A Bit of Reflection

Mirror lakes, near Milford Sound, South Island, New Zealand, taken April 2014 

A thought struck me today (amazing I know!), this time 6 years ago I was living blissfully unaware of the snowball effect of family illness and deaths I was about to have to embrace.  There are times when I am so thankful that I cannot see into the future.

So where was I, 6 years ago.  I was reasonably well, had recently gone back to work (part-time) after a 7 year child rearing break from paid employment.  I was recovering from an unpleasant period of time when our relationship with our previous church had gone sour.  I had started this blog and was spending a lot of time trying to work out who I was and where I fit into life's big scheme.

And where am I now?  I am physically much weaker, I am no longer able to work.  In many ways I feel mentally/emotionally much weaker too.  However I do not see this as a bad thing.  In fact I can look back at that person I was trying to find 6 years ago and feel quite content that I may just have found the person that God made me to be.

This verse from the Bible just about sums it all up, it is written by Paul as he wrote to the Church in Corinth.

2 Corinthians 12:9

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.

Six years ago I was still manoeuvring my way through life with the driver, 'Be Strong' that had been instilled in me from being a child.  What I have learnt is that by saying NO, to this driver, by admitting my weakness, I have been able to accept help that I would have previously refused and definitely not welcomed. That is help from God and help from those around me as well.

I am part of a ladies group within our current church that meets each week to do a bible study.  We have been going through a book and dvd that I found on the internet called, Let It Go, by Karen Ehman.  I do apologise if you now have the Frozen tune going around in your head - it really is nothing to do with that song!  What caught my attention was the first chapter, it is entitled, God Called He'd Like His Job Back.  I could so relate to this!  The problem with my, 'Be Strong', driver was that it doesn't leave any room for God!  All your energy focuses on yourself, and I'm sure this is not only to the detriment of my relationship with God but with those around me to!

Over the last six years I have also seen my marriage become stronger.  This seems to have come about by the letting go a little of strong friendships with others.  Don't get me wrong, friendships are very important to me but it has taken this last six years for me to appreciate that they are definitely second to my relationship with my husband.

I do not have life sorted, I am sure there are still plenty more storms for me to weather in the next six years.  I am very pleased that I do not know what is around the corner and I am very thankful for what I have right here, right now.

Blessings,  Jane x.

Finding Joy on the Journey

A week last Sunday my husband and I had the pleasure of leading our all together service at church.  We could choose anything we liked as the subject!  I had originally intended to rehash something I had done when I was working for the church as a youth and children's pastor.  I never got round to doing it as my father died the night before, it was still used but someone else did it for me.  Then I had been given the title Admiring the View and had to come up with an interactive slot for newly confirmed Christians at our local Cathedral.  It's funny how God works though, as when I looked back on my computer the only thing I could find (I thought I had all sorts of stuff) was a power point which now looked very dated.

Admiring the View had ended up being all about remembering to stop on our Christian/life's journey and look around us and see the good stuff that God is always up to around us.

I set about writing some notes, looking through google at posts about similar topics and eventually I heard God loud and clear and the title had to be Finding Joy on the Journey.

The verse I was drawn to was this one

Philippians 4 4 - 11

⁴ Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: rejoice! ⁵ Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. ⁶ Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ⁷ And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
⁸ Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things. ⁹ Whatever you have learnt or received or heard from me, or seen in me – put it into practise. And the God of peace will be with you.

I felt able to speak about this because it was something I had first hand experience of and just felt God prompting me to tell others about my experience.  The last 5 1/2 years of my life could be described as a journey through grief.  Not only did I lose my younger sister at the age of 36 after a brief  3 week illness,  I then suddenly and unexpectedly lost my dad from a heart attack and then found my mum after she had taken an overdose and had already fallen into a state of unconsciousness, though she didn't die for another 30 hours.

As well as this my health deteriorated after a knee operation left me in a worse state than I had been prior to it.  I had to give up my job.  I became a full time carer of my niece who was 12 when she joined our family and then after two years had to hand over full time care for her to the health service, where she remains to this day, though I still have daily contact with her.

These are just all the surface issues that you could see, there was a whole lot more emotional stuff that was going on.  So life hasn't been easy.  There have been many comments made to me over the years about getting on with the good stuff that has still been left in my life, but somehow this has just made me feel discounted.  However this one bit of scripture from the Bible has been the thing that has shown me how to appreciate and find JOY on this journey.

It is so easy to only focus on negative stuff when it is surrounding you.  I truly believe that one of the things that excites Satan most is when he can see us drowning in a whirlpool of negativity.  

The whatever's in the verses start to point us towards the joy - we just have to choose to go and look for it.  I find also find it helpful to think about what this verse doesn't say:

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is UNTRUE, whatever is IGNOBLE, whatever is WRONG , whatever is DIRTY, whatever is UNLOVED, whatever is UGLY – if anything is negative or not praiseworthy – DON'T think about such things. 

My own experience has led me to praise God for the small joys in life - the first cup of tea in the morning, - the sound of my children getting on, - my dog always so happy to see me.  And when you Praise and rejoice with God - then the peace is there for your taking. 

Choose Joy!  God Bless,  Jane x.
 

