Life with Rex

It's been quiet on here for some time.  Life seemed to be ticking a long nicely.  Life's drama's were all being coped with, all was well.  Then in June we realised that there was a dinosaur living with us.  He had crept in uninvited and was slowly devouring our beloved 14 year old daughter.  How can you miss such a creature coming and living with you?  Hindsight and talking with friends, youth leaders and each other has helped us to recognise some signs that we missed, though they are all so insidious by themselves that maybe we would never have picked up on them at the time.

It was easiest to start by looking back at when he definitely was NOT around.  Christmas is one time I can think back to and know he wasn't here then.  However by Easter he was definitely making himself comfortable.  I should maybe introduce him properly, his name is Anorexia, Rex for short.  We have given him a name as that is the only way we can cope with the voice in my daughters head that shouts and abuses her.  We have learnt that it is very important to recognise when Rex is talking and making her behave in certain ways, she is not choosing to have these thoughts.

So what were the signs?

• cutting out certain food groups (until there were no acceptable food groups).
• wanting to make all her own meals. 
• going out with friends over meal times and saying she would get food while she was out (but not)
• cutting down portion sizes at meal times.
• taking a very very long time to eat meals, leaving a lot of mess spread around her plate.
• wearing baggy clothing all the time.
• being cold all the time.
• getting blue lips when she exerted herself physically.
• not doing things that she usually enjoyed, eg. yoga, drawing
• becoming more and more withdrawn
• just taking a piece of fruit to school for lunch when we checked with her what she had got.

How on earth did we miss these things?  It wasn't until my step mother in law came to stay at the beginning of June that she pointed out to us that something seemed wrong.  We then started looking and were appalled to see that she was right.  We talked to my daughter about it and she had already realised that something was very wrong and out of control.  She knew that she had felt in control at the beginning, it probably started by giving up stuff for lent!  It was then that we started to realise that she was not eating food at school at all, it was all going in the bin.  I found ways of getting to see her body, making her a jumper and buying her new underwear.  The sight made me nauseous - how could I not have noticed those bones sticking out!

For a couple of weeks she refused to go and see the Dr or get any proffessional help.  We managed to get her supervision at lunch times at school, however the food that she was taking was still not enough and she was totally resisting increasing it.  Eventually my husband and I went to see our GP by ourselves to talk about her.  It was very hard to talk about, especially as I knew that the only route they would probably suggest was that we returned to CAMHS (children and adolescent mental health services).  We had such a terrible experience with these guys when my niece came to live with us that just the thought of the service gave me mild anxiety attacks.  The GP wanted to see my daughter for herself and I was actually quite surprised when we got home, told her where we had been and that we had made an appointment for her the next day, she was fine about it.  I think she was probably quite releived as she knew how serious this had become.

Our CAMHS appoitment came through in less than 2 weeks and it is only now (8 weeks on) that I realise why they saw her so quickly - she was very close to needing hospitalization.

The good news is we hopefully have got intervention just in time.  She had not gone through to the stage of total denial that there was a problem, she knew there was a problem and she wanted to get rid of it.  We have got a very long road ahead of us.  She is currently on a weight gain programme.  This involves 3 meals a day, two with puddings and 3 calorie rich snacks a day.  She is not allowed to prepare any food for herself (I have found this very hard as she has been making her own breakfast and lunch for years and years!) and all meals have to be supervised for their entirety.  Meals usually take about an hour for her to eat and so it often feels as though every day is one long eating marathon.  Eating in public is excrutiating for her, and therefore has become so for us as well, so even having folks over for meals as a family has had to decrease enormously.

Weeks of family therapy and weigh in appointments seem to be making time rush by.  CAMHS have thankfully changed a lot.  It is a completely new team that is now in, but still going into rooms that I have had to sit in with my niece make me very uncomfortable, thankfully the team are lovely and very sensitive to this.

We have had tremendous support from the youth team at church and friends.  She has still been able to go on 2 camps over the summer holidays with an appointed leader doing the job that I do at home for her.

It has also been an enormous learning curve for both my husband and I.  As an occupational therapist I did a module on eating disorders but did not have any direct contact with anyone, either when I was training or when I was working.  It seems to be that you are forever hearing about anorexia on the tv and I knew it was about not eating and having body dysmorphia where you see fat in the mirror where there is none.  However I had never come across the condemning voice, that the sufferer has no control over.  I have issues with food, but I always feel in control of my over eating and binge eating, from talking with others I know that this is a common issue - the element of choice is definitely still there fore me.  For my daughter it is not.

My niece stopped eating and then starting binging and using diet pills when she was in a children's home, which eventually lead to her last admission into a secure unit where she has now been for two years.  However this was not Anorexia, this was part of her self harming behaviour, she has voices that condemn her and abuse her but it is not a Rex.  Maybe this is why I did not recognise Rex coming to stay, I didn't really understand that he was real, so he could creep in and start his devouring and when you notice the changes, he has already made himself very comfortable and is not going to be easily evicted.

But eviction is what we are now aiming for.  Weight gain is required for physical health, however the main purpose of the treatment plan that we are using is to get Rex evicted.  So onwards and upwards ( or outwards is maybe more apt), now I had better be going and get a snack down her!!!!!!

