All Tyred Out

Well hello out there, yes it's little old me! Finally opening up my laptop rather than than just playing away with another game of solitaire (and Candy Crush) on my little tablet.  I am actually quite amazed that this laptop has agreed to be turned on, let alone patiently wait while it updated just about everything which took all afternoon.  So I have decided that I can't just switch it back off again but will thank it's trust in me by writing a little about where we are at.

My last post was at a very bad time, my mental health was taking an absolute battering. My youngest daughter was an in patient at a (thankfully local) mental health unit being treated for anorexia, anxiety and depression.  The good news is she was able to leave after 6 months and though we still have a way to go, progress is gently being made towards recovery.  The not so good news is that her physical health has taken a battering and we are now in the throes of trying to get that sorted out.  Little did I know that the following month from that last post I would be told that my eldest child had been keeping something under wraps unable to talk about it with us for going on 7 years.  Thank fully since opening up I can now embrace my new daughter and we can share the burden that was burying her.  I may write more on our journey through the transgender highway another time.

So did the picture give you a clue about what has been on my mind?  It is actually a real picture, taken by my youngest daughter last bank holiday Monday.  My faith as you can imagine has been taking a real battering through our many trials.  However many years ago when I started blogging I used to love reading blogs by Ann Voskamp about counting your blessings.  I ended up with quite a lot of bed bound time after getting home from an unforgettable journey and blessings began to pour out in my prayers for just how 'blessed' my daughter and I had been.

The picture shows my poor little car stranded between the first lane and the grass verge on the southbound carriage way of the A34.  Moments before I had been doing 70mph on the M40, after coming off and onto the A34 it felt like I was loosing a little power with the accelerator but that seemed to pass and I was soon cruising through at about 60mph, then in a blink there was an odd noise, followed by a clunk and suddenly my steering wheel was desperately trying to shake me off.

I had to hold the steering wheel so hard that I was suddenly slowing down and aware that I needed to let the drivers around me know that I was in trouble.  "Emergency lights" was all I was able to shout to my daughter, the correct term of putting on your hazard lights completely failing to come out.  My passenger side front tyre had blown.  For anyone that knows the A34 it is a horrible road,  prone to some of the most serious accidents as there is no hard shoulder but it feels like a motorway in this particular stretch.  I quickly was able to tell my daughter to get out and behind the crash barrier that was on her side.  Realising that there was far to much traffic for me to try and get out the drivers door I got my very stiff and ailing body to clamber over to the passenger seat grabbing my phone and also getting behind the barrier.  Now here comes the first of my blessings:

• The day before I had met up with friends and left my car lights on while we went in a tea shop and for a little walk at a favourite beauty spot.  When I returned to the car my battery was as dead as it could be.  It took me 30 minutes to find out which emergency breakdown service we now belonged to - but got sorted and thanks to amazing friends were able to carry on our family visiting and get back to our next hotel stop with hardly any delay.  So where's the blessing you might add - if all this hadn't happened.  I would have been standing in the cold (not wet as it had been the day before - another blessing!!) on the side of a very busy road trying to find out which emergency service we belonged to.  As it was I could go onto my phones log and ring the right one straight away.

Now my youngest daughter is learning to drive at the moment.  She has only had a few lessons but likes to talk about it and mention what the speed limit is quite regularly! Now her beloved saxophone was in the car along with my mobility scooter (okay so she trumps me, her saxophone is worth more) she was getting more and more anxious about it as we watched many HGV's hurtling pass my tiny little car.  She was desperate to get it out but I had to be STRICT mommy, she was not to pass over the safety barrier for anything other than living persons.  Everything else all though terribly important  was covered by insurance!  So along came another blessing:

• The police contacted me to check we were keeping safe.  They got to us before the breakdown recovery van.  They stopped the whole southband traffic so that we could safely come over the barrier, completely validating my insistence that we did NOT cross over the barrier for anything in the car.  Yes we were cold but we were safe.

My daughter got to ride in the police car with blue lights flashing, keeping the traffic behind him while I sat in the passenger seat of my car and the lovely policelady drove my injured vehicle to the next parking layby, there was my next blessing:

• The layby was out of sight but really not that far so my inner wheel was not damaged by being driven on with a completely flat falling off tyre.

 Just as we were pulling into the layby the next blessing was rushing to get in:

• The breakdown recovery man phoned to say he was very close.  This meant two blessings really, the police could go and continue their great work on our streets and roads AND we didn't have to wait long to be recovered .

So you would think that was the end of the story ....... however it was not.  The lovely recovery man asked me if I had a spare tyre and I was certain I did not, remembering seeing a can of the gunk that is supposed to make do for a spare as most cars have these days.  He did some ringing round to find a tyre place open on bank holiday Monday then proceeded to go take my wheel off to take it away to get it fixed.  He needed a key, I had no idea what he was talking about, just that he needed something to get my tyre off.  So along came the next blessing:

•  I could not think where I would have such a thing stored other than under the floor of my boot where I kept an emergency blanket, etc.  He opened the back up, we had to take some of my scooter bits out which thankfully my husband had put in, in pieces so that I could get it out (another blessing!) under the floor was a tray which made the recovery man do a 'hang on a minute' noise.  He lifted the tray and there snuggled like a babe in a rocker was my spare tyre. This of course meant no trip to get a very expensive bank holiday tyre replaced, instead we were back on the road with 30 minutes.

