Keeping It Real

Oh how I would love to tell you that I've had another week full of blessings!  Actually it did start rather well.  I realised last Sunday that I was going to be on jury service the week my eldest daughter goes off to university for the first time.  I was so cross that it had me up half the night moaning and whinging to God that it wasn't fair.  I was still sad in the morning but knew I could do nothing about it.  However that God who can do immeasurably more than we can imagine intervened by sorting it all out with the jury service system Himself.  I had a phone call mid morning as I was up to my eyeballs in ironing, it was a very nice man from the courts asking me if I could postpone my jury service until November.  It was so funny, I actually ended up explaining what an answer to prayer his call was! The smile on my face was broad and I felt quite excited to discover what else God was going to do with me this week.

Then Tuesday happened.  Chronic health problems really do suck, they are very rarely simple and it can feel like you are being run ragged trying to find solutions to a very complex situation.  So Tuesday was full of Why questions (and maybe just a little raging):

• Why isn't my youngest daughter's physical health getting better?  
• Why hasn't God intervened already?
• Why is God answering some prayers so amazingly and then seemingly forgetting the other prayers that I have been praying for so long?
• Why do I feel like all the fight in me has got up and gone away?
• Why do I need to spend so much time sleeping to still wake up and not feel refreshed? 

I'm sure there were more but I'm too tired to think about them.

The last two days have involved medical appointments for both my girls. One far more positive than the other.  So does that mean God is blessing one of them more than the other?  It sure can feel that way. I know that at times like this I have to hold on tight to the hand of God.  I need to remember that He never lets go of my hand but my grumbling, moaning and self pity certainly make me lose my grip on Him.

Choosing joy and counting blessings are sometimes just harder to do than other times.  Life is often messy.  Maybe this week I have to just accept that the stumbling I have felt this week, is part of a much bigger picture being painted by a God who does care and who is able to do immeasurably more than I can possibly imagine.

Loose Ends.

You may remember the other day in this post I talked about having to finish a crochet project (by the way if you would like to see the finished article then you can see it over on my other blog here) which involved tidying up a lot of loose ends.  Those scraps of loose ends have been sitting in a little pot next to me all week and have proved to be very thought provoking.

Loose ends are something you have finished with but are still hanging around.  Tidying up lifes loose ends is something I would really like to do.  In most cases it is just a mindful thing which is all that is required to tidy them up.  I just need to make the decision to put them away.  In other instances there are loose ends that I need to practically do something about.  Conversations with people that need to take place to put issues to rest.  This will be hard but I am praying that I might actually get the opportunities I need to do this in the near future.

I used some of these ends as the stuffing in some little heart key rings I made.  As I was stuffing them in I was challenged to think about whether I sometimes try and stuff the loose ends of my life into a little case and sew it up.  In principle I don't think there is anything wrong with doing this.  If something is finished with it is not healthy to keep it hanging around.  I suppose it is where you put them that is the  crux of the matter.  I love this picture of one of my hearts being stuffed.  It is now serving as a reminder to give my loose ends to God.  Any other holding place will end up wearing out or coming undone, spilling those loose ends back out.  In HIS heart they are going to be safe forever.  Those loose ends haven't disappeared, but they are safely put away.  They are even being used for another purpose - not being wasted.  That idea makes me smile alot.

Books, Prayers and Blessings.

I am having great trouble with bad dreams at the moment.  I am not aware of feeling particularly stressed, not eating strange food or anything else that I can think of.  Last night during a wakeful hour or two (there are plenty of those as well) I remembered a prayer that I had re-read just recently.  Here it is:

By the authority of almighty God, I tear down Satan's strongholds in my life, in the lives of those I love, and in the society in which I live.  I take into myself the weapons of truth, righteousness, salvation, the word of God and prayer.  I command every evil influence to leave; you have no right here and I allow you no point of entry.  I ask for an increase of faith, hope, and love so that, by the power of God,  I can be a light set on a hill, causing truth and justice to fourish.  These things I pray for the sake of him who loved me and gave himself for me.  Amen.