It Sucks Being a Grown-up

Do you ever have those moments when you want to be able to throw a tantrum and have everyone just leave you alone, or maybe someone just gently distract you with something nice to help you get over it?

That is how I was feeling last week as I put pen to paper to write to my niece - I really didn't want to do it. However taking a big reality check, I knew that if I didn't apologise for getting so angry towards her then I was not really acting like the adult I would like her to grow up to be.

That got me thinking.   As adults/parents we take on the role of teaching the younger generation by how we act/behave, whether we are aware of it or not.  This means we are modelling our good AND our bad behaviour.

If I had made no attempt to get back in touch with my niece, what would have happened.  I may have had one person less making demands on my time and emotions, however it would have been at a cost.  That cost being, not taking the opportunity to model how to 'make up' when things go wrong.

Could I have lived with myself knowing that not only had I been a part in breaking our relationship, but that I had also denied showing her how to make amends in tough situations as well?

Well I'm pleased to say that it has worked okay - so far.  We are communicating again, I am withdrawing a little from the hands on 'caring' stuff.  I shall be visiting less, not looking after her money or doing her shopping, hopefully this means I will not get so worn out.  Sadly it seems her behaviour has gone back to square one again and there is no longer any talk about her being discharged by the time she is 18, instead a transfer to adult in patient services seems likely after she turns 18.  This makes me very sad, but at least I know that I am not going to feel responsible for any failure an earlier discharge may have caused.

Back to the subject of apologies and owning up to mistakes, this whole debacle has made me much more aware of how important it is with my children (and others around me) to make sure I speak up.  If we keep quiet about the mistakes we make how are our children going to ever learn that making mistakes happens.  What has to be the most important thing is that we try and model to them how to deal with mistakes - even if it sucks!

I continue to count my blessings:

980. Communication restored.

981.  Prayers whispered with friends.

982.  Puppy dog keeping my legs warm as she sleeps.

983.  Piles of fabric.

984.  Sorting out advent calenders.

985.  Counting swimming lengths.

986.  No piles of leaves in the back garden.

987.  Chilly evenings.

988.  Browsing books in the library while girls shop.

989.  Making Christmas puddings.

Many Blessings to you xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Where has my compassion gone?

Have you seen it? 

I must have put it down and now I can't find it anywhere?

I hate the term compassion fatigue!  I'm not tired of being compassionate, I've just lost the ability to have it!

For the last 18 months since my mum died I have been faithfully 'caring' for my niece while she is in an adolescent secure psychiatric unit.  This has involved a fortnightly 210 mile round trip to visit her, almost daily phone calls, regularly shopping and managing her finances.

To be honest in my heart I have been 'caring' for her for the last 14 1/2 years, that is when my sister asked me to take care of her if anything should happen to her or my parents.  Well that something happened and in the last 6 years I've lost the three of them!

My compassion has wondered off in the past.  Over the two years that my niece lived with us I finally snapped, compassion was lost and the following 2 years were spent searching for that compassion, tempting it to come back.

But right now, this minute, I don't think I even want it to come back.  I'm sick of caring.  I want to see progress.  I want to know that this caring can end, that I am not going to be 'needed' like this forever.

And of course the effect of this loss is her ANGER, she is cutting me off.  All the work on our relationship feels lost too.

I COULD summon up the energy to write a letter, to apologise for the things that I have said, but am I really sorry - would that be honest of me?

I really do not know what to do next.  I am trying to do what 'professionals' would advise, I'm exercising, trying to eat okay, not drinking too much.  I really cannot blame this 'loss' on stress, I'm the most stress free I have been in years!!!!!!

So I will do the only thing I know I can do at the moment and continue to count my blessings, the simple gifts that God gives me in abundance that I just need to stop, see and receive.........

960. Leaves blowing in the wind.

961. A baby sleeping on my chest.

962. Watching healthy knees going up and down stairs.

963. The aeroplane bringing my loved one home.

964. The sound of my son cooking.

965. Open windows in November.

966. My swimsuit drying, ready to get wet again.

967. The sounds in the street of life existing.

968. My pot of crochet hooks.

969. Friends dropping round to say hello.

May your days be filled with blessings too xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Decisions and Priorities.

For the last week my mind has been mulling over a situation that is causing me a lot of angst.  For those that do not know, my mother took her own life a year last February.  She had been struggling with her mental health since the death of my sister 4 years prior to her death.  She then lost her soul mate, my dad just over a year prior to her death.  This caused a critical psychotic episode which meant she had to be hospitalised.  As she was staying with me 200 miles from 'home' when this happened she was hospitalised near me to.  After three months she was well enough for discharge and she was encouraged by the hospital staff to stay in the area so that she could have continuity of service.

The mum that was discharged was quite different from the one that had gone in.  For the first time in a long time she was talking about her very troubled, abused and traumatic life as a war baby in post war Germany. This life continued right up until she met and married  my dad at the age of 18.  She was treating herself to new clothes (and bought me things when it was not a special occasion - this never used to happen).  She was going swimming with me regularly and often persuaded me to get on and go even when I was low.  She went away on holiday with a friend.  She was making plans of things she wanted to do.  She rented a bungalow with an overgrown garden and was in her element sorting it out and making a vegetable plot.  This state remained for about 7 or 8 months.