The life lessons for us both were obvious the rest of the journey home.  My daughter learnt lots about road safety, she was very sobered to see that if we had broken down just a few miles further on there was no safety barrier and we would have had to try and climb (with my poor old body) up an embankment to be safe.  I now have the peace of mind, knowing that she will know exactly what she needs to do if every caught in a similar situation.

Now you would think that one tyre related incident would be quite enough for one family.  However just a few weeks earlier my husband and I had a near miss with a lorry losing a pair of tyres which we watched bounce across the motorway to hit the central reservation so hard that they then bounced back in front of us and UP a slip road.  Despite feeling quite jet lagged having just come off a night flight my hero of a husband kept his cool and we got home in one piece.

So that's all I am going to say about TYRES, except to reiterate that enough is enough, could all tyres just stay on their vehicles for the foreseeable future please!!

Heart wounds.

A phone call ends and blood flows from the gaping wound left in my heart.  Eyes stare at those hopes, those much prayed for hopes as they burn leaving only ashes ahead.  Don't ask me how I feel, I don't know...... Angry? Furious? Tired? Resigned? Mournful? Sadness? oh yes, there is definitely sadness, I can feel it flattening me to the ground.  That is something I suppose, I can identify something correctly, practise makes perfect.

Thirty minutes before the phone call I was walking the dog, laughing out loud at her antics as she first got stuck in a stream and then swirled into madness as the squirrels in front of us suddenly all took off in different directions.

Madness....... I wouldn't have been giving that word any more thought now if the phone call hadn't come.  But it did, Madness, Mental health, Self Harm, Suicide, oh yes, more and more thoughts are tumbling out of their neat little boxes in my mind where I can usually keep them tidy AND under lock and key.

I could of course could just quickly vacuum all those horrid thoughts up, get them back under lock and key, hey! what does it matter if they are not neat and tidy in their little boxes. I'm so tempted, that way would be so quick, so.... I might need to wear a mask again for a while but who cares?

Actually I care.  There is also that gaping wound that needs dealing with.  A wounded heart needs attention.  A quick patch up job will fail, I know this and have some ugly scars to show for it.  What this heart needs right now is a healing touch, I need the hands of my maker to come and hold his hand over this wound.  He will stem the flow of blood.  He won't mind the mess, the redness, the rawness.  His hands will work with such care. His patience will be forever enduring. There will be another scar but it will be different. I'm learning from Him to have patience too. No human can say or do the right thing, right now. I shall just wait and wait some more.

New hopes will come too, in their own time.

Luke 12:7  Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.

Self Awareness.

There is one problem with becoming more self-aware - it makes it very hard to hang on to your negative behaviour!

You may have seen my last rant of a post and if so you will be pleased to know that my anger and frustration is calming down.

You see, I am aware it is MY anger and frustration.  And what I am learning is........sometimes it is better to just get it out there.  Blow what anyone else might think about it!  I have watched people I love sit on their feelings, refusing to acknowledge them and seen those same people completely self-destruct.

However, when you have spent most of your life relying on the affirmation of others, being real is exceptionally hard.

Trying to explain how I feel when I am still trying to work it out myself is also very very hard.  It takes me some time and an awful lot of thought and energy.

Does it really matter? Would it not be better to learn to just not let STUFF bother me in the first place, to just let it go..........  Or would that just lead me into a shallowness, where I was not really able to connect with others around me?  I suppose I am really hoping that by becoming more self-aware 'stuff' will not bother me in quite the same way as it does with all these hang ups, hanging around.

I have still not quite worked out how to try and mend the broken relationship with my niece - I think I am going to be letter writing.  Things will also have to change a little in our relationship, I was obviously giving far to much of myself for it to blow as it did.  She will soon be turning 18 and will need to rely on me less if she is to have any hope of getting any sort of independence.

Gah! life can be so scary................ what would I do without my faith.  Taking on the responsibilities of the world would most definitely be enough to squash me completely!

So as I go into this new week, I shall keep forgiving those that have upset me (I never seem to be able to do anything just once) and I shall keep giving thanks for the bounty of gifts that I have been given ......

970. Unexpected kind words from a friend.

971. Putting fabric through my sewing machine.

972. Blowing bubbles with each breath as I swim.

973. Watching my dog watching the world go by from the window.

974. Conversations with my daughter in the car.

975. The cup of tea made by my son.

976. Using up the meal, that was frozen from left overs.

977. Green foods, boosting my iron intake.

978. The smell of real fires in the outside air.

979. A hug from a new very little friend.

May your week be full of acknowledged blessings xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

A Bit of Reflection

Mirror lakes, near Milford Sound, South Island, New Zealand, taken April 2014 

A thought struck me today (amazing I know!), this time 6 years ago I was living blissfully unaware of the snowball effect of family illness and deaths I was about to have to embrace.  There are times when I am so thankful that I cannot see into the future.

So where was I, 6 years ago.  I was reasonably well, had recently gone back to work (part-time) after a 7 year child rearing break from paid employment.  I was recovering from an unpleasant period of time when our relationship with our previous church had gone sour.  I had started this blog and was spending a lot of time trying to work out who I was and where I fit into life's big scheme.

