It Sucks Being a Grown-up

Do you ever have those moments when you want to be able to throw a tantrum and have everyone just leave you alone, or maybe someone just gently distract you with something nice to help you get over it?

That is how I was feeling last week as I put pen to paper to write to my niece - I really didn't want to do it. However taking a big reality check, I knew that if I didn't apologise for getting so angry towards her then I was not really acting like the adult I would like her to grow up to be.

That got me thinking.   As adults/parents we take on the role of teaching the younger generation by how we act/behave, whether we are aware of it or not.  This means we are modelling our good AND our bad behaviour.

If I had made no attempt to get back in touch with my niece, what would have happened.  I may have had one person less making demands on my time and emotions, however it would have been at a cost.  That cost being, not taking the opportunity to model how to 'make up' when things go wrong.

Could I have lived with myself knowing that not only had I been a part in breaking our relationship, but that I had also denied showing her how to make amends in tough situations as well?

Well I'm pleased to say that it has worked okay - so far.  We are communicating again, I am withdrawing a little from the hands on 'caring' stuff.  I shall be visiting less, not looking after her money or doing her shopping, hopefully this means I will not get so worn out.  Sadly it seems her behaviour has gone back to square one again and there is no longer any talk about her being discharged by the time she is 18, instead a transfer to adult in patient services seems likely after she turns 18.  This makes me very sad, but at least I know that I am not going to feel responsible for any failure an earlier discharge may have caused.

Back to the subject of apologies and owning up to mistakes, this whole debacle has made me much more aware of how important it is with my children (and others around me) to make sure I speak up.  If we keep quiet about the mistakes we make how are our children going to ever learn that making mistakes happens.  What has to be the most important thing is that we try and model to them how to deal with mistakes - even if it sucks!

I continue to count my blessings:

980. Communication restored.

981.  Prayers whispered with friends.

982.  Puppy dog keeping my legs warm as she sleeps.

983.  Piles of fabric.

984.  Sorting out advent calenders.

985.  Counting swimming lengths.

986.  No piles of leaves in the back garden.

987.  Chilly evenings.

988.  Browsing books in the library while girls shop.

989.  Making Christmas puddings.

Many Blessings to you xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

A Book Review

My mum passed on a book to me last week, warning me that I might find it a tough subject as it dealt with a damaged young girl in the foster care system.  To be honest I was very surprised that she had been able to read it.  The book in question is Crying For Help by Casey Watson.  I read the whole book in a day.  I am not sure this is testament to a great story or just the fact that I had been bed bound for much of last week.

I would not normally look at books in this genre, mostly because anything that is strictly fictional I would probably end up trying to find faults with.  However this book is based on real experiences that the author has had in her other life as a foster carer for seriously damaged children.

The lack of information coming forward from social services, difficulty with children and adolescent mental health services was all too familiar to the scenario that we went through when we were kinship caring for my niece.  The behaviour of the child in question 'Sophia' was so similar in many many ways to our experience, as was the roller coaster ride of not knowing what could possibly happen next as we lurched from crisis to crisis.

There was one point in the story where I became quite angry with the presumptions the foster carer was making about the child's family.  She had no father, her mother was in a persistent vegetative state and she had lived with her uncle for a while until him and his wife became first time parents of a newborn.  The situation of not being able to really KNOW what had happened to the child in the past because of the state of the mother and lack of social services intervention was very similar to the situation we found ourselves in.  The not knowing for sure whether stories are true, based on truth, or imagined/made up is very difficult.  In the author's case she seemed to believe the stories Sophia told her and judged the family quite severely.  I so felt for the uncle, as the story unfolds it becomes apparent that if a professional struggles with Sophia's problems, how was a first time kinship carer supposed to manage them.   I can just imagine how difficult the decision to hand her over to social services must have been.  This book has confirmed that which I already knew - there will be people who come into contact with my niece who will be judging me in the same way.  That is hard to live with.  Though there is nothing I can do about it so there is really no point dwelling on it.

The book is a great story and it did keep me gripped, however I did not really feel that the writing gave it justice - or maybe that is just me getting my own back having felt judged!  The jury is still out on whether I would read another of her books, I certainly would not rush to get another.