Hope for the Hopeless

What do you do when you are told that this might be as good as it gets?  What about all your hopes and dreams?

I am talking about my niece, her mental health has once again deteriorated very quickly, she is harming herself worse than she has ever done during this 6 month admission.  Three weeks ago we were planning her discharge as she was doing so well. 

I have sat in a meeting with all the 'professionals' caring for her for two hours this afternoon.  The general consensus appears to be that this could well be as good as it gets.  REALLY? FOREVER?

My heart is broken enough from all the losses that have driven her to the place where she is, how on earth can I keep it from shattering completely?  It isn't even just an emotional pain that I feel anymore, my heart actually aches so that it catches my breath.

I cannot possibly accept this is as good as it gets surely?  Where is my hope in a God that heals, whose heart is for the broken and the orphaned?  Do I accept what they say and so start to guard my heart from the pain that it is going to have to continue to endure for her?  Or can my God give me the strength to stand firm, to endure the pain and to hope eternally?

I so HOPE it is the later,  shortly after she stopped living with us I did much of the guarding myself from the pain.  I managed it for about 12 months before the cracks in this plan became to deep that the pain started to spill.  I then had to give up work because of the deterioration in my health.  I do not want to go there again.

I guess all I can do at the moment is make this my prayer and have that same HOPE.

2 Chronicles 14:10-12

Good News Translation (GNT)

¹⁰ Asa went out to fight him, and both sides took up their positions at Zephathah Valley near Mareshah. ¹¹ Asa prayed to the Lord his God, “O Lord, you can help a weak army as easily as a powerful one. Help us now, O Lord our God, because we are relying on you, and in your name we have come out to fight against this huge army. Lord, you are our God; no one can hope to defeat you.”¹² The Lord defeated the Ethiopian army when Asa and the Judean army attacked them. They fled,

Psalm 84

Psalm 84

How lovely is your dwelling place,
    Lord Almighty!
² My soul yearns, even faints,
    for the courts of the Lord;
my heart and my flesh cry out
    for the living God.
³ Even the sparrow has found a home,
    and the swallow a nest for herself,
    where she may have her young—
a place near your altar,
    Lord Almighty, my King and my God.
⁴ Blessed are those who dwell in your house;
    they are ever praising you.

⁵ Blessed are those whose strength is in you,
    whose hearts are set on pilgrimage.
⁶ As they pass through the Valley of Baka,
    they make it a place of springs;
    the autumn rains also cover it with pools.
⁷ They go from strength to strength,
    till each appears before God in Zion.

⁸ Hear my prayer, Lord God Almighty;
    listen to me, God of Jacob.
⁹ Look on our shield, O God;
    look with favour on your anointed one.

¹⁰ Better is one day in your courts
    than a thousand elsewhere;
I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God
    than dwell in the tents of the wicked.
¹¹ For the Lord God is a sun and shield;
    the Lord bestows favour and honor;
no good thing does he withhold
    from those whose walk is blameless.

¹² Lord Almighty,
    blessed is the one who trusts in you.

I love it when one of the Psalms leaps out with something new that I have never noticed before.  A lovely lady at church a week ago came up to me with this one.  The bit that jumped was verse 6.  It is easy to think that when we are in dark, dry places, we have to wait till we have passed through it before we get to an oasis.  However in verse 6 it says that as 'they' pass through the Valley of Baka they make it a place of springs.  How amazing is that - tis what I am holding onto at the moment, let springs abound around me :o) x.

930. Watching our snowman gently melt over the week.
931. A very clean and fluffy puppy dog.
932. Books to read.
933. Hunger pangs, telling me I'm not eating too much.
934. Trousers becoming looser.
935. Recycling old shirts.
936. Watching my nearly 12 year old daughter play with her Build a bear Bunny, like she did when she was 6.
937. A keen wind whipping my face.
938. Swimming.
939. Getting home from swimming and having that longed for cup of tea.


       
       
           
           
       

What are you worth?

I am wondering today if maybe I have cut down my anti-depressant medication to soon.  The blues are still chasing me around.  Is it because I feel stripped bare of all the titles that used to give me the sense of achievement of being somebody who mattered?

One of the things that I unexpectedly got out of my recent counselling was the knowledge of how much I have been raised believing that I am only worth the sum total of what I do.  Even sadder to discover was the realisation that no matter what the sum total was, it's worth was only that which was expected, I was never able to exceed expectations.  Having now had a month of rest since finishing work, my 'worth' is once again feeling challenged.

My lack of physical energy has led me to be rather housebound of late.  I have been getting out to go swimming, a little shopping, a little dog walking and taking my children to groups when my husband is not around, but the rest of the time I have been home.  I have been doing bits of reading, crochet and sewing and have managed to do a little cooking.  How hard it is to accept that this is enough.  Even my usual love of social networking has waned, since everybody seems to be off doing stuff and achieving stuff.  I might add, just as I so often have done in the past.

So what can I learn from now - I suppose it might just be time to start accepting that being 'just' me is fine.  Maybe I need to spend time with my creator believing all that He says about me, that there really is NOTHING that can separate me from His love.

