Sorting out Emotions.

There has been so much going on in our household which has caused all of our emotions to be all over the place.  This morning I finally got the chance to sit down with my 10 year old daughter (well lie actually, I was still in bed)!

When you are struggling as an adult to cope with your own emotions it is so easy to overlook the emotions of those you love most.  They do not yet have the maturity to choose a way of letting you know this either.  As adults we can express overload even if it is not in the most helpful way, however at 10 years old life experiences have not yet given you the ability to recognise when you are overloaded.

I had noticed this with my daughter a few days ago.  One of her friends had chosen to do something really amazing for a charity close to her heart - her "Daddy in Heaven" (she was only 3 months old when he died),  had died from cancer.  She is at that stage in her life (she is nine years old) where she is starting to realise that she missed out on knowing who this person was (her older brother does have some memories).  My daughter knew that her friend doing this was stirring uncomfortable feelings inside her.

I saw this acted out by her not particularly wanting to talk about what her friend was doing, getting cross that she had been asked by another friend to sponsor when as a family we already had and then not wanting to look at the photos of the event happening.

She was feeling bad as the only emotion she could recognise was jealousy and yet she did not want to feel jealous.  As we chatted it became very apparent that she did not particularly feel the need to raise money for charity.  She understands well that we sponsor a child and 'give' regularly not just on a monthly basis but also on special occasions like Christmas when we only give very small pressies to each other but shop from places like 'Oxfam Unwrapped' for folks we don't know personally.

We then got on to talking about what it would be like to not have a daddy, which inevitably brought us into a conversation about my niece who lived with us for two years.  Her daddy has clearly shown he does not love her and is probably the main reason why she is now in a secure adolescence unit.  This part of the conversation inevitably brought up sadness for my daughter thinking of all the losses she has suffered in the last three years, her aunty dying, her grandpa dying, her grandma's sanity and her cousin leaving us and my poor health.  She was able to express how jealous she felt of her friends who were not going through the things she is  - a feeling I was able to share with her that I get too!

She did not need any reassurances other than acknowledgement that she was having to cope with an awful lot at the moment and yes on the surface it did seem that none of her friends were.  It was a good feeling when she was however able to identify what trials some of her friends were facing - especially the divorce of parents  something that she could not and does not want to imagine having to face.

That was probably the most productive 30 minutes we have spent together in a while, I know it has not 'solved' everything for her, but it is good to see her bouncy self back again this morning.

Remembering.

If it hadn't been for the second world war I would not exist. 

I say that with no pride, no self pity, just a fact.  There is never a day goes by without me Remembering the sacrifices that many innocent people had to make in the past during times of war.  However it also means I have to continually remember the unwise choices that some made under the circumstances of war that they were involved.

So how can this be?  My mum was conceived by a very young German woman falling in love with an English soldier in 1946 when they were still present in Germany.  She is a War Baby.  His posting ended and he returned to England and no proper contact was ever made again, even when my mum was then "orphaned" by the death of her mother when she was 6 years old.

The ravages and fall out of war reach into every single area of life.  And in every place that these ravages touch, death of some kind is brought about.

There are/were thousands (probably hundreds of thousands) of War Babies.  Children brought into a world struggling for peace, in many places bringing with them shame and damage that will last a life time.

In forty minutes time I will take special time out not only to be remembering the sacrifices that thousands of men made, I will be remembering the thousands more lives that were damaged forever by the action of war.  This will then turn my thoughts back to the present and give me the determination to play any part I can in making my voice heard to bring the Peace which passes all understanding into my world.

Standing Firm

               Photo taken by my 10 year old daughter in Barcelona 2 weeks ago.

The turmoil still rages around me and my family this week.  Dad's sudden death 4 weeks ago tomorrow seems to have been pushed away in my thoughts as meetings have taken place this week both for my niece and for my mum.

My niece is now under a court order to be retained in a secure unit for adolescents.  It's an unusual step for the authorities to take but as she is not classed as having a mental illness (she is just very damaged by her upbringing) it is the only way they can keep her safe.  Outside of being secure she is very likely to continue running away from any residence she is placed in and self harming to the extent that she needs hospital treatment.  My husband and I are now the only people that she has contact with and she is using the power that gives her.  This week we travelled over 2 hours to go and see her and whilst she allowed us to be in one meeting, the more important one she chose to not have us present.  This hurts, though I realise we were the only people not being paid to be at the meeting and the only people she could really exclude.  I am now praying over the next steps to take, she hasn't called us since that meeting whereas she had been calling every night up until then for a couple of weeks.