And where am I now?  I am physically much weaker, I am no longer able to work.  In many ways I feel mentally/emotionally much weaker too.  However I do not see this as a bad thing.  In fact I can look back at that person I was trying to find 6 years ago and feel quite content that I may just have found the person that God made me to be.

This verse from the Bible just about sums it all up, it is written by Paul as he wrote to the Church in Corinth.

2 Corinthians 12:9

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.

Six years ago I was still manoeuvring my way through life with the driver, 'Be Strong' that had been instilled in me from being a child.  What I have learnt is that by saying NO, to this driver, by admitting my weakness, I have been able to accept help that I would have previously refused and definitely not welcomed. That is help from God and help from those around me as well.

I am part of a ladies group within our current church that meets each week to do a bible study.  We have been going through a book and dvd that I found on the internet called, Let It Go, by Karen Ehman.  I do apologise if you now have the Frozen tune going around in your head - it really is nothing to do with that song!  What caught my attention was the first chapter, it is entitled, God Called He'd Like His Job Back.  I could so relate to this!  The problem with my, 'Be Strong', driver was that it doesn't leave any room for God!  All your energy focuses on yourself, and I'm sure this is not only to the detriment of my relationship with God but with those around me to!

Over the last six years I have also seen my marriage become stronger.  This seems to have come about by the letting go a little of strong friendships with others.  Don't get me wrong, friendships are very important to me but it has taken this last six years for me to appreciate that they are definitely second to my relationship with my husband.

I do not have life sorted, I am sure there are still plenty more storms for me to weather in the next six years.  I am very pleased that I do not know what is around the corner and I am very thankful for what I have right here, right now.

Blessings,  Jane x.

Starting as I mean to go on.

Happy New Year faithful followers!  And faith full you are indeed if you are still following me - only 25 posts last year and most of those were of me moaning!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I cannot promise to be moan free this year - but I will try and keep it to a minimum.  A dear friend posted the above picture on facebook today and it got me thinking........

1.  Make Peace with your past  so it won't disturb your present.

I have been doing a lot of this over the last 12 months with the help of a very patient therapist and family.  It is very easy to make flippant comments to people about letting go of the past, or letting bygones be bygones.  However none of these are helpful if you haven't come to terms and made peace with your past.  It doesn't mean you have to not care about the past, it doesn't mean your past becomes unimportant.  Your past is goes with you as you travel through life and if you don't make peace with this travelling companion then it is going to be a very uncomfortable ride.

2. What other people think of you is none of your business.

Isn't this just so true!  If people look at me and think I'm a lazy oaf who sits on the sofa all day doing nothing much - does that make it true? (well to be honest occasionally, it probably is).  Of course it doesn't, these thoughts (if they exist)  belong to other people and while I might spend too much time thinking this of myself because it's what I think other people are thinking it.......... it really is none of my business.

3.  Time heals almost everything give it time.

Sounds corny, but it is true.  Though time is a construct that is individual to each of us. I have also noticed that some things heal more quickly than others, just like physical wounds do.

4. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.

Now this one made me think a little deeper.  As a practising Christian I do believe that there is someone 'in charge' - God.  However this faith also means that I have to accept that God gives us free will.  Which then  brings us around to the issue of happiness.  We have the choice to be happy - really? yes, I really believe we do.  When I first had some counselling a couple of years ago one of the first things my therapist said to me was that I used gallows laughter all the time.  I didn't understand what this meant until she explained it and I realised that sometimes she was right.  I laughed because if I didn't I would cry - I was laughing at the absurdity of the situations I was finding myself in.  At the time I felt a little offended by this - it felt like she was telling me this was not a good thing.  However as time has gone on I have noticed that actually my 'gallows' laughter is a part of the armour that God has given me to protect myself from all the absurdity around me.  It isn't something I do to hide what is really going on for me, it is there to help me cope.  And for that reason alone I think it is an absolute blessing!

5. Don't compare your life to others and don't judge them you don't know what their journey is all about.

Ouch, now this is a toughy.  I have been called judgemental to my face twice in my life.  Both times it has cut me down immediately.  Once by someone who new me very well and once by someone who hardly knew me at all.  It makes no difference to how it made me feel though.  We all make judgements all the time, it is a necessary part of life.  Do I want a cup of tea?  Have I got time to do a bit more crochet?  They are all decisions that I make after judging the merits of my situations.  It is therefore inevitable that we will sometimes end up judging other people, but this is where I will refer back to point 2.  If other people think I am judging them, that is their business not mine.  And then back to point 1, make peace with the things that have happened in the past.

I do sometimes look at my life and wonder if I would be happier walking someone else's journey.  However the journey of other peoples lives is obviously just the bits that I can see, I will never know someones whole journey.   I might sometimes look with envy on those who have more physically able bodies than I have.  However when I look at the rest of those peoples lives, I am soon brought back to earth with the contentment I need to carry on my own journey on my own path.

