Thursday, 1 August 2013

In the Whirlpool.

I have started back with my counsellor.  It was a wonderful God-incidence to discover that she had a client finishing just as I called, in a slot I could take.  The relief of being able to see the same lady was immense, I'm not sure I could have started again with someone else, with all that has gone on.  Being remembered and not having to go back over the past has made returning much easier.

Having said that it is not an easy business facing up to things.  We were discussing the whirlpool of grief today.  Trying to actually name some of the feelings that are swirling around in my mind at the moment. I have had a revelation - I am totally illiterate at reading my own feelings.

Growing up feelings were either ignored or worse, discounted.  I have always wondered why when in emotional moments my gut instinct is to run away and hide.  There have been times when I have actually done this.  I remember during a turbulent relationship in my late teens, finding myself on the M1 driving to Leeds in my car.  I even got as far as deciding I would find a hotel room, before realising that I was a young woman on my own and had a safe bed to go to if I really wanted it.

So how is my illerateness (I'm sure that is not a word) affecting me now?  It means I can't tell those closest to me how I feel, because I don't even know myself.  I know I feel pants (awful) but I can rarely put my finger on why.  This means those around me have no idea what to do or say.  It also means that I just build walls with no doors and retreat (runaway) into myself.  And I can tell you that is not a very nice place to be.

What has shook me most is realising that I am going to end up passing on something to my children that I really do not want to - maybe they will start thinking they have done something to make me feel bad.  Maybe they will just think that I am forever grumpy.  Even worse than this maybe I will not be able to teach them how to identify their own emotions/feelings enabling them to handle things that they are going to have to face as they grow up.

So I have a choice, to learn to identify and vocalise my emotions or to stay as I am.  It really is a no brainer, however I know it is not going to be an easy journey.