Happiness

Do you ever have that feeling that time has stood still or even gone back?  I really struggled through last week.  My mum spent most of it in bed, too depressed to get up and live and on Friday I discovered that my niece had been back in hospital all week after another quite serious attempt on her life - she is still not even 16!

This time last year my mum had just come out of a mental health unit after a psychotic episode of depression (lasting 3 months) after my father died and my niece was in a secure mental health unit. Note the similarities!

I do hope however that I might be in a slightly better place.  I hope I have 'grown' as a person.  A wonderful thing that has been blossoming over the last year has been our church.  We started a new service in January 2012, a four o'clock service, with a more relaxed and contemporary style to the more traditional services that take place in our two churches.  My husband was asked to be on the leadership team of the service, giving him a role which he has been struggling to find during the five years we have now been a part of the parish.  Since finishing my job as the children's and youth pastor in June, I have taken a total back seat and when I have managed to get to the services have just sat and received.  God has been so good.  In November a lovely lady followed up a nudge she felt from the Lord to set up a women's group during the day time and finally I am starting to feel as though I belong somewhere.  So yes I do think I am in a better place.  There are still some bad days when my body may ache a little more than usual and the dark clouds are overwhelming.  However there are far more days when I can get on with life and live it, looking forward to seeing what good things might occur in my days.

I am reading a book about Eric Liddell at the moment, a biography by David McCasland called Pure Gold.  I totally expected it to be mostly about his running career (him of Chariots of Fire fame), however two thirds of this book is about his life - his life as a missionary before being cut down too early in life by war.  His faith is simply remarkable.  There are lots of excerpts from letters and missionary reports that he wrote.  In one he quotes a poem that he received from a friend and I wanted to share it here:

Happiness is to have enough for the day's needs with always some to spare for those who have not.
It is to possess the love of friends and to have the knowledge that all is well with them.
It is to live in peace with all men.
Happiness is to have the strength to face with courage all that the day may bring.
It is to cherish the gift of laughter, to be quick to note all that is lovely and of good report.
Happiness is to find our joy in the common things of life for so will youth abide in our hearts till the end of our days.
Thank God for the gift of happiness.

(page 207) Eric Liddell:Pure Gold by David McCasland

With these thoughts in mind I continue to count my blessings with Ann Voskamp

920. The joy and surprise of my children playing a board game NICELY together (totally unprompted).

921. Sharing lunch and making new friends.

922. Watching my 13 year old get his wooden railway out and build a super track for a 2 year old.

923. Receiving a gift of spring tulips.

924. The joy of taking a 4 year old for a swim and getting her to take her armbands off for the first time.

925. The blanket of snow that covered our weekend.

926. Deliveries of yarn :o).

927. Ideas forming to create something for my daughter's birthday in March.

928. Enough food in the cupboards to make do over the weekend.

929. Christmas chocolates that melt on your tongue.


       
       
           
           
       

Books, Prayers and Blessings.

I am having great trouble with bad dreams at the moment.  I am not aware of feeling particularly stressed, not eating strange food or anything else that I can think of.  Last night during a wakeful hour or two (there are plenty of those as well) I remembered a prayer that I had re-read just recently.  Here it is:

By the authority of almighty God, I tear down Satan's strongholds in my life, in the lives of those I love, and in the society in which I live.  I take into myself the weapons of truth, righteousness, salvation, the word of God and prayer.  I command every evil influence to leave; you have no right here and I allow you no point of entry.  I ask for an increase of faith, hope, and love so that, by the power of God,  I can be a light set on a hill, causing truth and justice to fourish.  These things I pray for the sake of him who loved me and gave himself for me.  Amen.

It is taken from Richard Fosters book, Prayer, which I reviewed many moons ago in this  blog post.  I was reminded of it by the book I am presently reading with a new womens group that has been started at our church.  This book is called God Loves Broken People (and those who pretend they're not).  You can click on the image at the top of this post to have a peek inside it.  We are not half way through the book yet so other than to say I am enjoying it I will not review it anymore until I have finished it.

I had said when sharing with the group that I was going to write this out to pray before sleep, following the example of someone in Shila Walsh's book.  Have I done it - No!  Typical, had totally forgotten about it, today however it will be written and placed on my bedside table!

continuing to count my blessings into 2013.

