Where I am.

Sorry to have not been around much dear readers, the stress of the last few years has finally caught up with me.  There has been so much change and this week has brought some more.  The photo above is of my two babies (oooh they do hate it when I call them that!) walking to their primary school together for the last time.  Realistically I know that it is probably the last time they will ever walk to school together. So yesterday was the start of their school summer holidays and off they went together to the park 10 minutes away from us for a couple of hours by themselves!  Now that is going to take some getting used to - they are getting all grown up.

I am doing something new to try and get back on track, I am going to have therapy.   Eeeek what am I letting myself in for.  God has been so good to me and managed to quiet me enough to let me hear the advice of my doctor, my employers and my friends.  In fact one friend has cunningly told me that if I did it, it might make her brave enough to go and get help on a specific issue. I'm sure she knew that giving me a reason that made me feel as though I might be helping someone else would work!  I am using a Christian charity based locally, that was on the advice of my lovely employers and my Christian family doctor.

Yesterday I had my initial session, for them to assess what they feel they will be able to offer me, it wasn't a therapy session.  However I am amazed at the insights that were revealed to me as I just talked. I won't be starting properly until after the school holidays.  It feels important that this is something I do in my time and not the time I have for my children, so I have requested appointments during their school day which I can fit my work around.  This will also give me time to complete the summer holiday clubs that I am running at the beginning and end of the holidays at work.

I realise that it is going to be hard work, your prayers would be very much appreciated.  Where I can I will try and share what I am learning about myself.

Thanks for bearing with me.   Jane x.

Being Still

I have been dipping in and out of an amazing little book the last few weeks

I was given it many years ago when I was a new Christian and to be honest never really 'got' it.  However in the last few years I have dipped into it and found it a really good aid to prayer and for encouraging me to get into my Bible more.

It is split into daily readings which are dated and I generally will look around the date that it is to find something to catch my eye.  The day before yesterday the reading I looked at was all about Being Still.  It was a reflection on what happens in life when storms are raging (rather pertinent for me at the mo!).  It reflected on the way Jesus taught, when in a storm his words to the storm were Be Still, there were no instructions given to the disciples (just a little expressed exasperation!).  However when Jesus had much teaching to impart, he takes his disciples (and sometimes thousands of others) to hill sides, to beaches, quiet places.

I find this so reassuring.  I know that the stormy experiences I am going through at the moment are going to change me some what.  It is lovely though to remember that I do not need to try and work out what those things are while the storms are raging.  All I need to do is Trust Him and let him tell those storms to Be Still.

When you realise what you have been praying.

A few weeks ago I wrote this post  about finding a phrase that I was using like a mantra when my stress levels were spiralling.  The phrase was 'Jesus shine your light'.  Since then not a lot has changed on the outside, if anything for the week after I started things got considerably worse in the situations I was praying for His light to shine.  It wasn't until I went to see my Fairy God Mother last week that she shone a little light on what I was saying.

When you ask Jesus to shine His light on situations you are going to see everything illuminated - not just good stuff.  Maybe what is happening inside of me now is the revelation the Light can give.  When his light is shining and illuminating situations, the cracks, the brokenness will be revealed, they can no longer hide shrouded in darkness and secrecy.

How amazing that God can answer prayers that we are praying without us even realising what we are saying/praying.

Of course now that His light is shining and those dark areas are being lit by His light, His healing can come in to restore and renew.  I wonder what other prayers I am saying that I do not realise the fullness of yet?  Has anyone else had this sort of experience?

Continuing to count my blessings with the Gratitude community today.

595. Dirt in the bath as the water empties and the dog stands clean.
596. Time to talk.
597. Quiet times in my Green Room.
598. Messy kitchen, happy daughter, lots of cakes.
599. Tears of sorrow.
600. Pink flowers.
601. A weeks washing drying on the line despite the showers.
602. Goodbye and Goodnight kisses from both my children.
603. The encouragement of fellow bloggers.
604. The facebook chat with a person I can't talk to at the moment.

The Green Room

As the decision has most finally been made that my niece will not be coming back to live with us we have decided to turn her old bedroom back into a room we can use.  It is only a little room but we decided to keep a bed in here to be a guest room (which is a good job as it has been used already). My husband suggested that it would be good to let the children keep their musical instruments and stands up in this room to encourage them to play a little more often (their rooms are not very big either).  I rather fancied being able to have somewhere to sit and be quiet.  The result is - The Green Room.

The walls have been painted Dulux Putting Green, it took two coats of paint, but we only used a small tin :o).

The mirror was already in situ.  The two little white wooden shelves are from Ikea

The chair was a bargain buy from ikea for just £40.00 it is cream and so I have covered it with a throw which will hopefully help it to wear a little better.  All the pictures we already have, the three on the same wall are cross stitch embroideries that I did in the early 1990's.  The iris picture was made by my sister and given to us as a present in 2004.

The little bedside table was another good purchase for just under £40.00, the lamp was £5.00 these were both from The Range.  The lovely little green glass candle holders were £1.00 from ikea and I already had the beautiful holding cross lying on the table.