She had booked to go away again in the October/November (with the same friend to the same place), she had hoped this would help her over the horrid first anniversary of my dad dying and the anniversary of my sister's passing.  By the time she went I had already noticed she was not so good.  She was far more anxious about what she would wear and couldn't make decisions about buying new things for the holiday.  She then had the trauma of discovering when she got back that her landlord had put the bungalow on the market without even telling her.

Within weeks of returning she told me that she wanted to die and was struggling to stay alive.  Having not heard her talk about the community mental health team that had been looking after her and knowing that her Community Psychiatric Nurse (cpn) had moved on, the only course of action I could think of was to contact the GP.  They were great, they saw her straight away and were horrified at the state of her and the fact that she appeared to have fallen through the net with the community service.  By this time she was asking to be readmitted to hospital.  It is only now with hindsight that I can see how big a deal this was.  Her time in hospital had not been a 'good' experience, she had not been happy to be there.  Therefore asking to be admitted was probably a very difficult decision for her to have made.  The GP got onto the community team and arranged for someone to come out that afternoon (it was Friday).  I made sure I stayed with her all the time.

When the CPN ( one I had never met or had any contact with) arrived, she informed me that she had taken over mums care and I should have contacted them not the GP.  However when I informed her that I had no idea that they were still involved as no-one had contacted me since the old cpn told me he was leaving, she was at least apologetic that she had not been in touch with me.  She then proceeded to tell my mum that she could not be admitted back to hospital, the unit she had been in was now a dementia unit and there were no beds.  A discussion had been had before she came out to visit with the community psychiatrist and her medication had been increased.  Medication was one area that I had refused to get involved with - I have enough trouble controlling my own!

By December there had been no improvement, if anything she was slowly going more and more into a depressive stupor.  She had almost stopped going swimming with me.  I was having to go and fetch her to come round for tea, whereas before she had happily walked around.  I had found her somewhere to live - a lovely place just around the corner from my home.  She was anxious about buying it, but was doing the purchase herself along with the estate agent and solicitor.  I had to ask my brother to invite mum to his for Christmas to give me a break as now my caring role was becoming a daily activity.  He was very shocked to see how downhill she had gone.

At the end of January she had a review with her CPN, I had spoken to the cpn before the meeting to inform her that mum wasn't washing and was spending most of her time in bed.  During the review, mum was very quiet but voiced her anxiety about the move and life in general.

Then February arrived, a date for completion on the property was made, everything was set for exchange.  Then out of the blue I could not get hold of her.  After eventually having to break into her property I found her conscious but unresponsive and a pile of medication packaging next to her.  After being blue lighted to the hospital it took about 6 hours before I was finally informed that she was not going survive.  I was told it could take several days for her to die, thankfully she only lasted until the following lunch time.

Because of the nature of her death we have had to have a coroners inquest.  The coroners clerk regularly called and updated me on the process of the inquest as reports came in (or didn't in the case of the community services).  I was then given a date in December to attend and all the reports they had received were sent to me to read before the court appearance.  However I noticed that there was still no report from the community mental health services.  I said this to the coroners clerk when we arrived, he then went and discussed this with the coroner.  It was then decided by the coroner that the case should be adjourned as it was vital for a full report from the community team to be there as they were the only ones with regular contact with mum.


Last week I finally had another letter from the coroners office to say a new date had been set for next week and they also attached a report from the mental health team.  This was no ordinary report, it was a critical incident report which they had, had to complete for the health trust.  It was dated MARCH 2013, just a month after mum had died.  So I am left wondering WHY?????, why wasn't I informed that the report had been done, why had they not sent the report back when information was first requested from them by the coroner.  Why was so much of the information contradictory and in some places wrong.  Why was the appendix that should have been attached with a time line on it of their interventions with mum missing.  Why was there not mention of the change in CPN.  To say I was furious does not give justice to how I immediately felt.  Grief and anger came clashing into mind.  One week on, thankfully I am becoming calmer about it all.

So now, what do I do?  I decided to try and get hold of the person that wrote the report or one of the people on the management team that were named on the report.  A call was made 5 days ago, I was told I would be called back and that still has not happened.

How much time do I invest in this?  I am concerned that I am going to get to the inquest hearing next week and get too emotional to voice any of the above whys to the coroner.  Will he be interested anyway?  Trying to discern the right course of action to take has been exhausting.  Fortunately I have been able to talk through with my counsellor this process and she has helped me to look at how it is all affecting me.

Nothing I can do can bring my mum back.  However if I do nothing about these concerns and I keep them to myself, it is going to feel like I'm keeping some sort of secret inside of me.  This secret will never go away, I might find I can box it up and put it on a shelf in my memory, but it will never go away and as my mums experience has shown me, sometimes those secrets can manifest decades later when the mind comes under pressure.

So I have written this all down.  That is my starting point.  Next I need to sit down with the horrid report and mark clearly the bits of it that are wrong or that I do not understand (contradictions).  I am then planning to email the coroners clerk on monday with all my questions, so that I am not able to voice them during the inquest they can still be brought up.  I think I have also made peace with myself that if the coroner decides that no further action is warranted, I have to accept this.  However if this is the case I can still write to the health trust and let them know how viewing that report almost a year after it was written caused me too much upset.  I can also let them know my concerns about the details of the report.

