I have had a horrible week this week, I seem to be falling out with everybody! Yesterday for the first time in my life I found myself shouting at my dad! The result of all this is I feel like one hell of a bad guy - after all I am the common denominator in the upsets.
I wonder if it is to do with just another 'life stage' that we seem to be going through. There have been a lot of deaths and some very serious illness occurred in our church family this last few months. Amongst our friends there seems to be an increase in their parents becoming ill and requiring more help and/or dying. I know I should be feeling compassionate and empathetic towards them all but I don't. When I see that someone has lived three score years and ten (plus quite a lot, some of them!)then it feels like they have had a long life. I know this probably all relates to the grief that I still feel over my little sister dying at 36 years old nearly two years ago.
My husbands parents have both passed away, his father 10 years ago and his mother just over 2 1/2 years ago. I on the other hand still have both my parents and my grandmother (really my great Aunt on my mothers side). The later is in a nursing home requiring full time care, she no longer knows who her family are, except that she often refers to my mum as being her sister who died 10 years ago. However my parents no longer feel like my parents. Since my sister died they have gone from their 'young' real ages (now 65 and 64 years) to elderly folk who can no longer look after others. I am really struggling with this! I am not ready to take on more caring! I am struggling enough looking after my 'new' family. So why do I feel so guilty about letting them just get on with what they are doing and accepting the flack that they give me when I am not 'helping'?
I have been wondering this morning whether this is actually progress - that I have been able to express some frustration to my father on earth. Through all the trying times of the last few years I have never once felt angry towards God my father in heaven. I have been told by many that I can be, that it is allowed, that He is big enough to cope with my anger - but I have just not felt it. Maybe the anger is starting to come out - I just so hope I don't upset anyone irreparably in the process!
Maybe I need to be wearing some sort of danger sign around my neck to warn people of possible explosions or maybe I just need to stay in doors today and do a bit of crafting!
This blog is a bit like a journal for me. I have found over the years that I can never sustain writing in a physical journal. However I seem to be able to quite happily tap out my thoughts now and again on this blog. My thoughts are often very random and sporadic. I would love to hear your thoughts on what you read.