Ten Highs and Ten Lows of Kinship Caring.

Kinship caring is looking after a child under 16 who is not your own, not adopted, not fostered, but who you are looking after and belongs to close family or friends.  You can find out more about my kinship journey in previous posts that I have written here and here. I care for my niece who is now 13 years old, she came to live with us after my sister (her mum) died 2 years ago.  Today has been a very tough day and it might well get worse yet as when my two biological children have gone to bed there is some big talking that the three of us are going to have to do before bed.

Lows:

1. Every time I look at her I feel sad that my sister isn't watching her grow up.
2. It is incredibly difficult to know when she is truly feeling ill, unlike how I can tell with my biological children.
3. Facing her grief is harder than handling my own.
4. Seeing her rejected over and over by her father.
5. Seeing my 9 year old learn about things such as self harm.
6. Knowing that because of her attachment disorder there is every chance I will not get to see whether we are making a difference until she is an adult.
7. Going to visit friends and staying over is logistically more difficult.
8. Leaving her with a sitter as we could our youngest two is not possible because of her behaviour problems.
9. Going on holiday as a family is so much more expensive.
10. We can never fill the hole that she feels not being with her 'real'  parents.

Highs

1. The pride you feel watching your biological kids accepting a new member into the family.
2. New friends made.
3. The friendships that matter becoming so much deeper.
4. The sense of achievement you can feel they manage the smallest things, eg. getting a thank you out of the blue.
5. Taking the time of work which meant we could get a puppy.
6. Being ahead of the game knowing more about secondary school before my biological eldest's friends parents (those that don't have older kids!).
7. The privilege of being alive.
8. Discovering that my marriage is made of strong stuff.
9. Knowing that without God this could have been so much worse.
10. Watching the three kids play together, like they have never known any different.

Nearly Half Way

I feel really encouraged today looking at my 1000 gifts journey, I am getting towards the half way point.  Not that I ever intend to stop counting all the small blessings in my life as well as the big, but for an organised person like myself seeing a milestone is always an encouragement in itself.

445. Watching my 9 year old busy herself in the kitchen, cleaning and washing up (pretending to be me!).
446. Sloppy kisses from my 11 year old son who shows no signs (yet) of withdrawing his extravagant hugs and kisses for his mummy.
447. My 13 year old telling the truth when she would normally not have.
448. Knitting and dreaming in quiet moments.
449. Delighting a friend with a simple gift.
450. His Peace that knows no end.
451. Snuggling up with my husband in bed after two nights of him working through the night.
452. Work plans coming together.
453. Seeing answers to prayers for our church starting to appear.
454. Being one week closer to having our double glazing fitted at home.

Read more about the gratitude community and 1000 gifts by clicking the link below:

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Proud Moma Moment - A Different Christmas.

 

At the end of October we went and stayed with my sons God-Parents and had been having a conversation with them about Christmas.  Their children are much younger than ours (3 and 1 year old), they are both Anglican ministers and run a Parish in Cheshire together.  Christmas therefore is an extremely busy time for them.  So far they have managed to keep 'Santa' out of their Christmas celebrations completely.  We were having a discussion about how that might continue and it got me thinking why I chose to go the route I did with my family.  I have to be honest and admit that it wasn't something I felt I made a conscious decision about.  My children are not the eldest within the wider family, so maybe I just picked up the traditions that my siblings and parents had already put in place.  I feel quite ashamed that I did not put more thought into it.

In November I was reading another of Ann Voskamps posts at Holy Experience and it shook me to my core, it once again took me back to why as a family we do the things we do at Christmas.  In her post she describes how 10 years ago when her son was 5 years old, he suddenly asked why people get presents at Christmas, when everyone normally gets presents on their birthdays and this was Jesus's birthday.  Her reaction to this was to invest in presents for Jesus and not for their family members - a tradition that they have carried on ever since.

This year I was working up until Christmas Eve, the first time since I started paid employment within the church.  I found this far more focused my mind on the reality of Advent and Christmas.  Boosted by the idea that Ann took on for her family, I chatted with my husband and we decided to talk to the children about it.  This meant no longer talking about Santa leaving presents, we knew our eldest two (13 and 11) didn't 'believe' in Santa but knew we just talked about him with a twinkle in our eyes, however I was not totally certain about my youngest daughter (9 years).  We sat together after a meal and I told them about the blog post that Ann wrote.  We chatted about Santa and why we have always followed the tradition that we have - honestly.  They were all very interested and understanding in our discussions.  Then came the point when I made the suggestion - "How would you all feel about not having presents from your parents/carers this year?"  I quickly reassured them that we could still do stockings (small things including lots of sweeties), feeling that cutting everything out might just be too overwhelming.  I also pointed out that they would still get presents from wider family members and friends and we would still buy presents for them to.

It was during this conversation that we started talking about the stuff that they often got, usually one main present (a toy, etc) and then lots of smaller presents of things that to be honest I would at any other time of the year buy them anyway.  For example, wellies, pyjamas, new underwear, new school bags, etc.  We all agreed that generally we are in the very luxurious position of being able to get the things we need in our life. My husband and I most definitely did not 'need' anything and I knew he found present buying very very stressful. We then started chatting about what sort of things Jesus would like for his birthday.  With some very gentle encouragement they started to understand that he would probably want things for those that don't have anything, or at least very little.

