For the last 2 years of our kinship caring journey we have often said to folks that we often feel like we live an hour at a time not knowing what will come next. The looks you get from this vary, but I understand it is a way of living that not a lot of people have to live with.
An hour after I wrote my last blog a week last Tuesday, everything turned upside down for us all yet again. It wasn't anything spectacular that turned everything upside down, however it was obviously for me the last straw. My reaction to what was really a quite minor spat with my 14 year old niece caused a sequence of evidence that has ended up with her staying with friends, being admitted to hospital and hopefully to emergency respite foster carers tomorrow.
I feel so cross and confused with myself that I kept soldiering on, thinking (or maybe pretending) I was coping, when it turns out I so obviously was not. What I suppose it all boils down to is having to admit that my best efforts to care for a very damaged 14 year old have just not been good enough.
It is strange that now everything is out of my hands (and control), I am finding it so much easier to pray for the whole situation. It is reassuring to know that I can trust God far more than I can trust myself or any of the professionals around me. Now I just have to hold onto that trust and belief that God can work all things for my dear nieces good.
If you are reading this and you pray, please hold us all in your prayers. My two biological kids are being great despite their tender ages, my dear husband is very worn out as he has had to do all the meetings and phone calls that my actions caused as well as working full time. We are praising God for the amazing friends that he has surrounded us with, some of whom have been called on to do far more than you generally expect of friends. I am hoping that I am finally learning to be more honest about my limits and will keep having the strength (of mind) to ensure that nobody or nothing stretches me too far again.