Trying to be Me

Hope

2012-01-26T16:16:00.000Z

I love this description from wikipedia of what hope is:

Hope is the emotional state, the opposite of which is despair, which promotes the belief in a positive outcome related to events and circumstances in one's life.

We went to see more of the new place that our niece is now staying at this morning. It is a secure forensic psychiatric unit. We were introduced to her key nurse, her occupational therapist, the family therapist (who we know from a previous placement) and her in house mental health social worker.

This is the end of the line for our niece, there is nowhere more secure that can keep her safe from harming herself. It is a national unit and is filled with professionals who are very used to the self destructive behaviour that she is displaying. Since going there 4 weeks ago, her behaviour has probably worsened a little more, there is certainly no improvement. However we know now from our experiences of the last 6 months that this is because she is testing boundaries. So far she has managed to test boundaries to the point where she has been moved on to another placement. This time there is no where for her to move on to.

We were asked how we were feeling about her being there. The only response we could give was hopeful. I certainly did not feel this while she was at the last placement. And what else could we answer? I do not wish to feel despair.

Romans 15:13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

Trusting God to watch over this dear 14 year old is so difficult, however having no hope would be even more difficult.

Two days ago we had my grandma's funeral. We were inside the crematorium for approximately 2 1/2 minutes. Hardly time to sit down before we were standing up and leaving. There were three of us present, my mum, my brother and me - all the 'family' that she had left. There were no friends, no fond memories expressed, no expressions of legacy that will keep her to mind. Maybe that is what happens when you loose hope? You become lost in the world.

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Through the Eyes of my daughter.

2012-01-23T18:54:00.000Z

My 11 year old daughter has had the camera out, these pictures of hers capture some real blessings.

690. A walk with my family.

691. The rotten stuff in our lives being washed away.

692. Love that knows no boundaries.

693. Sunshine.

694. Long legged shadows.

695. My secure fortress.

696. My rock.

697. Blue sky and green grass.

698. Sea spray on our faces.

699. The eyes that saw it all.

15 Uneventful Days of 2012.

2012-01-17T10:00:00.001Z

Well I got to 16 days of a new year before anything too negative has happened. I am now trying to see the new negative as a positive. Yesterday afternoon I had to go and tell my mother that her mother had died. She was 92 years old and had been in a state of severe dementia living in a nursing home for the last 3 years.

It was not totally unexpected (92 years is a very good innings). Personally it is something I have to confess I have been praying to happen for a while. In one of my very early posts to this blog which you can find here is a very brief sketch of my mums early life. Over the last three years I have heard more stories and know more facts about the life she had with her the Aunt and Uncle that adopted her. It is not nice stuff, in fact I can not recall a single 'nice' thing that I have been told.

Mum has often said to me that she would not shed any tears when her mum went. She didn't when her 'father' died back in 1992. His funeral was very swift and brief attended only by my mum and her 'mother', no words, no flowers.

However I was still very nervous about delivering the news last night. My mum was discharged last week from a local (to me) psychiatric unit after a 10 week stay preceded by a breakdown immediately after my father died back in October. She got the keys to a lovely little detached bungalow last Wednesday. She is renting it for 6 months to see how she feels about living in the south of England as opposed to the east midlands where she has been for the last 44 years. Last Sunday my brother brought down most of her possessions from her old house and we spent the day setting up her new one. There were some tears, it felt odd, a bit like bringing Dad down too (he had made most of the furniture).

You might now see where my nerves were coming from. Mum is still very fragile, we sat for a couple of hours, not saying much. Just a few bitter and angry words. I have spoken with her this morning and she says she was able to sleep last night. I knew that the coming few weeks were going to be testing for her before yesterdays events happened. Your prayers for her, my brother and me would be much appreciated.

Loving Yourself.

2012-01-06T11:03:00.001Z

I was challenged yesterday with the "question do you love yourself?" When I found it hard to answer I was asked "Are there any times you can think of when you have loved yourself?". I was completely stumped.