It is taken from Richard Fosters book, Prayer, which I reviewed many moons ago in this  blog post.  I was reminded of it by the book I am presently reading with a new womens group that has been started at our church.  This book is called God Loves Broken People (and those who pretend they're not).  You can click on the image at the top of this post to have a peek inside it.  We are not half way through the book yet so other than to say I am enjoying it I will not review it anymore until I have finished it.

I had said when sharing with the group that I was going to write this out to pray before sleep, following the example of someone in Shila Walsh's book.  Have I done it - No!  Typical, had totally forgotten about it, today however it will be written and placed on my bedside table!

continuing to count my blessings into 2013.

901. Children doing their chores without me nagging them.
902. Finishing a crochet project just for me.
903. Excitement growing about getting out into the garden, come rain or shine!
904. Routines re-starting.
905. A delivery of birthday cake.
906. A couple of hours or peace and quiet.
907. My brother playing the bad guy to my mum and getting results!
908. The sound of my husband mopping the kitchen floor.
909. Empying boxes out of the loft.


       
       
           
           
       

Exhaustion

I have been searching for metaphors to try and describe how I am feeling at the moment.  I can't seem to find the right words to describe it, therefore a metaphor seems to be the most sensible way to go.

Life feels a little like I've been stuck in a snowstorm.  My head as been down and I have been battling through it.  Only now that the storm has subsided (I am very much hoping it's not just a temporary reprieve), that I am able to start taking stock of the changes that have occurred while things have been buffeted and buried by the snow.

It seems quite funny that this has coincided with what looks like the start of Spring in my real world.  My daffodils are out and I am watching for signs of life to see what has survived the winter.

It is now that I am started to feel things that have been buried deep. 

I miss having a third child in my house.  It still feels wrong at bed time when there are only two rooms to look into.  It still feels wrong at the end of the school day when only two children come home.  For two whole years we were five and I do not know how I will ever get used to being just four again.

I miss the life that mum and dad shared together.  There is a hole now that my dad is gone and I know it is a hole I will just have to get used to having with me, nothing will fill his place.

I seem to be in a place of taking stock and I can't believe how exhausting this process is.  It is making me not just tired but snappy with those around me as well.  I am so hoping and praying that I might be able to get over this period at least in part in time for our holiday (less than two weeks ago).  I am making a deal with God at the moment (I know that is shouldn't really be doing that!), I will give him these next two weeks and look forward to Him giving me a little more energy when I am away and able to give my time to my family.  Your prayers on this would be must appreciated.

Be Strong - No!!!!!!!!

Be strong is another of those injunctions that I am trying to get over.  I have spent my life being strong and has my mother and look where that has lead her (a mental health unit) - do I want to go the same way?

I have been reminded this morning my that Still Small Voice of Corinthians 12:10

I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and difficulties for Christ's sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong.   (Good News Bible)

Now I wish I could say that I am content with weakness, but my natural earthly desires are to BE STRONG, which means I have to FIGHT weakness, that immediately puts me into a no win situation.  That means I am belittling Christ on the cross.  If I can do it in my strength why did He die for me???

If only it were as easy as repeating Paul's words with my lips to make my heart believe those words.  Living in the world where people do not know or trust God means I am surrounded by those who really do think the only way through hardship is BEING STRONG.

Today I am going to try and accept my weakness, to accept my inability to put things right, to accept that I can not control what other people say to me or put on me.

Maybe I will then feel the STRENGTH of CHRIST RISING.  The STRENGTH of the RISEN KING.  The STRENGTH of the LORD OF LORDS.  The STRENGTH of the one that has DEFEATED DEATH.

Spirtual Attacks.

I have had a really bad today, after a really fabulous evening last night with the volunteers who have come forward to help me with a children's activity day at church which is happening this coming Saturday.

My husband and I have had a really tough week communicating with each other after spending lots of time together working for Jesus last weekend.

