Through the Eyes of my daughter.

My 11 year old daughter has had the camera out, these pictures of hers capture some real blessings.

 690. A walk with my family.

 691. The rotten stuff in our lives being washed away.

 692.  Love that knows no boundaries.

 693.  Sunshine.

 694.  Long legged shadows.

 695.  My secure fortress.

 696.  My rock.

 697.  Blue sky and green grass.

 698.  Sea spray on our faces.

 699.  The eyes that saw it all.

15 Uneventful Days of 2012.

Well I got to 16 days of a new year before anything too negative has happened.  I am now trying to see the new negative as a positive.  Yesterday afternoon I had to go and tell my mother that her mother had died.  She was 92 years old and had been in a state of severe dementia living in a nursing home for the last 3 years.


It was not totally unexpected (92 years is a very good innings).  Personally it is something I have to confess I have been praying to happen for a while.  In one of my very early posts to this blog which you can find here is a very brief sketch of my mums early life.  Over the last three years I have heard more stories and know more facts about the life she had with her the Aunt and Uncle that adopted her.  It is not nice stuff, in fact I can not recall a single 'nice' thing that I have been told.

Mum has often said to me that she would not shed any tears when her mum went.  She didn't when her 'father' died back in 1992.  His funeral was very swift and brief attended only by my mum and her 'mother', no words, no flowers.

However I was still very nervous about delivering the news last night.  My mum was discharged last week from a local (to me) psychiatric unit after a 10 week stay preceded by a breakdown immediately after my father died back in October.  She got the keys to a lovely little detached bungalow last Wednesday.  She is renting it for 6 months to see how she feels about living in the south of England as opposed to the east midlands where she has been for the last 44 years.  Last Sunday my brother brought down most of her possessions from her old house and we spent the day setting up her new one.  There were some tears, it felt odd, a bit like bringing Dad down too (he had made most of the furniture).

You might now see where my nerves were coming from.  Mum is still very fragile, we sat for a couple of hours, not saying much.  Just a few bitter and angry words.  I have spoken with her this morning and she says she was able to sleep last night.  I knew that the coming few weeks were going to be testing for her before yesterdays events happened.  Your prayers for her, my brother and me would be much appreciated.

Loving Yourself.

I was challenged yesterday with the "question do you love yourself?"  When I found it hard to answer I was asked "Are there any times you can think of when you have loved yourself?".  I was completely stumped.

Being the cautious person I am I did not immediately jump in with what immediately came into my head (that is to answer categorically no).  However when I started to contemplate the second question all I could think of were things about be that I love - products of me - gifts and abilities that I have.  Does that mean that if I did not have these abilities then I would not love anything about me?

I have spent some time 'googling' around this subject and looking through my bible to discover that there is very little about loving yourself.  The Bible tells us  that as we were made in the image of God (Genesis 1:27).  We are also told that God is love (1John 4:8), so does that mean we were made to be love as well?

The only Bible verse that seems to say anything about loving ourselves is where a verse from Leviticus (19:14) is reiterated through the New Testament which says we must love our neighbour as ourselves.  So is the presumption I take from this, the presumption that we were made/created to love ourselves?

Certainly if I consider back to when my children were born, they had no shame, and even when able to express themselves gave no indication that they did not think that they were special and loved and therefore lovable of themselves.  How sad then that when I speak with my 10 year old daughter now, she can real off lots and lots of things that she does like about herself - does this mean that she already does not love herself?

The only other Bible verses that are coming into my head are the ones about how much God loves me, there is Luke 12:7

"Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows."

and from Psalm 139:13

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb."

For now I think I am just going to hold onto these promises to me from God of how much he loves me and hope and pray that I might just grow to discover either that I do love myself  or at least know that I can.

Looking Backwards and Forwards.

There is nothing like counting your blessings, especially when you start to feel as though nothing good happens.  It has been great spending the Christmas break thinking of all the things that I have learnt or done over the last 12 months.  I know I usually count my blessings by counting the everyday things that happen in life, however today I feel that I need to consider some of the bigger things to.

680.  Learning how to crochet.
681.  Taking a solo trip to meet a new friend in Boston, USA.
682.  Having a fabulous family holiday with the four of us.
683.  Finally getting all the rooms in the house decorated and made by us.
684.  Learning how to say no to significant people.
685.  Learning how to put my children and husband first.
686.  Keeping my job going through very rough times.
687.  Learning how to say yes when help is offered.
688.  Finding new books and resources that have helped me stay close to God.
689.  Sticking with a craft project for months and months (and still continuing) knowing that it will be so worth it in the end.