Today I am also continuing to count my blessings with Ann Voskamp:

820.  Better drugs giving me pain relief from my back problem.

821.  Unexpected cards in the post from caring friends.

822.  The delivery of some on-line shopping which has helped me be a little less bored in my bed bound state.

823.  Blue sky!

824. Happy daughter as she finished her primary school years.

825. Reading through a years worth of books and papers from her last year at school.

826. Books to read.

827. A husband that has to put up with far too much.

828. A little pumpkin starting to grow in my veg patch.

829. White roses and Gypsophila growing in my garden reminding me of my wedding flowers.

False Memory Syndrome

Did you know that it is possible to truly believe that something has happened to you when in fact it hasn't?  That you might have flashbacks and nightmares that are your mind has created because of other trauma that has occurred?

I have been doing lots of reading about this recently as I am currently having to deal with allegations being made against people I know and love.  Unfortunately it seems that the only way of ever getting to the bottom of false memories is by getting all parties to talk about it to find where the distortions of memory may have occurred.  For my situation this is not possible as there are no mentally reliable people left to talk.

Most of the reading I have done seems to centre on sexual abuse by parents or grandparents, the majority of stories and research also centre around poor therapy where abuse may have been inadvertently suggested.

However there is a smaller body of evidence that seems to show that it is possible that people are able to start to recount false memories or flashbacks in order to avoid looking at real trauma.  This is not done on purpose but is a coping mechanism of a damaged person.

I am now tasked with finding a way of living with the information that I have been given.  Reading this article has helped.  This encourages the focus to remain on the person who may be having false memories and remembering that they are occurring for a reason, even if it is not the reason they might believe it to be.  What I am surprised by however is the lack of conversation that has occurred with any professionals that we are involved in to discuss False Memory Syndrome at all.  I have stumbled across it (and the fact that there is a British society of it!) because of deep gnawing feeling and some pretty reliable evidence that suggests these allegations are not true.  I had presumed that they were just lies - but now I can see that there is far more to it than that.

I do not know whether there will ever be a conclusion to the situation that I am in, I have been told not to expect one.  It has made me turn whole heartily to my faith in God, it is a burden far to big to be able to bear alone.

Matthew 11:28  (NIV)

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."

Amen to that! 

Hope

I love this description from wikipedia of what hope is:

Hope is the emotional state, the opposite of which is despair, which promotes the belief in a positive outcome related to events and circumstances in one's life.

We went to see more of the new place that our niece is now staying at this morning.  It is a secure forensic psychiatric unit.  We were introduced to her key nurse, her occupational therapist, the family therapist (who we know from a previous placement) and her in house mental health social worker.


This is the end of the line for our niece, there is nowhere more secure that can keep her safe from harming herself.  It is a national unit and is filled with professionals who are very used to the self destructive behaviour that she is displaying.  Since going there 4 weeks ago, her behaviour has probably worsened a little more, there is certainly no improvement.  However we know now from our experiences of the last 6 months that this is because she is testing boundaries.  So far she has managed to test boundaries to the point where she has been moved on to another placement.  This time there is no where for her to move on to.  

We were asked how we were feeling about her being there.  The only response we could give was hopeful.  I certainly did not feel this while she was at the last placement.  And what else could we answer?  I do not wish to feel despair.


Romans 15:13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

Trusting God to watch over this dear 14 year old is so difficult, however having no hope would be even more difficult.

Two days ago we had my grandma's funeral.  We were inside the crematorium for approximately 2 1/2 minutes.  Hardly time to sit down before we were standing up and leaving.  There were three of us present, my mum, my brother and me - all the 'family' that she had left.  There were no friends, no fond memories expressed, no expressions of legacy that will keep her to mind.  Maybe that is what happens when you loose hope?  You become lost in the world.

Jeremiah 29:11  For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Standing Firm

               Photo taken by my 10 year old daughter in Barcelona 2 weeks ago.

The turmoil still rages around me and my family this week.  Dad's sudden death 4 weeks ago tomorrow seems to have been pushed away in my thoughts as meetings have taken place this week both for my niece and for my mum.

