One thousand Gifts - Ann Voskamp

I have spent the last 30 minutes going back in my blog trying to discover when I first found out about Ann Voskamp and the commitment she was making and daring to others, counting the gifts that God gives us in the everyday moments of life.  It was way back in January 2010! You can see that very first post of mine here. 

I did discover that by taking on this attitude of gratitude I did start to change.  I did notice that my prayers were less full of 'wants' and more full of 'thanks' and my joy as a result was definitely increasing.  

For three years I stuck at the counting, however the last time I wrote any blessings down in was back in February 2013, I had got to number 949 - this was written just a few days before my mother took her own life.

So why am I talking about it again - well to be honest it has never been out of my mind.  The teaching that Ann was discovering and sharing had shifted something in me.  I no longer read many blogs (You can read Ann's here)  and so have not been keeping up with where she is now, but I do no that her book is a New York Times best seller.  What really started to draw me back was when I took on the role of looking for new resources for the women's group at our church which I help to lead.  That is when I saw the book and thought - NOW was the time to get this, especially as I noticed she had done a DVD as well (our group particularly likes a bit of DVD as well as discussion).  I ended up finding quite a few resources, enough to fill the whole year!

When I met with my fellow group leaders we decided that this particular book/DVD would be a good one for our quiet away day which we usually do in November.  Now you see why this has brought everything back into my mind!  Our away day is this Saturday and I am so enjoying finally getting round to reading the book, the study guide and watching the DVD.  I am doing a section about how our hearts get closed to gratitude - quite apt considering when I stopped!  I'm also doing some craft which I am so so excited about. 

I am even more excited that we are only covering the first DVD session on our away day which means we get to do the next 4 sessions on the Fridays to December.

So I shall stop blathering on now and do a little more counting!

950. Reawakening my attitude to gratitude.

951. Soft tumble dried towels.

952. Golden leaves still on the trees.

953. Summer blooms still out in the garden.

954. Washing still drying on the clothes line.

955. Chocolate cake in the cupboard.

956. Watching an ever changing sky scape as I swim.

957. Another finished home made Christmas present.

958. Children loading and unloading the dishwasher.

959. A dog to cuddle up to when my hubby is away.

And here are a few photo's of my garden (still in bloom in November) - something I am so very grateful for.........

 Blessings to you xxxxxx

The Spoon Theory and me.

I first got to hear about the spoon theory 5 years ago, in fact I did a little blog about it here.  The video shows a lady who suffers from Lupus (another autoimmune condition very similar to rheumatoid arthritis).  I do not suffer from the nausea and temperature problems that she discusses but do most of the other things.  If you have time to watch the video then it will really help put the following paragraphs into context.

After a recent very serious and prolonged flare up of my rheumatoid arthritis I have decided to see how many spoons I generally have on a 'normal' day, so here goes......

1. Wake up in my own time, go to the loo, get dressed = 1 spoon
2. Go down stairs = 1 spoon
3. make breakfast and cup of tea = 1 spoon
4. brush teeth and hair, wash face = 1 spoon
5. catch up on paperwork/emails = 1 spoon
6. make and eat lunch = 1 spoon
7. go for a swim, shower and get dressed = 3 spoons
8. make tea for the family = 2 spoons
9. go upstairs and get into bed = 1 spoon 

So there you go my basic day also has about 12 spoons in it.  At the moment the only way I can do other activities is by swapping it with another, for example, when my husband is home, he will make my breakfast, lunch and often tea - that gives me a whole 4 spoons to use on other activities.  Here are some of the other things that I like to do:

1. Drive to church, stay sitting in an upright chair and drive home= 3 spoons.
2. Sit and crochet for a couple of hours (only possible when hands are not to sore) = 1 spoon.
3. Water my garden = 1 spoon
4. Walk my dog = 2 spoons
5. drive to a friends for a coffee = 2 spoons
6. go shopping for an hour = 3 spoons
7. drive to the beach for a few hours with a sea swim = 4 spoons.
8. have a friend round for coffee = 1 spoon
9. do some sewing with my machine = 2 spoons

So to do any of these at the moment, I have to not do some of things in that first list of 9 activities.  And I'm afraid it doesn't end there, life is messy and so there are other things that come in and demand spoons from me........

1. An unexpected emotional telephone conversation = 2 spoons.
2. Tackling the ironing mountain = 3 spoons.
3.  An extra car journey to take something to school for one of the children if they have forgotten something = 1 spoon.
4. Parents evenings at school = 3 spoons.
5. doctor/hospital appointments for me or the children = 2 spoons
6. A trip to the shops for something for tea = 1 spoon
7. Taking/ fetching the children from after school activities = 1 spoon for each journey.
8. Bumping into a friend whist out and standing chatting for 10 minutes = 1 spoon.
9. Getting petrol for the car = 1 spoon

Now the thing about that third list is that any of these always have to take priority over the second list, and problems really occur when I have got to do all the things in the first list and then some of things in the third list.  This will inevitably mean that I end up borrowing spoons from other days which means it is highly likely that I will end up extra fatigued, which makes me vulnerable to become ill or have another flare up.