My mum is still in the throws of her nervous breakdown, she is hallucinating and very very paranoid.  It is very difficult to cope with visiting her, seeing her being really nasty to the staff trying to help her.  She has been in hospital for almost a week now and it is going to take some time for the medication to start working for her.  

But there has been moments of light as well.  My wonderful husband took myself and a great friend to a music concert the other night.  This was made even more special my the artist (Thomas Dolby) coming into the small independent restaurant that we were eating in to eat himself before the show.  And yes husband did have to go and have a few words :o).  I have had contact from some lovely friends and extended family that I haven't been in touch with for a very very long time.  Knowing so many people at church as well as my friends and family are praying is really helping.

One conversation I had with my Fairy Godmother (also known as my Christian mum as she has nursed and nourished me with scripture since I first became a Christian) told me to look at 2 Chronicles 20 during our conversation.  Particularly these verses:

¹⁵ He said: “Listen, King Jehoshaphat and all who live in Judah and Jerusalem! This is what the LORD says to you: ‘Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God’s. ¹⁶ Tomorrow march down against them. They will be climbing up by the Pass of Ziz, and you will find them at the end of the gorge in the Desert of Jeruel. ¹⁷ You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the LORD will give you, Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow, and the LORD will be with you.’”

It is an amazing thing that I have been looking at promises in the bible for a craft project and a work activity day that I am preparing for.  This has taken me into the theology of looking at the promises made in the Bible for ALL people and those that were given to specific people.  However it made me realise through the conversation I had which brought up these verses that God still wants us to listen and learn from the promises that he has made to other people.

So these words that were given to King Jehosphapat are remaining my comfort this week.  They are keeping me going, standing firm.  It is so very reassuring that by doing nothing other than my ordinary stuff I may just see the deliverance of the Lord as Jehosphapat did.  I can only pray that I don't continue to fall like he did as well!

The versatile Blogger Award

I won an award!!!!!!!!!


The lovely Ray over at Daydreamer awarded me this:

Thank you!



I'm pleased to hear that my blog comes across as trying to stay positive against a tide of problems, it certainly does not always feel that way - and oh what Joy I will have when the tide recedes!

Now as I understand it, I have to tell you 5 quirky facts about myself and then nominate 5 more bloggers - 5 quirky facts, now there is a challenge, as I have so many!!!!!!!!!!!

1. In my first job as an office junior when I was 17, if I got all my office work done I was allowed to go and 'play' with the plastic bag making machines!
2. I have sat in the jump seat in the cockpit of a Boeing 747 jumbo jet coming in to land at Los Angeles airport - very scary.
3. I have travelled across the Atlantic to Boston, to meet a fellow blogger for the first time this January.
4. I have to have certain cups for certain drinks at certain times of the day!  15 years on my husband is finally starting to get the hang of it.
5. I once bumped into Robson Green (an English actor) when he was doing some filming at the hospital where I worked as he was on his way to a break, I couldn't resist saying 'that's looks nasty' to his 'blood' splatted bandaged head and body.

And my five blogs nominated to receive this award.

1. Navigating By The Stars - the blog that got me started blogging in the first place.  Gaynor is a fab friend and an inspired home-schooler.
2. 10 Minute Writer - the Boston based home-schooling, novel writing, amazing Christian witness, very funny and creative mother of five gorgeous offspring.
3. Dutch Sisters - A blog that inspires my creativity and gets me starting projects before I have finished the last one :o).
4. Holy Experience - A truly God inspired Blog - what more can I say.
5. Scraps of Starlight - Another creative and God inspired blog with beautiful photographs and simple creative things to do with children.

I could list so many more, but will restrain myself for now, I love this blog world x.

10 Life lessons learnt this week.

1. Suddenly being widowed at the age of 65 when you left home and married at 18 can be the last straw in keeping your sanity.
2. If you do not know a little of how the NHS and more specifically the mental health services work accessing their services is far too complicated.
3. You cannot always trust your neighbours.
4. It doesn't matter how many friends you have, the ones that catch you when you are falling are worth more than gold.
5. In the midst of chaos you can choose to put your spouse and children first and make them very happy.
6. Reflecting on the book of Job in the Bible is a good way to keep slogging on when the going is tough.
7. Dogs emotions are soon affected by the people around them, but are quickly stabilized if you have loved them well from the beginning.
8. If the occasional waft of cigarette smoke is able to make you want one, immerse yourself in the company of a heavy smoker and you will soon loose your craving.
9. 10 year old girls can show love for their 12 year old brothers no matter how much they bug each other.
10. You have to work hard at having no regrets.