Being the cautious person I am I did not immediately jump in with what immediately came into my head (that is to answer categorically no). However when I started to contemplate the second question all I could think of were things about be that I love - products of me - gifts and abilities that I have. Does that mean that if I did not have these abilities then I would not love anything about me?

I have spent some time 'googling' around this subject and looking through my bible to discover that there is very little about loving yourself. The Bible tells us that as we were made in the image of God (Genesis 1:27). We are also told that God is love (1John 4:8), so does that mean we were made to be love as well?

The only Bible verse that seems to say anything about loving ourselves is where a verse from Leviticus (19:14) is reiterated through the New Testament which says we must love our neighbour as ourselves. So is the presumption I take from this, the presumption that we were made/created to love ourselves?

Certainly if I consider back to when my children were born, they had no shame, and even when able to express themselves gave no indication that they did not think that they were special and loved and therefore lovable of themselves. How sad then that when I speak with my 10 year old daughter now, she can real off lots and lots of things that she does like about herself - does this mean that she already does not love herself?

The only other Bible verses that are coming into my head are the ones about how much God loves me, there is Luke 12:7

"Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows."

and from Psalm 139:13

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb."

For now I think I am just going to hold onto these promises to me from God of how much he loves me and hope and pray that I might just grow to discover either that I do love myself or at least know that I can.

Looking Backwards and Forwards.

2012-01-02T10:16:00.000Z

There is nothing like counting your blessings, especially when you start to feel as though nothing good happens. It has been great spending the Christmas break thinking of all the things that I have learnt or done over the last 12 months. I know I usually count my blessings by counting the everyday things that happen in life, however today I feel that I need to consider some of the bigger things to.

680. Learning how to crochet.
681. Taking a solo trip to meet a new friend in Boston, USA.
682. Having a fabulous family holiday with the four of us.
683. Finally getting all the rooms in the house decorated and made by us.
684. Learning how to say no to significant people.
685. Learning how to put my children and husband first.
686. Keeping my job going through very rough times.
687. Learning how to say yes when help is offered.
688. Finding new books and resources that have helped me stay close to God.
689. Sticking with a craft project for months and months (and still continuing) knowing that it will be so worth it in the end.

Chatting with a friend the other day, also made me realise that I am starting 2012 in a very different place to where I started 2011. It has certainly been a year of challenges but also a year of growth. I can look forward to 2012 with great anticipation of what new things I will learn, and what skills I might develop.

I have no idea at the moment what shape the next 12 months will take on, but I do know that
"I can do all things through Him who strengthen me" Philippians 4:13.

Helping people with a chronic illness.

2011-12-31T12:28:00.001Z

I have just read this blog and think it puts so eloquently what I would like to say about having a chronic illness that I am not even going to try and use my own words. The post is all about how people can care for others with a chronic illness. Fortunately my rheumatoid arthritis has not giving me too much hassle pain wise this last year. However it is still there, I am still taking lots of very toxic drugs, I still have to be very very careful about how much I do as exhaustion comes very quickly. This means that apart from my walking stick that I use my illness is quite invisible on the whole. If you are interested in knowing how you can help people with a chronic illness then do look at Amy Danielle's blog post here. It is a really helpful read.

Be Strong - No!!!!!!!!

2011-12-13T10:35:00.000Z

Be strong is another of those injunctions that I am trying to get over. I have spent my life being strong and has my mother and look where that has lead her (a mental health unit) - do I want to go the same way?

I have been reminded this morning my that Still Small Voice of Corinthians 12:10

I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and difficulties for Christ's sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (Good News Bible)

Now I wish I could say that I am content with weakness, but my natural earthly desires are to BE STRONG, which means I have to FIGHT weakness, that immediately puts me into a no win situation. That means I am belittling Christ on the cross. If I can do it in my strength why did He die for me???