On top of having to think about all these lists all the time, in order to be able to get done the things that need to get done in a day (and sometimes the things I WANT to do in a day), I also have to acknowledge that there is a spoon thief out there.  My thief comes in the guise of fatigue,illness and flare ups.  Like a thief, I never really know when they are going to strike.  Sometimes as I mentioned before I leave a window open by doing too much, which allows the thief easy access to my spoons.  So what do I do when the thief strikes?

If my husband is at work it means not doing some of the things in list one, so I might not get dressed or go downstairs, this is okay as long as one of my children is happy to bring me a cup of tea and maybe a bit of breakfast.  Phone calls and emails have to wait.  The children may have to make their own tea if dad is at work.  The one activity that I will try all out to do is my swimming as the benefit to my joints of moving them in water is proven to be positive.  However I have to be content not to even swim if I'm bad and just move in the water, have a quick shower and not dry my hair.

On the whole I seem to get through my days okay.  I am however human and I do sometimes feel sorry for myself.  This happened to me yesterday when I went to church and heard all about the holiday club that had been on for children - just 3 years ago this was part of my job.  Now even just getting to the service was an effort.  I know that I shouldn't look back and compare then to now, but sometimes you just can't help it, it just suddenly slaps you in the face.  I nearly didn't go to church because I knew it might make me sad, but then I feel bad and selfish for not supporting the great work that is going on.

In a world where everyone seems to be defined by who they are and what they do for a living it can be very difficult to continually have to make an excuse for not fitting into that definition.  Not that I think the definition is correct, but going against the grain is difficult at the best of times!!!

So there you go, you now know a little more about what goes on in my head.  It's a good job God blessed me with a reasonably organised nature otherwise I don't know how I would manage!

Take care for now,    Jane x.

Finding Joy on the Journey

A week last Sunday my husband and I had the pleasure of leading our all together service at church.  We could choose anything we liked as the subject!  I had originally intended to rehash something I had done when I was working for the church as a youth and children's pastor.  I never got round to doing it as my father died the night before, it was still used but someone else did it for me.  Then I had been given the title Admiring the View and had to come up with an interactive slot for newly confirmed Christians at our local Cathedral.  It's funny how God works though, as when I looked back on my computer the only thing I could find (I thought I had all sorts of stuff) was a power point which now looked very dated.

Admiring the View had ended up being all about remembering to stop on our Christian/life's journey and look around us and see the good stuff that God is always up to around us.

I set about writing some notes, looking through google at posts about similar topics and eventually I heard God loud and clear and the title had to be Finding Joy on the Journey.

The verse I was drawn to was this one

Philippians 4 4 - 11

⁴ Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: rejoice! ⁵ Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. ⁶ Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ⁷ And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
⁸ Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things. ⁹ Whatever you have learnt or received or heard from me, or seen in me – put it into practise. And the God of peace will be with you.

I felt able to speak about this because it was something I had first hand experience of and just felt God prompting me to tell others about my experience.  The last 5 1/2 years of my life could be described as a journey through grief.  Not only did I lose my younger sister at the age of 36 after a brief  3 week illness,  I then suddenly and unexpectedly lost my dad from a heart attack and then found my mum after she had taken an overdose and had already fallen into a state of unconsciousness, though she didn't die for another 30 hours.

As well as this my health deteriorated after a knee operation left me in a worse state than I had been prior to it.  I had to give up my job.  I became a full time carer of my niece who was 12 when she joined our family and then after two years had to hand over full time care for her to the health service, where she remains to this day, though I still have daily contact with her.

These are just all the surface issues that you could see, there was a whole lot more emotional stuff that was going on.  So life hasn't been easy.  There have been many comments made to me over the years about getting on with the good stuff that has still been left in my life, but somehow this has just made me feel discounted.  However this one bit of scripture from the Bible has been the thing that has shown me how to appreciate and find JOY on this journey.

It is so easy to only focus on negative stuff when it is surrounding you.  I truly believe that one of the things that excites Satan most is when he can see us drowning in a whirlpool of negativity.  

The whatever's in the verses start to point us towards the joy - we just have to choose to go and look for it.  I find also find it helpful to think about what this verse doesn't say:

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is UNTRUE, whatever is IGNOBLE, whatever is WRONG , whatever is DIRTY, whatever is UNLOVED, whatever is UGLY – if anything is negative or not praiseworthy – DON'T think about such things. 

My own experience has led me to praise God for the small joys in life - the first cup of tea in the morning, - the sound of my children getting on, - my dog always so happy to see me.  And when you Praise and rejoice with God - then the peace is there for your taking. 

Choose Joy!  God Bless,  Jane x.
 

