Heart wounds.

A phone call ends and blood flows from the gaping wound left in my heart.  Eyes stare at those hopes, those much prayed for hopes as they burn leaving only ashes ahead.  Don't ask me how I feel, I don't know...... Angry? Furious? Tired? Resigned? Mournful? Sadness? oh yes, there is definitely sadness, I can feel it flattening me to the ground.  That is something I suppose, I can identify something correctly, practise makes perfect.

Thirty minutes before the phone call I was walking the dog, laughing out loud at her antics as she first got stuck in a stream and then swirled into madness as the squirrels in front of us suddenly all took off in different directions.

Madness....... I wouldn't have been giving that word any more thought now if the phone call hadn't come.  But it did, Madness, Mental health, Self Harm, Suicide, oh yes, more and more thoughts are tumbling out of their neat little boxes in my mind where I can usually keep them tidy AND under lock and key.

I could of course could just quickly vacuum all those horrid thoughts up, get them back under lock and key, hey! what does it matter if they are not neat and tidy in their little boxes. I'm so tempted, that way would be so quick, so.... I might need to wear a mask again for a while but who cares?

Actually I care.  There is also that gaping wound that needs dealing with.  A wounded heart needs attention.  A quick patch up job will fail, I know this and have some ugly scars to show for it.  What this heart needs right now is a healing touch, I need the hands of my maker to come and hold his hand over this wound.  He will stem the flow of blood.  He won't mind the mess, the redness, the rawness.  His hands will work with such care. His patience will be forever enduring. There will be another scar but it will be different. I'm learning from Him to have patience too. No human can say or do the right thing, right now. I shall just wait and wait some more.

New hopes will come too, in their own time.

Luke 12:7  Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.

Hope for the Hopeless

What do you do when you are told that this might be as good as it gets?  What about all your hopes and dreams?

I am talking about my niece, her mental health has once again deteriorated very quickly, she is harming herself worse than she has ever done during this 6 month admission.  Three weeks ago we were planning her discharge as she was doing so well. 

I have sat in a meeting with all the 'professionals' caring for her for two hours this afternoon.  The general consensus appears to be that this could well be as good as it gets.  REALLY? FOREVER?

My heart is broken enough from all the losses that have driven her to the place where she is, how on earth can I keep it from shattering completely?  It isn't even just an emotional pain that I feel anymore, my heart actually aches so that it catches my breath.

I cannot possibly accept this is as good as it gets surely?  Where is my hope in a God that heals, whose heart is for the broken and the orphaned?  Do I accept what they say and so start to guard my heart from the pain that it is going to have to continue to endure for her?  Or can my God give me the strength to stand firm, to endure the pain and to hope eternally?

I so HOPE it is the later,  shortly after she stopped living with us I did much of the guarding myself from the pain.  I managed it for about 12 months before the cracks in this plan became to deep that the pain started to spill.  I then had to give up work because of the deterioration in my health.  I do not want to go there again.

I guess all I can do at the moment is make this my prayer and have that same HOPE.

2 Chronicles 14:10-12

Good News Translation (GNT)

¹⁰ Asa went out to fight him, and both sides took up their positions at Zephathah Valley near Mareshah. ¹¹ Asa prayed to the Lord his God, “O Lord, you can help a weak army as easily as a powerful one. Help us now, O Lord our God, because we are relying on you, and in your name we have come out to fight against this huge army. Lord, you are our God; no one can hope to defeat you.”¹² The Lord defeated the Ethiopian army when Asa and the Judean army attacked them. They fled,