Maybe these are two bible verses that I can hold on to this week:

Matthew 10:29-31 (NIV)

Are not two sparrows sold for a penny?  Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care.  And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered.  So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.

Romans 8:38-39 (NIV)

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Continuing to count my blessings this Monday.

810. Peachy sun-kissed clouds in the evenings.

811. The joy of watching the tennis at Wimbledon on the TV.

812. Having other people praise the achievements of your children.

813. Purple pink flowers poking high so that I can see them through my window from my comfy seat.

814. Honesty even when it hurts.

815. The three stones in my engagement ring which remind me that He is always in the middle of our relationship.

816. Memories of a red dress.

817. Being encouraged to say 'no' when I needed to.

818. The simpleness of each day.

819. The blanket which keeps my toes warm on these very cold summer days!

False Memory Syndrome

Did you know that it is possible to truly believe that something has happened to you when in fact it hasn't?  That you might have flashbacks and nightmares that are your mind has created because of other trauma that has occurred?

I have been doing lots of reading about this recently as I am currently having to deal with allegations being made against people I know and love.  Unfortunately it seems that the only way of ever getting to the bottom of false memories is by getting all parties to talk about it to find where the distortions of memory may have occurred.  For my situation this is not possible as there are no mentally reliable people left to talk.

Most of the reading I have done seems to centre on sexual abuse by parents or grandparents, the majority of stories and research also centre around poor therapy where abuse may have been inadvertently suggested.

However there is a smaller body of evidence that seems to show that it is possible that people are able to start to recount false memories or flashbacks in order to avoid looking at real trauma.  This is not done on purpose but is a coping mechanism of a damaged person.

I am now tasked with finding a way of living with the information that I have been given.  Reading this article has helped.  This encourages the focus to remain on the person who may be having false memories and remembering that they are occurring for a reason, even if it is not the reason they might believe it to be.  What I am surprised by however is the lack of conversation that has occurred with any professionals that we are involved in to discuss False Memory Syndrome at all.  I have stumbled across it (and the fact that there is a British society of it!) because of deep gnawing feeling and some pretty reliable evidence that suggests these allegations are not true.  I had presumed that they were just lies - but now I can see that there is far more to it than that.

I do not know whether there will ever be a conclusion to the situation that I am in, I have been told not to expect one.  It has made me turn whole heartily to my faith in God, it is a burden far to big to be able to bear alone.

Matthew 11:28  (NIV)

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."

Amen to that! 

Intolerant of Intolerance.

It's a very strange situation to be in.  I'm not intolerant of all intolerance's of course.  There are things that I am intolerant of (intolerance being just one of them).  There are crimes against people and property - I think I am probably fairly intolerant of those things. Mind you is it just the crimes I am intolerant of though? not the people that commit them?

So what has brought this quandary about today? It is somebody I consider a friend, saying that the Bible says that marriage should only be between a man and a woman and that if Christians do not stand against this 'issue' then we are condemning people to live apart from God.

Was Jesus intolerant of people?  or was he just intolerant of behaviour? is there a difference?

Did Jesus verbalise his intolerance of either behaviour and/or behaviour to others?  The Pharisees come to mind straight away - he certainly said something about their piety.

Is there anywhere in the Bible that tells us that if we do not warn people that they are sinning, then we are denying them access to Heaven and eternal life?  Jesus most certainly did advise the woman at the well that she should do the 'right' thing - is this the blueprint we should use?  If so what is that blueprint?  He certainly was happy to communicate and get to know her (asking for her help in getting water) before he even began to converse with her.  When their conversation deepened he waited for her to tell Him her marital status before discussing it.  So if we are intolerant of certain behaviour/people - should we not be conversing with them and getting along rather than causing them to take offence?

I have no idea if there really is a 'right' answer.  Christians are always going to disagree on issues and Biblical interpretations - they were thousands of years ago so why not now?  However when I begin to feel pressured into condemning a group of people for wanting equality in the eyes of the law, my heals begin to dig in.  What I do know is this:

I do not believe that I have the power to prevent an Almighty God from having His way in the world.  We are warned in the Bible not to be stumbling blocks to those that believe (Mark 9:42).  However a stumbling block is not the same as a no entry sign.  There is far more teaching on watching things that make ourselves stumble than causing others to (Mark 9:43-48).


Sin and death have already be conquered - the very reason we are presently in the season of Lent and soon to be celebrating Easter.

I also believe that satan sits rubbing his hands (if he has any) with glee as he watches Christians causing each other and others offence. John Beveres book The Bait of Satan, taught me an awful lot about the power of 'offensiveness'.

At the end of the day I would rather be refused entry to Heaven for my intolerance of the intolerant than accept the idea that I can enter Heaven without good friends who are going to be denied entry because of their sexual orientation.

Enjoying Today.

                                                             Picture from April 2008

There will be days when I cannot sit and crochet a lovely girly jacket for my daughter but today I can.

There will be days when I cannot sit, listen and discuss 'The scariest thing about puberty' (her question) with my daughter, but today I have.

There will be days when I cannot mow the lawn at the front of our house and do my neighbours while I am at it to give them a surprise, but today I could.