Happiness

Do you ever have that feeling that time has stood still or even gone back?  I really struggled through last week.  My mum spent most of it in bed, too depressed to get up and live and on Friday I discovered that my niece had been back in hospital all week after another quite serious attempt on her life - she is still not even 16!

This time last year my mum had just come out of a mental health unit after a psychotic episode of depression (lasting 3 months) after my father died and my niece was in a secure mental health unit. Note the similarities!

I do hope however that I might be in a slightly better place.  I hope I have 'grown' as a person.  A wonderful thing that has been blossoming over the last year has been our church.  We started a new service in January 2012, a four o'clock service, with a more relaxed and contemporary style to the more traditional services that take place in our two churches.  My husband was asked to be on the leadership team of the service, giving him a role which he has been struggling to find during the five years we have now been a part of the parish.  Since finishing my job as the children's and youth pastor in June, I have taken a total back seat and when I have managed to get to the services have just sat and received.  God has been so good.  In November a lovely lady followed up a nudge she felt from the Lord to set up a women's group during the day time and finally I am starting to feel as though I belong somewhere.  So yes I do think I am in a better place.  There are still some bad days when my body may ache a little more than usual and the dark clouds are overwhelming.  However there are far more days when I can get on with life and live it, looking forward to seeing what good things might occur in my days.

I am reading a book about Eric Liddell at the moment, a biography by David McCasland called Pure Gold.  I totally expected it to be mostly about his running career (him of Chariots of Fire fame), however two thirds of this book is about his life - his life as a missionary before being cut down too early in life by war.  His faith is simply remarkable.  There are lots of excerpts from letters and missionary reports that he wrote.  In one he quotes a poem that he received from a friend and I wanted to share it here:

Happiness is to have enough for the day's needs with always some to spare for those who have not.
It is to possess the love of friends and to have the knowledge that all is well with them.
It is to live in peace with all men.
Happiness is to have the strength to face with courage all that the day may bring.
It is to cherish the gift of laughter, to be quick to note all that is lovely and of good report.
Happiness is to find our joy in the common things of life for so will youth abide in our hearts till the end of our days.
Thank God for the gift of happiness.

(page 207) Eric Liddell:Pure Gold by David McCasland

With these thoughts in mind I continue to count my blessings with Ann Voskamp

920. The joy and surprise of my children playing a board game NICELY together (totally unprompted).

921. Sharing lunch and making new friends.

922. Watching my 13 year old get his wooden railway out and build a super track for a 2 year old.

923. Receiving a gift of spring tulips.

924. The joy of taking a 4 year old for a swim and getting her to take her armbands off for the first time.

925. The blanket of snow that covered our weekend.

926. Deliveries of yarn :o).

927. Ideas forming to create something for my daughter's birthday in March.

928. Enough food in the cupboards to make do over the weekend.

929. Christmas chocolates that melt on your tongue.


       
       
           
           
       

Epiphany.

Although Christmas has been very different (quiet) this year, I can honestly say I have absolutely loved having my children around me for the whole of Christmastide.  Too often it seems they finish school too early and you end up doing jobs for the days before Christmas day and then before you know it the New Year has come and they are back.  This year though they do not go back until tomorrow.  As my two get older it takes them longer to start to reconnect with each other after the business of their individual school term lives.  My husband and I looked at each other and rejoiced this week as we heard that connection occurring while they were playing a game together upstairs.

This morning feels like the first one in a very long time that I am alone in the house.  The children are playing in their band at our local Methodist Church and my husband is at work.  On this Epiphany morning how am I spending my time?  Thinking.  I'm munching on my toast, sipping my tea, tapping on my keyboard.  I shall shortly start tying and finishing off all the loose ends in my current crochet project (something for me!).

Tying up loose ends.  How many of these we have in our lives.  Some, it has to be said we cannot tie up ourselves.  But here is a thought, when I look at this crochet project with all it's loose ends, I know it is going to look great when it is finished.  If I then think of all the loose scraggy ends in my life it is very hard to believe that when God looks at me, he already sees that great finished me.  That is what Jesus has done for me, THAT is a miracle.  HAPPY EPIPHANY.

A Quiet Christmas

 
What does Christmas mean?  Family? Friends? Church? Jesus? Presents? Food? Pretty lights?  Over the years all these things have taken a turn.

This year for me it has been about Stillness.

Our Christmas Eve didn't go to plan, we usually go to the same cinema watch a Christmassy film and then go to the same restaurant.  We arrived at said cinema to discover the film had sold out (we hadn't thought of booking as in previous years films have never been full!).  We ended up having to go to another cinema to watch a different film, that turned out okay, when we came out no restaurants were taking new sittings.  We ended up going home and getting take out pizza, that would have turned out okay, except we rarely have take out pizza and it upset my stomach!  It was nice to see the children excited and I was very surprised when we went in the kitchen before bed and found this

The glass is full of water as she felt Santa needed to watch his weight!