As I am watching and participating in an amazing movement of God in our area,  my family (outside of the 4 of us) is falling apart.

I would really value some prayer from those of you who Believe.  I realise that some people might feel very uncomfortable reading this and may not even understand what I am writing.  However I think I may have been keeping quiet on this issue for too long.

So now I am shouting it out - it feels very self indulgent, but I know my Faith needs the support of fellow believers.  Many thanks x x x x x

Fighting Disappointment

What happens when you don't get the answer you were praying you would?  Inevitable disappointment?  Unfortunately that is how I am feeling today.  I wrote in my last post of how much I was hoping my niece was going to get funding to go to a specialist unit to get the help she needs.  I discovered yesterday that she has not got it.

What is more it sounds as though there is going to be a great rush now to place her in a 'normal' social services children's home to save the NHS the money that is keeping her in a private mental health unit at present.  Even though she is back in the high dependency unit.

One of the worst parts of all this, is that I am left standing with the questions - what should I do?  and what can I do?  We have no parental responsibility for her, that has been handed over to social services by her father.

We will try and arrange a meeting with her social worker next week and would really appreciate prayers as we struggle through these next weeks.  I realise the struggle is mostly my internal one, but it is real and I cannot just let go of a child that I have cared for as my own for the last two years.

Being Still

I have been dipping in and out of an amazing little book the last few weeks

I was given it many years ago when I was a new Christian and to be honest never really 'got' it.  However in the last few years I have dipped into it and found it a really good aid to prayer and for encouraging me to get into my Bible more.

It is split into daily readings which are dated and I generally will look around the date that it is to find something to catch my eye.  The day before yesterday the reading I looked at was all about Being Still.  It was a reflection on what happens in life when storms are raging (rather pertinent for me at the mo!).  It reflected on the way Jesus taught, when in a storm his words to the storm were Be Still, there were no instructions given to the disciples (just a little expressed exasperation!).  However when Jesus had much teaching to impart, he takes his disciples (and sometimes thousands of others) to hill sides, to beaches, quiet places.

I find this so reassuring.  I know that the stormy experiences I am going through at the moment are going to change me some what.  It is lovely though to remember that I do not need to try and work out what those things are while the storms are raging.  All I need to do is Trust Him and let him tell those storms to Be Still.

When you realise what you have been praying.

A few weeks ago I wrote this post  about finding a phrase that I was using like a mantra when my stress levels were spiralling.  The phrase was 'Jesus shine your light'.  Since then not a lot has changed on the outside, if anything for the week after I started things got considerably worse in the situations I was praying for His light to shine.  It wasn't until I went to see my Fairy God Mother last week that she shone a little light on what I was saying.

When you ask Jesus to shine His light on situations you are going to see everything illuminated - not just good stuff.  Maybe what is happening inside of me now is the revelation the Light can give.  When his light is shining and illuminating situations, the cracks, the brokenness will be revealed, they can no longer hide shrouded in darkness and secrecy.

How amazing that God can answer prayers that we are praying without us even realising what we are saying/praying.

Of course now that His light is shining and those dark areas are being lit by His light, His healing can come in to restore and renew.  I wonder what other prayers I am saying that I do not realise the fullness of yet?  Has anyone else had this sort of experience?

Continuing to count my blessings with the Gratitude community today.

595. Dirt in the bath as the water empties and the dog stands clean.
596. Time to talk.
597. Quiet times in my Green Room.
598. Messy kitchen, happy daughter, lots of cakes.
599. Tears of sorrow.
600. Pink flowers.
601. A weeks washing drying on the line despite the showers.
602. Goodbye and Goodnight kisses from both my children.
603. The encouragement of fellow bloggers.
604. The facebook chat with a person I can't talk to at the moment.

The Green Room

As the decision has most finally been made that my niece will not be coming back to live with us we have decided to turn her old bedroom back into a room we can use.  It is only a little room but we decided to keep a bed in here to be a guest room (which is a good job as it has been used already). My husband suggested that it would be good to let the children keep their musical instruments and stands up in this room to encourage them to play a little more often (their rooms are not very big either).  I rather fancied being able to have somewhere to sit and be quiet.  The result is - The Green Room.