If on the other hand the coroner thinks it needs further investigation, I can leave this to him to do.  It is not something I can do.  I may have quite a strong moral and ethical stance on injustice, but I do need to look after myself as well.  I still have a young family to look after, I still have a niece in an adolescent mental health unit, for whom I considered next of kin even though she is under the care of social services.  I need someone else to fight this battle for me if indeed it needs fighting.  Hopefully I can start to let go of all this unrest inside of me.  I am very much hoping that by this time next week I will be at peace with all the decisions that have been made.

Dear Mum.

So I should be saying Happy 67th Birthday today!  But I am not am I, you ensured you stayed 66 forever - that is an extreme way of not getting anymore grey hairs!

I cannot imagine how you thought suicide would be the answer. 

I cannot imagine how you could have thought that being dead would have had anything but a negative effect on your two remaining children and all your grandchildren.

For me it has been the ultimate punch in the face, you wanted to be with your other daughter and not me.

Did you have any awareness that this is how it would leave me feeling?  I hope not!  That way I can fantasise that this is just my own interpretation of how I am feeling, not how you were feeling.

There are days when I want to slap you round the face and remind you that you chose to have children - so why did you bring me up feeling as though it was my own fault that I existed?????

Then there are days when my heart bleeds for what you had to go through as a child, and for the support that you did not get from family, friends or counsellors.

I know I am so very fortunate.  I have an amazing husband, and beautiful loving children.  There are friends surrounding us that are there to support and hold us when we need it.  To leave us be when we need that.  And to make us smile and laugh when we need that.

I do hope seeing me striving to break the mould has not made you sad.  I do hope that you can see that we are trying to nurture individuality and freedom for our children.  Yes  this means there are times when I have to let my children 'Show off', but who are they harming?  Yesterday when A was walking down the street holding her arms out walking like a catwalk model, I could feel you cringing besides me and chastising me for letting her do it.  But she was having fun, she was playing, she was using her imagination to live out fantasies.  She was enjoying herself!  She knew this was an extra special treat - time with me.

There are only three memories that I have of you and me spending time just the two of us, maybe more will come back to me with time.

One was off us shopping together when I was probably 12 or so, but we were shopping for you.  I remember you constantly telling me this.  I had known that is why you were going but had still wanted to come with you with the hope that you might treat me to something.  You didn't, you just got cross that I wanted to look at things that were not what you were looking for.

The next was when I took you for lunch when you were visiting your mum in Kingston.  It must have been when she was in hospital, before Sally died as otherwise she would have come with us.  That I remember being a really pleasant pub lunch.

The last memory is of your birthday present last year.  Do you remember I got us tickets to see a west end show - something you had never done.  But you hated the whole experience.  Even telling me this while we were eating our lunch out in a lovely restaurant.  That hurt me so much.

So today is a bittersweet day for me.  There is a part of me relieved that I no longer feel responsible for trying to make life worth living ( yes I know that I did not have to do this, but it is how I felt).  Then there is the other part that had so hoped that living closer to each other would mean spending more quality time together, maybe even getting to know and respect each other more as we grew older.  For this I grieve.

Breaking the Mould.

Over the last 5 years my attention has been taken away from my family.  I have literally 'forgotten' how I wanted to parent.  Did you catch the 'I wanted' there?  I have always known I needed to parent in a different way from the way I was parented.  I am now starting to realise just what this means.

Now don't get me wrong - I do not blame my parents for parenting me as they did - they did what they could with the resources and experiences they had.   The result of the parenting I received however means I am burdened down with the injunctions that they moulded me with.  The phrase that sums up my up-bringing is 'Stop Showing Off'.  The effect of those three words has been devastating.  They were said for absolutely anything I did that was in any way different from how they behaved, the words came to mean - 'Stop being you'.

I remember with horror the first time I said it to my daughter - I think she was about 7 years old.  Fortunately I had confided in my husband about this injunction and so was able to talk to him about it afterwards.  It is not until I started to have counselling however that I have realised how far this injunction and all that follows it still affect me.  With my attention elsewhere for the last 5 years (looking after mum, dad and my niece) I have sort of lost the plot with my different way of parenting.

I have happily given over a day every 14 days (over the last 6 weeks) to my niece, however I am still not giving my own children their own time with me. 

Last week, I managed to watch a movie with both of them (individually - they have very different tastes).   I love the way God knows what my hearts desire really is.  Today I was in a quandary.  I had planned to take my daughter shopping this morning, knowing I had counselling this afternoon.  However a friend asked if A would like to go for a group bike ride (something she loves) first thing.  I thought maybe we could shop in between finishing that and me going out.  While she was out though I started to think that it was all going to be too much of a rush.  As a result when she came in I gave her the choice.  Either we could go straight away or she could come and meet me in Winchester after I had finished.  She chose the later and I am so pleased she did.

It gave me chance to talk through lots of issues with my counsellor, stuff that tied me down and needed bringing out in the open so that I could really do what I wanted to do - that is SPOIL my daughter.

And so I did.  We had so much fun, shopping for a couple of hours and then going out to eat together.  Tonight I am very exhausted...............but very happy and proud of myself.

In the Whirlpool.

I have started back with my counsellor.  It was a wonderful God-incidence to discover that she had a client finishing just as I called, in a slot I could take.  The relief of being able to see the same lady was immense, I'm not sure I could have started again with someone else, with all that has gone on.  Being remembered and not having to go back over the past has made returning much easier.

