Self Awareness.

There is one problem with becoming more self-aware - it makes it very hard to hang on to your negative behaviour!

You may have seen my last rant of a post and if so you will be pleased to know that my anger and frustration is calming down.

You see, I am aware it is MY anger and frustration.  And what I am learning is........sometimes it is better to just get it out there.  Blow what anyone else might think about it!  I have watched people I love sit on their feelings, refusing to acknowledge them and seen those same people completely self-destruct.

However, when you have spent most of your life relying on the affirmation of others, being real is exceptionally hard.

Trying to explain how I feel when I am still trying to work it out myself is also very very hard.  It takes me some time and an awful lot of thought and energy.

Does it really matter? Would it not be better to learn to just not let STUFF bother me in the first place, to just let it go..........  Or would that just lead me into a shallowness, where I was not really able to connect with others around me?  I suppose I am really hoping that by becoming more self-aware 'stuff' will not bother me in quite the same way as it does with all these hang ups, hanging around.

I have still not quite worked out how to try and mend the broken relationship with my niece - I think I am going to be letter writing.  Things will also have to change a little in our relationship, I was obviously giving far to much of myself for it to blow as it did.  She will soon be turning 18 and will need to rely on me less if she is to have any hope of getting any sort of independence.

Gah! life can be so scary................ what would I do without my faith.  Taking on the responsibilities of the world would most definitely be enough to squash me completely!

So as I go into this new week, I shall keep forgiving those that have upset me (I never seem to be able to do anything just once) and I shall keep giving thanks for the bounty of gifts that I have been given ......

970. Unexpected kind words from a friend.

971. Putting fabric through my sewing machine.

972. Blowing bubbles with each breath as I swim.

973. Watching my dog watching the world go by from the window.

974. Conversations with my daughter in the car.

975. The cup of tea made by my son.

976. Using up the meal, that was frozen from left overs.

977. Green foods, boosting my iron intake.

978. The smell of real fires in the outside air.

979. A hug from a new very little friend.

May your week be full of acknowledged blessings xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Starting as I mean to go on.

Happy New Year faithful followers!  And faith full you are indeed if you are still following me - only 25 posts last year and most of those were of me moaning!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I cannot promise to be moan free this year - but I will try and keep it to a minimum.  A dear friend posted the above picture on facebook today and it got me thinking........

1.  Make Peace with your past  so it won't disturb your present.

I have been doing a lot of this over the last 12 months with the help of a very patient therapist and family.  It is very easy to make flippant comments to people about letting go of the past, or letting bygones be bygones.  However none of these are helpful if you haven't come to terms and made peace with your past.  It doesn't mean you have to not care about the past, it doesn't mean your past becomes unimportant.  Your past is goes with you as you travel through life and if you don't make peace with this travelling companion then it is going to be a very uncomfortable ride.

2. What other people think of you is none of your business.

Isn't this just so true!  If people look at me and think I'm a lazy oaf who sits on the sofa all day doing nothing much - does that make it true? (well to be honest occasionally, it probably is).  Of course it doesn't, these thoughts (if they exist)  belong to other people and while I might spend too much time thinking this of myself because it's what I think other people are thinking it.......... it really is none of my business.

3.  Time heals almost everything give it time.

Sounds corny, but it is true.  Though time is a construct that is individual to each of us. I have also noticed that some things heal more quickly than others, just like physical wounds do.

4. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.

Now this one made me think a little deeper.  As a practising Christian I do believe that there is someone 'in charge' - God.  However this faith also means that I have to accept that God gives us free will.  Which then  brings us around to the issue of happiness.  We have the choice to be happy - really? yes, I really believe we do.  When I first had some counselling a couple of years ago one of the first things my therapist said to me was that I used gallows laughter all the time.  I didn't understand what this meant until she explained it and I realised that sometimes she was right.  I laughed because if I didn't I would cry - I was laughing at the absurdity of the situations I was finding myself in.  At the time I felt a little offended by this - it felt like she was telling me this was not a good thing.  However as time has gone on I have noticed that actually my 'gallows' laughter is a part of the armour that God has given me to protect myself from all the absurdity around me.  It isn't something I do to hide what is really going on for me, it is there to help me cope.  And for that reason alone I think it is an absolute blessing!

5. Don't compare your life to others and don't judge them you don't know what their journey is all about.

Ouch, now this is a toughy.  I have been called judgemental to my face twice in my life.  Both times it has cut me down immediately.  Once by someone who new me very well and once by someone who hardly knew me at all.  It makes no difference to how it made me feel though.  We all make judgements all the time, it is a necessary part of life.  Do I want a cup of tea?  Have I got time to do a bit more crochet?  They are all decisions that I make after judging the merits of my situations.  It is therefore inevitable that we will sometimes end up judging other people, but this is where I will refer back to point 2.  If other people think I am judging them, that is their business not mine.  And then back to point 1, make peace with the things that have happened in the past.