There will be days when I cannot sit blogging while waiting for my children to come in from the hour or so of freedom with friends, but today I am.

There will be days when I cannot watch the washing on the line, but today I can.

There will be days when I cannot watch the slowly ascending sun beams on the house opposite where I am sat, but today I have.

There will be days when I cannot listen to my bread maker whirring away making us pizza dough, but today I am.

"Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die tomorrow." Author Unknown

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.     John10:10

Standing Firm

               Photo taken by my 10 year old daughter in Barcelona 2 weeks ago.

The turmoil still rages around me and my family this week.  Dad's sudden death 4 weeks ago tomorrow seems to have been pushed away in my thoughts as meetings have taken place this week both for my niece and for my mum.

My niece is now under a court order to be retained in a secure unit for adolescents.  It's an unusual step for the authorities to take but as she is not classed as having a mental illness (she is just very damaged by her upbringing) it is the only way they can keep her safe.  Outside of being secure she is very likely to continue running away from any residence she is placed in and self harming to the extent that she needs hospital treatment.  My husband and I are now the only people that she has contact with and she is using the power that gives her.  This week we travelled over 2 hours to go and see her and whilst she allowed us to be in one meeting, the more important one she chose to not have us present.  This hurts, though I realise we were the only people not being paid to be at the meeting and the only people she could really exclude.  I am now praying over the next steps to take, she hasn't called us since that meeting whereas she had been calling every night up until then for a couple of weeks.

My mum is still in the throws of her nervous breakdown, she is hallucinating and very very paranoid.  It is very difficult to cope with visiting her, seeing her being really nasty to the staff trying to help her.  She has been in hospital for almost a week now and it is going to take some time for the medication to start working for her.  

But there has been moments of light as well.  My wonderful husband took myself and a great friend to a music concert the other night.  This was made even more special my the artist (Thomas Dolby) coming into the small independent restaurant that we were eating in to eat himself before the show.  And yes husband did have to go and have a few words :o).  I have had contact from some lovely friends and extended family that I haven't been in touch with for a very very long time.  Knowing so many people at church as well as my friends and family are praying is really helping.

One conversation I had with my Fairy Godmother (also known as my Christian mum as she has nursed and nourished me with scripture since I first became a Christian) told me to look at 2 Chronicles 20 during our conversation.  Particularly these verses:

¹⁵ He said: “Listen, King Jehoshaphat and all who live in Judah and Jerusalem! This is what the LORD says to you: ‘Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God’s. ¹⁶ Tomorrow march down against them. They will be climbing up by the Pass of Ziz, and you will find them at the end of the gorge in the Desert of Jeruel. ¹⁷ You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the LORD will give you, Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow, and the LORD will be with you.’”

It is an amazing thing that I have been looking at promises in the bible for a craft project and a work activity day that I am preparing for.  This has taken me into the theology of looking at the promises made in the Bible for ALL people and those that were given to specific people.  However it made me realise through the conversation I had which brought up these verses that God still wants us to listen and learn from the promises that he has made to other people.

So these words that were given to King Jehosphapat are remaining my comfort this week.  They are keeping me going, standing firm.  It is so very reassuring that by doing nothing other than my ordinary stuff I may just see the deliverance of the Lord as Jehosphapat did.  I can only pray that I don't continue to fall like he did as well!

10 Life lessons learnt this week.

1. Suddenly being widowed at the age of 65 when you left home and married at 18 can be the last straw in keeping your sanity.
2. If you do not know a little of how the NHS and more specifically the mental health services work accessing their services is far too complicated.
3. You cannot always trust your neighbours.
4. It doesn't matter how many friends you have, the ones that catch you when you are falling are worth more than gold.
5. In the midst of chaos you can choose to put your spouse and children first and make them very happy.
6. Reflecting on the book of Job in the Bible is a good way to keep slogging on when the going is tough.
7. Dogs emotions are soon affected by the people around them, but are quickly stabilized if you have loved them well from the beginning.
8. If the occasional waft of cigarette smoke is able to make you want one, immerse yourself in the company of a heavy smoker and you will soon loose your craving.
9. 10 year old girls can show love for their 12 year old brothers no matter how much they bug each other.
10. You have to work hard at having no regrets.

Being Still

I have been dipping in and out of an amazing little book the last few weeks

I was given it many years ago when I was a new Christian and to be honest never really 'got' it.  However in the last few years I have dipped into it and found it a really good aid to prayer and for encouraging me to get into my Bible more.

It is split into daily readings which are dated and I generally will look around the date that it is to find something to catch my eye.  The day before yesterday the reading I looked at was all about Being Still.  It was a reflection on what happens in life when storms are raging (rather pertinent for me at the mo!).  It reflected on the way Jesus taught, when in a storm his words to the storm were Be Still, there were no instructions given to the disciples (just a little expressed exasperation!).  However when Jesus had much teaching to impart, he takes his disciples (and sometimes thousands of others) to hill sides, to beaches, quiet places.

I find this so reassuring.  I know that the stormy experiences I am going through at the moment are going to change me some what.  It is lovely though to remember that I do not need to try and work out what those things are while the storms are raging.  All I need to do is Trust Him and let him tell those storms to Be Still.