901. Children doing their chores without me nagging them.
902. Finishing a crochet project just for me.
903. Excitement growing about getting out into the garden, come rain or shine!
904. Routines re-starting.
905. A delivery of birthday cake.
906. A couple of hours or peace and quiet.
907. My brother playing the bad guy to my mum and getting results!
908. The sound of my husband mopping the kitchen floor.
909. Empying boxes out of the loft.


       
       
           
           
       

A Book Review

My mum passed on a book to me last week, warning me that I might find it a tough subject as it dealt with a damaged young girl in the foster care system.  To be honest I was very surprised that she had been able to read it.  The book in question is Crying For Help by Casey Watson.  I read the whole book in a day.  I am not sure this is testament to a great story or just the fact that I had been bed bound for much of last week.

I would not normally look at books in this genre, mostly because anything that is strictly fictional I would probably end up trying to find faults with.  However this book is based on real experiences that the author has had in her other life as a foster carer for seriously damaged children.

The lack of information coming forward from social services, difficulty with children and adolescent mental health services was all too familiar to the scenario that we went through when we were kinship caring for my niece.  The behaviour of the child in question 'Sophia' was so similar in many many ways to our experience, as was the roller coaster ride of not knowing what could possibly happen next as we lurched from crisis to crisis.

There was one point in the story where I became quite angry with the presumptions the foster carer was making about the child's family.  She had no father, her mother was in a persistent vegetative state and she had lived with her uncle for a while until him and his wife became first time parents of a newborn.  The situation of not being able to really KNOW what had happened to the child in the past because of the state of the mother and lack of social services intervention was very similar to the situation we found ourselves in.  The not knowing for sure whether stories are true, based on truth, or imagined/made up is very difficult.  In the author's case she seemed to believe the stories Sophia told her and judged the family quite severely.  I so felt for the uncle, as the story unfolds it becomes apparent that if a professional struggles with Sophia's problems, how was a first time kinship carer supposed to manage them.   I can just imagine how difficult the decision to hand her over to social services must have been.  This book has confirmed that which I already knew - there will be people who come into contact with my niece who will be judging me in the same way.  That is hard to live with.  Though there is nothing I can do about it so there is really no point dwelling on it.

The book is a great story and it did keep me gripped, however I did not really feel that the writing gave it justice - or maybe that is just me getting my own back having felt judged!  The jury is still out on whether I would read another of her books, I certainly would not rush to get another.

Today I am also continuing to count my blessings with Ann Voskamp:

820.  Better drugs giving me pain relief from my back problem.

821.  Unexpected cards in the post from caring friends.

822.  The delivery of some on-line shopping which has helped me be a little less bored in my bed bound state.

823.  Blue sky!

824. Happy daughter as she finished her primary school years.

825. Reading through a years worth of books and papers from her last year at school.

826. Books to read.

827. A husband that has to put up with far too much.

828. A little pumpkin starting to grow in my veg patch.

829. White roses and Gypsophila growing in my garden reminding me of my wedding flowers.

Being Still

I have been dipping in and out of an amazing little book the last few weeks

I was given it many years ago when I was a new Christian and to be honest never really 'got' it.  However in the last few years I have dipped into it and found it a really good aid to prayer and for encouraging me to get into my Bible more.

It is split into daily readings which are dated and I generally will look around the date that it is to find something to catch my eye.  The day before yesterday the reading I looked at was all about Being Still.  It was a reflection on what happens in life when storms are raging (rather pertinent for me at the mo!).  It reflected on the way Jesus taught, when in a storm his words to the storm were Be Still, there were no instructions given to the disciples (just a little expressed exasperation!).  However when Jesus had much teaching to impart, he takes his disciples (and sometimes thousands of others) to hill sides, to beaches, quiet places.

I find this so reassuring.  I know that the stormy experiences I am going through at the moment are going to change me some what.  It is lovely though to remember that I do not need to try and work out what those things are while the storms are raging.  All I need to do is Trust Him and let him tell those storms to Be Still.

Prayer finding the heart's true home by Richard Foster.