My lovely husband was working on Christmas Day, it has happened in the past but this is the first time the children are aware of it.  This made me totally rethink our day.  Food was definitely not going to feature any importance, we had a special breakfast with lovely fresh pastries before any present opening, but that was the only meal we all at down together for.  For the rest of the day, I put a selection of nibbly food out on the table and we grazed through the rest of the day (the children did eat rather a lot of chocolate).

My mum had gone up to the East Midlands to spend time with my brother and his family (something I had to instigate to get a break).  My niece is physically closer and not in a secure unit this year so we were able to arrange for her to be brought over for a couple of hours.  She didn't want to come to church so we went to the 9.15 service which was lovely.  Sadly we had to leave before the communion to be home in time for our niece.

It was lovely to see her opening her stocking.  The children's stockings were given to the children when they were very small by my sister when she was alive.  The girls have the same ones with an angel on them and my boy has a Santa on his.  We spent most Christmas Days all together, either at hers or at ours.  This is only the second Christmas Day the children can remember not having woken up all together.  I didn't know that my husband was snapping these pictures.

In this one particularly my niece looks so much like my sister it took my breath away.  Her face profile, her body posture, her hair, oh how it makes my heart ache.

A very nice care home worker came a little too early to pick her up as we were having a go at using the girls new pom pom makers, but he very kindly was happy to sit and chat with my husband and son while we finished what we were doing.

After she left, so did dear husband.  We ended up watching a lot of television! My daughter and I did decide to start a project with her pom pom makers though, did you see the wreath in the first photo in this post?  It was full of plastic ornaments, but in common with my door wreath which you can see in my previous post we decided to fill it with pom pom's

My lovely friend in New Zealand came on line later in the evening which meant I had some adult conversation and a bit of scrabble playing.  The day then ended with the extra surprise of my husband getting off work three hours early!  Which was so lovely as we would have all been in bed otherwise.

So all in all it was different.  It was quiet.  It was peaceful.  God was there with us, it feels as though we were able to keep the real meaning of Christmas at the heart of our day.  I am now determined to celebrate the Christmastide season and not just leave Christmas behind now that the 25th has passed by.  I haven't decided what we will do, I know it will be quiet, but I hope we can keep it Christ centred.

It's all so quiet - shhhh shhhh shhhh

The song from bonkers Icelandic singer Bjork is going round in my head this morning as my house is soooooo quiet.

When you can hear a tick from the pendulum of a clock, the sound of your own steady breathing, every creak of the bed or seat you are sitting on you know you have found quietness.

I just love it. 

I know if I go outside it will not be quite so quiet.  There will be bird song and fluttering leaves as the squirrels go about their business in the woods besides us.  There will be the sounds of people jetting off to foreign climbs.  Children playing in gardens around us.  Car doors opening and closing.

It is so tempting to stay curled up in my indoor cocoon.  The sounds in the outdoors I know will make me want to do something.  Especially when the sun has finally come out after so many months of rain.  Yesterday they talked me into a little gardening, a little pegging of washing on the line.  Today my body is telling me too much. 

Will I ever learn to go be amidst the sounds of life and not be tempted to try and join them?

I remarked to my husband this morning as he took the children off to a church service where they will be playing their instruments, that soon he might start getting the sympathetic looks and offerings of casseroles as people think he is bringing up the children alone.

One thing I can do in this quiet however is go through my daughters final year of primary school life.  Over this week the coffee table has become more and more laden with books, folders, pictures and projects.  I will look at every single one.  I will recall the stories she has told me of things that she did on a particular school day and enjoy seeing what she was describing.

I'm sad that I couldn't make it to her leavers assembly where each child gets presented with a bible.  I'm sad that even if she had wanted me to I couldn't have walked to fetch her on her final day at the school she has been at for the last seven years.  The school that first drew us to come and look at houses in this area.  The school that we noticed was right next to a church, I still remember the day that we pulled up into the school/church car park one Sunday morning.  We heard a trombone playing and there and then felt God calling us to a new home.

But dwelling on that makes me melancholy - too many sad things have happened in these last seven years.

For now I shall go and make myself a cup of tea (at least I can move around reasonably pain free at the moment) and settle down with the books and folders, pictures and projects.

xx

Easter Worship

We were in a bit of a quandry about what to do on Easter Sunday morning.  It is such a special time of celebration for Christians, that being on holiday was not a good enough reason to let it pass by.  None of us fancied trying to find a church, I didn't want to be going to a theme park.

In the quiet I felt the prompt of His Holy Spirit to go and see the sunrise over the Atlantic ocean, something that is not possible in the UK.  We had planned to go to the Kennedy Space Centre at some point and as that is by the coast a plan came together.  My dear husband did a search on the map to find a good place to go.  We ended up at Jetty Park and when we arrived we noticed there were lots of people despite the very early hour.  It just so happened that the local church were having an outdoor sunrise service.  The beach was big enough to accommodate everyone with some personal space, the added bonus of worship songs playing was fab.