If only it were as easy as repeating Paul's words with my lips to make my heart believe those words. Living in the world where people do not know or trust God means I am surrounded by those who really do think the only way through hardship is BEING STRONG.

Today I am going to try and accept my weakness, to accept my inability to put things right, to accept that I can not control what other people say to me or put on me.

Maybe I will then feel the STRENGTH of CHRIST RISING. The STRENGTH of the RISEN KING. The STRENGTH of the LORD OF LORDS. The STRENGTH of the one that has DEFEATED DEATH.

Injunctions.

2011-12-01T15:37:00.001Z

I have been learning lots of new language in the last few months. Mainly as the result of going to see a counsellor for the first time. The one that keep coming back again and again through each session is injunctions. Now I know the definitions of this word and I am sure that I have used it on occasions, however not in the context of feelings and emotions.

Many of the injunctions that we hear as we are growing up are very regularly used by lots of parents and are well needed - 'Don't do that' can stop a child sticking their fingers in a plug socket. These are injunctions that we all learn from. However I have discovered the biggest injunction (an authoritative warning or order) that I ever received that has really restricted my personal growth was 'STOP SHOWING OFF'. I am sure that I am not the only child that had this said to them. My problem is that it was said to me all the time, in front of all sorts of people. Until I have started to really think about what this injunction means, it was just one of those phrases that if I ever heard it made me shrink inside. So what does 'stop showing off' mean to me:

Don't do that you are embarrassing me.
Stop expressing yourself that way.
That is no way to behave.
No-one is going to like you behaving like that.

All these can be summed up in three words to me - stop being you. You see, I am naturally extrovert, I don't mind being the centre of attention. In fact I often thrive on it. How sad that it has taken me 43 years to get to the point that I can accept this part of me. I have probably ended up craving far more external validation that is actually healthy just because of this in juncture being so repeatedly handed out as I was trying to find out who I was for myself.

It is a very hard phrase to get rid of, there have been a few occasions when I have even found myself saying or about to say it to my children. I feel so very grateful to the dear friend who once quietly pointed out to me that I had said it as an adult (in front of my mother to my children). She did it with such grace knowing how deeply wounded I have always felt by the words. And I am absolutely positive I have never even considered using it again since. I have just tried Googling the phrase only to find it filled with really negative expressions. If people didn't 'show off' how would we get to enjoy the art that other people are able to express by showing it off? All writers would keep their books in their heads, all artists their pictures, all actors their skills of expression - what a dull and lacking world we would live in.

So I have decided if you have an urge to 'show off' then do it!

Seasonal Blessings.

2011-11-29T12:43:00.001Z

Somehow Monday seemed to come around too quickly, however with all the good stuff God has been showering on me I could not bear to let the week begin (even if it is on a Tuesday) without writing down some blessings.

670. Cosy bed, cosy duvet, cosy pillows, twisted and pummelled to be in just the right place for my aching body.
671. A book coming through the letterbox.
672. A thank you note that melted my heart.
673. The beginning of Advent, a time to stop, watch and wait.
674. Complete peace over unconsumerising Christmas this year.
675. The bread maker quietly working away in the kitchen.
676. Blustery winds trying to take the many remaining leaves from the trees.
677. My window cleaner asking after my mum.
678. The many children I am getting to speak to about Advent and God's promises.
679. Writing advent cards to our many God-children.

Happy Advent Season to you all x x x x x

Just the tonic.

2011-11-26T19:00:00.001Z

Now those of you that know me well - I am not talking about the sort of tonic that I like to have with my gin!! Thank you so much for all your prayers over the last few days. I have felt your support, it has got me through a very busy few days at work.

I have ended up in bed this afternoon with a body that is very un-happy. I have felt a flare of my rhematoid arthritis to be on the way all week and have just tried to ignore it. It is amazing how with a bit of mind over matter this can actually work for a while. However everything has it's limit and I am very thankful to God that he shows me mine before I completely crash.