6. Stop thinking too much it's alright not to know the answers.  They will come to you when you least expect it.

I love this!  As someone with an appalling memory for important stuff, like peoples names - I really do know that complete joy when the name actually comes to you!  In the age of google where you can get an answer (or at least think you have ) to almost everything in a few taps it is hard to sometimes just let things go.  This is something I am daily challenged with by my two children, one a teenager, one almost there.  My eldest particularly is very precise in nature and likes to have an answer to everything.  I on the other hand am happy (usually) to leave loose ends.

7. Smile you don't own all the problems in the world.

Now I (along I am sure with many others)  have been on the receiving end of someone telling you to smile when something awful has just happened - gah - it makes me gag just thinking about it!  However if you are able to, a smile can make a world of difference to others.  It can diffuse anger, it can restore hope, it can give you a brief moment of reprieve.  I know this because I have been on the receiving end of others smiles in times of great need in my own life.  I have also been privileged to be told by some lovely people that my smile lights up a room - this may or may not be true but it makes me feel fabulous!

So I cannot say that I think these are definitely 7 rules to live your life by, but I do think they are all very sound pointers.  So much so that I am going to print it off for my 16 year old niece who is in a long term secure mental health unit.  It will definitely give us something to talk about when I next go and visit!

I also saw this picture also recently

and decided this is going to be my motto for 2014.  Saying what I feel has only really been possible through my blog, but slowly, slowly (very very slowly) I am starting to find my feeling voice in public with the people who mean most to me and hopefully this is going to continue into the new year.........

bye for now xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Rumination and Mindfulness

I am reading a book at the moment called 'How Crochet Saved My Life' by Kathryne Vercillo.  It is really taking me back to my Occupational Therapy (OT) training.  The whole ethos of OT is that we are made to be productive beings and when we face illness or disability that productiveness can become disrupted.

This book is written by someone who managed to get a handle on her depression by the productivity of crochet.  This is something that resonates very much with me.  As I am reading it, I find myself going - 'I knowwwwww' it response to her statements.  One of the problems that I have found myself struggling with is rumination.  The process of going over stuff that I can do nothing about over and over again in my mind.  Breaking this habit is so difficult, however there are a few activities that I do which help me to practise 'mindfullness' which in turn breaks the rumination.  The activites that help me at the moment are; playing on my little hand held solitaire game (I usually restrict doing this to when I have a bath); swimming counting my lengths and watching the time; and crochet.

The repetitive nature of crochet, the counting of stitches and rows can totally consume my thoughts leaving no room at all for any 'ruminaiton'.  For me the greatest advantage of getting into this state of mindfullness is that I can then listen out for God.  Ruminating is so destructive to relationships, including my relationship with God.  Unless my mind shuts up I can't just be and listen for Him.

So the productivity that activity gives to me at the moment is helping me to listen to God, the rewards of that are endless. I am also getting the satisfaction of making lovely things (if you would like to see some of these please take a look at my Mrs Craftypants blog here).

Continuing to add to my list of blessings.

940. The sound of birdsong as the day ends and the church is quiet.

941. Snowdrops under the tree in my garden with the promise of their little white heads.

942. Candlelight.

943. Another two sales on Folksy.

944. A tidy craft cupboard.

945. Getting back to some card making.

946. The excitement of my puppy when I come down in the morning.

947. Watching my home cooking being devoured by my family.

948. Mum popping in for a coffee.

949. A conversation with my neice on the telephone.


       
       
           
           
       

Psalm 84

Psalm 84

How lovely is your dwelling place,
    Lord Almighty!
² My soul yearns, even faints,
    for the courts of the Lord;
my heart and my flesh cry out
    for the living God.
³ Even the sparrow has found a home,
    and the swallow a nest for herself,
    where she may have her young—
a place near your altar,
    Lord Almighty, my King and my God.
⁴ Blessed are those who dwell in your house;
    they are ever praising you.

⁵ Blessed are those whose strength is in you,
    whose hearts are set on pilgrimage.
⁶ As they pass through the Valley of Baka,
    they make it a place of springs;
    the autumn rains also cover it with pools.
⁷ They go from strength to strength,
    till each appears before God in Zion.

⁸ Hear my prayer, Lord God Almighty;
    listen to me, God of Jacob.
⁹ Look on our shield, O God;
    look with favour on your anointed one.

¹⁰ Better is one day in your courts
    than a thousand elsewhere;
I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God
    than dwell in the tents of the wicked.
¹¹ For the Lord God is a sun and shield;
    the Lord bestows favour and honor;
no good thing does he withhold
    from those whose walk is blameless.

¹² Lord Almighty,
    blessed is the one who trusts in you.

I love it when one of the Psalms leaps out with something new that I have never noticed before.  A lovely lady at church a week ago came up to me with this one.  The bit that jumped was verse 6.  It is easy to think that when we are in dark, dry places, we have to wait till we have passed through it before we get to an oasis.  However in verse 6 it says that as 'they' pass through the Valley of Baka they make it a place of springs.  How amazing is that - tis what I am holding onto at the moment, let springs abound around me :o) x.

930. Watching our snowman gently melt over the week.
931. A very clean and fluffy puppy dog.
932. Books to read.
933. Hunger pangs, telling me I'm not eating too much.
934. Trousers becoming looser.
935. Recycling old shirts.
936. Watching my nearly 12 year old daughter play with her Build a bear Bunny, like she did when she was 6.
937. A keen wind whipping my face.
938. Swimming.
939. Getting home from swimming and having that longed for cup of tea.


