Tangled Emotions.

Do you ever wonder why you react to some situations as you do?  I have had a really hard time adjusting to my eldest child going off to university.  Now I know that I am not the first mother to feel loss in this situation.  However this feeling has been troubling me as much as the loss!  I was fortunate to go and visit her for the last few days but the journey home today has been extremely long and very emotional.

So I've had plenty of thinking time!

Every loss you experience changes the way you grieve.  This isn't always a negative thing, though I think in my case it does make me appear a little hard, especially when older people who have had the opportunity to experience a long life die.  I am not trying to imply that the grief people who lose an elderly relative or friend is any less worthy,  it is simply my reaction to the loss that I sometimes feel a little embarrassed by.  What I have discovered though is when I experience another loss in my life my emotions end up so tangled that it can take me some time to understand what is really the issue.

My beautiful first born is loving university life.  The only thing she doesn't really like at all is doing her laundry! (Though she was doing it when I arrived).  She appears to be adapting really well, making new friends, joining in with new groups, finding the studying interesting (how on earth does anyone find Maths interesting!).  She was interested to ask what was going on at home and in our area but it is was very obvious to me that she is not homesick at all.

So I have been giving myself a hard time because I have wanted her to be homesick!  I knew this was not how I really wanted to feel but have been a little bewildered by why these feelings are there.  So I have been wrestling with all this and I think I am starting to understand where all these feelings are mixed up.  I left home as soon as I could, by 18 I was working and had my own rented room (I really cannot ever say it was a proper home) and I was never homesick, if anything I just couldn't wait to be away from my family.  So what I think I have been doing is thinking that because I didn't get homesick that my daughter isn't for the same reason.  Now for those of you that know even just a little of what the last 10 years have been like in our home you might understand where this tangle has come from.

Enough!!!!! Can I try and start believing that my dear husband and I have just done a good job getting our eldest ready for leaving home?  I hope we can and that she continue to flourish as she journeys into adulthood.  She did tell me she misses me when I said I missed her, to which I did obviously reply "thank you, that was the right answer".

Access Denied.

There is one thing that really makes me cross (truthfully there is more than one thing!!!), when public buildings are inaccessible for people with mobility problems.

I was summoned to jury service, great, the last time I was called up I was working and was running a course at the same time, my boss wrote to have it deferred and instead they just cancelled it.  So when this came through in the summer it felt good that I was going to get another opportunity.  I returned all my forms, they have a space to add any personal requirements, so I shared my mobility issues and needs.  I then had a phone call from our local courts asking if I would like a pre-court visit to check accessibility for me.

Today I went only to discover that the place is totally inaccessible for anyone needed to use a chair or scooter.  How can this be!!!!  Why should I be disabled by a building?  Now just to add insult to injury, I was then told that I had to phone the main jury office and ask them to find me a more accessible court within reasonable distance from my home.  I did this only to be told I needed to write an email detailing exactly what the problems were.

Surely I am not the first person with mobility issues they have had to deal with.  Surely when they read my needs they must have known straight away that I would not be able to do all the stairs required to get into the court and down to the deliberating room.  Apparently there is full access to the public gallery - great, I can watch people in the jury box but not be one.

I know it is not the end of the world but sometimes when you are having a crap week and then have to spend what little energy you have doing something that is completely fruitless I get cross and a little frustrated.

So that's it, my rant is over.  I have written the email, I've had an automated reply to say that they have received it but it may take them 5 working days to get back to me.  So now my only job is to not let it get me down any more.  Fortunately I have lots of other pressing needs that need my attention!!