Psalm37

It has been yet another difficult week, it seems that just when we think things can't get worse they do.  My niece for whom we kinship care has now been admitted to a high dependency unit at an adolescent mental health unit.  The feelings of failure continue to dog me even though I know that we have done all that we have been capable of in the circumstances.  A couple of days ago I talked with the staff and we have our first big multi-disciplinary meeting next Wednesday to discuss ways forward for us and her.  We really are not sure whether we are going to be able to meet her needs by having her back with us.  Knowing that this meeting is now set has unnerved me again after starting to accept this fact.

After yet another 3 hour sleep this afternoon before my other two children came in from school I was feeling quite despondent and sorry for myself and posted this tweet:

"flossyadam is sick and tired of feeling mopey and sleepy, need some motivational thoughts to get me going again!"

Within moments this tweet came up from Compassion UK, not directed to me personally but golly it has made me sit up:

"For the LORD loves justice; he will not forsake his saints. Psalm 37:28"

The reason it made me sit up was because for a couple of weeks a small group of people from church have been praying for us. They had a picture which they shared first for my husband and then with me last Sunday, the picture was of a pair of scales, not the sort that tell you your weight (I see that picture every time I pass a mirror) but scales of justice.  That is what we want in the situation we are in justice for all of us, our children, my niece and ourselves.  It is going to be a long journey and I know there will be no quick fixes but I will keep my eyes fixed on God and call for his justice to reign supremely in our lives.

I thought I would just share the rest of the Psalm with you as it is just so utterly brilliant!

Psalm 37 - Of David.

1 Do not fret because of those who are evil

or be envious of those who do wrong;

2 for like the grass they will soon wither,

like green plants they will soon die away.

3 Trust in the LORD and do good;

dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.

4 Take delight in the LORD,

and he will give you the desires of your heart.

5 Commit your way to the LORD;

trust in him and he will do this:

6 He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn,

your vindication like the noonday sun.

7 Be still before the LORD

and wait patiently for him;

do not fret when people succeed in their ways,

when they carry out their wicked schemes.

8 Refrain from anger and turn from wrath;

do not fret—it leads only to evil.

9 For those who are evil will be destroyed,

but those who hope in the LORD will inherit the land.

10 A little while, and the wicked will be no more;

though you look for them, they will not be found.

11 But the meek will inherit the land

and enjoy peace and prosperity.

12 The wicked plot against the righteous

and gnash their teeth at them;

13 but the Lord laughs at the wicked,

for he knows their day is coming.

14 The wicked draw the sword

and bend the bow

to bring down the poor and needy,

to slay those whose ways are upright.

15 But their swords will pierce their own hearts,

and their bows will be broken.

16 Better the little that the righteous have

than the wealth of many wicked;

17 for the power of the wicked will be broken,

but the LORD upholds the righteous.

18 The blameless spend their days under the LORD’s care,

and their inheritance will endure forever.

19 In times of disaster they will not wither;

in days of famine they will enjoy plenty.

20 But the wicked will perish:

Though the LORD’s enemies are like the flowers of the field,

they will be consumed, they will go up in smoke.

21 The wicked borrow and do not repay,

but the righteous give generously;

22 those the LORD blesses will inherit the land,

but those he curses will be destroyed.

23 The LORD makes firm the steps

of the one who delights in him;

24 though he may stumble, he will not fall,

for the LORD upholds him with his hand.

25 I was young and now I am old,

yet I have never seen the righteous forsaken

or their children begging bread.

26 They are always generous and lend freely;

their children will be a blessing.[b]

27 Turn from evil and do good;

then you will dwell in the land forever.

28 For the LORD loves the just

and will not forsake his faithful ones.

Wrongdoers will be completely destroyed;

the offspring of the wicked will perish.

29 The righteous will inherit the land

and dwell in it forever.

30 The mouths of the righteous utter wisdom,

and their tongues speak what is just.

31 The law of their God is in their hearts;

their feet do not slip.

32 The wicked lie in wait for the righteous,

intent on putting them to death;

33 but the LORD will not leave them in the power of the wicked

or let them be condemned when brought to trial.

34 Hope in the LORD

and keep his way.

when the wicked are destroyed, you will see it.

35 I have seen a wicked and ruthless man

flourishing like a luxuriant native tree,

36 but he soon passed away and was no more;

though I looked for him, he could not be found.

37 Consider the blameless, observe the upright;

a future awaits those who seek peace.[d]

38 But all sinners will be destroyed;

there will be no future[e] for the wicked.

39 The salvation of the righteous comes from the LORD;

he is their stronghold in time of trouble.

40 The LORD helps them and delivers them;

he delivers them from the wicked and saves them,

because they take refuge in him.

How did the father of the Prodigal Son let him go?

The story of the Prodigal son has been on my mind a lot.  It seems on so many levels to resonate with the situation that we are in at the moment.    I googled the question in the title this morning, as I ponder what the next few weeks has in store for us with our niece.  I found this sermon.  I thought it a jolly good sermon and can agree with most of what is said.  It still leaves me feeling though HOW did he do it?  Did he have family conferences and try and persuade him to stay?  Did he warn him of the potential pitfalls that he might be heading for?  Did he get friends and family to try and persuade him that he really was not making the wisest choice? or did he just let him go?