It has been quite difficult to get into Holy Week, away from home and friends. However being forced to rethink and spend time alone with God has been great.

What I was not expecting while reflecting on the glory of the sunrise I was watching in the photo above,  considering that morning when Mary went to the tomb was the shadow of grief that passed over me.

Grief is a funny old thing.  As time passes you get used to the fact that the world is different when wearing grief glasses, you get used to that being the normal.  However I now seem to going through a new phase of grief shadows.  I don't know how long they are going to keep me, sometimes they are long  and sometimes they are short.  This Easter Sunday it was thankfully short, though the intensity of loss was deep.  So much has changed since last Easter, important people in my life are now missing.

The tears that flowed so freely were so welcome that morning, being on holiday has been stirring lots of memories and emotions but the release of tears had not come.  Praise Jesus for the freedom and release he gave us by his ressurection.

Gratitude.

I have been working abroad this weekend - doesn't that sound grand!  I was asked to go and do a children's group (with my hubby) for the Armed Forces Christian Union who were having a ladies weekend for military women and wives.  I was asked back in the summer and despite all recent events really felt the need to go and do this.  We were at Church House in Lubbeckke in Germany.  The sleeping accommodation was typical forces, though the building was old and had a very interesting history.  The food on the other hand was amazing, 3 cooked meals a day available, all eaten in a room designed by a naval architect, who had managed to make you feel as though you were in a ship!  Every morsel eaten with silver cutlery and deserts out of silver bowls - what decadence!  It turned out that there were only 5 children registered to come along and when we arrived this had shrunk to 4, a set of 8 year old twins and a 9 year old with a 4 year old sister.  Because of the number it was a very demanding time however meeting lots of lovely Christian ladies and spending good quality time with my husband was great. 

It was hard work to get out of bed this morning to get on with my real life jobs, at work and home, but continue with gratitude I will:

660. Central heating.
661. Sparkling stars on clear nights.
662. Happy children and therefore happy mums.
663. The opportunity to plant (spiritual) seeds.
664. The opportunity to water (spiritual) seedlings.
665. Watching children playing hide and seek.
666. Feeling Gods Spirit moving in and around me.
667. A lift to the airport.
668. Listening ears.
669. Sitting drinking coffee watching the world go by.

Excited about Church

Although my home life remains in much turmoil since the departure of my niece, as often seems to happen, in my 'church' life is flourishing.  In fact I have just looked back at old posts to see how often I have blogged about Church - there are 18 posts labelled, and almost all of them are quite negative.  One in particular however caught my eye, you can read it here .  I cannot believe it is more than 2 years that I wrote this.  The excited news is that it is all coming to fruition.

Since that post, our then curate has now become our vicar (a very unusual step for the Church of England to allow this!).  The passion for Local Worshipping Church Communities has remained - and in fact the words that God spoke to me in that conversation with our curate are now happening.

After many months of prayer and much support from a vibrant church in a near by city we have now started a new service at one of our churches.  At present it is in the evening,  as a family we all love it, though my youngest (10 years old) tends to take colouring and enjoys having a head massage as she gets sleepy.  My 11 year old son is lapping it all up, on one occasion when I was not able to make it he came home and practical repeated the sermon for me (I did tell my vicar who had done said sermon!).

There is still much to be done, there is great hope that a second morning service is going to be set up in the near future.  At present we have approximately 80 adults attending the evening service, and many of those are still splitting their time between our church and the 'other' one as their children want to continue with their friends.  Much will be needed to be done in order to be able to accommodate a lot of children, at present we have only two very small rooms where junior church and a creche is held during the service that is currently taking place at our church.

The hard work does not faze me at all though, it does nothing but excite me to see God at work, fulfilling hopes and promises that lots of people have been holding out for. 

The other unexpected return that we are having from experience of waiting and now building is the effect on our children's faith.  It has led me to consider the advantages and disadvantages of 'perfect' church, as children might see it.  For our two, I feel we are equipping them by going through this experience with them.  They might be involved in the development of new churches and services in the future and I pray that this experience will positively impact on their journeys. 

They have had to experience a lot of angst during this time.  They have had to attend junior church where the pace of change has been very slow, but have seen it move on. 

They have gone along with our experimentation when we have not wanted to attend 'church' and have done some wacky things like having 'family church up a tree'.

They now know the complexity of how services are made up and the number of people that this can take.

They and we have made some fabulous new friends and I know a lot of those friendships are just at the beginning and are hopefully going to grow and grow.

So hopefully you will see this is a positive and excited post about 'Church', it does help to have positive experiences when it it where you work as well as worship!

Dangerous Words.

Have you ever had something said to you or misunderstood what is being said to you which has then caused you damage?

A few weeks ago when we were going through a rather bad patch in our kinship caring journey.  You can read more about that here or if you want to know more about what kinship caring is and how I qualify to discuss it by clicking on the kinship caring label on the right hand side of this blog.  This bad patch rustled all the children's services into action (again) appearing to offer us all sorts of help.  However we are not poorly informed and did have a fairly good idea that there were not really any options open to us that we felt we could use.

