that I have gone through.

The first 3 or 4 years (14 years ago) were characterised by severe joint pain that took a long time to get under control.  I could not walk very far, I was working as an occupational therapist and had to take about 5 months off work and there was serious doubt that I could return as my speciality required a lot of physical exertion.  Then with the help of finally finding medication that worked (immuno-suppressants) I started to improve again.

I then had two pregnancies within 2 years which led to a very unsettled time again as I had to stop medication for the last trimester in both and while I was breast feeding.

Following 2 or 3 rough years I then had a period of calm which lasted about 4 or 5 years.  I seemed to be very settled on a cocktail of drugs, immuno-suppressants, anti inflammatories and pain killers.  I would have bad days but also good times that would last months.  This period lasted a long time, so long in fact that I was seriously looking at coming off my medication.  I had been able to get back to work part-time, though in a less physically demanding position and not in the health service.  I was trying to walk to work as much as possible (a good 20 minutes walking briskly) and then it all changed again.

I was aware of increasing pain occurring in my knees, I found riding my bike becoming more and more impossible because of this pain.  After investigations it was found that I had developed osteo-arthritis in my knees as well as rheumatoid. It was decided that I would probably get some benefit from having arthroscopies on both knees and clean and smooth them out.  Unfortunately I was one of a very small percentage of people who did not benefit at all from the operation and in fact it made them worse!  On top of that my rheumatoid arthritis became very active (probably because of the surgery).  This has led to the last two years being extremely slow and painful.  The pain is now feeling more in control, I am on new chemotherapy drugs (another immuno-suppressant), I am managing to stay off pain killers just using an anti-inflammatory.

I so seem to be entering a different period though - FATIGUE, throughout the last 14 years it has always been there, but never been the main feature.  I am struggling to cope with it because it is sooooo frustrating!  It seems so silly to have to sit down after filling the laundry basket before I have got the energy to go and put it into the washing machine.  In fact instead of completely resting as I should be - I am blogging right now before I go and put the washing on.

The advantage of having all these different periods is that I know now that there is every chance that this won't stay around for too long.  In the mean time I need to take advantage of finding different ways to do/manage things, I need to consider my priorities very seriously.  These are good things to do, as my children are getting older it is also reminding me how much I need to ensure that they become more independent and not dependant on me.

So I might just stop blogging now, take a rest (perfect praying time) and then go and get the washing on!!!!!

When you can't do anything right!

                                                                       Picture from google images.




I have had a horrible week this week, I seem to be falling out with everybody!  Yesterday for the first time in my life I found myself shouting at my dad!  The result of all this is I feel like one hell of a bad guy - after all I am the common denominator in the upsets.


I wonder if it is to do with just another 'life stage' that we seem to be going through.  There have been a lot of deaths and some very serious illness occurred in our church family this last few months.  Amongst our friends there seems to be an increase in their parents becoming ill and requiring more help and/or dying.  I know I should be feeling compassionate and empathetic towards them all but I don't.  When I see that someone has lived three score years and ten (plus quite a lot, some of them!)then it feels like they have had a long life.  I know this probably all relates to the grief that I still feel over my little sister dying at 36 years old nearly two years ago. 

My husbands parents have both passed away, his father 10 years ago and his mother just over 2 1/2 years ago.  I on the other hand still have both my parents and my grandmother (really my great Aunt on my mothers side). The later is in a nursing home requiring full time care, she no longer knows who her family are, except that she often refers to my mum as being her sister who died 10 years ago.  However my parents no longer feel like my parents.  Since my sister died they have gone from their 'young' real ages (now 65 and 64 years) to elderly folk who can no longer look after others.  I am really struggling with this!  I am not ready to take on more caring!  I am struggling enough looking after my 'new' family. So why do I feel so guilty about letting them just get on with what they are doing and accepting the flack that they give me when I am not 'helping'?

I have been wondering this morning whether this is actually progress - that I have been able to express some frustration to my father on earth.  Through all the trying times of the last few years I have never once felt angry towards God my father in heaven.  I have been told by many that I can be, that it is allowed, that He is big enough to cope with my anger - but I have just not felt it.  Maybe the anger is starting to come out - I just so hope I don't upset anyone irreparably in the process!

Maybe I need to be wearing some sort of danger sign around my neck to warn people of possible explosions  or maybe I just need to stay in doors today and do a bit of crafting!

A Little Catch-Up.

Time runs doesn't stop.

6 months have rushed away.