The walls have been painted Dulux Putting Green, it took two coats of paint, but we only used a small tin :o).

The mirror was already in situ.  The two little white wooden shelves are from Ikea

The chair was a bargain buy from ikea for just £40.00 it is cream and so I have covered it with a throw which will hopefully help it to wear a little better.  All the pictures we already have, the three on the same wall are cross stitch embroideries that I did in the early 1990's.  The iris picture was made by my sister and given to us as a present in 2004.

The little bedside table was another good purchase for just under £40.00, the lamp was £5.00 these were both from The Range.  The lovely little green glass candle holders were £1.00 from ikea and I already had the beautiful holding cross lying on the table.

One of my favourite things in this room are the curtains and the bedcover.  These have been in storage for 12 years!  I made them for a little room we had in our first house.  I had completely forgotten I had made three curtains and it took some thinking to remember where the third one went - it was over the door as the door had glass panels to lighten up an otherwise very dark hallway.  This is perfect as the extra curtain works great as a bedcover over the top of the bedding so that does not get grubby from the children using the room to play their music.  We purchased the wooden curtain pole for £15.00, the lightshade from the Fairtrade Shop which is local to us for £10.00 and three cushions from the Range to give the bed that bit more of a comfy look.

This is my one real extravagance for the room, I saw it and just could not resist, it was not very expensive and I think it just adds that last little something to what has become a very peace filled room.

The extra advantage of making this room so cosy and peaceful is that it is always a place where I know I can always go and pray for my niece, feeling extra close to her, as it was the room where she laid her head for 2 whole years.

Excited about Church

Although my home life remains in much turmoil since the departure of my niece, as often seems to happen, in my 'church' life is flourishing.  In fact I have just looked back at old posts to see how often I have blogged about Church - there are 18 posts labelled, and almost all of them are quite negative.  One in particular however caught my eye, you can read it here .  I cannot believe it is more than 2 years that I wrote this.  The excited news is that it is all coming to fruition.

Since that post, our then curate has now become our vicar (a very unusual step for the Church of England to allow this!).  The passion for Local Worshipping Church Communities has remained - and in fact the words that God spoke to me in that conversation with our curate are now happening.

After many months of prayer and much support from a vibrant church in a near by city we have now started a new service at one of our churches.  At present it is in the evening,  as a family we all love it, though my youngest (10 years old) tends to take colouring and enjoys having a head massage as she gets sleepy.  My 11 year old son is lapping it all up, on one occasion when I was not able to make it he came home and practical repeated the sermon for me (I did tell my vicar who had done said sermon!).

There is still much to be done, there is great hope that a second morning service is going to be set up in the near future.  At present we have approximately 80 adults attending the evening service, and many of those are still splitting their time between our church and the 'other' one as their children want to continue with their friends.  Much will be needed to be done in order to be able to accommodate a lot of children, at present we have only two very small rooms where junior church and a creche is held during the service that is currently taking place at our church.

The hard work does not faze me at all though, it does nothing but excite me to see God at work, fulfilling hopes and promises that lots of people have been holding out for. 

The other unexpected return that we are having from experience of waiting and now building is the effect on our children's faith.  It has led me to consider the advantages and disadvantages of 'perfect' church, as children might see it.  For our two, I feel we are equipping them by going through this experience with them.  They might be involved in the development of new churches and services in the future and I pray that this experience will positively impact on their journeys. 

They have had to experience a lot of angst during this time.  They have had to attend junior church where the pace of change has been very slow, but have seen it move on. 

They have gone along with our experimentation when we have not wanted to attend 'church' and have done some wacky things like having 'family church up a tree'.

They now know the complexity of how services are made up and the number of people that this can take.

They and we have made some fabulous new friends and I know a lot of those friendships are just at the beginning and are hopefully going to grow and grow.