So on the afternoon of Christmas Eve we sat down together after lunch with an Oxfam unwrapped brochure.  I gave each one of us a sum of money and then read through the brochure so we all knew what was in it.  Once I had done this we went round in turn and said what we would like to spend our money on.  I was so very proud of them all, there was no moaning, no mournful looking faces.  Instead we were laughing and playing a little game of guessing how much things might be before I gave them the answer.

It was really lovely when just after the New Year we received a whole load of cards from Oxfam showing all the items that we had purchased, we were all able to again reflect on what we had chosen for Jesus.  The photo at the top of the page is just a small number of these cards, but things like a toilet, a shelter, home care assistant and clean water were just some of the things we were able as a family to give to those who needed it.

I have to confess that we did still treat the children - we brought one family present - a games console, the first time I had purchased one of these for over 14 years (and then it was for my husband as we had no children).  However we didn't let them see this until they had already opened other family/friends presents and their stockings and been to church, and needless to say it has been a great hit.

My youngest summed up the whole experience this Christmas a couple of days ago with "can we or at least can I do this again next Christmas please".  I most certainly think a new tradition has begun.

A Good Friend.

Today it is my dear friend Ko's birthday.  I have known her since the year we moved to our present home 8 1/2 years ago (where we knew no-one).  For her young years (I can say that because she is younger than me!), she seems to have had to cope with far more downs than ups.  When I first met her it was in the creche of the church we both belonged to about 6 months after we had moved there.  She was dropping off her two children, 3 yrs and a 3 month old.  She explained to me that her eldest a little boy had come with his 'daddy' book this morning as he was missing his father - he had died about a month or so previously.  She had been widowed just before her 30th birthday with two small children.  Our contact over the next 6 months was occasional.  We had some play dates with the children (our boys are the same school year).  Another vivid memory I have was about 6 months later when she told me she had met some-one through an Internet support forum for those who had lost their partners. It was probably the first time I saw the heavy weight that she had been bearing being lifted.  There was a sparkle in her eyes, that was probably when I first really started to get to know her and she was fab!

I read an (as yet) unpublished book that another friend has written last week.  In it she describes a sunset,  I hope she won't mind me sharing the analogy she uses (I won't write it beautifully like she does, you will have to buy the book for that).  It has to do with the fact that a sunset is only beautiful and coloured because of the dust in the air.  It is these imperfections that cause the light from the sun to reflect in different ways, without it there would be nothing except plain sun light.  I can look at my friend Ko and see this.  She is beautiful not just from the outside but from the inside.  These last couple of years since the death of my sister, she has been the one person my age (I do like to consider I am younger than I am) who I know has a bit of an understanding of how I have been feeling.  This has natural drawn us closer,  She married her second husband on my birthday 5 years ago and their second baby together (yes they have four in all) is mine and my husbands youngest God child.

Today we were supposed to go and have a nice birthday lunch together, however her hubby has just popped round to say that she has woken up and been ill so gone back to bed.  Something always goes wrong on her birthday - last year it was snow that prevented them from going to the a pre-booked show in London!  However I know that we will make up for it soon and just pray her a very speedy recovery and I want her to know just how much I love and adore her.  Happy Birthday Ko x.

A Precious Gift

My wonderful husband had asked me a few nights ago for a few tips on how to use window movie maker, I offered to show him but he declined my offer saying he wanted to have a go without me seeing - intriguing I thought.  Then this evening he showed me why - I feel so amazingly blessed, the only problem I have now is trying to do one of the boys in our house!  All the pictures are from 2010, what a busy year we had!

New Years Gratitude.

I am very embarrassed to find that I have not written down any blessings since 10 December!  I am even more embarrassed to have to confess to have not even taken time to think about them.  Time to rectify that I think.

330. Safe journeys over Christmas to the east midlands to see my parents.
331. Contented children on Christmas day though there was very little under the tree.
332. Time spent with friends.
333. Time spent with just the five of us.
334. Discussions with eldest about being adopted.
335. Being able for the first time since Sally died to cook a Christmas Dinner for others. (The last time had been for her).
336. The central heating getting fixed between Christmas and New Year, when our usual workman was on holiday!
337. Early nights and late mornings.
338. Time to read!
339. Friends taking the children overnight so that we can have a morning without them!
440. Seeing the children wearing the gifts that I made them.
441. Not having a terrible hangover when I really did deserve one.
442. Singing down the telephone with the whole family on speaker phone, We Wish you a Merry Christmas to my parents.
443. A visit to my Grandma with my youngest, who coped with a 'demented' conversation so well.
444. My loving God who is always there, even when I might ignore him.


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Two years on!

Today is my blogs second birthday!  191 posts have been done and I have loved every minute.  Not every post has been easy to write.  My biggest blog highlight this year has been joining in the Gratitude Community with Ann Voskamp over at A Holy Experience.  It can be a real challenge sometimes when weeks are too busy and the body is failing to look for blessings in the small things we are surrounded by.  However the benefit to teaching the heart and the brain to look for these things has certainly made me far more aware of how God is interested in every part of my life and rejoices in all the moments that I share with him.

So I wonder what this next year is going to develop in my blog life.  I hope that I continue and definitely improve with my new work blog Life of a Children and Youth Pastor.  I hope I can continue and improve on my publishing my blessings on a Monday.  I would love to get some more of my crafty bits and pieces photographed and shared.  A few hopes is all I have at the moment, that is what I really enjoy about blogging, when ideas come and can enjoy exploring them in writing.  When they don't I can continue to read all my fellow bloggers posts and revel in the enjoyment they are having with theirs.