Much has been achieved both practically and in relationships.

There is a life-time of work to continue, but continue we shall.

In the meantime I am going to try and add a little extra by returning to work.

Just 10 hours a week for the next 3 months.  Then hopefully back to 20 hours come September. 

My Friend Helen.

My husband and I have had the great adventage of getting away for a night this last week, thanks to my parents braving the snowy conditions and coming to look after our 3 children.  We left home on Thursday morning and took a leisurely drive to Sydenham, South London to visit a very very dear friend Helen (she was my bridesmaid).  Since getting married about 18 months ago we hadn't seen her and so it was a great pleasure to go and visit her in her new home and with her 6 month baby boy!  He has the most stunningly gorgeous big blue eyes.  Helen was the person that introduced me properly to my now husband, our friendship has gone through what I would consider  'normal' times, sometimes seeing each other lots, some times having spaces, some times having to confess to behaviour that has affected each other or our other friends. 

It sounds very trite to say that it is during bad times you really know who your friends are, but I have to say that I have really found this to be true with Helen.  I have watched her be a gracious and loving sister when her sis was diagnosed with cancer.  I have seen her stand by practically and emotionally when one of her closest friends husband died just after Helen got married.

But as a friend to me she has just been quietly wonderful, especially over this last year.  She has called me at just the right moments and listened to my grief and frustrations when my sister died.  Having taken on teenage step children since marrying her lovely husband she is aware of the tangle of emotions that surround taking on roles in the lives of children whom those we love, love deeply.  However she is also deeply aware of the differences in our experiences, which probably have advantages and disadvantages on either of our sides. 

So Helen, this blog is about you! I hadn't quite expected it to be quite so gushy over you, but there you go, I love you deeply and thank God for having you in my life.

How amazing  God given friendships are, some may last just for season, but some you hope will last for a lifetime.

My husband and I did move on to have our night away after a fabulous home prepared soup and a good few hours chatting with Helen, but I shall leave the rest of our stay away for another blog.

Miriam.

Along time ago (more than 10 years), I was being prayed for by a wonderful sister in Christ called Ginny, I cannot remember why she was praying for me but my husband was with me.  Before we parted she told me that she saw me as having a life like Miriam.  I don't know whether I looked into this much at the time, I had quite forgotten about it until my husband out of the blue mentioned it to me the other day.

So the last few days I have been reading about her in the Bible (there is not alot in there) and reading some on-line notes that have been written about her life, a very good brief snapshot is given here .  In some ways it is suddenly quite frightening, in other ways quite re-assuring.

I have had a life full of many fantastic blessings and experiences, it has also been punctuated by some very painful experiences.  I am sure it is not unique and many people experience the same.  What I am sure about is all these experiences need to be pondered to consider the way forward.  Miriam made mistakes, I most certainly have done that, however she learnt from them, her faith was strengthened by them and her leadership qualities remained strong.

I am hoping that this is a quality of Miriam that I can have - the ability to learn from mistakes and have my faith strengthened on the journey.

The more frightening aspect of Miriam is her final fate, she never reached the Promised Land with her brother Moses.  Along with her other brothers she perished in the wilderness.  However I can hang on to another aspect of her life that I found out about at this site although she died in the wilderness in a place where there was no water, "Immediately after her death, God gave abundant water to the people, in the form of a spring". Maybe I will be one of the many people who do not make a lasting mark while living but maybe if I can stay faithful to God I might just be able to leave behind a legacy that will continue to refresh others - quite a mind blowing way to start a new year me thinks.

Trying to be Me

For a little time now I have been wanting to change the title of my blog, this last year has been a year of finding myself.  I have to say, I think I might have jolly well done so!  therefore having the title trying to find me just no longer feels appropriate, hence my new title 'Trying to be Me'.
Now I have no idea if this is going to mess folks google readers up or not, if it has then I apologise - though you may not know that I am doing so!

So as I continue to enjoy this Christmas time, and look forward to a new year (and my blog anniversary) I feel like a little change and hope you might come along for the ride.

Where I am at.

I can't believe a whole week has gone by without blogging once, in fact I have hardly thought about blogging - except for thinking I'm not doing it!