So swallowing my pride I have taken to my bed, I have read a little, I have snoozed a little, I have felt sorry for myself a lot! In the quietness though that Still Small Voice managed to pierce my wallowing. I was reminded of a facebook chat that I had with a dear friend this week when I was at a very low ebb. She had mentioned some youtube videos that she had been watching and found really helpful on her quest for a better self image. This is a quest that we both share. The person she mentioned was Joyce Meyer. One of those names that seems to always ring a bell in Christian circles but I can never quite remember whether I have read any of her books or not. I now know that I have never listened to her speak.

This lady speaks with such passion and this video especially (though all three parts are excellent) was just the tonic that I needed to hear this afternoon. I have let my lovely husband metaphorically wash my feet this afternoon, something that I don't always find comfortable to do, however the pain killers are now kicking in. I might even be able to get up before I go back to bed tonight! If you have the time to listen to some of this ladies videos then I encourage you to do so. The advertising gets a little tiresome, but the teaching is worth bearing with it.

Spirtual Attacks.

2011-11-23T20:29:00.001Z

I have had a really bad today, after a really fabulous evening last night with the volunteers who have come forward to help me with a children's activity day at church which is happening this coming Saturday.

My husband and I have had a really tough week communicating with each other after spending lots of time together working for Jesus last weekend.

As I am watching and participating in an amazing movement of God in our area, my family (outside of the 4 of us) is falling apart.

I would really value some prayer from those of you who Believe. I realise that some people might feel very uncomfortable reading this and may not even understand what I am writing. However I think I may have been keeping quiet on this issue for too long.

So now I am shouting it out - it feels very self indulgent, but I know my Faith needs the support of fellow believers. Many thanks x x x x x

Gratitude.

2011-11-21T16:40:00.001Z

I have been working abroad this weekend - doesn't that sound grand! I was asked to go and do a children's group (with my hubby) for the Armed Forces Christian Union who were having a ladies weekend for military women and wives. I was asked back in the summer and despite all recent events really felt the need to go and do this. We were at Church House in Lubbeckke in Germany. The sleeping accommodation was typical forces, though the building was old and had a very interesting history. The food on the other hand was amazing, 3 cooked meals a day available, all eaten in a room designed by a naval architect, who had managed to make you feel as though you were in a ship! Every morsel eaten with silver cutlery and deserts out of silver bowls - what decadence! It turned out that there were only 5 children registered to come along and when we arrived this had shrunk to 4, a set of 8 year old twins and a 9 year old with a 4 year old sister. Because of the number it was a very demanding time however meeting lots of lovely Christian ladies and spending good quality time with my husband was great.

It was hard work to get out of bed this morning to get on with my real life jobs, at work and home, but continue with gratitude I will:

660. Central heating.
661. Sparkling stars on clear nights.
662. Happy children and therefore happy mums.
663. The opportunity to plant (spiritual) seeds.
664. The opportunity to water (spiritual) seedlings.
665. Watching children playing hide and seek.
666. Feeling Gods Spirit moving in and around me.
667. A lift to the airport.
668. Listening ears.
669. Sitting drinking coffee watching the world go by.

Back to Basics

2011-11-15T14:16:00.001Z

It has been far too long since I wrote down any weekly blessings. This is a practise that I have been doing since 5th January 2010 following the example of Ann Voskamp (click the link at the bottom of this post) - you can see that first post here.
My dear husband pointed out to me the other day that it was a long time since I had written any down. How quickly our eyes can be distracted by life, so today I will start again to count my many blessings.

650. Opportunities to travel.
651. My lovely little car staying healthy!
652. Having a quick lunch in the car between jobs, but having the most amazing view.
653. Hugs from friends.
654. An evening to catch up on some favourite tv programmes.
655. Brilliant autumn colours in the middle of November.
656. My growing wave patterned crochetted blanket.
657. Time to gather promises from the bible.
658. Creative ideas swirling in my head.
659. My 10 year old girl's growing sense of humour and the laughter that it brings.

