When all you want to do is get attention and please people you are inevitably going to have times when you fail. I would love to know why I am have such a burning desire for these unattractive attributes. For years my faith has kept these desires at bay, any hopes that they had been destroyed have unfortunately been proven unfounded.
Even writing this blog is suddenly a ridiculous self absorbed thing.
I know I have fallen into a depression, I also know that I am not going to be able to get out of it alone. I had a wonderful series of pictures about 18 months ago, maybe they were one of the tools God gave me to help me now. The pictures were of a series of holes in the ground, they were deep holes and each one had a person at the bottom of it. In each hole the person was doing something - most of them were trying to get out of their holes without success. There were also some people ignoring the help that was being offered by others from above their holes. My favourite of these pictures was of the hole being filled with water by a hose put into it from people around the top of the it. This was not intended to drown the person in the hole! All the person in the hole needed to do was float on the surface of the water. As they lay back floating the water lifted them out of the hole.
My prayer for the moment is to be floated out of this depression I have fallen into.