Chatting with a friend the other day, also made me realise that I am starting 2012 in a very different place to where I started 2011.  It has certainly been a year of challenges but also a year of growth.  I can look forward to 2012 with great anticipation of what new things I will learn, and what skills I might develop.

I have no idea at the moment what shape the next 12 months will take on, but I do know that
"I can do all things through Him who strengthen me"  Philippians 4:13.

Helping people with a chronic illness.

I have just read this blog and think it puts so eloquently what I would like to say about having a chronic illness that I am not even going to try and use my own words.  The post is all about how people can care for others with a chronic illness.  Fortunately my rheumatoid arthritis has not giving me too much hassle pain wise this last year.  However it is still there, I am still taking lots of very toxic drugs, I still have to be very very careful about how much I do as exhaustion comes very quickly.  This means that apart from my walking stick that I use my illness is quite invisible on the whole.  If you are interested in knowing how you can help people with a chronic illness then do look at Amy Danielle's blog post here. It is a really helpful read.

Be Strong - No!!!!!!!!

Be strong is another of those injunctions that I am trying to get over.  I have spent my life being strong and has my mother and look where that has lead her (a mental health unit) - do I want to go the same way?

I have been reminded this morning my that Still Small Voice of Corinthians 12:10

I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and difficulties for Christ's sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong.   (Good News Bible)

Now I wish I could say that I am content with weakness, but my natural earthly desires are to BE STRONG, which means I have to FIGHT weakness, that immediately puts me into a no win situation.  That means I am belittling Christ on the cross.  If I can do it in my strength why did He die for me???

If only it were as easy as repeating Paul's words with my lips to make my heart believe those words.  Living in the world where people do not know or trust God means I am surrounded by those who really do think the only way through hardship is BEING STRONG.

Today I am going to try and accept my weakness, to accept my inability to put things right, to accept that I can not control what other people say to me or put on me.

Maybe I will then feel the STRENGTH of CHRIST RISING.  The STRENGTH of the RISEN KING.  The STRENGTH of the LORD OF LORDS.  The STRENGTH of the one that has DEFEATED DEATH.

Injunctions.

I have been learning lots of new language in the last few months.  Mainly as the result of going to see a counsellor for the first time.  The one that keep coming back again and again through each session is injunctions.  Now I know the definitions of this word and I am sure that I have used it on occasions, however not in the context of feelings and emotions.

Many of the injunctions that we hear as we are growing up are very regularly used by lots of parents and are well needed - 'Don't do that' can stop a child sticking their fingers in a plug socket.  These are injunctions that we all learn from.  However I have discovered the biggest injunction (an authoritative warning or order) that I ever received that has really restricted my personal growth was 'STOP SHOWING OFF'.  I am sure that I am not the only child that had this said to them.  My problem is that it was said to me all the time, in front of all sorts of people.  Until I have started to really think about what this injunction means, it was just one of those phrases that if I ever heard it made me shrink inside.  So what does 'stop showing off' mean to me:

Don't do that you are embarrassing me.
Stop expressing yourself that way.
That is no way to behave.
No-one is going to like you behaving like that.

All these can be summed up in three words to me - stop being you.  You see, I am naturally extrovert, I don't mind being the centre of attention.  In fact I often thrive on it.  How sad that it has taken me 43 years to get to the point that I can accept this part of me.  I have probably ended up craving far more external validation that is actually healthy just because of this in juncture being so repeatedly handed out as I was trying to find out who I was for myself.

It is a very hard phrase to get rid of, there have been a few occasions when I have even found myself saying or about to say it to my children.  I feel so very grateful to the dear friend who once quietly pointed out to me that I had said it as an adult (in front of my mother to my children).  She did it with such grace knowing how deeply wounded I have always felt by the words.  And I am absolutely positive I have never even considered using it again since.  I have just tried Googling the phrase only to find it filled with really negative expressions.  If people didn't 'show off' how would we get to enjoy the art that other people are able to express by showing it off?  All writers would keep their books in their heads, all artists their pictures, all actors their skills of expression - what a dull and lacking world we would live in. 

So I have decided if you have an urge to 'show off' then do it!