My niece is now under a court order to be retained in a secure unit for adolescents.  It's an unusual step for the authorities to take but as she is not classed as having a mental illness (she is just very damaged by her upbringing) it is the only way they can keep her safe.  Outside of being secure she is very likely to continue running away from any residence she is placed in and self harming to the extent that she needs hospital treatment.  My husband and I are now the only people that she has contact with and she is using the power that gives her.  This week we travelled over 2 hours to go and see her and whilst she allowed us to be in one meeting, the more important one she chose to not have us present.  This hurts, though I realise we were the only people not being paid to be at the meeting and the only people she could really exclude.  I am now praying over the next steps to take, she hasn't called us since that meeting whereas she had been calling every night up until then for a couple of weeks.

My mum is still in the throws of her nervous breakdown, she is hallucinating and very very paranoid.  It is very difficult to cope with visiting her, seeing her being really nasty to the staff trying to help her.  She has been in hospital for almost a week now and it is going to take some time for the medication to start working for her.  

But there has been moments of light as well.  My wonderful husband took myself and a great friend to a music concert the other night.  This was made even more special my the artist (Thomas Dolby) coming into the small independent restaurant that we were eating in to eat himself before the show.  And yes husband did have to go and have a few words :o).  I have had contact from some lovely friends and extended family that I haven't been in touch with for a very very long time.  Knowing so many people at church as well as my friends and family are praying is really helping.

One conversation I had with my Fairy Godmother (also known as my Christian mum as she has nursed and nourished me with scripture since I first became a Christian) told me to look at 2 Chronicles 20 during our conversation.  Particularly these verses:

¹⁵ He said: “Listen, King Jehoshaphat and all who live in Judah and Jerusalem! This is what the LORD says to you: ‘Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God’s. ¹⁶ Tomorrow march down against them. They will be climbing up by the Pass of Ziz, and you will find them at the end of the gorge in the Desert of Jeruel. ¹⁷ You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the LORD will give you, Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow, and the LORD will be with you.’”

It is an amazing thing that I have been looking at promises in the bible for a craft project and a work activity day that I am preparing for.  This has taken me into the theology of looking at the promises made in the Bible for ALL people and those that were given to specific people.  However it made me realise through the conversation I had which brought up these verses that God still wants us to listen and learn from the promises that he has made to other people.

So these words that were given to King Jehosphapat are remaining my comfort this week.  They are keeping me going, standing firm.  It is so very reassuring that by doing nothing other than my ordinary stuff I may just see the deliverance of the Lord as Jehosphapat did.  I can only pray that I don't continue to fall like he did as well!

Letting go of ideals.

After all the ups and downs of the last few weeks my Niece A has been readmitted to a secure psychiatric adolescent unit.  Not before she ended up in police custody for a couple of days.  She didn't commit a crime but would not return to the childrens home where she had been placed.  At one point social services were talking about putting her into a secure unit (the sort of place they can put under 16's who keep absconding or are waiting for court hearings).  They could do that for 72 hours before having to apply to court to keep her longer.  5pm on a Friday evening is not the best time to be told you need to get a solicitor involved before a court hearing at 11.30 on a Monday morning.  At least that has now all been avoided.

So what is my part in all this.  My natural instinct was to get straight in the car and go to the police station where she was.  At least once she was deemed to not be able to make clear judgements by herself social services could tell me where she was.  However I did manage to phone the station first, they asked her if she would see me and she said no.

As my parents still have a residence order for her I felt it only proper to let them know what has been going on.  My mum as I assumed might happen has not taken it well.

Once again I am left trying to work out what my role is.  I can't imagine I am ever going to be able to pretend she doesn't exist, that would feel like a complete betrayel to my sister (A's deceased mothers).  Though I also know that I cannot continue tying myself in knots fighting her corner when she does not want me to.  All the authorities involved with her seem to have made such a hash of things, it makes me want to shout and complain to the managers, my MP and anyone else who will listen.  What would that achieve for A though?  The chances are that even if things had been done 'properly' she still might be in the situation she is in now.

Then of course I hear the 'good citizen' voice inside my head saying that if I step in, it might make a difference to the way other people are treated.  At a time when my general health is not great, my mental health is not great and my own two children and husband need me, I think the answer to whether I step in or not is no.  I am quite sure that my mind is going to sway backwards and forwards with all this, at the moment though that 'peace that passes all understanding'(Phillipians 4:7) has descended.  I still feel quite subdued but peaceful and long may that last.