Having said that it is not an easy business facing up to things.  We were discussing the whirlpool of grief today.  Trying to actually name some of the feelings that are swirling around in my mind at the moment. I have had a revelation - I am totally illiterate at reading my own feelings.

Growing up feelings were either ignored or worse, discounted.  I have always wondered why when in emotional moments my gut instinct is to run away and hide.  There have been times when I have actually done this.  I remember during a turbulent relationship in my late teens, finding myself on the M1 driving to Leeds in my car.  I even got as far as deciding I would find a hotel room, before realising that I was a young woman on my own and had a safe bed to go to if I really wanted it.

So how is my illerateness (I'm sure that is not a word) affecting me now?  It means I can't tell those closest to me how I feel, because I don't even know myself.  I know I feel pants (awful) but I can rarely put my finger on why.  This means those around me have no idea what to do or say.  It also means that I just build walls with no doors and retreat (runaway) into myself.  And I can tell you that is not a very nice place to be.

What has shook me most is realising that I am going to end up passing on something to my children that I really do not want to - maybe they will start thinking they have done something to make me feel bad.  Maybe they will just think that I am forever grumpy.  Even worse than this maybe I will not be able to teach them how to identify their own emotions/feelings enabling them to handle things that they are going to have to face as they grow up.

So I have a choice, to learn to identify and vocalise my emotions or to stay as I am.  It really is a no brainer, however I know it is not going to be an easy journey.

Big Birthdays.

We had a big birthday in the house last week, my first born has finally reached his long awaited 13th birthday.  I have a teenager in the house once again.

I had to take a quick picture of this as we took him his birthday breakfast in bed, This little sign was on a birthday card from a dear friend last year saying Watch out almost a teenager, as you can see he had popped out of bed while we were downstairs and scribbled out the almost and put A teenager.

Here he is enjoying his breakfast. you might just about make out our flying puppy dog trying to get a little closer to that brekky!

We planned a quiet day, he had already been out a couple of weekends before hand to celebrate with some friends to a theme park without parental supervision for the first time!

It is very strange approaching this age with a young person again.  The last time was when we had my niece living with us, the first birthday she had with us was 13, 10 months after she arrived.  So much has happened since then.  The difference this time is that I have been been there from the beginning with my first born.  From our bed to moses basket, from moses basket to cot, from cot to child's bed, from child's bed to his current single bed.  Hopefully there will be no more beds while he is at our home but many more birthdays still to come.

I am so proud and thankful of all that he has brought into our lives and pray that he will bear with us as we try to navigate through his teenage years with him.

This is the yummy, chocolate, fudge toffee cake that my 11 year old daughter made for him

she has got a little longer to wait, though is quite desperate to get there already!  Hopefully we can help her to wait patiently and enjoy the 17 months she still has before she gets there!

Simple Days

Life is seems to be starting to slow down into a simpler routine than when I was working.  On the whole my days go by at a much more gentle pace.  I am managing to get to the swimming pool three times a week with my mum, and have built up to swimming 1100m each time (that's 44 lengths of our pool) which takes me between 40 and 50 minutes depending on how many lengths I do on my back.  These are the only set activities I presently have.

Tuesday and Thursday are my non swimming days, last Tuesday felt like a break through.  The first day when I felt as though I was able to do all that I wanted to do.  I spent the morning doing some crochet after a quick catch up on facebook, twitter and blogger and checking e-mails.  After lunch I made supper for me and the children (husband was working an afternoon shift) so that it could go in the oven as my daughter has her saxophone lesson from 5.30 to 6pm.  I then did some more crochet, managing to finish off a second pair of wrist warmers/fingerless mittens for one of my God-daughters and one of my nieces.  These were then ready to package up and sent through the post BEFORE their birthdays!

When my children arrived home from school there was time for a catch up with them and we then had notice that my daughters saxophone lesson had been cancelled.  The one activity I had not managed was walking the dog so this gave me the ideal opportunity to go and do that AND to go to the local shop at the same time to get milk which we were running low on and I had noticed!

Supper was ready when I got back, I put bread on to bake in the bread maker and the day was rounded off nicely with a bit of TV with the children. An early bed when my son went up meant I could read the very good book I got on my Kindle last week, you can see what it is here.  I can highly recommend the book, I have been introduced to the author on facebook via another author friend and this is the first book of hers I have read - a very gripping historical tale.

What made this day quite so perfect?  My husband coming in from work at 10.30pm, popping his head around the bedroom door and making a lovely comment about how nice the house smelt as the bread was almost ready for him to take out :o).  Sometimes it really is the simple things.

Neglect

                                                    Hengistbury Head, Dorset, August 2012.

I haven't purposely been neglecting my blog, it's just sort of happened!  Over the summer holidays I was purposely trying to spend more time with my family doing things than sitting on my computer.  However there is another little venture that has been taking up any spare time - I have opened a shop on the folksy site - if you are interested in taking a peek you can find it by following this link.  I am still to make a sale yet but trying very hard not to get disheartened.

We did manage to have some very exciting adventures over the summer, including a trip to Paris and Switzerland!  We managed to get to the paralympics in the stadium and watched a GB wheelchair racer get a gold medal!  There have been some days at the beach despite the overall terrible weather we have had.

