Grief

I was shown a poem a couple of months after my sister died that I really did not like, my memory of it might be skewed but I often think about it. It was describing grief as being like a faithful dog following you around.

I have to say that this is so far from my experience I cannot relate to it at all. My grief hangs around like a nasty smell. It's stench is sometimes strong, sometimes weak. It appears at times when I do not always expect it. I don't like it - I would do anything to get rid of it. It does not remind me of nice things about my sister. It reminds me of dead things, her cold yellowing body in the hospital. It reminds me that I will never get to say goodbye, I will never get to hold her and hug her. I will never get to chat on the phone to her. I will watch her daughter grow up and do stuff that she will never be able to show to her mum.

My grief reminds me that others have lost my sister as well, it makes my heart ache for my mum and dad and her daughter. I remember writing a post in the early days of this blog about how I couldn't believe that God wanted us to feel grief. I still cannot believe that when he created us, he 'gave' us the ability to have grief. I can believe that he gave us the emotions to feel that suddenly combine and create 'grief'. But we were made to live in harmony with all creation, if the fall had not happened would the creatures that God made have died? Big questions to have in your mind on a Wednesday morning.

I had better try and pull myself back together now and get on with the morning chores - my two little ones are finishing school for the summer at lunch time - much to their releif - the big one got to finish yesterday 'It's not fair'.