Memories

Memories are funny creatures I think. Sometimes you might feel that you can control them and then suddenly they will pop out from nowhere and startle you.

Today there is a lot of media attention on the sudden death of Michael Jackson. I probably haven't thought of this talented if not tortured man very much in the last 10 years. However I was only talking about him this time last week when we were at the O2 arena in London. There were adverts up all over the place about his upcoming 50 date tour. This had prompted a conversation between my husband and myself about whether we felt he would ever be able to complete all 50 dates.

So where is the link between memories and Michael Jackson. Well it was a trip to see this remarkable man at the Milton Keynes Bowl in the late 1980's that proved to be the beginning of a relationship that ended with much pain. It was a time before I became a Christian when I was searching for my place in the world. So the memories I am having today are not great ones, I feel very sad at the thought of that relationship and I also feel very sad that this talented man never appeared to find a place in this world and just hope he has found his place now.

Uncluttered and Free

Now there was one huge advantage that I took while I was single - I had the time and the energy to concentrate on what I was doing with my studies! I loved my occupational therapy course, I was discovering new stuff everyday, I was being given new opportunities. One of these was to go to Ghent in Belgium for 4 months at the beginning of my second year. There was just a handful of us that went on an exchange. The first 4 weeks were spent learning Flemish (a mixture of french/dutch and german!) and familiarising ourselves with local customs, ie. beer and frites met mayo.

This was my first excursion in life as a Christian without any Christian friends around me - now that was a bit daunting. I took myself off to the local Anglican church which had a bar in the hall - now that was new! It was very traditional but the folks were nice, one older lady in particular took me home for a meal and out one weekend to see her 'country retreat'. She also lent me a portable TV. After the first couple of weeks with lots of socialising with the others and spending far too much money, and drinking far to much, a tv gave me a good excuse to stay home by myself. I also made friends with one of the Belgium Occupational Therapy (OT) students who lived in the same building as me, we got on well and I went home with her one weekend, and got to experience some lovely family life and a Flemish Catholic service. I did get lonely and home sick but never regretted going. My parents came out to see me for a weekend as well, which was the first time ever that we had spent time together just the three of us.

After 'mastering' some language basics we went into the OT college for a couple of weeks, before being sent out on a work placement. I was very fortunate to get a placement literally 5 minutes walk from my flat with children who had speech and communication problems along with learning difficulties. The amazing thing about this was that their language was at about the same level as my Flemish (or even less!) so communicating with them was fine - it was a little more of a challenge with my supervisors (though they spoke brilliant English).

My desire to be with children which I had had from as young as I can remember was totally rekindled. I had already started to get involved with the children's work at my church in West London and when I returned my involvement increased.

I also returned with a new found confidence and independence, I think I was moving in my spiritual walk towards teenagedom! Thankfully my teenage spirtual walk was far easier and painfree than my original teenage years.

A Single Adult

I was never really single from being about 12 years old. This new start in my life in my early 20's, as a new Christian and a new university student was also the first time I was single.

I think moving away from home really helped me, it was a proper fresh start. I blogged a few weeks ago about coping with too many firsts - having totally forgotten about this period in my life.

Despite having been contacted by a church which I had started to attend, for some reason I hadn't felt able to let myself be made known to have arrived. God still took care of me despite myself. They had a wonderful prayer ministry team and after one particular service, I did feel able to go and ask for prayer as I was feeling quite lonely. I was introduced to a wonderful lady who has become my spiritual mum. I have been blessed with so many amazing people walking alongside me with Jesus.

So I was single for a while, I remember this time as one of great self discovery. I was making new friends, meeting lots of new people, a few of them might just be reading this now :0). I am now quite convinced that this was like reliving my early teenage years. I feel so fortunate to have been given a new chance to start maturing again, this time with Jesus to help me. I am also quite sure that this time was one of being made 'pure' again. There was a lot of stuff that I worked through, giving it over to God. I started to learn how to say thank you to Jesus for always being with me even though I hadn't known he was there in some of the dark times in my life.

I still continued to want to make 'deals' with God (that reminds me of a Kate Bush song!). The funniest one being that I decided I wouldn't kiss another man until I met the one I was going to marry - now how was I ever going to know who that one was!!

Telling God what I wanted!

Another defining memory that I have of those first months as a Christian is deciding that there were definitely things I wanted God to do for me.





It sounds quite impertinent now when I write that, but I knew right from the start that God had created me to be a 'nice' person, and I felt there were two things in particular that needed to change in order for me to become more 'nice'! Those two things were, I wanted to stop being the habitual liar that I seemed to have become, the other was that I wanted the next male companion that I was to have to be the one that would become my husband. I never have been one to have small ambitions!!





Of course at the time, I had no idea of the plans that God had for me, or that there was really anything more to being a Christian and friend of Jesus than just being 'nice'. I find it really reassuring to look back at those early memories of how I viewed my faith and then to see where I am now. I am certain I still have a long way to go, but also comforted to see how much God has changed my life already.





