I have written about the background to these letters over here if you are interested in why I have written them.
So what do I want to say to you Sally? In ten days time you would have been 39. You were only 36 when you died. I am not going to say when you left us, that implies that you had some say in it. I don’t believe you did, given the choice of a healthy life or death you would have grabbed a healthy life with both hands without having to think at all.
I wonder what your daughter would have chosen to do for your birthday – what do you reckon? She has asked me if we can watch Dirty Dancing again. That’s what we did last year, along with eating frozen mandarin cheesecake, she says that was something she had done with you once, a whole one just between the two of you.
You wouldn’t believe what I am doing at the moment. It’s the first spontaneous outrageous thing I think I have done since I had the children. I am on my way to meet someone I have only been in contact with over the internet in Boston in the United States of America. I only booked it 3 weeks ago – how bonkers is that. I hope it inspires both of our girls to believe that it is the sort of thing they can do when they are adults. I am having a real spurt of wanting to ensure that I am setting them both a good example at the moment. This is especially important at the moment as I been a bit too worn out. I am sure you can imagine what a big job having Amy with us is. It seemed so easy when she was a little girl to say to you that we would happily take responsibility for her if anything happened to you. I don’t think I could have ever actually imagined what it would be like if that something did happen.
I guess my little daughter has got to the point now where she cannot actually remember much of what life was like before her cousin came to live with us. Is that a good thing? In some ways I think it is because she cannot miss what she can’t remember, but sometimes it feels a shame, she has had to grow up very quickly. With me coming away she wanted to take on the role of being Mummy in the house, hopefully my darling husband will reassure her enough to not let the weight of that responsibility weigh her down.
You would love your nephews laid back attitude to life. He is finally able to express it as that and not as the uninterested attitude that many people (especially his teachers) have taken it for when he was younger He is an 11 year old boy who is still enjoying (maybe even more than he used to) cuddles and kisses with his mummy and daddy. He is also very perceptive and can see when an argument is brewing (especially between Amy and I) and is often able to say something that brings me back down to earth and to being The Parent again.
My dear husband is just as wonderful as ever. It makes me so proud when I hear him talking to your daughter or about her, an outsider would never know that they were not blood related. I do sometimes worry that our mad dynamic family is wearing him out to quickly though – his memory is absolutely shocking! I feel so sad that you never got to experience the same sort of long term feelings as we have, you most certainly deserved to have someone loving you and taking care of you as I am by him.
Right I am going to finish this off for now, I have completed another first, I have never had a computer on a plane before to tap away on, it’s a very lovely way to have whiled away a little more of the 7 and a bit hour journey I am making. Miss you so much Sal, you are never far from our thoughts xxxxxxxxxxxxxx