My niece has now finally been released from the secure forensic psychiatric unit she has been in since the end of December and seems to be settling in her new children's home.  It is about a 60 mile round trip to go and see her but we are trying to maintain regular contact.  She is going to be starting college hopefully in the next few weeks, skipping year 11 of school as she has missed so much, so that will be another great achievement for her.

My mum is still trying to decide whether she wants to stay down in the south or move back to the east midlands.  I would love to be able to help her make this decision but unfortunately it is one she has to make herself.  I will miss her if she goes back, but want her to be where she might find some happiness.

My health continues to be up and down, having all the focus on the paralympics this last few weeks has been difficult.  I find myself feeling very jealous that some people with disabilities are able to find great things to excel in, whereas for me I just see all the obstacles, not just health probs but money ones too!  IU am trying to keep up with my swimming, though this has been difficult over the summer holidays as the pool is so full of children, I have taken the opportunity to take my daughter a few times though.  At the moment I have pulled a muscle in my neck which is very very painful and restricting, probably brought on by tensing my shoulders after walking too much and getting painful legs at the weekend!

So I will try and remedy the neglect that has occurred to this poor old blog and catch up with all my fellow bloggers who I have also been neglecting!  Thanks for bearing with me!

A Book Review

My mum passed on a book to me last week, warning me that I might find it a tough subject as it dealt with a damaged young girl in the foster care system.  To be honest I was very surprised that she had been able to read it.  The book in question is Crying For Help by Casey Watson.  I read the whole book in a day.  I am not sure this is testament to a great story or just the fact that I had been bed bound for much of last week.

I would not normally look at books in this genre, mostly because anything that is strictly fictional I would probably end up trying to find faults with.  However this book is based on real experiences that the author has had in her other life as a foster carer for seriously damaged children.

The lack of information coming forward from social services, difficulty with children and adolescent mental health services was all too familiar to the scenario that we went through when we were kinship caring for my niece.  The behaviour of the child in question 'Sophia' was so similar in many many ways to our experience, as was the roller coaster ride of not knowing what could possibly happen next as we lurched from crisis to crisis.

There was one point in the story where I became quite angry with the presumptions the foster carer was making about the child's family.  She had no father, her mother was in a persistent vegetative state and she had lived with her uncle for a while until him and his wife became first time parents of a newborn.  The situation of not being able to really KNOW what had happened to the child in the past because of the state of the mother and lack of social services intervention was very similar to the situation we found ourselves in.  The not knowing for sure whether stories are true, based on truth, or imagined/made up is very difficult.  In the author's case she seemed to believe the stories Sophia told her and judged the family quite severely.  I so felt for the uncle, as the story unfolds it becomes apparent that if a professional struggles with Sophia's problems, how was a first time kinship carer supposed to manage them.   I can just imagine how difficult the decision to hand her over to social services must have been.  This book has confirmed that which I already knew - there will be people who come into contact with my niece who will be judging me in the same way.  That is hard to live with.  Though there is nothing I can do about it so there is really no point dwelling on it.

The book is a great story and it did keep me gripped, however I did not really feel that the writing gave it justice - or maybe that is just me getting my own back having felt judged!  The jury is still out on whether I would read another of her books, I certainly would not rush to get another.

Today I am also continuing to count my blessings with Ann Voskamp:

820.  Better drugs giving me pain relief from my back problem.

821.  Unexpected cards in the post from caring friends.

822.  The delivery of some on-line shopping which has helped me be a little less bored in my bed bound state.

823.  Blue sky!

824. Happy daughter as she finished her primary school years.

825. Reading through a years worth of books and papers from her last year at school.

826. Books to read.

827. A husband that has to put up with far too much.

828. A little pumpkin starting to grow in my veg patch.

829. White roses and Gypsophila growing in my garden reminding me of my wedding flowers.

It's all so quiet - shhhh shhhh shhhh

The song from bonkers Icelandic singer Bjork is going round in my head this morning as my house is soooooo quiet.

When you can hear a tick from the pendulum of a clock, the sound of your own steady breathing, every creak of the bed or seat you are sitting on you know you have found quietness.

I just love it. 

I know if I go outside it will not be quite so quiet.  There will be bird song and fluttering leaves as the squirrels go about their business in the woods besides us.  There will be the sounds of people jetting off to foreign climbs.  Children playing in gardens around us.  Car doors opening and closing.

It is so tempting to stay curled up in my indoor cocoon.  The sounds in the outdoors I know will make me want to do something.  Especially when the sun has finally come out after so many months of rain.  Yesterday they talked me into a little gardening, a little pegging of washing on the line.  Today my body is telling me too much. 

Will I ever learn to go be amidst the sounds of life and not be tempted to try and join them?

I remarked to my husband this morning as he took the children off to a church service where they will be playing their instruments, that soon he might start getting the sympathetic looks and offerings of casseroles as people think he is bringing up the children alone.

One thing I can do in this quiet however is go through my daughters final year of primary school life.  Over this week the coffee table has become more and more laden with books, folders, pictures and projects.  I will look at every single one.  I will recall the stories she has told me of things that she did on a particular school day and enjoy seeing what she was describing.