       
       
           
           
       

Loose Ends.

You may remember the other day in this post I talked about having to finish a crochet project (by the way if you would like to see the finished article then you can see it over on my other blog here) which involved tidying up a lot of loose ends.  Those scraps of loose ends have been sitting in a little pot next to me all week and have proved to be very thought provoking.

Loose ends are something you have finished with but are still hanging around.  Tidying up lifes loose ends is something I would really like to do.  In most cases it is just a mindful thing which is all that is required to tidy them up.  I just need to make the decision to put them away.  In other instances there are loose ends that I need to practically do something about.  Conversations with people that need to take place to put issues to rest.  This will be hard but I am praying that I might actually get the opportunities I need to do this in the near future.

I used some of these ends as the stuffing in some little heart key rings I made.  As I was stuffing them in I was challenged to think about whether I sometimes try and stuff the loose ends of my life into a little case and sew it up.  In principle I don't think there is anything wrong with doing this.  If something is finished with it is not healthy to keep it hanging around.  I suppose it is where you put them that is the  crux of the matter.  I love this picture of one of my hearts being stuffed.  It is now serving as a reminder to give my loose ends to God.  Any other holding place will end up wearing out or coming undone, spilling those loose ends back out.  In HIS heart they are going to be safe forever.  Those loose ends haven't disappeared, but they are safely put away.  They are even being used for another purpose - not being wasted.  That idea makes me smile alot.

Epiphany.

Although Christmas has been very different (quiet) this year, I can honestly say I have absolutely loved having my children around me for the whole of Christmastide.  Too often it seems they finish school too early and you end up doing jobs for the days before Christmas day and then before you know it the New Year has come and they are back.  This year though they do not go back until tomorrow.  As my two get older it takes them longer to start to reconnect with each other after the business of their individual school term lives.  My husband and I looked at each other and rejoiced this week as we heard that connection occurring while they were playing a game together upstairs.

This morning feels like the first one in a very long time that I am alone in the house.  The children are playing in their band at our local Methodist Church and my husband is at work.  On this Epiphany morning how am I spending my time?  Thinking.  I'm munching on my toast, sipping my tea, tapping on my keyboard.  I shall shortly start tying and finishing off all the loose ends in my current crochet project (something for me!).

Tying up loose ends.  How many of these we have in our lives.  Some, it has to be said we cannot tie up ourselves.  But here is a thought, when I look at this crochet project with all it's loose ends, I know it is going to look great when it is finished.  If I then think of all the loose scraggy ends in my life it is very hard to believe that when God looks at me, he already sees that great finished me.  That is what Jesus has done for me, THAT is a miracle.  HAPPY EPIPHANY.

All Change.

So I mentioned in my last post that I had made a big decision.  It is something that has been rumbling away for a few months now.  As my regular readers may know I have a condition called rheumatoid arthritis.  It is a condition that is always just there.  I'm fortunate enough to have great medication which has kept it reasonably stable for about 3 years now.  However, as well as aching joints always just there and preventing me from doing anything too active, the biggest effect it has on me is fatigue.

I will have had this condition for 16 years come this autumn.  It arrived 6 months after I got married (it's our 16th wedding anniversary tomorrow).  I don't very often think about what life was like before hand, that is one thing that can really bring me down.  Suffice it to say, I was very active, I used to run several times a week, go to the gym 3 or 4 times a week, walk and swim, just to name just a few acitivies.  In fact just weeks before I first became unwell my husband and I brought our first ever mountain bikes.

As well as having this condition I have also had 4 years of enormous stress.  This started with my sister suddenly dying, then becoming a kinship carer for her only almost teenage daughter.  After two years of constant anxiety while we tried to care for an extremely damaged child along with our two younger children we had to make the decision to hand her over to local authority care.  Then my father died, then my mother had a mental breakdown and spent 3 months in hospital, then my grandmother died in January this year.

Amazingly my arthritis has not got much worse during this time however the fatigue has.  For the last 4 and a quarter years I have been working my 20 hours a week as a children and youth Pastor for our local parish (2 churches).  I did take some time out to have knee operations 3 years ago and also 6 months unpaid leave to help with my recovery and the changes to home life with my niece living with us.  The parish I work for has been amazingly supportive, through much of the times of great stress (eg, my mum in hospital) work has been my escape.  It is something I felt called to do almost 10 years ago.  It started in a voluntary capacity for the parish where we live and after a short period of working for the local council when I decided to go back into paid employment I was offered the current parish in a neighbouring parish.

It has not been all plain sailing in the post, it has had plenty of challenges, however it has always felt like a Gift from God and I have always tried to treat it as such.  For the last few months however I have been having to come home from work and go to bed for several hours every day as my fatigue has increased.  Whether it is pain that increases and causes the fatigue or the fatigue that makes me more aware of the joint pain I have I don't know, but my joints are presently very very sore.  My breathing has become poor as my fitness levels are falling.

Being away on holiday in Orlando, Florida was great, what was not so great was the fact that I had to use a wheelchair for all the days out that we did because of the pain and fatigue my body has.  God has been speaking to me.  I finished 8 months of counselling last month, during that time I have been learning how to listen to myself without the critical voices that roam around me head interfering.  This has also enabled me to listen more carefully to God.