I do sometimes look at my life and wonder if I would be happier walking someone else's journey.  However the journey of other peoples lives is obviously just the bits that I can see, I will never know someones whole journey.   I might sometimes look with envy on those who have more physically able bodies than I have.  However when I look at the rest of those peoples lives, I am soon brought back to earth with the contentment I need to carry on my own journey on my own path.

6. Stop thinking too much it's alright not to know the answers.  They will come to you when you least expect it.

I love this!  As someone with an appalling memory for important stuff, like peoples names - I really do know that complete joy when the name actually comes to you!  In the age of google where you can get an answer (or at least think you have ) to almost everything in a few taps it is hard to sometimes just let things go.  This is something I am daily challenged with by my two children, one a teenager, one almost there.  My eldest particularly is very precise in nature and likes to have an answer to everything.  I on the other hand am happy (usually) to leave loose ends.

7. Smile you don't own all the problems in the world.

Now I (along I am sure with many others)  have been on the receiving end of someone telling you to smile when something awful has just happened - gah - it makes me gag just thinking about it!  However if you are able to, a smile can make a world of difference to others.  It can diffuse anger, it can restore hope, it can give you a brief moment of reprieve.  I know this because I have been on the receiving end of others smiles in times of great need in my own life.  I have also been privileged to be told by some lovely people that my smile lights up a room - this may or may not be true but it makes me feel fabulous!

So I cannot say that I think these are definitely 7 rules to live your life by, but I do think they are all very sound pointers.  So much so that I am going to print it off for my 16 year old niece who is in a long term secure mental health unit.  It will definitely give us something to talk about when I next go and visit!

I also saw this picture also recently

and decided this is going to be my motto for 2014.  Saying what I feel has only really been possible through my blog, but slowly, slowly (very very slowly) I am starting to find my feeling voice in public with the people who mean most to me and hopefully this is going to continue into the new year.........

bye for now xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Loose Ends.

You may remember the other day in this post I talked about having to finish a crochet project (by the way if you would like to see the finished article then you can see it over on my other blog here) which involved tidying up a lot of loose ends.  Those scraps of loose ends have been sitting in a little pot next to me all week and have proved to be very thought provoking.

Loose ends are something you have finished with but are still hanging around.  Tidying up lifes loose ends is something I would really like to do.  In most cases it is just a mindful thing which is all that is required to tidy them up.  I just need to make the decision to put them away.  In other instances there are loose ends that I need to practically do something about.  Conversations with people that need to take place to put issues to rest.  This will be hard but I am praying that I might actually get the opportunities I need to do this in the near future.

I used some of these ends as the stuffing in some little heart key rings I made.  As I was stuffing them in I was challenged to think about whether I sometimes try and stuff the loose ends of my life into a little case and sew it up.  In principle I don't think there is anything wrong with doing this.  If something is finished with it is not healthy to keep it hanging around.  I suppose it is where you put them that is the  crux of the matter.  I love this picture of one of my hearts being stuffed.  It is now serving as a reminder to give my loose ends to God.  Any other holding place will end up wearing out or coming undone, spilling those loose ends back out.  In HIS heart they are going to be safe forever.  Those loose ends haven't disappeared, but they are safely put away.  They are even being used for another purpose - not being wasted.  That idea makes me smile alot.

It's all so quiet - shhhh shhhh shhhh

The song from bonkers Icelandic singer Bjork is going round in my head this morning as my house is soooooo quiet.

When you can hear a tick from the pendulum of a clock, the sound of your own steady breathing, every creak of the bed or seat you are sitting on you know you have found quietness.

I just love it. 

I know if I go outside it will not be quite so quiet.  There will be bird song and fluttering leaves as the squirrels go about their business in the woods besides us.  There will be the sounds of people jetting off to foreign climbs.  Children playing in gardens around us.  Car doors opening and closing.

It is so tempting to stay curled up in my indoor cocoon.  The sounds in the outdoors I know will make me want to do something.  Especially when the sun has finally come out after so many months of rain.  Yesterday they talked me into a little gardening, a little pegging of washing on the line.  Today my body is telling me too much. 

Will I ever learn to go be amidst the sounds of life and not be tempted to try and join them?

I remarked to my husband this morning as he took the children off to a church service where they will be playing their instruments, that soon he might start getting the sympathetic looks and offerings of casseroles as people think he is bringing up the children alone.

One thing I can do in this quiet however is go through my daughters final year of primary school life.  Over this week the coffee table has become more and more laden with books, folders, pictures and projects.  I will look at every single one.  I will recall the stories she has told me of things that she did on a particular school day and enjoy seeing what she was describing.

I'm sad that I couldn't make it to her leavers assembly where each child gets presented with a bible.  I'm sad that even if she had wanted me to I couldn't have walked to fetch her on her final day at the school she has been at for the last seven years.  The school that first drew us to come and look at houses in this area.  The school that we noticed was right next to a church, I still remember the day that we pulled up into the school/church car park one Sunday morning.  We heard a trombone playing and there and then felt God calling us to a new home.

But dwelling on that makes me melancholy - too many sad things have happened in these last seven years.

For now I shall go and make myself a cup of tea (at least I can move around reasonably pain free at the moment) and settle down with the books and folders, pictures and projects.

xx