I'm sad that I couldn't make it to her leavers assembly where each child gets presented with a bible.  I'm sad that even if she had wanted me to I couldn't have walked to fetch her on her final day at the school she has been at for the last seven years.  The school that first drew us to come and look at houses in this area.  The school that we noticed was right next to a church, I still remember the day that we pulled up into the school/church car park one Sunday morning.  We heard a trombone playing and there and then felt God calling us to a new home.

But dwelling on that makes me melancholy - too many sad things have happened in these last seven years.

For now I shall go and make myself a cup of tea (at least I can move around reasonably pain free at the moment) and settle down with the books and folders, pictures and projects.

xx

SATS week.

A couple of weeks ago my 11 year old daughter had to endure a week of statutory testing at school.  I have been praying that they would have been abolished in the format they are in by the time she got to them, but it was not to be.  My son thrived doing them last year - he is a very academically able young man.  My daughter on the other hand, is still getting to grips with her dyslexia in my opinion because of the impact of the school not listening to me for too long.

To try and give her something to smile about everyday and to enable me to have something to keep my prayers on her all day I came up with a cunning little plan.  I had started some weeks ago to make a little dolly following this pattern that I found on a lovely blog.  I altered the pattern slightly (I never can stick to instructions!) so that I could make clothing separately for it.  When I started it I was just playing, I had no idea who I was making it for.  Then the weekend before the SATS started, I suddenly had THE idea.

I finished the dolly (she had seen it but I didn't tell her it would be hers), she took it on her self to ask me if she could have it for her SATS week!  I just kept her waiting all weekend saying I hadn't decided what I was going to do with her.

Just in time for Monday morning I had her ready with her first outfit made.  I suppose I really ought to put some photo's in now, here you go:

Here she is in her underwear and necklace!  All the pictures were taken by my daughter in our garden yesterday.

 The first day it was a simple summer outfit, shorts, top and head band.

 This is her little french outfit, dress, shoes, shrug, handbag and beret

 

The next day she wore a little hippy outfit, head band, top, trousers and long jacket.

The final day was party time and so I went to town, dress, shoes, cap and coat.

I got the ideas for many of the clothes from this web site, I think I am going to have a go at making one of this ladies dolls next!  The cap in the final outfit came from here, it is an adult pattern but as I am using fine crochet cotton and a 1.5mm needle it came out just right for my dolly!  I have to say a big thank you to Pinterest at this point, it is only because of this site that I first found any of these little dolly type patterns which stirred my creative, if you would like to find my pins you can do here.

By the way we have named this little star - she is Pixie Less (as opposed to the pop start Pixie Lot!).

My daughter has now come up with the idea of making some of these for teachers gifts for the end of term - I am going to see if I can make some teeny tiny ones.

Back home.

We got back home 4 days ago and I am afraid I am still suffering terribly with jet lag.  We have had three weeks in Florida, just the four of us.  It has been a great family bonding experience after all the upsets of the last 3 1/2 years.  It felt very decadent to be in such a large villa (one husband and I stayed in years ago before we had children with friends) by ourselves.  However God knew what we needed and he provided it!

I have been ruminating about how write about it when we did so much so have decided to do it in the form of reviews of the various places we went.  There were only two parks that we went to and only spent one day at each these were Discovery Cove and Seaworld.  The rest we dipped in and out of over several days (and for some, weeks).  I thought I would start today with Epcot.  This was the first place we visited at the request of the children.  We had arrived very late on the Saturday night, spent Sunday stocking the cupboards and swimming in the pool and by the late afternoon were ready to go and start investigating Walt Disney World.

EPCOT
You can find a map of the Epcot park here.

This turned out to be our most visited theme park of the holiday.  It is the largest in size and is dominated at the entrance by a huge ball which houses a ride called Space Ship Earth.  This turned out to be our most ridden on ride, partly due to the fact that we never had to queue to go on it!

This ride takes you on a steady tram ride round and round the inside of the ball with a display of videos and animatronic tableaux giving a brief history of the world, from the big bang to cavemen, to Egyptians, to the first books, radio, film, computers until you finally reach the top of the ball where you get an amazing sight (not going to spoil it for those that have not been).  There is then a slow descent back which is done backwards, to keep you entertained they now have a touch screen video in each little 2 seater car where you can explore what the earth might be like in the future.  This was great fun and very much a favourite thing of my 11 year old daughters.

Around this area are several innovations areas which have all sorts of computer games and learning experiences which are great fun when it was not to busy.  We did come across on our final visit to this park an area where you could build your own roller coaster and then get into a simulator and ride it - this looked incredible and we wished we had found it earlier, as the queue was too long.

To get around queueing when we were in the Disney parks for more than a couple of hours, fast passes were brilliant.  These enabled you to get an hour slot when you could by pass the main queues (some of which were 2 hours long!) and do your ride with very little queueing.

We were pleased to find Ellens Energy Adventure still there, this is another very low thrill tram ride and I am amazed at how much the children learnt about energy.

The world showcase takes up more than half of the parks site and is situated all the way round the big lake.  You go from country to country getting a taste of building and life styles.  Most of the countries had restaurants in them (and shops, lots of shops).  A few had rides or shows, we didn't go into them all but had a good walk around the whole area.
This is Germany.

This was China.