I am so pleased to be able to get these down. It does help to try and keep our woes in context. There are amazing things happening as well. Work is providing me with the opportunity to get immersed in some really fun activities - maybe I might actually get round to blogging about some of those over on my work blog!

Sorting out Emotions.

2011-11-13T10:50:00.001Z

There has been so much going on in our household which has caused all of our emotions to be all over the place. This morning I finally got the chance to sit down with my 10 year old daughter (well lie actually, I was still in bed)!

When you are struggling as an adult to cope with your own emotions it is so easy to overlook the emotions of those you love most. They do not yet have the maturity to choose a way of letting you know this either. As adults we can express overload even if it is not in the most helpful way, however at 10 years old life experiences have not yet given you the ability to recognise when you are overloaded.

I had noticed this with my daughter a few days ago. One of her friends had chosen to do something really amazing for a charity close to her heart - her "Daddy in Heaven" (she was only 3 months old when he died), had died from cancer. She is at that stage in her life (she is nine years old) where she is starting to realise that she missed out on knowing who this person was (her older brother does have some memories). My daughter knew that her friend doing this was stirring uncomfortable feelings inside her.

I saw this acted out by her not particularly wanting to talk about what her friend was doing, getting cross that she had been asked by another friend to sponsor when as a family we already had and then not wanting to look at the photos of the event happening.

She was feeling bad as the only emotion she could recognise was jealousy and yet she did not want to feel jealous. As we chatted it became very apparent that she did not particularly feel the need to raise money for charity. She understands well that we sponsor a child and 'give' regularly not just on a monthly basis but also on special occasions like Christmas when we only give very small pressies to each other but shop from places like 'Oxfam Unwrapped' for folks we don't know personally.

We then got on to talking about what it would be like to not have a daddy, which inevitably brought us into a conversation about my niece who lived with us for two years. Her daddy has clearly shown he does not love her and is probably the main reason why she is now in a secure adolescence unit. This part of the conversation inevitably brought up sadness for my daughter thinking of all the losses she has suffered in the last three years, her aunty dying, her grandpa dying, her grandma's sanity and her cousin leaving us and my poor health. She was able to express how jealous she felt of her friends who were not going through the things she is - a feeling I was able to share with her that I get too!

She did not need any reassurances other than acknowledgement that she was having to cope with an awful lot at the moment and yes on the surface it did seem that none of her friends were. It was a good feeling when she was however able to identify what trials some of her friends were facing - especially the divorce of parents something that she could not and does not want to imagine having to face.

That was probably the most productive 30 minutes we have spent together in a while, I know it has not 'solved' everything for her, but it is good to see her bouncy self back again this morning.

Remembering.

2011-11-11T10:07:00.001Z

If it hadn't been for the second world war I would not exist.

I say that with no pride, no self pity, just a fact. There is never a day goes by without me Remembering the sacrifices that many innocent people had to make in the past during times of war. However it also means I have to continually remember the unwise choices that some made under the circumstances of war that they were involved.

So how can this be? My mum was conceived by a very young German woman falling in love with an English soldier in 1946 when they were still present in Germany. She is a War Baby. His posting ended and he returned to England and no proper contact was ever made again, even when my mum was then "orphaned" by the death of her mother when she was 6 years old.

The ravages and fall out of war reach into every single area of life. And in every place that these ravages touch, death of some kind is brought about.

There are/were thousands (probably hundreds of thousands) of War Babies. Children brought into a world struggling for peace, in many places bringing with them shame and damage that will last a life time.

In forty minutes time I will take special time out not only to be remembering the sacrifices that thousands of men made, I will be remembering the thousands more lives that were damaged forever by the action of war. This will then turn my thoughts back to the present and give me the determination to play any part I can in making my voice heard to bring the Peace which passes all understanding into my world.