So hopefully you will see this is a positive and excited post about 'Church', it does help to have positive experiences when it it where you work as well as worship!

Another Poem/Psalm - Pain.

My chest is tight
breathing is such effort,
My heart has burst
I no longer feel its beat.
Starving my mind of all that it needs.

My tears come in bursts
none for days and then not stopping.
My spirit is heaving
moving like water in the ocean
Encouraged then discouraged by all that passes.

Moments of peace do come
that 'peace that passes all understanding'
I have to wait for them
patiently, patiently, patiently wait.
My breath will come, my heart will beat,
my tears will dry and one day my spirit will soar.

When your best just isn't enough.

For the last 2 years of our kinship caring journey we have often said to folks that we often feel like we live an hour at a time not knowing what will come next.  The looks you get from this vary, but I understand it is a way of living that not a lot of people have to live with.

An hour after I wrote my last blog a week last Tuesday, everything turned upside down for us all yet again.  It wasn't anything spectacular that turned everything upside down, however it was obviously for me the last straw.  My reaction to what was really a quite minor spat with my 14 year old niece caused a sequence of evidence that has ended up with her staying with friends, being admitted to hospital and hopefully to emergency respite foster carers tomorrow.

I feel so cross and confused with myself that I kept soldiering on, thinking (or maybe pretending) I was coping, when it turns out I so obviously was not.  What I suppose it all boils down to is having to admit that my best efforts to care for a very damaged 14 year old have just not been good enough. 

It is strange that now everything is out of my hands (and control), I am finding it so much easier to pray for the whole situation.  It is reassuring to know that I can trust God far more than I can trust myself or any of the professionals around me.  Now I just have to hold onto that trust and belief that God can work all things for my dear nieces good. 

If you are reading this and you pray, please hold us all in your prayers.  My two biological kids are being great despite their tender ages, my dear husband is very worn out as he has had to do all the meetings and phone calls that my actions caused as well as working full time.  We are praising God for the amazing friends that he has surrounded us with, some of whom have been called on to do far more than you generally expect of friends.  I am hoping that I am finally learning to be more honest about my limits and will keep having the strength (of mind) to ensure that nobody or nothing stretches me too far again.

Dangerous Words.

Have you ever had something said to you or misunderstood what is being said to you which has then caused you damage?

A few weeks ago when we were going through a rather bad patch in our kinship caring journey.  You can read more about that here or if you want to know more about what kinship caring is and how I qualify to discuss it by clicking on the kinship caring label on the right hand side of this blog.  This bad patch rustled all the children's services into action (again) appearing to offer us all sorts of help.  However we are not poorly informed and did have a fairly good idea that there were not really any options open to us that we felt we could use.

It was during a these discussion with a mental health professional when I was told that my nieces ONLY hope was for us to continue to battle through her difficulties with her.  The only other option was for her to go into care (which is why we took her in, in the first place - no change there then).

At the time I felt I was only being told what my husband and I already knew.  However what I didn't realise was just how HEAVY that word was and how debilitating it was for me to try and carry it.  It was not until some amazing pastoral workers recognised this and prayed through this with me that I realised just how heavy a burden had been placed on me.  I actually felt the weight lift off my shoulders.  I was suddenly thinking, why am I sitting so slouched, it was of course because the weight was physically pushing me down and I could not feel this until it was taken away. 

The truth of the matter is that, yes we are probably her BEST hope in this physical world to nurture and try and help her grow into an adult.  However we have FAITH and we know that HE is her ONLY hope - no human can take that on.  It surprises me that though these children's services professionals know very well that we have a strong Christian faith, but not once have they in any way checked with us that we are being spiritually supported.  When I trained to be an occupational therapist, it was already widely accepted that our well-being is dependant on our emotional, physical and spiritual health and yet not once has our spiritual needs been checked.  Thank God for the good spiritual people who have been happy to journey with us and their wise counsel and no wonder so many child placements fall down when unacceptable burdens are (hopefully unknowingly) placed on them.