I was given this book several years ago by a friend with whom I am distant from at the moment, though I think about her lots.  She got it for me after we had been to a local Christian womens event and listened to a very wise older lady speak about Prayer.  During this ladies talk (very ashamed to say I cannot remember her name) she mentioned this book - a few days later my friend presented it to me.  I tried to read it several times and never managed to really get into it, just dipping in for the odd bit here and there.  However in this time of rest which I now find myself in I felt prompted to get it back out of my bedside drawer where it has been residing and start at the beginning.

Isn't it just wonderful when you read a book and find it speaking to you like a dear friend.  This is the experience I have had with this book, when I have one of my regular middle of the night awake hours it has been a blessing to pick up and listen to with my eyes and heart.

I found myself doing something that I have never done before, when I read something that really jumped out at me I turned the corner of the page over.  In the past I have really struggled with remembering where in a book certain things are,  I have tried underlining, but that doesn't work if you can't remember where in a big book you underlined!  By corner turning I have been able to move on from a subject knowing I can easily return to it.  After finishing the book yesterday, I took a break and then when I went to bed last night I went over the 8 pages that were turned.  I had to read the whole page to find out what bit had spoken to me, but there it still was, I knew it as soon as I found it. 

In this book Richard Foster goes through all the different types of prayer that he feels God wants us to encompass, they are all biblically based.  Each prayer type is explained, given its bible basis and then examples of its uses given and peoples experiences of using it.  In some ways it is quite a basic book, however it is extreemely well referenced and I will most certainly be looking out for some of the titles he has quoted from.

I thought I would write seven of the points that spoke to me down in this blog, giving me another reminder for the future. I think they all spoke to me in different ways and I know that some of them are going to be points for me to meditate on further in the future.  I have written down the chapter and page number and they are all in progressional order through the book.

1.  Unceasing Prayer, page 131.

"The second major expression of Unceasing Prayer is associated with such practitioners of prayer as Brother Lawrence (The Practise of the Presence of God), Thomas Kelly (A testament of Devotion) and Frank Lauback (Letters by a Modern Mystic).  Their profoundly simple approach is to go through all the activities of our days in joyful awareness of God's presence with whispered prayers of praise and adoration flowing continuously from the herts.  Brother Lawrence who called himself 'the lord of all pots and pans' crystallized this idea in his now famous comment ' the time of business does not with me differ from the time of prayer; and in the noise and clatter of my kitchen, while several persons are at the same time calling for different things, I possess God in as great tranquillity as if I were upon my knees at the blessed sacrament'."

Something I have learned well this last year is that God is ALWAYS with us, we might not feel him close by because our pain and suffering is so great but he is THERE, crying and wounded with us.  If in the pain we can just grab onto or cuddle into his outstretched arms in the midst of all noise and clatter there is a peace to be found, the pain the noise and the clatter won't necessarily disappear but there is a peace as well.

2.  Intercessory Prayer, page 211.

"Drawing upon the prophet Isiah, Jesus declares, 'My house shall be a house of prayer' (Isa 56:7; Luke19:46).  I would love to see our churches become houses of prayer.  I know you would, too.  All too often however, they are places for everythings and anything except prayer.  I say this with sorrow, for I believe it saddens the heart of God.  True, we need to have our business meetings and our committee meetings and our Bible studies and our self-help groups and our worship services, but if the fire is not hot at the centre, these things are only ashes in our hands."

All I can say to this is Amen, we seem to have had a lot of experience in the churches we have attended of this.  It makes my heart weep, we have also been blessed with experiencing a church where it is not the case, where prayer IS at the heart of everything (or was while we were there).  The result of this is an army of new leaders being raised up in all sorts of Church and charity work - and that's just from the small group of folk with whom I was friends with (it was a 500+ congregation).  I do however have a great feeling of HOPE growing in my heart for our Parish as we approach the time when our new Vicar will arrive.

3.  Healing Prayer, page 217

"Furthermore we can be greateful for every co-operative effort of the many branches of healing.  After all, the distinction between priest and psychologist and physician is of recent vintage.  Always before, the physician of the body, the physician of the mind, and the physician of the spirit were the same person.  The ancient Hebrews, in particular, saw persons as a unity, and for them it would be unthinkable to minister to the body without ministering to the spirit and vice versa."