One of my favourite things in this room are the curtains and the bedcover.  These have been in storage for 12 years!  I made them for a little room we had in our first house.  I had completely forgotten I had made three curtains and it took some thinking to remember where the third one went - it was over the door as the door had glass panels to lighten up an otherwise very dark hallway.  This is perfect as the extra curtain works great as a bedcover over the top of the bedding so that does not get grubby from the children using the room to play their music.  We purchased the wooden curtain pole for £15.00, the lightshade from the Fairtrade Shop which is local to us for £10.00 and three cushions from the Range to give the bed that bit more of a comfy look.

This is my one real extravagance for the room, I saw it and just could not resist, it was not very expensive and I think it just adds that last little something to what has become a very peace filled room.

The extra advantage of making this room so cosy and peaceful is that it is always a place where I know I can always go and pray for my niece, feeling extra close to her, as it was the room where she laid her head for 2 whole years.

What I love about Facebook (and God)

I have just had a most lovely surprise, but first let me set the scene.  I have been on facebook for around 3 years now.  In all that time I have never done a cull of my accumulated friends.  Part of the reason for that is because I have tried to be very wise with whom I have friended in the first place.  However no matter how hard I tried there were still a few that I did press accept to without thinking very hard about it.  I thought hard about the people who I was going to delete, my criteria was roughly

• how often do I correspond with them 
• how often do they correspond with me
• has facebook enhanced our relationship
• will either they or me lose anything by deleting them.

The last one was the hardest by far and I have to trust God that I have made the correct decisions on the few that went because of this point. I deleted over 25 people!  A lot of these were people who I had come into contact with through kinship caring pages.  It feels right as I am no longer caring for my niece to put a little distance between myself and those that are.  I have kept a couple who I have made a connection with, one of whom has gone through a similar scenario causing her to no longer care for her nieces and another who lives near by and I would like to be able to continue supporting her (and catching the odd coffee together).  I can still use the kinship care pages and am sure that all those affected will understand my reasons.  It felt very good, like having a good spring clean once I had done it.

So what is the lovely surprise?  This evening I have been 'found' on facebook by a wonderful lady who was my line manager when I last worked as an Occupational Therapist in West London.  The surprise is heightened for me because she is a self confessed technophobe!  It is almost 12 years since I worked with her, computers were only just coming into our offices and she hated them.  Since them we have kept in contact at Christmas, met up occasionally and exchanged the odd e-mail, but facebook would be one of the last places I would have expected her to be using.  She is a fantastic 'quiet' Christian, extolling all the virtues that St Francis of Assisi extolled.  I worked in a lovely little 'dream team' with a Christian physiotherapist and social worker as well as this lovely lady.

It feels like a lovely little gift from my oh so loving Father.  I so need the wisdom, love and prayers of those that love Jesus at the moment.  As previous posts may have indicated I am struggling with depression, which affects all areas of my life at the moment.  Daily decisions like what I should make for tea, can be so difficult and it only takes one small upset to totally floor me.  I am clinging on though.  I was reminded by a fellow twitterer earlier of 2Corinthians  chapter 4 verses16 to 18:

¹⁶ Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. ¹⁷ For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. ¹⁸ So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

Praise God!

Hopes and Prayers for my children.

What are the hopes and prayers that I have for the children that my husband and I through God created?

• For them to know they are loved by both their parents and by God.
• To care and be there for each other through life's ups and downs.
• To grow old in each others company joining future families together.
• To care for the physical world in which they grow up in.
• To never loose the desire to keep learning through all life's experiences.
• To stand as a constant witness for God to all those they meet in life.
• To care for their bodies and minds when we as parents no longer can.
• To seek and ask us as parents for help and guidance no matter what our ages or the circumstances.
• To continually give themselves time to search themselves with God to have their hearts desires revealed to them.
• To know that it is okay for them to say no sometimes (except when I am telling them to do something ;o)).

Finding what helps.

When my mind is buzzing going over and over all the things that have been said or done or should have been said or done, I really struggle.

I have tried all sorts of ways to hand my 'troubles' to Jesus, however I always seem to manage to take them right back and then feel bad for doing that as well!

I have tried using mental pictures, of lying my troubles at the cross or at Jesus's feet.

I have tried writing the problems down and putting them into a 'Jesus' box, or burning them.

I have prayed - oh how I have prayed.

I have put worship music or songs on and tried to turn my face towards worship, but the troubles are still there as soon as I stop.

I have tried to continue with counting my blessings, even when I really haven't wanted to.

This week however I have found something new.  It all started when I had to take a trip to see someone, I knew it was going to possibly drain me for the rest of the day.  I was scared that I was going to say the wrong thing.  I prayed.  That 'still small voice' then spoke to me - "Shine my light".
I started to repeat over and over "Jesus shine your light".  Every time a thought that would conjure up negative or useless feelings I started again.  I wonder how many times I said it in the following 24 hours.  And I am still saying it now.  It has the most amazing effect.  The thoughts disappear and I am able to concentrate on where and how I can shine with the light of Jesus and where I just need to ask Him to shine in the dark places I cannot reach.