Life remains turbulent here, and we are finding new ways to try and cope with this, taking every hour as it comes is a good place to start. 

Praying for Blessings.

Do you know what this is?  It is an origami crane.  I was told the other week about a Japanese tradition of giving people who have been in your thoughts origami cranes to show them that you have been thinking of them.  You would go and see the person you have been thinking about and making for, with a handful of these origami cranes and they would know the precious moments that you have been thinking about them.  The cranes themselves are worthless and not particularly precious but the knowledge of you being in a persons thoughts for the duration that one is made is treasure from Heaven.

I could not believe it when I heard all about this.  In the first year of writing this blog I wrote a post about 'blessings' bracelets , these were bracelets that I had started making with a needle, thread and seed beads.  I started to call them this when I realised that while I was making them I could think and pray about the people I was making them for them.  With every bead I picked up on my needle I was praying blessings (most unknown) for that person.  Then just the other week I made a cushion for a friend who is sick.  This time I knew I was not going to get to see her for at least a week from when I found out she was sick, so I wanted to make something for her that would keep her in my thoughts.  I had the pleasure of giving her that gift today and feel blessed myself by her reaction to it. 

I have been doing a little more crochet this week in a few quiet moments in the evenings. My daughter will be 10 at the end of the month and has quite a passion for all things cupcake, so I have used those moments to think and pray blessings for her and have this to give her on her birthday.

sorry the quality of the photo is not very good - our camera has broken and I had to use my webcam!

I am going to be doing a talk on 'Prayer' to the young people doing confirmation classes with me at work tomorrow and it has made me think about encouraging them to see counting their blessings as an essential part of their prayer life, and the blessings they can ask for on those who linger in their thoughts.

520. Time to make and pray
521. Lunch in the garden with the sun on my face.
522. Energy to get through a busy day with lots of children.
523. Quiet time with my husband.
524. Attending my first 'ashing' service.
525. The opportunity to offer emotional support to a friend.
526. The gorgeous long brown curls on my sons head.
527. My parents having a good holiday and getting home safely.
528. Eating rhubarb from the garden (frozen from last year), just as the first sprouts of this years is coming through.
529. Hubby winning another magazine competition getting us £100.00!

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Self-harm

I found this flow chart of the Serenity Prayer posted on Father Simon's Blog .  Having had a lovely lie in this morning trying to finish a great novel that I have been reading for a few weeks.  I got up after the children had all left for school to find my dear husband in a bad mood.  One of the things that was bothering him was the fact that our two girls had assured him last night that they had both cleared their 'floordrobes'.  This morning he had discovered that they hadn't.  On further investigation of the state of their rooms he found a pair of scissors in our Eldest's bed.  She has been known to self-harm in the past before and around the time she came to us 18 months ago.  We have been able to talk about it in the past, she has recently asked me about getting stuff to try and make her scars less obvious.  My husband then tells me that she seems to be continually asking if we are going swimming at the weekends and saying she doesn't want to (not something we do at all regularly).

So - do I add these things up, scissors in bed + talk of not wanting to go swimming + talking about self-harm = self-harming again?

I have spent the last two hours wrangling with this, how am I going to approach it?  I was completely convicted at the youthwork summit a few weeks ago when a speaker for a self-harm charity showed us some videos.  I realise that my attitude to it in the past of being purely an attention seeking, doing it because others are doing it, has not been at all helpful.  Having this attitude made me deal with it in a very strict 'do it and you can't do that' sort of way.  If she is self-harming again can I really do what all the charities advise me to do - just listen and support her to find distractions?

Then I looked at this flow-chart.  My thoughts have been all about what can I do,  I have not stopped once ask God to intervene.  If I am to receive the serenity of knowing I can not resolve this issue for her then I must trust God to do it - so maybe I have finally found the WISDOM I needed this morning.  Thanks be to God! (and to Father Simon for posting that prayer!).

'Church' up a tree and other blessings!