Why the picture of the cemetry?  My hubby and I went a walk for him to show it to me yesterday as it is just on the edge of Southampton City Centre, it is a fascinating place that you can read a little about here .  It has such an over grown and gothic look to it and is sooo huge.  We spent a good while taking pictures, reading the odd grave stone and just marvelling at how nature is trying to reclaim the land.  It made me realise something.  I don't like modern cemetries, but certainly over  100 years ago (and 100's more) when this cemetry was being used used, it had a purpose to reunite the bodies of families.  I love this idea!  Somehow it brings a real comforting feeling.  However in our present time it has become apparant that graves are not a sustainable way of disposing of bodies.  We just no longer have the space in our little country.  Therefore it was a reminder to me that sometimes we just have to let go of our ideals.  Find other ways to function.  Have you had to let go of any ideals?

Fighting Disappointment

What happens when you don't get the answer you were praying you would?  Inevitable disappointment?  Unfortunately that is how I am feeling today.  I wrote in my last post of how much I was hoping my niece was going to get funding to go to a specialist unit to get the help she needs.  I discovered yesterday that she has not got it.

What is more it sounds as though there is going to be a great rush now to place her in a 'normal' social services children's home to save the NHS the money that is keeping her in a private mental health unit at present.  Even though she is back in the high dependency unit.

One of the worst parts of all this, is that I am left standing with the questions - what should I do?  and what can I do?  We have no parental responsibility for her, that has been handed over to social services by her father.

We will try and arrange a meeting with her social worker next week and would really appreciate prayers as we struggle through these next weeks.  I realise the struggle is mostly my internal one, but it is real and I cannot just let go of a child that I have cared for as my own for the last two years.

Dangerous Words.

Have you ever had something said to you or misunderstood what is being said to you which has then caused you damage?

A few weeks ago when we were going through a rather bad patch in our kinship caring journey.  You can read more about that here or if you want to know more about what kinship caring is and how I qualify to discuss it by clicking on the kinship caring label on the right hand side of this blog.  This bad patch rustled all the children's services into action (again) appearing to offer us all sorts of help.  However we are not poorly informed and did have a fairly good idea that there were not really any options open to us that we felt we could use.

It was during a these discussion with a mental health professional when I was told that my nieces ONLY hope was for us to continue to battle through her difficulties with her.  The only other option was for her to go into care (which is why we took her in, in the first place - no change there then).

At the time I felt I was only being told what my husband and I already knew.  However what I didn't realise was just how HEAVY that word was and how debilitating it was for me to try and carry it.  It was not until some amazing pastoral workers recognised this and prayed through this with me that I realised just how heavy a burden had been placed on me.  I actually felt the weight lift off my shoulders.  I was suddenly thinking, why am I sitting so slouched, it was of course because the weight was physically pushing me down and I could not feel this until it was taken away. 

The truth of the matter is that, yes we are probably her BEST hope in this physical world to nurture and try and help her grow into an adult.  However we have FAITH and we know that HE is her ONLY hope - no human can take that on.  It surprises me that though these children's services professionals know very well that we have a strong Christian faith, but not once have they in any way checked with us that we are being spiritually supported.  When I trained to be an occupational therapist, it was already widely accepted that our well-being is dependant on our emotional, physical and spiritual health and yet not once has our spiritual needs been checked.  Thank God for the good spiritual people who have been happy to journey with us and their wise counsel and no wonder so many child placements fall down when unacceptable burdens are (hopefully unknowingly) placed on them.

Life remains turbulent here, and we are finding new ways to try and cope with this, taking every hour as it comes is a good place to start. 

Conspiracy Theories

My eldest for whom we kinship care, has been in and out of sorts today.  She has had an inset day from school so was with me without my other two, that does not happen very often.  There have been times when she has been really really helpful, making my lunch, letting me instruct her as she made a spaghetti bolognaise for tea and  making a lasagna.  She has spent some time playing music and just chilling watching tv in the same room where I have been crafting.  The dog also got bathed my her when I mentioned that I was going to have to do that.  Then there have been the moments when she has looked totally miserable.   I finally mustered up the courage to have a quiet moment with her to see if I could find out what was going on.