It was during a these discussion with a mental health professional when I was told that my nieces ONLY hope was for us to continue to battle through her difficulties with her.  The only other option was for her to go into care (which is why we took her in, in the first place - no change there then).

At the time I felt I was only being told what my husband and I already knew.  However what I didn't realise was just how HEAVY that word was and how debilitating it was for me to try and carry it.  It was not until some amazing pastoral workers recognised this and prayed through this with me that I realised just how heavy a burden had been placed on me.  I actually felt the weight lift off my shoulders.  I was suddenly thinking, why am I sitting so slouched, it was of course because the weight was physically pushing me down and I could not feel this until it was taken away. 

The truth of the matter is that, yes we are probably her BEST hope in this physical world to nurture and try and help her grow into an adult.  However we have FAITH and we know that HE is her ONLY hope - no human can take that on.  It surprises me that though these children's services professionals know very well that we have a strong Christian faith, but not once have they in any way checked with us that we are being spiritually supported.  When I trained to be an occupational therapist, it was already widely accepted that our well-being is dependant on our emotional, physical and spiritual health and yet not once has our spiritual needs been checked.  Thank God for the good spiritual people who have been happy to journey with us and their wise counsel and no wonder so many child placements fall down when unacceptable burdens are (hopefully unknowingly) placed on them.

Life remains turbulent here, and we are finding new ways to try and cope with this, taking every hour as it comes is a good place to start. 

Despite misgivings.

Despite many misgivings, our Easter break turned out to be okay - even quite fun in parts :o).  It started off with our trip to Spring Harvest which I talked about in my last post.  We then had a nice day at the beach and then onto friends for supper together last Tuesday

Then on Thursday my parents arrived for an Easter holiday stay with us.  We also had friends come over who we got to go out for a meal with while my parents sat for the children - this was the first time we had had this particular foursome in an evening for over 11 years!  It was made particularly special by the fact that we could walk to a very fine Thai restaurant.

Friday I was working in the morning doing the family service for Good Friday which I took the children to, while hubby was at work and my parents stayed home to do some weeding in my garden for me.  That evening we treated ourselves to another meal out this time into the New Forest at another favourite pub restaurant with all the family, that was lots of fun especially as we found a pack of cards to play pontoon with while we waited for our food.  We then had a little amble to walk off our fine meal

Saturday we had a lazy day around at home and of course Sunday was Easter Sunday, I took almost 40 children out to do their own activities for an hour in the service.  It was also very special as my two youngest took Holy Communion for the first time as well.

Holy Week Blessings.

 I am really praying this Holy Week that I will sense God's Spirit around me.  I am really looking forward to doing a family service on Good Friday at one of our churches and taking the children out for some fun and games during our Easter Sunday service.  My husband and I are also really excited that our two youngest children are both going to be taking communion for the first time on Easter morning - what a celebration!

540.  God speaking his Majesty loud and clearly to me.
541.  Watching my 10 year old gaining Independence raising money for Tearfund with a friend..
542.  My 11 year old deciding that he wants to start a Christian lunch club at school after the Easter break.
543.  Eight young hearts learning about taking communion and teaching me a thing or two as well.
544.  The first cut of the lawn of the year.
545.  Seeing bluebells appear with just 6 days away from home.
546.  My parents agreeing to come and visit for the first time in about 9 months.
547.  Lazy holiday time mornings.
548.  The first dip of my toes in the sea this year - boy it was chilly!
549.  Plans (that have been maturing for 9 years)  for a new family bathroom finally coming together.

What a Week.

This week has just been so unpredictable, I really don't know whether I am coming or going.  Last weekend was busy. Monday I felt terrible and ended up in bed all day with a low grade migraine.  As my husband was at work, I got up to unlock the doors so that the children could come in from school.  After telling them I needed to go back to bed, they were really supportive.  My son agreed to cook pasta for the 3 of them to have tea, the oldest two agreed to walk the youngest to her gym lesson, 10 minutes walk from home.  I agreed to get up in order to take the older two to their club and to pick up the youngest.  On returning home it was straight back to bed and husband was home to do the final collection of children.

Tuesday saw the arrival of new double glazing!  We have had two houses of our own since getting married, in both we had one or two windows replaced, but never the whole lot.  My husband was left some money which we decided would be best used to get the double glazing done.  I still didn't feel great and so didn't want to go into the office to work as it is very small and stuffy and there are usually at least two others trying to work in there who I didn't want to pass my germs onto.  So I wrapped up warm and worked from the living room, the only room not being touched on that day while the workman drilled and bashed around the rest of the house.

