Loving Yourself.

I was challenged yesterday with the "question do you love yourself?"  When I found it hard to answer I was asked "Are there any times you can think of when you have loved yourself?".  I was completely stumped.

Being the cautious person I am I did not immediately jump in with what immediately came into my head (that is to answer categorically no).  However when I started to contemplate the second question all I could think of were things about be that I love - products of me - gifts and abilities that I have.  Does that mean that if I did not have these abilities then I would not love anything about me?

I have spent some time 'googling' around this subject and looking through my bible to discover that there is very little about loving yourself.  The Bible tells us  that as we were made in the image of God (Genesis 1:27).  We are also told that God is love (1John 4:8), so does that mean we were made to be love as well?

The only Bible verse that seems to say anything about loving ourselves is where a verse from Leviticus (19:14) is reiterated through the New Testament which says we must love our neighbour as ourselves.  So is the presumption I take from this, the presumption that we were made/created to love ourselves?

Certainly if I consider back to when my children were born, they had no shame, and even when able to express themselves gave no indication that they did not think that they were special and loved and therefore lovable of themselves.  How sad then that when I speak with my 10 year old daughter now, she can real off lots and lots of things that she does like about herself - does this mean that she already does not love herself?

The only other Bible verses that are coming into my head are the ones about how much God loves me, there is Luke 12:7

"Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows."

and from Psalm 139:13

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb."

For now I think I am just going to hold onto these promises to me from God of how much he loves me and hope and pray that I might just grow to discover either that I do love myself  or at least know that I can.

Looking Backwards and Forwards.

There is nothing like counting your blessings, especially when you start to feel as though nothing good happens.  It has been great spending the Christmas break thinking of all the things that I have learnt or done over the last 12 months.  I know I usually count my blessings by counting the everyday things that happen in life, however today I feel that I need to consider some of the bigger things to.

680.  Learning how to crochet.
681.  Taking a solo trip to meet a new friend in Boston, USA.
682.  Having a fabulous family holiday with the four of us.
683.  Finally getting all the rooms in the house decorated and made by us.
684.  Learning how to say no to significant people.
685.  Learning how to put my children and husband first.
686.  Keeping my job going through very rough times.
687.  Learning how to say yes when help is offered.
688.  Finding new books and resources that have helped me stay close to God.
689.  Sticking with a craft project for months and months (and still continuing) knowing that it will be so worth it in the end.

Chatting with a friend the other day, also made me realise that I am starting 2012 in a very different place to where I started 2011.  It has certainly been a year of challenges but also a year of growth.  I can look forward to 2012 with great anticipation of what new things I will learn, and what skills I might develop.

I have no idea at the moment what shape the next 12 months will take on, but I do know that
"I can do all things through Him who strengthen me"  Philippians 4:13.

Helping people with a chronic illness.

I have just read this blog and think it puts so eloquently what I would like to say about having a chronic illness that I am not even going to try and use my own words.  The post is all about how people can care for others with a chronic illness.  Fortunately my rheumatoid arthritis has not giving me too much hassle pain wise this last year.  However it is still there, I am still taking lots of very toxic drugs, I still have to be very very careful about how much I do as exhaustion comes very quickly.  This means that apart from my walking stick that I use my illness is quite invisible on the whole.  If you are interested in knowing how you can help people with a chronic illness then do look at Amy Danielle's blog post here. It is a really helpful read.

Be Strong - No!!!!!!!!

Be strong is another of those injunctions that I am trying to get over.  I have spent my life being strong and has my mother and look where that has lead her (a mental health unit) - do I want to go the same way?

I have been reminded this morning my that Still Small Voice of Corinthians 12:10

I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and difficulties for Christ's sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong.   (Good News Bible)

Now I wish I could say that I am content with weakness, but my natural earthly desires are to BE STRONG, which means I have to FIGHT weakness, that immediately puts me into a no win situation.  That means I am belittling Christ on the cross.  If I can do it in my strength why did He die for me???

If only it were as easy as repeating Paul's words with my lips to make my heart believe those words.  Living in the world where people do not know or trust God means I am surrounded by those who really do think the only way through hardship is BEING STRONG.

Today I am going to try and accept my weakness, to accept my inability to put things right, to accept that I can not control what other people say to me or put on me.

Maybe I will then feel the STRENGTH of CHRIST RISING.  The STRENGTH of the RISEN KING.  The STRENGTH of the LORD OF LORDS.  The STRENGTH of the one that has DEFEATED DEATH.