She had come to me saying she wasn't feeling well, I gave her a cuddle and asked whether it was her body or mind that was not feeling good.  Both was the reply.  I stayed quiet for a moment, "I have been having bad dreams.", "What about?"  I responded.  "That mummy is in hell", thump, it was like taking a blow to my gut.  It turns out she has been thinking that her mummy took an overdose and that we have been covering it up because we don't want her to know that.  If she had taken an overdose in her eyes, that meant her mummy had gone to hell.

What awful thoughts to have.  I wonder how long that has been stewing around in her heart and brain.  A conversation about her wanting to go on anti-depressants followed.  That was very tough too, it is harder still because she knows that I am on them and her Grandma too.  I don't know if I said the right things.  I told her that anti-depressants did not work for everyone and that there were always risks that it could make you worse.  I also pointed out that it appears that she only had occasional bad days now, far out weighed by good ones. 

She had no desire to go to her band practise this evening, wanting instead to just go to bed straight after tea and wake up feeling better int the morning.  When I queried this is was because that is how she sees me dealing with my 'bad' days.  We did manage a little giggle that it was only because when you get to my age it is often not practical to go out with your friends to 'play' to distract you when you were feeling low, plus our play is always so much more expensive than hers! I assured her that if I could, I would far rather go and be with friends to get cheered up (now I am questioning whether that is actually true).

We had our tea and by the time it was over she had stepped out of the puddle of despair that she had fallen into and was back to her 'normal' bouncy self again.  There was no more said about bed, instruments were brought downstairs without me asking her to get them.  So off with her new siblings she went to band.  Boy am I praying hard now that she has an enjoyable time there.  Another day in the life of a kinship carer.

Self-harm

I found this flow chart of the Serenity Prayer posted on Father Simon's Blog .  Having had a lovely lie in this morning trying to finish a great novel that I have been reading for a few weeks.  I got up after the children had all left for school to find my dear husband in a bad mood.  One of the things that was bothering him was the fact that our two girls had assured him last night that they had both cleared their 'floordrobes'.  This morning he had discovered that they hadn't.  On further investigation of the state of their rooms he found a pair of scissors in our Eldest's bed.  She has been known to self-harm in the past before and around the time she came to us 18 months ago.  We have been able to talk about it in the past, she has recently asked me about getting stuff to try and make her scars less obvious.  My husband then tells me that she seems to be continually asking if we are going swimming at the weekends and saying she doesn't want to (not something we do at all regularly).

So - do I add these things up, scissors in bed + talk of not wanting to go swimming + talking about self-harm = self-harming again?

I have spent the last two hours wrangling with this, how am I going to approach it?  I was completely convicted at the youthwork summit a few weeks ago when a speaker for a self-harm charity showed us some videos.  I realise that my attitude to it in the past of being purely an attention seeking, doing it because others are doing it, has not been at all helpful.  Having this attitude made me deal with it in a very strict 'do it and you can't do that' sort of way.  If she is self-harming again can I really do what all the charities advise me to do - just listen and support her to find distractions?

Then I looked at this flow-chart.  My thoughts have been all about what can I do,  I have not stopped once ask God to intervene.  If I am to receive the serenity of knowing I can not resolve this issue for her then I must trust God to do it - so maybe I have finally found the WISDOM I needed this morning.  Thanks be to God! (and to Father Simon for posting that prayer!).

Attachment Disorder - an update.

I can't believe it was June when I first wrote about coming to terms with and learning about attachment disorders in my blog.  Three months on there have been good times and bad.  I thought it might be useful to write down all the boundaries that we put in place and where we are up to with them now.

1. Not leaving to walk to school until 25 minutes before school starts (it's a good 20 minutes walk away).
2. Being home 25 minutes after school has finished.
3. Not watching any programmes on television made for viewing after 8pm.
4. Suspending her facebook account.
5. Not being allowed to stay in the house either by herself or with the younger two, for any amount of time.
6. Not being allowed to spend any time in her bedroom except for when with friends or doing music practise (which we can hear downstairs!).
7. Not attending any afterschool clubs because of the time curfew.
8. Only attending existing evening clubs where we know the leaders and take and fetch her.
9. No having her computer (which has no internet access anyway) upstairs to watch DVD's on.
10. No taking the dog for a walk by herself.
11. No walking to or from friends houses by herself.
12. No access to her mobile phone.