Healing prayer is a subject close to my own heart, having suffered with Rheumatoid Arthritis and Osteoarthritis for over 13 years now.  As you can imagine there has been a fair amount of healing prayer offered and requested during this time.  I have had some very 'poorly' times when I have only been able to work a few metres at a time.  I have also had some quite 'well' times, when medication has given me several years of stability.  The last couple of years have not been good, interesting though it has not just been my physical body that has been suffering during this time, I have also had to cope with the death of my sister, caring for my parents and grandparent and taking on kinship care of my sisters 12 year old daughter.  My spiritual life has suffered to, we moved churches so that I could take up a job with the new one, this was a step of faith as it is most definately NOT the type of church we would choose to worship in for ourselves.  With all the other things going on in life I have not been able to settle into my job and am now currently on 6 months unpaid leave.  On top of all this my training as an Occupational Therapist makes me all to aware of the importance of Holistic (mind, body and spirit) health care.  There is movement in my life on this whole subject at the moment, but it is too early to talk about at the moment - but I am hoping the time will come for me to share it.

4.  The Prayer of Suffering, page 235

"Another value: our hearts are enlarged and sensitezed by suffering.  We become 'wounded healers', as Henri Nouwen has taught us to say.  Gone for ever are the pat answers that zip, zap - make everything fine.  We wndure the agony that prepares us to enter into the anguish of others. 'The more love sandpapers our hearts,' writes Glenn Hinson, 'the more it quickens us to suffering.'  We come to recognize the suffering of our time in our own hearts, and that becomes the starting point for ministy."

Pat answers - now that is a subject I hope I never take for granted.  I am sure I have dished out many in my time of thinking I was HELPING others.  For all those times I am now so truly sorry, I now know how sharply they can pierce a suffering heart.  The best lesson I have learnt through my suffering is how much value there is in silence - not solitude, we need to know people are thinking about us and have their company somtimes.  To have peoples love, not their words has often been just what I have needed.  This won't be the same for everyone I am sure, but I am now aware there may be others for whom this is what they need.

5.  Authoritive Prayer, page 247

"'Prudence' says C S Lewis, 'means practical common sense, taking the trouble to think out what you are doing and what is likely to come of it.'  It is a virtue that is in short supply today.  Some people, once they understand the authority they have in Christ, seem to lose all good sense...and good manners.  They go round ordering this and that to happen in the most unking and destructive of ways.  Jesus never did that.  he knew when to speak and when to be silent.  He was always appropriate to the situation in which he found himself.  Even his teachings are filled with good, ordinary 'horse sense'."

Again I am sure this is something I have failed to comply to in the past, and I am very sorry for this. I am growing aware of the need to keep check on what 'I' think should be happening and concentrate and wait for confirmation sometimes to make sure I am listening for what HE wants to be happening.

6.  Radical Prayer, page 266

" A venerable old sage once asked his disciples, 'How can we know when the darkness is leaving and the dawn is coming?'

'When we can see a tree in the distance and know that it is an elm and not a juniper' ventured one studen. 'When we can see an animal and know tht it is a fox and not a wolf,' chimed in another.

'No,' said the old man, ' those things will not help us.'

Puzzled, the students demanded, 'How then can we know?'

The master teacher drew himself up to his full stature and replied quietly, 'We know the darkness is leaving and the dawn is coming when we can see another person and know that this is our brother or our sister; for otherwise, no matter what time it is , it is still dark.'"

WOW is all I felt when I read this, I so want to see others in this LIGHT.

7.  Radical Prayer, page 269

" Those seeking communal expressions of Christian community must wrestle with major issues: how to maintain proper authority without becoming authoritarian, how to maintain a high level of intentional community life without becoming ingrown, how to make this way of life accessible to families with small children and couples who are highly mobile.  Vigorous prayers need to arise for prophetic vision to create new solutions to old problems"

Boy is this a prayer of my own heart, sometimes I feel that my drive to find/see created the type of church that I feel comfortable worshipping in as extreemely selfish.  However I also am sure God has reminded me over and over that though even though I am individually made, there are many like me, and if I can find nowhere, then maybe there are others in the same boat.  Even more on my heart is the fact that if there are other Christians like me who do not feel they have a comfortable communal place to worship, how on earth are all their 'non' Christian friends every going to see the JOY that can exist in a community of Christians.

Well I think this is the longest blog I have written to date (mind you I had to use some other peoples words!).  I do so pray that I will not forget what I have read and written and that God will keep me growing.

Does anyone else have ways of remembering things they have read?