Monday, 15 September 2014

Holiday On My Own - Part Two - What I did and learnt about myself.

I put lots of pictures up in my last blog showing where I went on my first solo holiday.  So what did I do with myself for 5 whole days by myself......

I dipped in and out the pool from morning till evening!

I did lots and lots of reading.

I did a fair amount of knitting, this was however abruptly ended on the third day by me dropping a knitting needle on the decking and watching it disappear between the gap!

There was a little bit of sketching
I did take my watercolours with me, however inspiration to pick those up did not strike.

I also had a few short walks around the grounds and in the village, though this had to be done first thing in the morning before it got too hot!

My husband had  lent me his MP3 player, so especially while I was knitting, I was also listening to music.  The music for this holiday was
  1. Hounds of Love by Kate Bush
  2. Song from the Big Chair by Tears for Fears
  3. A selection of Robert Palmer tracks.

And that was about it, though I did also learn some more about myself.

  • I find it very hard to stop planning out my days!  I wrote a little about my health recently here.  This post explains a lot about why I have to plan out my days when I am in the throws of family life.  What I hadn't realised was how hard it it to shake off the habit when I don't need to be considering anyone else's needs of me during the day.  It wasn't until day three that I clocked that I was still doing this.  I was sat by the pool and going over and over in my head  what my plan for the day was going to be, fitting in swimming and eating when I suddenly  realised that I didn't HAVE to do either of those things if I didn't want to!  More importantly I certainly did not need to plan for them.  It was such fun to find myself making the decision to do what I felt like from one moment to the next, rather than having it planned.  So meals happened when I was hungry, which was not much as I was doing so little!  Swimming happened when I felt like it.  I showered and went to bed when I was tired.  It was all so liberating.
  • When I stop talking with people I seem to also be able to quiet the voices in my head.  Over the 5 days I spoke only to be polite or to acknowledge the presence of others.  Once an older chap tried to get me to sit and chat over food, but I was able to politely decline his invitation and stay by myself.  I can only believe that this is the reason the internal voices in my head (except the organising ones as explained above) stopped too.  In fact the negative voices that seem to often abound within me appeared to go on holiday too!  Instead I was able to watch folks, creating stories in my head about them - this was lots of fun!  I also spent a lot of time being thankful for the moments.  Like the moment when I was lounging in the pool and it suddenly dawned on me that I was so happy with that moment.  If I never got to have that moment again, that would be fine, no one can take it away from me.
  • I love the liberation of being independent.  I guess because of my health and the needs of my family in my day to day routines I am always dependent on help.  This might be in the form of husband or friends doing lifts in the evening for my children to attend their out of school activities.  Relying on my husband and children to keep the house clean and doing the shopping and sometimes the cooking.  Relying on others to get things for me (particularly from upstairs at home!).  These might sound like small things but they are things that I just cannot do independently.  While away, a lot of things were taken care of for me.  The room was tidied and cleaned everyday.  Breakfast only involved a short walk to the restaurant. Meals only required me to request them!  I now have a slightly better understanding of when my children used to get mad at me when they were little because they wanted to do stuff  'by myself'!
  • The internet is fabulous.  Being able to have short written conversations with my family every day meant I never felt lonely.  I knew that I could skype or chat properly if necessary but just having wifi meant that I was fully in control of when I conversed.  

I have returned home with a great feeling of accomplishment as well as feeling very relaxed and ready to do 'normal' life again.  If I get the chance to do this again I will jump at it.  If I don't, then I shall know that I did it and loved it and will always be very grateful for it.

Many Blessings to you x.

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