I am sure there may have been some other things!  What a huge list!  The more difficult ones, were the ones where she was no longer able to do things her 10 year old cousin was still allowed to do.

The good news is we have not had any major attention seeking behaviour (which was escalating before the new rules) since we started.  There have been times of really pushing the boundaries, when she has conveniently forgotten that certain things are out of bounds but has persistantly kept asking to do them and stropping when not allowed.


Now I am not putting the improvements all down to us and our boundaries!  It is also very interesting to note that we (or her) have had no contact with her father during this time.  The school summer holidays were hard work, we relaxed some of the rules, we allowed her to start walking the dog and she was allowed to play out on our street with neighbours children without being supervised.


One aspect that seemed to go down with less fuss than anything else was the not being able to spend time in her room alone.  There  have been very few times when we have had to remind her about this one and the self-harming behaviour has not been happening at all.  We had also done a huge clearout of her belongings with her permission.  She has actually expressed how much more she likes her room now it has not much in it - no reminders -  are her words.  I'm not exactly sure what the reminders were but she seems happy not to have them around her.


Now that the new school term has started more relaxing of rules is also taking place,  we have removed the ban on watching TV programmes made for after 8pm viewing, though are watching the progammes she does watch with her.  She has already stayed behind at school on one occassion for a one off activity and we are considering allowing her to start a new weekly afterschool club.  She has been allowed to stay home alone for short periods of time, though always without any prior notice from us.  She has asked for her mobile phone back, which we have given her though it has to live in the kitchen in a stand unless she is going out with it (it has remained in the kitchen in the stand for the last two weeks!)  Just this evening she has asked when she can go back to her facebook account, we have agreed to consider giving it back to her at 1/2 term (end of October) dependent on how she copes up until then.


Her therapy sessions have lessened to approximately once a month and I now always go in with her.  Her therapist can see a big change in eye contact, tone of voice and body language.  I find the sessions very hard going, especially when I have been feeling quite low anyway, I am being given the strength to persevere though.  She seems to be quite enthusiastic about having a positive start to being in Year 9 at school and has been getting on with homework with minimum fuss.


We have turned a corner, there are plenty more to come, as with everybody we do not know what tomorrow will bring, and to be honest I'm quite relieved by that most of the time!

Attachment Disorder

My bedside reading for the last few weeks has kept me very busy, hence the lack of blogging.  I have been on a steep learning curve about attachment disorder - a category given to children who have experienced trauma and/or neglect (purposeful or not) in their early years by their parent figures.  The result of this is an inability to form healthy attachments to others and a whole host of other psychological difficulties which result from them feeling the need to control their whole environment.

My neice for whom we are full time kinship carers has recently been put into this cateogory by her psychologist.  She was initially referred because of her challenging behaviour especially at school which was being put down to her grief at losing her mum and all the changes she has had to go through.

It's a very painful realisation for me, I am having to face the fact that my mum and dad and my sister were not able to prevent this from happening and because of circumstances were unable to provide her with the structure that would have prevented the harm that probably stems from her dad leaving her and her mum before she was 3.

We are being supported by professionals in this, though it is not a common problem to find in children of her age (13 years), therefore they are learning as we are.  It was suggested that we got a copy of Edward Hughes' book Building the Bonds of Attachment and though it was very expensive I am so pleased that we did.  It is written in a very unique way following a fictional case study through  therapy sessions and family life.  After initially feeling quite dispondant on finishing it, as it made me feel very inadequate and not able to do what I felt I was being required to, I am now starting to be able to put some of the tips into practise!

This in no way means that things are getting better, actually they are getting worse, in many ways we are having to treat a 13 year old like a 3 year old in emotional matters.  The resultant rebellion to new boundaries is difficult to handle, but handle it we will.  I am so very thankful for my faith, without it I don't think I could dare to have any hope for this little girl.  The majority of children with untreated attachment disorders go on to develop a whole host of personality disorders as adults.  But FAITH I have, and FAITH I will hang on to, I do beleive that in Him ALL things are possible and if I can be a tool to help this young one then so be it!