There were several other areas that we looked at - Living with the Land is an area where lots of scientific work is being done on genetically modifying plants to grow in certain ways as well as using different growing materials such as hydroponics.  My son was not that impressed especially as the ride that took you gently around the whole area was on a boat, the irony of it not being land was just too much for him.  We had hoped to book a table at the Garden Grill restaurant here as we had very fond memories of visiting it 14 years ago.  Sadly we could not get a table even 3 days in advance at a time that suited us.  However this did mean that we got to eat at the canteen style restaurant in this area that still used fresh food grown on site.  We were so pleased to find this gem, not only were the prices far more affordable than the main restaurant but it also had a huge vegetarian choice, I had vegi sushi, my husband a Moroccan vegi filled wrap, my son a sort of tapas and my daughter stuck with an egg salad - all were satisfied.

This area also included the Soarin' ride.  This was fantastic, you sat in rows rather like being suspended in a seat under a hand glider and were then rotated and raised so that you were in front of a huge video screen flying over California, this was definitely one of my favourites.

Another area was all about space, here you found the mission space ride

 

I know lots of facts about this ride due to my son swallowing a guide book while we were away, it was fascinating learning the history of the rides but I will not try and bore you with it all now.  This ride split in two you could go on a green ride or an orange ride, we opted for green to start with.  You were directed into little 4 seater capsules which felt very much like you were in a space ship before the screen in front  of you took you on a launch and trip through space before landing.  It was a very confined space and dark but the simulation was quite gentle and we loved pressing all the buttons (which were just for playing with :o).  My husband and son then went on the orange ride and reported back that it was just the same except it spun you round a bit as well when you were taking off.  This did not sound too bad - so my daughter and I thought we would give it a go. Big Mistake, I ended up feeling very ill as the G-force the spinning caused was horrendous!

Having had previous experience of the parks we knew to take our own food in with us, when we could and although it is only Spring the temperatures were well in the 80's most of the time and having cool spray stops like the one above were very welcome.

Other adventures we enjoyed in this park were:

Maelstrom - a very small log fume type ride in Norway where the trolls tell you to 'Go Back' and so you do.

Reflections of China - a 360 degree cinema taking you around the Great wall of China and other areas in China.

Test Track - this ride is brilliant and we finally got my daughter on it on the last day, hubby managed to film this little bit of her enjoying a 60 mile an hour test on the track - a great family ride:

 

The seas with Nemo and friends - another very gentle family ride watching Nemo and friends having an adventure, ending with very clever cartoons being shown on the front of a real aquarium.

Turtle Talk with Crush - it took some persuading the children to go on this as it looked very much for little children, I had to confess I was a little apprehensive as well.  However it turned out to be so much fun.  You get deposited into a human tank and a Crush the surfer dude sea turtle from Nemo comes and has a chat with you.  He is a cartoon but he is working in real time, asking questions of real people in the audience.  The answers to the questions were responded to individually and then the children were invited to ask their own questions of Crush.  The facial expressions and funny answers that Crush gave made it absolutely hilarious as well as technically very very clever.

The first and second to last night we spent watching the amazing fireworks.  To get a great place around the lake to watch them,  I sat and kept a space while husband took the children off to do things for another hour.

The wait was well worth it.

 

I wonder where I might tell you about next..........

Busy Hands

I have had very busy hands this last month or so.  In fact they have been so busy I have been rather suffering for it.  I had been thinking I had found the perfect yarn craft in crochet as it seemed I could do so much more than when I knitted before my hands hurt with my rheumatoid arthritis.  However it now seems to have caught up with me again.

This is what I have managed to produce:

This is the first garment I have every tried to crochet,  I could not find a pattern that would suit my almost 11 year old daughter.  I therefore took the pattern from a garment for young boys from this book.  I have a little dress making experience and so knew roughly the shape the pieces needed to be, I used one of my daughters cardigans for the size.  The yarn is sirdar simply recycled cotton, I wrote a post back at the beginning of February about buying the yarn and making decisions on what to make.  I am so pleased with the end result and it fits beautifully, when I get a chance I will take a photo of her wearing it.  For those wanting a closer look at the pattern here you go:

I brought far to much yarn and so then went on to design and make this halter neck top to go underneath it:

I can't wait for our holiday where it will be warm enough for her to wear this.

Last night my itchy fingers decided to get going on a couple of new projects inspired by this wonderful blog Attic24 especially an older post I saw eons ago on mini bunting.  So I set about having ago with some left over bits of fair trade cotton I had left over from my giant  ripple blanket project (which I still have not blogged on!).  This was the result:

My daughter hasn't seen this yet I took this photo while she was at school today, it will be a little treat for her to open on her birthday!  It has got me thinking of all the different colour combinations I could use and the things I could embroider on the little flags!

There was also just time last night to cover another pot that has been sitting waiting patiently on my shelves where I sit and do:

(is the yarn familiar? yes it is more of the simply recycled, that I had left over).  This inspired me to get on and sort my shelves out, I now have 3 card board boxes which I am going to cover in a similar way to the above pot.  When that is done I shall post the results.

Through the Eyes of my daughter.

My 11 year old daughter has had the camera out, these pictures of hers capture some real blessings.

 690. A walk with my family.

 691. The rotten stuff in our lives being washed away.

 692.  Love that knows no boundaries.

 693.  Sunshine.

 694.  Long legged shadows.

 695.  My secure fortress.

 696.  My rock.

 697.  Blue sky and green grass.

 698.  Sea spray on our faces.

 699.  The eyes that saw it all.