I have been feeling rather tongue tied for the last month or so really as I made a decision back at the end of October which has put life into a rather different light. Trying to return to work as a children and youth Pastor for our local Parish did not work. I am mentally and physically still quite a wreck. I know the time of year has not helped with it being the first anniversary of my sisters death, but my knees are still bad and are causing more difficulties to occur in my ankles and my back. Taking on my sisters 12 year old has also been far more challenging than I could ever have imagined. She is dyslexic and is currently being assessed for ADD (attention deficit disorder) which she may need medication for, this on top of her obvious emotional difficulties following the death of her mother! So I approached our church wardens and requested 6 months unpaid leave, if they hadn't been happy to grant this then I would have handed in my resignation.

Having work on top of all these other issues was just too much. It is a horrible feeling to be constantly feeling like I was failing in all areas. It felt so unfair on the people of our parish who pay my wages for me not doing the job. Overnight I felt God reminding me that he wanted to grant my heart desire (Psalm 37:4). That threw up another question to me - what was my hearts desire? After much prayer and searching I realised that what I wanted most of all was to feel as though I was doing something well! It was obvious that I could not do my job well and help my family well at the same time. So the decision was made to make the request that I did to our wardens (this is because I church has been in an interregnum all year so I have not really had a boss!). Fortunately they jumped at the opportunity of me NOT resigning and so I am now officially on unpaid leave!

The relief that I have had since doing this, though it is going to make our finances extremely tight, has been immense. Maybe what I shall do in the weeks to come is make a (small) list of things that I would like to also achieve in this time! In the mean time, it feels like the family is already coping better (or I am with it!). I am really looking forward to enjoying this advent season and quite excited about Christmas this year. Blessings to you all, love Jane x.

Jane Austens House

Last week I had my step mother-in-law from Manchester staying from Tuesday to Saturday. She has always been a regular visit to see us in the South, however with all that has happened to us in the last 18 months (the death of my mother in law and my sister amongst other things) we have not been able to accommodate her. I have not been physically or mentally up to doing much and when discussing what we would do on Friday I was not sure I would be joining her and my husband.



That is until I heard them talking about going to see Jane Austens house in Chawton (about 40 minutes away from us). You can visit their website here. We really did have the most amazing few hours.



It was lovely to be looking around without the children there - that sounds terrible doesn't it? I would love to go around again now (and I will do), taking my youngest, having read all the information on this first visit I know that I would be able to help her investigate her own interests.

It is years since I have read any of Jane Austens work, but now, having seen where much of it was written and knowing so much more about her life it has definitely inspired me to go back to her writings. There were so many personal letters and gifts on display that talk or show things that were put into books.

There were lots of costumes of the era on display, it was great to be able to go right close to them (some were not behind glass, being reproductions made in exactly the way they would have been). Getting so close I could see just how parts were stitched by hand - WOW - they were so intricate, so delicate.


Being in the actual rooms, standing next to the actual table that she wrote on, touched me very deeply. After looking around the house we went for a short walk to the village church where her sister and mother are buried. Walking those steps knowing this was the same journey she herself would have made to the church was just awesome. I had never realised before what sort of a life my name sake had had, especially her dying so young (41 almost my age). We do all have a short time on earth, I am very thankful that Jane Austen left such a wonderful gift in her writing for us to cherish generations down the line.



We also visited Cassandras Cup, for lunch which was absolutely exquisite, decorated with beautiful china tea cups and with a menu that made me feel quite giddy. We enjoyed this so much that noticing that they do Christmas lunches in December my husband and I have booked ourselves in - there were very few places available, so it obviously does have a tremendous reputation. What's more we did notice they have a B&B there, maybe we will have to try and have a hide-away there some time.

So anyone now coming to visit us is going to be encouraged to go along, it may not have inspired my writing too much but boy it has so enticed my creativity I am almost fit to burst.


If you do visit the site, why not look at their blog - it looks quite interesting, I didn't find out too much about their resident writer, Rebecca Smith, though her recently published novel looks very intriguing. You can find out more about her from here.

Finally I was so touched by this prayer which is on display in Janes beautiful handwriting that I thought I would copy it out for you to see:

A PRAYER BY JANE AUSTEN

Give us grace almighty father, so to pray, as to deserve to be heard, to address thee with our hearts, as with our lips. Thou art everywhere present, from thee no secret can be hid. May the knowledge of this, teach us to fix our thoughts on thee, with reverence and devotion that we pray not in vain.

May we now, and on each return of night, consider how the past day has been spent by us, what have been our prevailing thoughts, words and actions during it, and how far we can acquit ourselves of evil.