I am currently on sick leave from work and last week I finally realised it was time to stop working.  I know that if I don't have a go at getting fitter and loosing some weight now as I amble towards my mid forties, it is only going to get harder.  I might manage to loose weight and get fitter and still be in as much pain and suffering the same fatigue, but if I don't try then I will never know.  The way things are heading at the moment I feel I am going to end up spending more and more time using a wheelchair, if there is anything I can do to prevent this I have to give it a go.

So last week I had my resignation accepted, they have very kindly wavered my 3 month leave period due to my current health issues and so I will finish at the end of May.

The only problem I am now left with is how we are going to manage financially.  My work did not pay all that well, but it did pay for all the little extras we have come to enjoy.  The occasional spontaneous meals out, spending money on our holidays, buying extra things for the home, garden and the children without having to save up - all these things and probably a lot more are where my wage was spent.  Giving these up, and learning how to live on our reduced income is going to be a challenge, thankfully I do feel that God is with us.

So it's all change, on the whole I feel quite excited to see where God is going to take us and this new journey.  Hopefully it will include keeping on blogging :o).

Easter Worship

We were in a bit of a quandry about what to do on Easter Sunday morning.  It is such a special time of celebration for Christians, that being on holiday was not a good enough reason to let it pass by.  None of us fancied trying to find a church, I didn't want to be going to a theme park.

In the quiet I felt the prompt of His Holy Spirit to go and see the sunrise over the Atlantic ocean, something that is not possible in the UK.  We had planned to go to the Kennedy Space Centre at some point and as that is by the coast a plan came together.  My dear husband did a search on the map to find a good place to go.  We ended up at Jetty Park and when we arrived we noticed there were lots of people despite the very early hour.  It just so happened that the local church were having an outdoor sunrise service.  The beach was big enough to accommodate everyone with some personal space, the added bonus of worship songs playing was fab.

It has been quite difficult to get into Holy Week, away from home and friends. However being forced to rethink and spend time alone with God has been great.

What I was not expecting while reflecting on the glory of the sunrise I was watching in the photo above,  considering that morning when Mary went to the tomb was the shadow of grief that passed over me.

Grief is a funny old thing.  As time passes you get used to the fact that the world is different when wearing grief glasses, you get used to that being the normal.  However I now seem to going through a new phase of grief shadows.  I don't know how long they are going to keep me, sometimes they are long  and sometimes they are short.  This Easter Sunday it was thankfully short, though the intensity of loss was deep.  So much has changed since last Easter, important people in my life are now missing.

The tears that flowed so freely were so welcome that morning, being on holiday has been stirring lots of memories and emotions but the release of tears had not come.  Praise Jesus for the freedom and release he gave us by his ressurection.

People Pleasing.

I seem to have spent the last 40 years doing my very best to please the people around me.  My counselling has helped me to identify the areas in my life when I do this without realising.  I know why I do it and I can't change that.  However I do know that I can change.  So how do I cope with suffering  the consequences - the fact that I will disappoint people.  When I disappoint others it feels like the end of the world.  It is not as simple as just not liking being wrong - though I have been accused of this many times.  No body 'likes' to be wrong, but some people can cope with it far better than others.  I appear to be  the latter.

In the past this has led me to withdraw and 'protect' myself from the issue or people I feel caused the disappointing 'end of the world' feelings that I get.  So friendships and relationships have ended and working situations have changed.  This in turn has ended up with me being even more convinced that pleasing people is the only thing to do.  However this has a downside as well.  For one thing people pleases are false.  If  I am doing it in order to protect myself from conflict then I have to face the consequences, my natural creative self is going to be very stifled maybe snuffed out completely.

Gah - it feels at the moment like a no win situation.  I want to be the person that God created me to be, I want to be able to explore and make mistakes without the crushing feelings I end up with inside when others don't agree with me.  And most of all I want to stop having to 'protect' myself by running away!

Maybe other people who do not suffer with this 'affliction' could learn a little more sensitivity.  It does not mean that they have to suddenly start agreeing with everything I say.  That would solve nothing.  Language is maybe the key - maybe non people pleasers could instead of statements like," I disagree with you because....." make statements like, "could an alternative be ......."  or "my experience is this, which makes me believe ......"

I don't know if this would definitely solve things, but I would love to think that it might help.

Intolerant of Intolerance.

It's a very strange situation to be in.  I'm not intolerant of all intolerance's of course.  There are things that I am intolerant of (intolerance being just one of them).  There are crimes against people and property - I think I am probably fairly intolerant of those things. Mind you is it just the crimes I am intolerant of though? not the people that commit them?

So what has brought this quandary about today? It is somebody I consider a friend, saying that the Bible says that marriage should only be between a man and a woman and that if Christians do not stand against this 'issue' then we are condemning people to live apart from God.

Was Jesus intolerant of people?  or was he just intolerant of behaviour? is there a difference?

Did Jesus verbalise his intolerance of either behaviour and/or behaviour to others?  The Pharisees come to mind straight away - he certainly said something about their piety.