We did a first today - instead of going to our regular (hard to call it that really when we rarely go) Church we decided to do 'Church' up a tree in the New Forest this morning.

We simply strolled along until we came to a place where there were fallen trees that we could sit on and then my husband got out his Bible and sat down all together.  Looking for something tree related we read John 15 where Jesus describes God as being the vine and us the branches.  You can just see on the far right a holly tree, this was the perfect example to explain these verses more clearly for the children especially as it had berries growing on it.  There was an air of quiet as we looked at all the dead wood around the tree........

It also gave us the opportunity to talk about 'grafting' as in Romans 9, especially in relation to our eldest being grafted into our family.

The kids were really relaxed, it took very little to keep them focused, we said the Lords prayer together and then continued to enjoy our walk and scrambling in the trees.

There was space for us all.

Pippin was able to join in to!

Time for conversation un-interrupted.

....and best of all for me, when we walked back towards the car the pub was open and ready to start serving food, so the youngest two got to play while they waited.  Whilst the oldest firstly got mistaken for working there, which she really liked and then got to go chat to some ladies with their ponies in the car park.

Great walk, great time with God, great food to finish, nothing could have made this more perfect.

continued to count my blessings with the community created by Ann Voskamp

178.  That first cup of tea in the morning, especially when it can be drank in the garden.
179.  Being able to give the kids the 'treat' of staying up 'late'.
180.  A garden that continues to grow and bloom despite my recent weeks of neglect.
181.  The wise wisdom of my spiritual director.
182.  Meetings completed without making me feel to blue.
183.  Volunteers willing to work with me and take risks, outside of their comfort zones.
184.  30 children already signed up to attend my holiday club.
185.  Fun and laughter in the woods with the kids as we make a 'film' for holiday club.
186.  Indulging in some embroidery which (except for cross stitch) I haven't done for around 20 years.
187.  A settled week for my parents.
188.  Letter arriving that I have requested to use in an appeal.
189.  Discovering what my puppy dog needs to stop her waking up at 5.30am in the morning!

Bloom Where You Are Planted.

Laura at By The Bushel had this title on one of her blog posts the other week.  She was talking gardening, however straight away I could not stop thinking about people.  Do we ever consider trying to bloom where we are planted.  Or do we sit and long to be planted somewhere else before we start blooming?

I know for myself, there is often wishfull thinking going on, I could be the most fantastic children and youth pastor if :

• I was in the 'right' sort of church.
• I had the 'right' sort of volunteers to support me.
• My health was better.
• My family situation was not so difficult and time consuming.

 My family life would be so much better if:

• We had just a little bit more money
• We could get my parents to move closer to us.
• The house was just a little bit bigger.
• We had more time to see friends.

Is this how God wants me to live, does he want me to try and hide my blooms unless they are in what I consider to be the perfect place - NO. 

I may not be terribly comfortable where I have been planted at the moment, however that is where I am.  Do I think that God can make me bloom where I am planted - YES.

Help me to trust you more this week Lord.

Finding some space.

Last Saturday we celebrated Christmas with my mum and dad who drove the 140 miles from the midlands to stay with us. It is the first time I have every cooked a Christmas lunch for them (though could not have done it without mums help). We opened presents just from each other, went for a lovely walk around the wooded areas of our estate. But it was strained, when someone you love is missing the hole just sits there raw and throbbing. For me this second Christmas without my sister is painful but so far better than last year. I have had the time to enjoy doing and making Christmassy stuff. For my mum, this year she is 'feeling'. Last year the pain was numbing and with house clearing and stuff to do she just drifted through it with my dad.



The culmination of emotions hit a low on Saturday evening and I ended up going to bed at 8.30pm. This did give me time to think and pray about how we could move on the following morning. The idea that came into my head was to go to a little place that I know in the New Forest. It is only a 20 minute car ride from our house it is a little off the normal touristy stopping bits, it used to be an old airfield. When you finally get to the car park this is the sight that greats you:





It is one of those places that I had always wanted to take my sister to, as she was an avid bird watcher and we have been with friends and had tiny birds come and eat from our hands at this point. Just me, my niece and my mum and dad went armed with a big tin of bird seed. It was just perfect. We all found some space.