What are your thoughts?

When you disagree with fellow Christians.

I have got myself involved with a debate on facebook posted by a friend whom I have known for many many years though have only recently become reacquainted  after approx 8yrs.  His post was asking people to agree with him that the 'equality' bill, which is currently being formulated, was the worst thing ever to happen to a Christian Society, based on this story by the BBC (a story which I have said I think is appallingly written sensationalism).  There have been many comments (over 60), the debate has gone off on tangents of which I have been apart.  What I have learnt from this experience is that Facebook is not the best place to have a debate, once one starts it can be very difficult to remove yourself from it.  I have found it very difficult to not take offense at comments such as 'have you even read this ....part of the bible', however I have tried very hard to stay loving towards all involved in the debate.  


I suppose my real bug bear on the whole debate is the feeling that some Christians appear to believe that they have the right to go around quoting the bible to point out peoples sins.  Without context I can not relate to this at all.  If I am asked my opinion on whether something is a 'sin' according to the Bible, I will use my Bible knowledge to try and answer them clearly.  However if I meet someone, or discover that someone I am  know is committing a 'sin' as the bible might interpret it, is it for me to go about asking them if they believe in God and the Bible and whether or not they know/realise that they are sinning?  Am I, as I feel some are suggesting, condemning them to Hell for not doing precisely this, withholding (I don't think I actually hold them!) the keys to the Kingdom by what I am not saying?


I often reflect of the miracle of my dramatic conversion which I blogged about a couple of years ago here.

Maybe it is because of knowing a life without God that I can have such compassion on those around me without continually feeling the need to point out their sins.  There has been one exception to this and I am still trying to let God deal with that, his ways are however gentle with me.

I hope and pray that I am not causing any person I meet to stumble in their relationship or veer away from God in any way.  And if I am then I am truly sorry and will repent before my God!

When God Answers Prayers

I had a pretty rough ride last weekend.  Looking back now I know that it was because I did not like the answer to a prayer that God gave me - very clearly.

My niece (for whom my husband and I kinship care) had some contact with her father just before Christmas.  This was the first contact she had had from him for over 6 months.  During this time he has moved from Lincoln in the UK to Calgary in Canada.  He sent her a letter saying that he wanted to get a better relationship with her.  There followed from that letter and a small gift several days of lots of emails flying between them and then they stopped. She sent him several emails saying that she wanted to know when she could go and live with him and he never responded.

There was then no contact again, she went to her therapy session last Friday and came out saying that her therapist wanted to meet her dad.  This has been brought up before but she has never asked her dad to come (now that he is in Canada it seems even more unlikely that he would).  I tried to explain gently that I was not sure that he would do that, which brought on a torrent of anger towards me from her as to why was I so horrible about him.  Unfortunately I saw red and said it was because I thought he was a *insert rude word*.  That was not supposed to happen but it did.  I then tried to explain how hurt I had been by him for what I saw him do to her mum and how I see him treating her now.  I dropped her back to school and spent the rest of the day all churned up wondering what was going to happen next.

As it happens, there was no terrible backlash (as I had expected).  That evening my husband and I sat down with her and he asked her what had happened.  I then apologised for using rude language about her dad.  My husband did his best to try and explain that we have always tried to not speak much about her dad so as not to prejudice her opinion of him.  If she wanted to know more details of how we have come to have the opinion that we have we were happy to talk to her about them but if she didn't want to then we would continue to try and keep our mouths shut.  There were lots of tears, another step in her grief journey was shown (anger at her mum) and a desire to have her past completely wiped away.  It was very hard, my wise husband then gently prayed with us for her and for her father as well as for us all.

Saturday morning a parcel arrived from Canada.  The letter inside was very nice, showing lots of interest in wanting to know particular things about her life and showing that he had looked at her facebook page.  There was a small gift and a book that he had enjoyed that he thought she might like.  It did not answer any of her questions about wanting to live with him.  THIS IS NOT THE ANSWER I WANTED TO OUR PRAYERS.

I wanted him to just disappear.  Not for any malicious reasons (or not many anyway!) but because I can't bear seeing her hopes continually raised and then dashed.  However she wants a relationship with him and we have absolutely no right to do anything to stop that from happening.  It is hard, very, very hard.  My kinship care support worker is divorced with now grown up children.  She said it sounded very much like an acrimonious divorce situation.  She explained how hard she had to work to make sure she didn't 'diss' her husband in front of her children so that they could make their own relationships with him.  The difference for us is we were never married to her father and we don't know the full details of all that has happened between him leaving the family when she was just 3 years old and my sister dying.

He feels like an enemy (even though I know he doesn't want to look after his daughter, so we don't need to fear him taking her).  I know that God wants us to love our enemies.  I know that God wants us when asked by an enemy for our cloak, to not stop him from taking our tunic also (Luke 6, 27-31).  This is just such hard stuff to do when your emotions tell you otherwise.