Standing Firm

2011-11-10T10:10:00.000Z

Photo taken by my 10 year old daughter in Barcelona 2 weeks ago.

The turmoil still rages around me and my family this week. Dad's sudden death 4 weeks ago tomorrow seems to have been pushed away in my thoughts as meetings have taken place this week both for my niece and for my mum.

My niece is now under a court order to be retained in a secure unit for adolescents. It's an unusual step for the authorities to take but as she is not classed as having a mental illness (she is just very damaged by her upbringing) it is the only way they can keep her safe. Outside of being secure she is very likely to continue running away from any residence she is placed in and self harming to the extent that she needs hospital treatment. My husband and I are now the only people that she has contact with and she is using the power that gives her. This week we travelled over 2 hours to go and see her and whilst she allowed us to be in one meeting, the more important one she chose to not have us present. This hurts, though I realise we were the only people not being paid to be at the meeting and the only people she could really exclude. I am now praying over the next steps to take, she hasn't called us since that meeting whereas she had been calling every night up until then for a couple of weeks.

My mum is still in the throws of her nervous breakdown, she is hallucinating and very very paranoid. It is very difficult to cope with visiting her, seeing her being really nasty to the staff trying to help her. She has been in hospital for almost a week now and it is going to take some time for the medication to start working for her.

But there has been moments of light as well. My wonderful husband took myself and a great friend to a music concert the other night. This was made even more special my the artist (Thomas Dolby) coming into the small independent restaurant that we were eating in to eat himself before the show. And yes husband did have to go and have a few words :o). I have had contact from some lovely friends and extended family that I haven't been in touch with for a very very long time. Knowing so many people at church as well as my friends and family are praying is really helping.

One conversation I had with my Fairy Godmother (also known as my Christian mum as she has nursed and nourished me with scripture since I first became a Christian) told me to look at 2 Chronicles 20 during our conversation. Particularly these verses:

¹⁵ He said: “Listen, King Jehoshaphat and all who live in Judah and Jerusalem! This is what the LORD says to you: ‘Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God’s. ¹⁶ Tomorrow march down against them. They will be climbing up by the Pass of Ziz, and you will find them at the end of the gorge in the Desert of Jeruel. ¹⁷ You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the LORD will give you, Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow, and the LORD will be with you.’”

It is an amazing thing that I have been looking at promises in the bible for a craft project and a work activity day that I am preparing for. This has taken me into the theology of looking at the promises made in the Bible for ALL people and those that were given to specific people. However it made me realise through the conversation I had which brought up these verses that God still wants us to listen and learn from the promises that he has made to other people.

So these words that were given to King Jehosphapat are remaining my comfort this week. They are keeping me going, standing firm. It is so very reassuring that by doing nothing other than my ordinary stuff I may just see the deliverance of the Lord as Jehosphapat did. I can only pray that I don't continue to fall like he did as well!

The versatile Blogger Award

2011-11-04T16:46:00.002Z

I won an award!!!!!!!!!

The lovely Ray over at Daydreamer awarded me this:

Thank you!

I'm pleased to hear that my blog comes across as trying to stay positive against a tide of problems, it certainly does not always feel that way - and oh what Joy I will have when the tide recedes!

Now as I understand it, I have to tell you 5 quirky facts about myself and then nominate 5 more bloggers - 5 quirky facts, now there is a challenge, as I have so many!!!!!!!!!!!

In my first job as an office junior when I was 17, if I got all my office work done I was allowed to go and 'play' with the plastic bag making machines!
I have sat in the jump seat in the cockpit of a Boeing 747 jumbo jet coming in to land at Los Angeles airport - very scary.
I have travelled across the Atlantic to Boston, to meet a fellow blogger for the first time this January.
I have to have certain cups for certain drinks at certain times of the day! 15 years on my husband is finally starting to get the hang of it.
I once bumped into Robson Green (an English actor) when he was doing some filming at the hospital where I worked as he was on his way to a break, I couldn't resist saying 'that's looks nasty' to his 'blood' splatted bandaged head and body.