I was very impressed with how quickly they worked, they came back on Wednesday to do the patio doors, back door and bay window.  By 3pm on Wednesday they were all done!  My wonderful hubby did all the cleaning up after they had been and today I have managed with his help to get a new curtain rail up in the bay window and the curtains re hung.  On top of this I have managed to clock in about 26 hours of  'work' including two evening meetings.  I am now sat on the sofa, contemplating the fact that another weekend has come to be - how did that happen?  Fortunately other than the normal chores and running a service at church on Sunday morning, there is not much else that needs to be done - maybe I might be able to craft and rest a little?

When you disagree with fellow Christians.

I have got myself involved with a debate on facebook posted by a friend whom I have known for many many years though have only recently become reacquainted  after approx 8yrs.  His post was asking people to agree with him that the 'equality' bill, which is currently being formulated, was the worst thing ever to happen to a Christian Society, based on this story by the BBC (a story which I have said I think is appallingly written sensationalism).  There have been many comments (over 60), the debate has gone off on tangents of which I have been apart.  What I have learnt from this experience is that Facebook is not the best place to have a debate, once one starts it can be very difficult to remove yourself from it.  I have found it very difficult to not take offense at comments such as 'have you even read this ....part of the bible', however I have tried very hard to stay loving towards all involved in the debate.  


I suppose my real bug bear on the whole debate is the feeling that some Christians appear to believe that they have the right to go around quoting the bible to point out peoples sins.  Without context I can not relate to this at all.  If I am asked my opinion on whether something is a 'sin' according to the Bible, I will use my Bible knowledge to try and answer them clearly.  However if I meet someone, or discover that someone I am  know is committing a 'sin' as the bible might interpret it, is it for me to go about asking them if they believe in God and the Bible and whether or not they know/realise that they are sinning?  Am I, as I feel some are suggesting, condemning them to Hell for not doing precisely this, withholding (I don't think I actually hold them!) the keys to the Kingdom by what I am not saying?


I often reflect of the miracle of my dramatic conversion which I blogged about a couple of years ago here.

Maybe it is because of knowing a life without God that I can have such compassion on those around me without continually feeling the need to point out their sins.  There has been one exception to this and I am still trying to let God deal with that, his ways are however gentle with me.

I hope and pray that I am not causing any person I meet to stumble in their relationship or veer away from God in any way.  And if I am then I am truly sorry and will repent before my God!

My work blog

I wrote this blog over on my work blogsite yesterday.  It is all about my experience of Church while I was in Boston in America.

When God Moves You on.

The trauma that we have faced as a family the last couple of years since my sister died, has totally eclipsed what had been happening the previous couple of years.  I have been reminded of these events this week and wondered if blogging about it might help me to see if there is any clarity on an issue which was deeply wounding and painful when it happened.

When we were first house hunting in the south of England back in 2002 we had a huge area to choose from.  We marked places in an AtoZ that looked nice where there were reasonable looking schools and churches.  When we first pulled into where we now call home it was the school and the church that we found before we found our house.  In fact we could not afford the houses that were in this area, they were all at least £10,000 more than what we were budgeting and it would have meant accepting something smaller than we had already.  Then we were shown the house that is now our home.  It needed a lot of updating and had been on the market for over a year and the sellers were desperate to sell.  Because of this we were able to strike a very good deal and got the house!  The way all this happened made us feel very secure that God was in control.  There were just far to many co-incidences for it to be anything but the RIGHT way to go.

We settled very quickly, threw ourselves into our local community including the church and made some friends that I pray will be friends for life.  There were things that were not great, we often felt very unsupported by the leadership at the church, though they were always very willing for us to come up with ideas and let us get on with them.  This is where my ministry for children began to grow, I was soon co-ordinating all the children's work, from the creche to Junior Church, holiday clubs, craft groups and special services.  I loved it all, there were times when I was brought up short - where I felt my ministry was far more important than anything else (including my husband and children - silly girl that I was).  However this ministry grew and we really enjoyed doing things like the Holiday Clubs together.

I began to feel that it was turning into something more than a volunteer should be doing.  I spoke with some very wise Christians who supported this growing feeling that I had.  I was very aware that I was going to have to go back to paid employment at some point and yet felt terrible at the thought of having to stop all the ministry that I was involved in and could not identify anybody/people to take on some of the roles.   I spoke with our minister about this and he encouraged me to write a report for the church council.

In good faith this is what I did, putting forward a suggestion that they might want to start thinking about whether it would be appropriate to employ someone in the post I had been doing (not necessarily me!).  This was where everything started to fall apart.  The church wardens wrote to me suggesting that I leave my role and that they would not be bringing forward the suggestion to the church council that a paid position should be considered.  I was completely floored by this.  I had expected to perhaps need to have a conversation with them to clarify what was in the report, so this came as a total shock.  I felt accused of trying to make a job for myself and was dumbfounded by having people refuse to discuss things with me.

In a very short space of time I found myself forced to hand in my resignation, we also lost the worshipping community that we had belonged to and had to leave our and our children's friends behind.  We did try a few times to go back, however bad feeling remained and we did not feel at all welcome by certain folk.  Work wise I very quickly found paid employment with the our local council, working with children under 5 with special needs.  It was a maternity cover post so I knew it would most likely end after 9 months, but it was perfect hours and I thoroughly enjoyed it.