Instead of dwelling on this I have decided to find a good side to this story.  My niece has a very delicate faith, she is of the age where she is just starting to step out onto the tightrope which is adolescence.  She does not think she is worthy of being listened to by God.  Her face when my husband said to her on Saturday after receiving her new parcel, "What did we pray for last night?" was such a wonderful picture.  Then when she realised that the parcel had been sent before we had even said the prayer, showing just how much God knows us and what we need, before we know ourselves WOW! (Mathew 6,8).

With my mind set back to God this week is progressing well, long may it continue!

Renewing a Stained T-shirt.

I was really cross with myself the other week.  I put on a cream t-shirt and then went outside to do some gardening.  I know, I know, I didn't even notice the stain until I was doing my ironing after washing it.  I was not happy, there was no way it was going to come out.

You can see the mark in the centre at the bottom.  I was especially annoyed because it is a fairly new fairtrade t-shirt from Marks and Spencers.  So I put my thinking cap on and now have a much nicer t-shirt.

In fact I prefer my t-shirt now to when it was plain - hooray!

The fabric I used was from an old pair of linen trousers which had worn out.  I used bamboo buttons that used to be on my duvet cover until the holes started to grow and I had to replace the buttons.  I used 2 strands of embroidery silk for the central designs and one strand for the edge stitching.  I pinched the heart design from rhonda jean at Down to Earth, she has a free downloadable pattern for an embroidery I am still in the process of! Before doing the embroidery I ironed onto the squares some bondaweb, then embroidered, then ironed the squares onto the t-shirt before finishing with the buttons and edge stitching.  All in all it has taken me a couple of hours which I have done while playing scrabble on facebook!  How smug am I now feeling!  It has been quite good biblical teaching to me as well, as it does tell us in the bible:

Revelation 21: 1-5
And I saw a new heaven and a new earth; for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away and the sea was no more ... I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Behold the dwelling of God is with men ... He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall mourning nor crying, nor pain any more, for the former things have passed away... And he who sat upon the throne said, "Behold, I make all things new."

'Church' up a tree and other blessings!

We did a first today - instead of going to our regular (hard to call it that really when we rarely go) Church we decided to do 'Church' up a tree in the New Forest this morning.

We simply strolled along until we came to a place where there were fallen trees that we could sit on and then my husband got out his Bible and sat down all together.  Looking for something tree related we read John 15 where Jesus describes God as being the vine and us the branches.  You can just see on the far right a holly tree, this was the perfect example to explain these verses more clearly for the children especially as it had berries growing on it.  There was an air of quiet as we looked at all the dead wood around the tree........

It also gave us the opportunity to talk about 'grafting' as in Romans 9, especially in relation to our eldest being grafted into our family.

The kids were really relaxed, it took very little to keep them focused, we said the Lords prayer together and then continued to enjoy our walk and scrambling in the trees.

There was space for us all.

Pippin was able to join in to!

Time for conversation un-interrupted.

....and best of all for me, when we walked back towards the car the pub was open and ready to start serving food, so the youngest two got to play while they waited.  Whilst the oldest firstly got mistaken for working there, which she really liked and then got to go chat to some ladies with their ponies in the car park.

Great walk, great time with God, great food to finish, nothing could have made this more perfect.

continued to count my blessings with the community created by Ann Voskamp

178.  That first cup of tea in the morning, especially when it can be drank in the garden.
179.  Being able to give the kids the 'treat' of staying up 'late'.
180.  A garden that continues to grow and bloom despite my recent weeks of neglect.
181.  The wise wisdom of my spiritual director.
182.  Meetings completed without making me feel to blue.
183.  Volunteers willing to work with me and take risks, outside of their comfort zones.
184.  30 children already signed up to attend my holiday club.
185.  Fun and laughter in the woods with the kids as we make a 'film' for holiday club.
186.  Indulging in some embroidery which (except for cross stitch) I haven't done for around 20 years.
187.  A settled week for my parents.
188.  Letter arriving that I have requested to use in an appeal.
189.  Discovering what my puppy dog needs to stop her waking up at 5.30am in the morning!

Attachment Disorder

My bedside reading for the last few weeks has kept me very busy, hence the lack of blogging.  I have been on a steep learning curve about attachment disorder - a category given to children who have experienced trauma and/or neglect (purposeful or not) in their early years by their parent figures.  The result of this is an inability to form healthy attachments to others and a whole host of other psychological difficulties which result from them feeling the need to control their whole environment.

My neice for whom we are full time kinship carers has recently been put into this cateogory by her psychologist.  She was initially referred because of her challenging behaviour especially at school which was being put down to her grief at losing her mum and all the changes she has had to go through.

It's a very painful realisation for me, I am having to face the fact that my mum and dad and my sister were not able to prevent this from happening and because of circumstances were unable to provide her with the structure that would have prevented the harm that probably stems from her dad leaving her and her mum before she was 3.

We are being supported by professionals in this, though it is not a common problem to find in children of her age (13 years), therefore they are learning as we are.  It was suggested that we got a copy of Edward Hughes' book Building the Bonds of Attachment and though it was very expensive I am so pleased that we did.  It is written in a very unique way following a fictional case study through  therapy sessions and family life.  After initially feeling quite dispondant on finishing it, as it made me feel very inadequate and not able to do what I felt I was being required to, I am now starting to be able to put some of the tips into practise!