Injunctions.

I have been learning lots of new language in the last few months.  Mainly as the result of going to see a counsellor for the first time.  The one that keep coming back again and again through each session is injunctions.  Now I know the definitions of this word and I am sure that I have used it on occasions, however not in the context of feelings and emotions.

Many of the injunctions that we hear as we are growing up are very regularly used by lots of parents and are well needed - 'Don't do that' can stop a child sticking their fingers in a plug socket.  These are injunctions that we all learn from.  However I have discovered the biggest injunction (an authoritative warning or order) that I ever received that has really restricted my personal growth was 'STOP SHOWING OFF'.  I am sure that I am not the only child that had this said to them.  My problem is that it was said to me all the time, in front of all sorts of people.  Until I have started to really think about what this injunction means, it was just one of those phrases that if I ever heard it made me shrink inside.  So what does 'stop showing off' mean to me:

Don't do that you are embarrassing me.
Stop expressing yourself that way.
That is no way to behave.
No-one is going to like you behaving like that.

All these can be summed up in three words to me - stop being you.  You see, I am naturally extrovert, I don't mind being the centre of attention.  In fact I often thrive on it.  How sad that it has taken me 43 years to get to the point that I can accept this part of me.  I have probably ended up craving far more external validation that is actually healthy just because of this in juncture being so repeatedly handed out as I was trying to find out who I was for myself.

It is a very hard phrase to get rid of, there have been a few occasions when I have even found myself saying or about to say it to my children.  I feel so very grateful to the dear friend who once quietly pointed out to me that I had said it as an adult (in front of my mother to my children).  She did it with such grace knowing how deeply wounded I have always felt by the words.  And I am absolutely positive I have never even considered using it again since.  I have just tried Googling the phrase only to find it filled with really negative expressions.  If people didn't 'show off' how would we get to enjoy the art that other people are able to express by showing it off?  All writers would keep their books in their heads, all artists their pictures, all actors their skills of expression - what a dull and lacking world we would live in. 

So I have decided if you have an urge to 'show off' then do it!

Seasonal Blessings.

Somehow Monday seemed to come around too quickly, however with all the good stuff God has been showering on me I could not bear to let the week begin (even if it is on a Tuesday) without writing down some blessings.

670. Cosy bed, cosy duvet, cosy pillows, twisted and pummelled to be in just the right place for my aching body.
671. A book coming through the letterbox.
672. A thank you note that melted my heart.
673. The beginning of Advent, a time to stop, watch and wait.
674. Complete peace over unconsumerising Christmas this year.
675. The bread maker quietly working away in the kitchen.
676. Blustery winds trying to take the many remaining leaves from the trees.
677. My window cleaner asking after my mum.
678. The many children I am getting to speak to about Advent and God's promises.
679. Writing advent cards to our many God-children.

Happy Advent Season to you all x x x x x

Just the tonic.

Now those of you that know me well - I am not talking about the sort of tonic that I like to have with my gin!!  Thank you so much for all your prayers over the last few days.  I have felt your support, it has got me through a very busy few days at work. 

I have ended up in bed this afternoon with a body that is very un-happy.  I have felt a flare of my rhematoid arthritis to be on the way all week and have just tried to ignore it.  It is amazing how with a bit of mind over matter this can actually work for a while.  However everything has it's limit and I am very thankful to God that he shows me mine before I completely crash.

So swallowing my pride I have taken to my bed, I have read a little, I have snoozed a little, I have felt sorry for myself a lot!  In the quietness though that Still Small Voice managed to pierce my wallowing.  I was reminded of a facebook chat that I had with a dear friend this week when I was at a very low ebb.  She had mentioned some youtube videos that she had been watching and found really helpful on her quest for a better self image.  This is a quest that we both share.  The person she mentioned was Joyce Meyer.  One of those names that seems to always ring a bell in Christian circles but I can never quite remember whether I have read any of her books or not.  I now know that I have never listened to her speak.

This lady speaks with such passion and this video especially (though all three parts are excellent) was just the tonic that I needed to hear this afternoon.   I have let my lovely husband metaphorically wash my feet this afternoon, something that I don't always find comfortable to do, however the pain killers are now kicking in.  I might even be able to get up before I go back to bed tonight!  If you have the time to listen to some of this ladies videos then I encourage you to do so.  The advertising gets a little tiresome, but the teaching is worth bearing with it.