I made friends with several of the New Forest ponies, one young foal experiencing her first winter kept following me as I hobbled away.

My niece and I both stayed still and tried to entice the little birds to come feed from our hands, alas not this time.

My mum remembered that she had been here before. It must have been on one of the odd occasions in years past when my parents came down with my sister and her daughter and they took my children out for the afternoon to this very spot.

I shall definitely be going back, this is my space to remember my sister close to home. I am very grateful to my daddy for taking these pictures for me.

Jane Austens House

Last week I had my step mother-in-law from Manchester staying from Tuesday to Saturday. She has always been a regular visit to see us in the South, however with all that has happened to us in the last 18 months (the death of my mother in law and my sister amongst other things) we have not been able to accommodate her. I have not been physically or mentally up to doing much and when discussing what we would do on Friday I was not sure I would be joining her and my husband.



That is until I heard them talking about going to see Jane Austens house in Chawton (about 40 minutes away from us). You can visit their website here. We really did have the most amazing few hours.



It was lovely to be looking around without the children there - that sounds terrible doesn't it? I would love to go around again now (and I will do), taking my youngest, having read all the information on this first visit I know that I would be able to help her investigate her own interests.

It is years since I have read any of Jane Austens work, but now, having seen where much of it was written and knowing so much more about her life it has definitely inspired me to go back to her writings. There were so many personal letters and gifts on display that talk or show things that were put into books.

There were lots of costumes of the era on display, it was great to be able to go right close to them (some were not behind glass, being reproductions made in exactly the way they would have been). Getting so close I could see just how parts were stitched by hand - WOW - they were so intricate, so delicate.


Being in the actual rooms, standing next to the actual table that she wrote on, touched me very deeply. After looking around the house we went for a short walk to the village church where her sister and mother are buried. Walking those steps knowing this was the same journey she herself would have made to the church was just awesome. I had never realised before what sort of a life my name sake had had, especially her dying so young (41 almost my age). We do all have a short time on earth, I am very thankful that Jane Austen left such a wonderful gift in her writing for us to cherish generations down the line.



We also visited Cassandras Cup, for lunch which was absolutely exquisite, decorated with beautiful china tea cups and with a menu that made me feel quite giddy. We enjoyed this so much that noticing that they do Christmas lunches in December my husband and I have booked ourselves in - there were very few places available, so it obviously does have a tremendous reputation. What's more we did notice they have a B&B there, maybe we will have to try and have a hide-away there some time.

So anyone now coming to visit us is going to be encouraged to go along, it may not have inspired my writing too much but boy it has so enticed my creativity I am almost fit to burst.


If you do visit the site, why not look at their blog - it looks quite interesting, I didn't find out too much about their resident writer, Rebecca Smith, though her recently published novel looks very intriguing. You can find out more about her from here.

Finally I was so touched by this prayer which is on display in Janes beautiful handwriting that I thought I would copy it out for you to see:

A PRAYER BY JANE AUSTEN

Give us grace almighty father, so to pray, as to deserve to be heard, to address thee with our hearts, as with our lips. Thou art everywhere present, from thee no secret can be hid. May the knowledge of this, teach us to fix our thoughts on thee, with reverence and devotion that we pray not in vain.

May we now, and on each return of night, consider how the past day has been spent by us, what have been our prevailing thoughts, words and actions during it, and how far we can acquit ourselves of evil.

Have we thought irreverently of thee, have we disobeyed thy commandments, have we neglected any known duty, or willingly given pain to any human being? Incline us to ask our hearts these questions oh! God, to save us from deceiving ourselves by pride or vanity.
Give us a thankful sense of the blessings in which we live, of the many comforts of our lot; that we may not deserve to lose them by discontent or indifference. Hear us almighty God, for his sake who has redeemed us, and taught us thus to pray.

Amen.