This in no way means that things are getting better, actually they are getting worse, in many ways we are having to treat a 13 year old like a 3 year old in emotional matters.  The resultant rebellion to new boundaries is difficult to handle, but handle it we will.  I am so very thankful for my faith, without it I don't think I could dare to have any hope for this little girl.  The majority of children with untreated attachment disorders go on to develop a whole host of personality disorders as adults.  But FAITH I have, and FAITH I will hang on to, I do beleive that in Him ALL things are possible and if I can be a tool to help this young one then so be it!

Walking in Love.

Yesterday was our 14th Wedding Anniversary.  We had a lovely day reflecting on our wedding day and particularly on the words that were spoken to us by our vicar during the service.
  
¹ Follow God's example, therefore, as dearly loved children ² and walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.  Ephesians 5, 1-2 TNIV.

We went for a walk along the beach.  It was an unusual spot - it's still used as a firing range on occassion!  There were so beautiful plants to see:

The way varied, some was stoney - very difficult for me to walk on, some was grassy - much easier for me.  There were some big stone hills which my husband was able to climb but which I needed to found a way around.  Rather like our life really though it is incredible to be reminded that we are not required to walk this life by ourselves.

In fact if we are in a relationship with Jesus then we we are charged with 'walking in the way of Love' a love that can only be gained allowing him to walk with us.  I am absolutely certain that when we do this we will get to see more and more of the beauty that is on the path around us.

Being Esther.

"The Banquet of Esther and Ahasuerus" by Jan Victors, c1640.

Little did I know last week when I was studying the book of Esther how useful this teaching was going to immediately be to me this week!

While on our family holiday at Spring Harvest in Minehead, Somerset the evening bible teaching was all focused on the book of Esther.  Now I had read Esther before, but I have to confess if someone had said to me what had Esther done in the Bible, I would not have immediately been able to tell the story.  The teaching took place over 5 evenings with a different speaker each night, we were blessed with brilliant speakers!  The Bible reading was done in dramatic style by a theatre company who used some very unusual puppets using paper mache masks held with one hand while the other arm belonged to the character.  I was absolutely entranced by it.  The story went in, I also found that I spent a lot of time during the day reading and mediatating on the story to - it all felt like brand new food made especially to meet by spirits needs.  In fact I enjoyed it so much that I did not go to any other teaching seminars - that would have just spoilt such fine food!

I love the whole concept of standing up for what you beleive is right, for trusting those who are close to God and need to use you and your position to carry out His will.  I love the humility of Mordecai  who gives up his beloved child whom he has raised and allows her to go into this most risky position not knowing for certain that she will be made Queen.  

This week my 13 year old neice for whom we are full time Kinship carers told us she wanted to go and live with her dad.  She told us he had said in the past that she could, even though he has never said this to any other members of the family.  I have known since my sister died 18 months ago that she has harbored this desire to live with him even though she has spent no more than a couple of hours with him in the last 10 years. This is the first time she has said it outloud to us, it might have been precipitated by having just been told off for something quite serious, or by the nasty e-mail we received from here which we made her aware of at the beginning of the Easter holidays (accusing us of trying to cut her off from him amongst other untrue stuff).  However, I immediately felt the 'right' thing to do would be to call him immediately and ask him if it was at all likely that he would consider having her.  I got the telephone, no answer at home, so tried his mobile, he answered, my neice stayed with me while I told him what she had said and asked him the question.  After listening to him garble on about nothing I passed the phone to her to speak to him.  He obviously asked her why and her response was 'because you are my dad'.  He had nothing else to say to her except to acknowledge to her that he could here she was upset, I asked for the phone back and requested that before we went into it in any more details, we could really do with knowing whether it was feasable at all (knowing full well that it was most likely not).  I asked for a response by the end of this week.

As soon as I got off the phone and finished chatting with my neice, the doubts started to creep in - what if he calls our bluff and says 'yes' he wants her to go and live with him!  We so did not want this, I know my sister did not want it and my parents most definately did not want it.  How though could I try and teach my neice to be open and honest if I was not going to be open and honest to those I love most.  In the past we have just commiserated with her that her dad has shown no interest, however this time it felt like it needed to come straight from him.

Well here we are on Friday lunch time, I have not had the requested telephone call, I did however receive an email the day before yesterday from him (I had specifically asked him not to email us) - it outlines 11 reasons why he should not have her, without at any time saying - 'no' it is not feasible.  My husband and I decided that we should tell her this information, as you can imagine it caused a lot of tears.  We have decided to just sit and wait to see if the phone call happens at all, she did not want to call him after we talked with her.  Once again we shall be picking up peices for the next few weeks I imagine.

So it was worth taking the Esther stance, saying what we believed was the right thing not knowing whether the consequences would go the way we hoped at all.  Boy trusting God can be hard work sometimes,  but I'm determined to keep trusting and keep learning!

Esther 8:4 (NIV version)

Then the king extended the gold scepter to Esther and she arose and stood before him.