Is there anywhere in the Bible that tells us that if we do not warn people that they are sinning, then we are denying them access to Heaven and eternal life?  Jesus most certainly did advise the woman at the well that she should do the 'right' thing - is this the blueprint we should use?  If so what is that blueprint?  He certainly was happy to communicate and get to know her (asking for her help in getting water) before he even began to converse with her.  When their conversation deepened he waited for her to tell Him her marital status before discussing it.  So if we are intolerant of certain behaviour/people - should we not be conversing with them and getting along rather than causing them to take offence?

I have no idea if there really is a 'right' answer.  Christians are always going to disagree on issues and Biblical interpretations - they were thousands of years ago so why not now?  However when I begin to feel pressured into condemning a group of people for wanting equality in the eyes of the law, my heals begin to dig in.  What I do know is this:

I do not believe that I have the power to prevent an Almighty God from having His way in the world.  We are warned in the Bible not to be stumbling blocks to those that believe (Mark 9:42).  However a stumbling block is not the same as a no entry sign.  There is far more teaching on watching things that make ourselves stumble than causing others to (Mark 9:43-48).


Sin and death have already be conquered - the very reason we are presently in the season of Lent and soon to be celebrating Easter.

I also believe that satan sits rubbing his hands (if he has any) with glee as he watches Christians causing each other and others offence. John Beveres book The Bait of Satan, taught me an awful lot about the power of 'offensiveness'.

At the end of the day I would rather be refused entry to Heaven for my intolerance of the intolerant than accept the idea that I can enter Heaven without good friends who are going to be denied entry because of their sexual orientation.

Enjoying Today.

                                                             Picture from April 2008

There will be days when I cannot sit and crochet a lovely girly jacket for my daughter but today I can.

There will be days when I cannot sit, listen and discuss 'The scariest thing about puberty' (her question) with my daughter, but today I have.

There will be days when I cannot mow the lawn at the front of our house and do my neighbours while I am at it to give them a surprise, but today I could.

There will be days when I cannot sit blogging while waiting for my children to come in from the hour or so of freedom with friends, but today I am.

There will be days when I cannot watch the washing on the line, but today I can.

There will be days when I cannot watch the slowly ascending sun beams on the house opposite where I am sat, but today I have.

There will be days when I cannot listen to my bread maker whirring away making us pizza dough, but today I am.

"Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die tomorrow." Author Unknown

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.     John10:10

Friends

I went along to my counselling session with plans that it would be my last one for a while.  Going along has enabled me to gain far more insight into the way I react to others around me.  This in turn has given me the wisdom to ascertain whether a problem is my own problem or belongs to someone else.  Having both these tools has been invaluable over the last rocky 14 weeks since my dad died and all that ensued.  The outside benefits are:

• I am far more relaxed at home.
• I consider time out for myself as a need and not a luxury.
• Family relationships are going along new pathways.
• There is more organisation/ order in my home.

It is therefore very easy to sit back and say 'that will do'.  However it seems God has a little more he wants me to deal with yet. Will I ever learn that God never wants me to just make do?  With half term approaching we got onto the topic of friendships.  I confessed that I have really not put very much effort into friendships for the last few years (or more).  There are practical reasons for this, when family life becomes chaotic it is natural for friendships to take a back seat.  However I am starting to realise that mine have been on the backseat for so long, that I have got to the point where I cannot remember and don't really feel I  have the skills to be reintroducing them into my life.

Since being a little girl I have learnt how to distance myself from things that hurt.  That is the coping mechanism that worked for me then and so it has grown up with me.  I am now recognising that I might be loosing out on something because of this distance.  With friendships it has been far easier to write a blog and keep facebook updates letting friends know what is physically going in my life.  However to avoid having to talk about it (because it all hurts so much), I have managed to stay away from the telephone and from meeting up with friends for far too long.

I believe friends are a God given gift, maybe it is the shrinking of my family (through death and other things beyond my control), that is making me realise I need to get back on track with friendships.  At the moment that feels like a really big and scary path to walk.  However I know that if I look at practically how far I have moved on since beginning my counselling in September, it should not be too painful to tackle another area.

So to any friends that are reading this, I am sorry and I will start talking again in real life and I am so grateful for your love, care and patience with me.

Hope

I love this description from wikipedia of what hope is:

Hope is the emotional state, the opposite of which is despair, which promotes the belief in a positive outcome related to events and circumstances in one's life.

We went to see more of the new place that our niece is now staying at this morning.  It is a secure forensic psychiatric unit.  We were introduced to her key nurse, her occupational therapist, the family therapist (who we know from a previous placement) and her in house mental health social worker.


This is the end of the line for our niece, there is nowhere more secure that can keep her safe from harming herself.  It is a national unit and is filled with professionals who are very used to the self destructive behaviour that she is displaying.  Since going there 4 weeks ago, her behaviour has probably worsened a little more, there is certainly no improvement.  However we know now from our experiences of the last 6 months that this is because she is testing boundaries.  So far she has managed to test boundaries to the point where she has been moved on to another placement.  This time there is no where for her to move on to.  

We were asked how we were feeling about her being there.  The only response we could give was hopeful.  I certainly did not feel this while she was at the last placement.  And what else could we answer?  I do not wish to feel despair.