And God is so Grace Full, in those early days instead of reminding me who it was that really knew what I needed, he stuck by those things I wanted to happen and enabled them to happen. I could not believe that after 20 years of lying about anything and nothing, this habit was broken over night - yes - I am sure the odd ones have slipped out unintentionally in the last 20 years but the habit was broken. It took a little longer for me to find the man that God had chosen for me - he first took me out on my 2nd Christian Birthday (using that as the excuse to take me out!). During those 2 years, I was tempted to follow my own desires on at least a couple of occasions, however He kept me close and I did everything I could to stay close to Him - the result in waiting meant that I have the wonderful husband I have today. I'll save the rest for another day.

Back to the Story

I can't believe it is so long since I wandered off my life story. I had intended to just have a few days off and here we are - almost a month away. My husband has requested I get back on with recapping my story, cause he knows that his entrance is imminent!



So I became a Christian on June 22nd 1992 about 6 weeks after that amazing meeting with Jesus at Easter. Why did it take 6 weeks - well I knew straight away that Jesus was going to require every part of me. There was never any question in my mind that I could be a half hearted Christian - doing some stuff but not all. I knew that for me that I was going to have to give every area of my life over to Jesus, including my relationships, my attitudes to money, to family, my body - the list goes on. I am so incredibly grateful to those that drew close to me during this time who gave me the extra strength and human encouragement that I needed to make my life changing decision.



One of the hardest parts of becoming a Christian for me was the fact that I knew that I would have to tell my boyfriend and my family. I knew with my boyfriend at the time that he would support me though I don't think he had any idea of the consequences for our physical relationship. With my family I knew there would be some dismay. For my sister it meant that a quiet faith that she had appeared to be fostering stopped completely. My mums response was to inform me that I was never to bring talk of God into our house.



In truth though it wasn't a hard decision, it was more a time required to get used to the decision that I needed to make. I can honestly say that I have never regretted making the decision to follow Jesus. There are definitely times when I have been aware of the costs that I have to pay but I also know that any cost I pay is nothing compared to the cost Christ made for me.



Three months after becoming a Christian I moved away from home to start training as an Occupational Therapist at Brunel University. The amazing vicar of the charismatic Anglican Church where I had become a Christian (St Alkmunds, Derby, UK), Rev. Paul Corrie, wrote to a church in Twickenham that he had been given the name of as being very similar in style. As a consequence I received a letter from St Stephens, East Twickenham, Middlesex, UK, letting me know they were looking forward to meeting me. I cherish that letter with lots of extremely fond memories of my arriving in West London and starting a new life.

The Day I met Jesus

So......after a couple of weeks of taking Grandma to church, I did start to wonder what all this church stuff was about. There was an atmosphere that I didn't feel part of though didn't feel excluded from. Not having been to church particularly in my life I had no idea of church etiquette - which actually turned out to be a fab thing.



I understood Communion was something that happened in a service which anyone could do - little did I know how religious organizations had managed to put such a structure around it to try and keep people like me out! Thankfully St Alkmunds in Derby were not bound up in this structure and therefore did not make me feel unwelcome.



So..... I would take Grandma up to the communion rail and receive bread and wine myself - it would have been rude not to! Then the Sunday came when I knelt down at the rail, received communion and felt Grandma's nudge for me to help her get up - then she nudged me again - but I was going nowhere. In that space on my knees, eyes closed, I felt Jesus say Hello.
I can't say for certain there was a voice, but there was a presence that could not be mistaken for anyone but Jesus (remembering that I really had no idea who this Jesus bloke was). I do not know how long I stayed there on my knees, I do remember becoming aware that the rest of the congregation were singing. When I opened my eyes there were two lovely Christians with me praying around me, they said very little out loud. My confusion about what had just happened obviously showed in my face and they suggested I go through to the quiet chapel with them to talk about it. There they sort of made some formal introductions to this new Man in my life. I closed my eyes and started a conversation with this Man, who just repeated over and over to me how pleased he was to meet me properly.



I was brought back to earth with a bit of a bump - I'd totally abandoned poor Grandma in the main church and she was waiting to go home - someone came and found me for her in the end. I'll never forget the time when she turned around to me and said that I didn't need to tell her what happened because she knew - she had been praying for me for 22 years and she knew that Jesus was answering those prayers.



My faith seemed to grow by the hour - I was very gently nurtured by one of those lovely Christians who was with me at the beginning of this journey. I often think about her and what a faithful servant to Christ she was for me. I must remember to contact her again (having not done so for many years now!). I could not read enough of the bible, she was able to lend me just the right books (most of them very old publications - I remember Hinds Feet on High Places being one of them).



So, Jesus called me and gave me the support and the faith to follow him, life has been a continuing journey since then but I feel so very very grateful to have had Him by my side for almost 1/2 of my life now.