Conspiracy Theories

My eldest for whom we kinship care, has been in and out of sorts today.  She has had an inset day from school so was with me without my other two, that does not happen very often.  There have been times when she has been really really helpful, making my lunch, letting me instruct her as she made a spaghetti bolognaise for tea and  making a lasagna.  She has spent some time playing music and just chilling watching tv in the same room where I have been crafting.  The dog also got bathed my her when I mentioned that I was going to have to do that.  Then there have been the moments when she has looked totally miserable.   I finally mustered up the courage to have a quiet moment with her to see if I could find out what was going on.

She had come to me saying she wasn't feeling well, I gave her a cuddle and asked whether it was her body or mind that was not feeling good.  Both was the reply.  I stayed quiet for a moment, "I have been having bad dreams.", "What about?"  I responded.  "That mummy is in hell", thump, it was like taking a blow to my gut.  It turns out she has been thinking that her mummy took an overdose and that we have been covering it up because we don't want her to know that.  If she had taken an overdose in her eyes, that meant her mummy had gone to hell.

What awful thoughts to have.  I wonder how long that has been stewing around in her heart and brain.  A conversation about her wanting to go on anti-depressants followed.  That was very tough too, it is harder still because she knows that I am on them and her Grandma too.  I don't know if I said the right things.  I told her that anti-depressants did not work for everyone and that there were always risks that it could make you worse.  I also pointed out that it appears that she only had occasional bad days now, far out weighed by good ones. 

She had no desire to go to her band practise this evening, wanting instead to just go to bed straight after tea and wake up feeling better int the morning.  When I queried this is was because that is how she sees me dealing with my 'bad' days.  We did manage a little giggle that it was only because when you get to my age it is often not practical to go out with your friends to 'play' to distract you when you were feeling low, plus our play is always so much more expensive than hers! I assured her that if I could, I would far rather go and be with friends to get cheered up (now I am questioning whether that is actually true).

We had our tea and by the time it was over she had stepped out of the puddle of despair that she had fallen into and was back to her 'normal' bouncy self again.  There was no more said about bed, instruments were brought downstairs without me asking her to get them.  So off with her new siblings she went to band.  Boy am I praying hard now that she has an enjoyable time there.  Another day in the life of a kinship carer.