Romans 15:13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

Trusting God to watch over this dear 14 year old is so difficult, however having no hope would be even more difficult.

Two days ago we had my grandma's funeral.  We were inside the crematorium for approximately 2 1/2 minutes.  Hardly time to sit down before we were standing up and leaving.  There were three of us present, my mum, my brother and me - all the 'family' that she had left.  There were no friends, no fond memories expressed, no expressions of legacy that will keep her to mind.  Maybe that is what happens when you loose hope?  You become lost in the world.

Jeremiah 29:11  For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Be Strong - No!!!!!!!!

Be strong is another of those injunctions that I am trying to get over.  I have spent my life being strong and has my mother and look where that has lead her (a mental health unit) - do I want to go the same way?

I have been reminded this morning my that Still Small Voice of Corinthians 12:10

I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and difficulties for Christ's sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong.   (Good News Bible)

Now I wish I could say that I am content with weakness, but my natural earthly desires are to BE STRONG, which means I have to FIGHT weakness, that immediately puts me into a no win situation.  That means I am belittling Christ on the cross.  If I can do it in my strength why did He die for me???

If only it were as easy as repeating Paul's words with my lips to make my heart believe those words.  Living in the world where people do not know or trust God means I am surrounded by those who really do think the only way through hardship is BEING STRONG.

Today I am going to try and accept my weakness, to accept my inability to put things right, to accept that I can not control what other people say to me or put on me.

Maybe I will then feel the STRENGTH of CHRIST RISING.  The STRENGTH of the RISEN KING.  The STRENGTH of the LORD OF LORDS.  The STRENGTH of the one that has DEFEATED DEATH.

Just the tonic.

Now those of you that know me well - I am not talking about the sort of tonic that I like to have with my gin!!  Thank you so much for all your prayers over the last few days.  I have felt your support, it has got me through a very busy few days at work. 

I have ended up in bed this afternoon with a body that is very un-happy.  I have felt a flare of my rhematoid arthritis to be on the way all week and have just tried to ignore it.  It is amazing how with a bit of mind over matter this can actually work for a while.  However everything has it's limit and I am very thankful to God that he shows me mine before I completely crash.

So swallowing my pride I have taken to my bed, I have read a little, I have snoozed a little, I have felt sorry for myself a lot!  In the quietness though that Still Small Voice managed to pierce my wallowing.  I was reminded of a facebook chat that I had with a dear friend this week when I was at a very low ebb.  She had mentioned some youtube videos that she had been watching and found really helpful on her quest for a better self image.  This is a quest that we both share.  The person she mentioned was Joyce Meyer.  One of those names that seems to always ring a bell in Christian circles but I can never quite remember whether I have read any of her books or not.  I now know that I have never listened to her speak.

This lady speaks with such passion and this video especially (though all three parts are excellent) was just the tonic that I needed to hear this afternoon.   I have let my lovely husband metaphorically wash my feet this afternoon, something that I don't always find comfortable to do, however the pain killers are now kicking in.  I might even be able to get up before I go back to bed tonight!  If you have the time to listen to some of this ladies videos then I encourage you to do so.  The advertising gets a little tiresome, but the teaching is worth bearing with it.

Spirtual Attacks.

I have had a really bad today, after a really fabulous evening last night with the volunteers who have come forward to help me with a children's activity day at church which is happening this coming Saturday.

My husband and I have had a really tough week communicating with each other after spending lots of time together working for Jesus last weekend.

As I am watching and participating in an amazing movement of God in our area,  my family (outside of the 4 of us) is falling apart.

I would really value some prayer from those of you who Believe.  I realise that some people might feel very uncomfortable reading this and may not even understand what I am writing.  However I think I may have been keeping quiet on this issue for too long.

So now I am shouting it out - it feels very self indulgent, but I know my Faith needs the support of fellow believers.  Many thanks x x x x x

Gratitude.

I have been working abroad this weekend - doesn't that sound grand!  I was asked to go and do a children's group (with my hubby) for the Armed Forces Christian Union who were having a ladies weekend for military women and wives.  I was asked back in the summer and despite all recent events really felt the need to go and do this.  We were at Church House in Lubbeckke in Germany.  The sleeping accommodation was typical forces, though the building was old and had a very interesting history.  The food on the other hand was amazing, 3 cooked meals a day available, all eaten in a room designed by a naval architect, who had managed to make you feel as though you were in a ship!  Every morsel eaten with silver cutlery and deserts out of silver bowls - what decadence!  It turned out that there were only 5 children registered to come along and when we arrived this had shrunk to 4, a set of 8 year old twins and a 9 year old with a 4 year old sister.  Because of the number it was a very demanding time however meeting lots of lovely Christian ladies and spending good quality time with my husband was great. 

It was hard work to get out of bed this morning to get on with my real life jobs, at work and home, but continue with gratitude I will:

660. Central heating.
661. Sparkling stars on clear nights.
662. Happy children and therefore happy mums.
663. The opportunity to plant (spiritual) seeds.
664. The opportunity to water (spiritual) seedlings.
665. Watching children playing hide and seek.
666. Feeling Gods Spirit moving in and around me.
667. A lift to the airport.
668. Listening ears.
669. Sitting drinking coffee watching the world go by.