Have we thought irreverently of thee, have we disobeyed thy commandments, have we neglected any known duty, or willingly given pain to any human being? Incline us to ask our hearts these questions oh! God, to save us from deceiving ourselves by pride or vanity.
Give us a thankful sense of the blessings in which we live, of the many comforts of our lot; that we may not deserve to lose them by discontent or indifference. Hear us almighty God, for his sake who has redeemed us, and taught us thus to pray.

Amen.

How Do you Respond? (I've got a new car he he!)

I have found it very interesting to see how people have been responding this week to my new car. Those folks who know me well also know that I have needed to replace my old corsa for at least 18 months now.

I had my corsa from new (my first ever new car) after I had been diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis, I could no longer drive my old fiesta which was manual and did not have power steering. So my corsa was purchased, it was automatic and a kind acquaintance from church who had a firm that did alterations for Motability put a steering ball on it so I could drive with minimal use of my wrists. Having that car meant I could fully do my job as an Occupational Therapist again, as I used to have to do lots of home visits which meant I needed to drive. This was all more than 12 years ago.

That little car has been brilliant very rarely has it let me down. However with my deterioration in health this year it got to the point where I could no longer easily get in and out of it. The corsa's health has also been suffering and when I got it through its annual MOT this year it came home with a very long list of recommendations!

So I finally got round to phoning our local garage to ask about a car that I first tried out about 2 years ago. I like Vauxhall cars, I like using the same garage - there is a certain amount of trust that builds up when you use the same folks. I called them and said the time has come, I knew the model that would suit my mobility needs, I knew I needed an automatic, I knew that getting a second hand model was going to be very difficult as not many folks drive small automatic cars.

My knowledge was correct - there was only one used car that this garage had access to on the national database (that's the whole of the UK), that fitted my requirements. Therefore it took very little persuading that this was the one for me. If I had wanted to get a brand new one I would have had to wait at least 4 months for it - that was unrealistic. So my choice was made.

Now back to my title question, How do you Respond? to what you might say, in this instance it is to all the folks who have said to me ' wow it's a bit bright isn't it' or ' nice colour' (not giving away whether they are being sarcastic or not). I will not deny that it is a very different colour, it is very bright, I did have to go down to the garage to see a picture of it to be sure I could handle the colour! However when folks who do not know the whole story as to why I have brought this car make a comment about the colour - it has made me bristle. Get real, there is a story behind this decision as there is with most decisions we all make every day. This experience has certainly made me realise that I need to watch how I respond to the decisions that other people make that have consequences for all to see, especially when I have no idea of the stories that have brought about those decisions.

So now I have had my little rant, I shall try and reply politely to all the comments about the colour of my car - having been driving it for nearly a week now, I love it colour and all (It's also very easy to find in a car park).

Some one is Missing.

It was my mums birthday on Sunday. Her first birthday since her youngest daughter died. To do something very different for her we went to the beach. We couldn't have done this with Sally, her wheelchair would never have coped with the sand. It was a quiet and pensive day because we all knew that someone was missing.

Resting

This week is hopefully the last of my official sick leave. I have been off for almost 4 months, that's the longest I have ever had to take off in all my working life. It has been a roller coaster of emotional experiences. From out right relief at having the excuse to focus on my health and my family and that is it. To fear of the future, our finances and feeling trapped with no escape.



It has been very timely to find that Ann Voskamp on her blog Holy Experience has been talking about Resting. This has been another part of my emotional roller coaster in the last few months. The bottom line is I find it incredibly hard to do. I constantly give myself other things to concentrate on, even if that is just silly facebook games (though these have occasionally been a life saver). So this week with gentle reminders from Ann I am taking time to properly rest. I am spending time with God, not constantly wondering what he wants me to do - he gave me a plan last week for returning to work.



This afternoon I took a gentle walk with my husband, we didn't chat about anything in particular but just enjoyed a bit of time holding each others hands and looking at shades of Autumn all around us. This is the sort of resting I am having with God, not constantly chattering or straining to hear, just being with Him, taking time to notice the things He has made and marvel at the seasonal changes He gifted to us.



Returning to work is going to take another period of adjustment - I have no idea how well I am going to do back at work but I do know that it will undoubtedly take a lot of my energy. I am also coming up to the anniversary of my sisters death on November 27th 2008. Work, I am hoping might be a good distraction through this time. Memories and reminders are still so incredibly painful.



For my dear friends who have helped and supported me through this time off I am very grateful. There are many folks who I have not had much (if any) contact with. There are a variety of reasons for this, but I know that those who still consider me a friend will respect the quietness of my friendship at the moment.