.

I was once told by a very wise minister that the best 'ministries' you could be involved in were those that you could set up and then leave without them falling apart.  I am happy to see that the two ministries that I set up from scratch for younger children in our previous parish are still going, 4 years after me leaving them.  Others that I had been involved in (though not set up) have shrunk.  I still do not fully understand why all that happened did happen.

I did go to a workshop recently where we discussed where Jesus sometimes trod softly when things needed to change and sometimes strode in boldly.  Is this what we were being asked to do?  Or did we in our own strength go in with size 10 shoes on when ballet shoes were required?  I am quite content now to leave the wrestling over this alone.  Our family life requires this.  Do I mourn for our old church and the old job - yes - especially at times like Christmas and every time we have to get in the car to go to our present one.  I can even still have times of great regret, however I do still feel God is with me and with the work that I do and so I have to be content that I am where he wants me to be.

How Good is God?

I have been so confused through the night.  I became a christian in my early 20's, I saw an amazing loving community of people that I wanted to be a part of.  Jesus then came and spoke to me and invited me into a relationship with him.  Since that time in the summer of 1992 I have 'belonged' to 4 churches, all bar one move was due to moving to different parts of the country.  I currently work for my present church as the children and youth pastor.

So all should be right - yes - no.  I have three children aged 9 1/2, nearly 11 and 13 1/2, 2 girls and a boy in between them.  Our two youngest have been brought up through the churches, our eldest who has lived with us for 18 months, did attend from being approximately 9 years old.  I would say that my 11 year old stopped enjoying it at about 7 years old - he still cannot say why.  My 9 1/2 year also stopped enjoying it at around that age.  I have always been involved in the childrens ministry with them.

Have I done something wrong?  My husband took the oldest two to a youth service being run near by last night - they left after 40 minutes as they were all really not enjoying it, though husband did say that he could have stuck it out to see if it got better.

Have I given them an attitude of expectation that has become all about self grattification?  I know they are all in the process of building a relationship with Jesus, we have visited churches where they have loved stuff, they do all love being involved in family services with us.  Is it wrong for me to long for us all to 'belong' to a worshipping community that we love to be with?  Maybe my expectations of too unrealistic.

Then this morning as I wallow in the pit of confusion, my son tells me about a music video he and his little sister have watched this morning before I got up.  He told me it was a rap version of This Little Light of Mine, saying the video was brilliant and it was in the charts.  He was so impressed that when I said shall we look for it on youtube, he was by my side instantly and helped me to find it.  We then sat and watched it together, a small act of worship from the two of us this morning - thank you God.  I don't have my questions answered but I am reassured He is with me.

LZ7 - This Little Light:  FULL HD (NEW 2010 OFFICIAL)

'Church' up a tree and other blessings!

We did a first today - instead of going to our regular (hard to call it that really when we rarely go) Church we decided to do 'Church' up a tree in the New Forest this morning.

We simply strolled along until we came to a place where there were fallen trees that we could sit on and then my husband got out his Bible and sat down all together.  Looking for something tree related we read John 15 where Jesus describes God as being the vine and us the branches.  You can just see on the far right a holly tree, this was the perfect example to explain these verses more clearly for the children especially as it had berries growing on it.  There was an air of quiet as we looked at all the dead wood around the tree........

It also gave us the opportunity to talk about 'grafting' as in Romans 9, especially in relation to our eldest being grafted into our family.

The kids were really relaxed, it took very little to keep them focused, we said the Lords prayer together and then continued to enjoy our walk and scrambling in the trees.

There was space for us all.

Pippin was able to join in to!

Time for conversation un-interrupted.

....and best of all for me, when we walked back towards the car the pub was open and ready to start serving food, so the youngest two got to play while they waited.  Whilst the oldest firstly got mistaken for working there, which she really liked and then got to go chat to some ladies with their ponies in the car park.

Great walk, great time with God, great food to finish, nothing could have made this more perfect.

continued to count my blessings with the community created by Ann Voskamp

178.  That first cup of tea in the morning, especially when it can be drank in the garden.
179.  Being able to give the kids the 'treat' of staying up 'late'.
180.  A garden that continues to grow and bloom despite my recent weeks of neglect.
181.  The wise wisdom of my spiritual director.
182.  Meetings completed without making me feel to blue.
183.  Volunteers willing to work with me and take risks, outside of their comfort zones.
184.  30 children already signed up to attend my holiday club.
185.  Fun and laughter in the woods with the kids as we make a 'film' for holiday club.
186.  Indulging in some embroidery which (except for cross stitch) I haven't done for around 20 years.
187.  A settled week for my parents.
188.  Letter arriving that I have requested to use in an appeal.
189.  Discovering what my puppy dog needs to stop her waking up at 5.30am in the morning!