My Daddy

We have had a horrible 10 days in our house.  My dear daddy died very suddenly from an aortic aneurysm on the 7th October aged 66 years old.  I live 140 miles away and had no chance to say good bye.  Yesterday was his funeral and here is a copy of the eulogy that I wrote for my husband to read out at the crematorium.  My way of saying good bye.

Colin Richard Budworth was born on the 12^th June 1945. The youngest of 4 children to Ada and Stan Budworth.  

Derbyshire born and Derbyshire bred, thick in the arm but most definitely not in the head.  We have loved listening to Dad’s tales of his adventures as a boy helping his Dad out with jobs, singing in the church choir and listening to the Goon show with his brother, sharing an ear piece to listen while they were in bed.

As a young man he took on his apprenticeship with the railway with all seriousness.  He still knew how to take time out to enjoy himself though, going camping in the dales with friends and even a holiday trip abroad in his first little van with a friend.

Then of course there was  that fate filled holiday he took with his friend Ken to the Isle of Wight – Ventnor to be exact.  I now know that it was most definitely love at first sight.  How do I know this, not because mum has told me but because I have had the great honour of being allowed to read the love letters that he started to write on the train home from that holiday to my 16 year old mum.  This was the summer of 63.  By the spring of 64 mum moved up from Kingston upon Thames to Derby to be just a few doors away from his home.  That is when the written letters stopped but when the love story had really only just started.

Dad finished his apprenticeship, they got married and the world was their oyster.  In fact they actually got married and then he finished his apprenticeship, even though Dad’s mum wrote a very loving letter to mum saying that they should really wait until afterwards.  At 19 and 18 they grew into being adults together.   Right to the end my dad adored my mum and  I am sure you all know that the feeling was absolutely mutely.  46 years of marriage might sound a lot but I know my mum would have loved to have had a little more time.

You all know that dad was an absolute master craftsman, a cabinet maker extraordinaire.  His creations have adorned the homes of members of the Beetles been sold in shops as grand as Harrods, and adorned stately homes.  It might have taken my mum 17 years to get her coffee table from him, but boy was it worth waiting for.

Another thing you might not realise is that my dad was a pioneer.  This is on a subject that is now written about, talked about on the radio and generally accepted as a basic need for all men.  What is this thing you might think – His Shed.  As kids once home from his day job, he would disappear off into his shed for a couple of hours before tea.  If anyone telephoned, you said he was in the shed and that was that.  If anyone came to see him, they knew they would have to go and talk to him in his shed.  Of course dad was not disappearing into his shed to just get away from it all, as the modern notion now takes you, he was working.  This was not just to keep mum, john me and Sally, but also to help fulfil his dream of having his own business – even if he didn’t realise this at the time.  It was one of the many occasions that mum managed to cajole him into doing what he really wanted to do.  My memories of my dad working away in his workshop will stay with me forever, never was there a happier man than my dad in his workshop in Shardlow.

There has been too much heart ache this last few years.  Dad’s stroke 18 months ago was an indicator to us of how much strain he had been under.  However nothing has prepared us for him leaving us so quickly.  We have some comfort in knowing that he died painlessly and peacefully but it does not stop our hearts from breaking at the thought of continuing in life without him.

But continue we will because we know that is what he would have liked to see, he would be so proud of how mum is coping so far.  It is also a comfort to know that his five grandchildren have all had the opportunity to get to know their grandpa and they will treasure their memories as we do ours.

I hope you are all able to treasure your memories from all the different parts of dads life that brought you into contact with each other.  He was and is and always will  be a remarkable, one in a million to us.

Quiet

We have been having a couple of quiet weeks at home for a change.  My counselling has started - now I knew that would be hard work but hadn't quite expected it to be as hard as it is!

I have been quietly crafting, doing a little crochet, a bit of beading and a little more crochet.  Work has been busy so I have been saying 'no' to a lot of social invitations.  My energy levels are still very low and my mood up and down like a yo yo but we are quiet.

My niece has been in touch by email, so we now know where she is, this has taken some stress away.  She sounds happyish and I am sure we will go and see her, however we are not rushing.

We have been experiencing some extraordinary weather this last week which we have managed to take advantage of.  My other half and I went and spent a most luxurious 3 hours by the sea while the children were at school last week.  That is where the photo at the top of the page was taken.  When we got there we had the beach to ourselves:

I took a book but spent the whole day watching the water

 The tide slowly moved in, we even had to move twice!

 I found it totally mesmerising.

 And I think my puppy dog had fun to - she does like to find a feather!