And my five blogs nominated to receive this award.

Navigating By The Stars - the blog that got me started blogging in the first place. Gaynor is a fab friend and an inspired home-schooler.
10 Minute Writer - the Boston based home-schooling, novel writing, amazing Christian witness, very funny and creative mother of five gorgeous offspring.
Dutch Sisters - A blog that inspires my creativity and gets me starting projects before I have finished the last one :o).
Holy Experience - A truly God inspired Blog - what more can I say.
Scraps of Starlight - Another creative and God inspired blog with beautiful photographs and simple creative things to do with children.

I could list so many more, but will restrain myself for now, I love this blog world x.

10 Life lessons learnt this week.

2011-10-30T08:14:00.001Z

Suddenly being widowed at the age of 65 when you left home and married at 18 can be the last straw in keeping your sanity.
If you do not know a little of how the NHS and more specifically the mental health services work accessing their services is far too complicated.
You cannot always trust your neighbours.
It doesn't matter how many friends you have, the ones that catch you when you are falling are worth more than gold.
In the midst of chaos you can choose to put your spouse and children first and make them very happy.
Reflecting on the book of Job in the Bible is a good way to keep slogging on when the going is tough.
Dogs emotions are soon affected by the people around them, but are quickly stabilized if you have loved them well from the beginning.
If the occasional waft of cigarette smoke is able to make you want one, immerse yourself in the company of a heavy smoker and you will soon loose your craving.
10 year old girls can show love for their 12 year old brothers no matter how much they bug each other.
You have to work hard at having no regrets.

My Daddy

2011-10-20T11:27:00.000+01:00

We have had a horrible 10 days in our house. My dear daddy died very suddenly from an aortic aneurysm on the 7th October aged 66 years old. I live 140 miles away and had no chance to say good bye. Yesterday was his funeral and here is a copy of the eulogy that I wrote for my husband to read out at the crematorium. My way of saying good bye.

ColinRichard Budworth was born on the 12^th June 1945. The youngest of 4 children to Ada andStan Budworth.

Derbyshireborn and Derbyshire bred, thick in the arm but most definitely not in thehead. We have loved listening to Dad’stales of his adventures as a boy helping his Dad out with jobs, singing in thechurch choir and listening to the Goon show with his brother, sharing an earpiece to listen while they were in bed.

As a youngman he took on his apprenticeship with the railway with all seriousness. He still knew how to take time out to enjoyhimself though, going camping in the dales with friends and even a holiday tripabroad in his first little van with a friend.

Then ofcourse there was that fate filledholiday he took with his friend Ken to the Isle of Wight – Ventnor to beexact. I now know that it was mostdefinitely love at first sight. How do Iknow this, not because mum has told me but because I have had the great honourof being allowed to read the love letters that he started to write on the trainhome from that holiday to my 16 year old mum. This was the summer of 63. By thespring of 64 mum moved up from Kingston upon Thames to Derby to be just a fewdoors away from his home. That is whenthe written letters stopped but when the love story had really only juststarted.

Dad finishedhis apprenticeship, they got married and the world was their oyster. In fact they actually got married and then hefinished his apprenticeship, even though Dad’s mum wrote a very loving letterto mum saying that they should really wait until afterwards. At 19 and 18 they grew into being adultstogether. Right to the end my dadadored my mum and I am sure you all knowthat the feeling was absolutely mutely. 46 years of marriage might sound a lot but I know my mum would haveloved to have had a little more time.

You all knowthat dad was an absolute master craftsman, a cabinet maker extraordinaire. His creations have adorned the homes ofmembers of the Beetles been sold in shops as grand as Harrods, and adornedstately homes. It might have taken mymum 17 years to get her coffee table from him, but boy was it worth waitingfor.

Anotherthing you might not realise is that my dad was a pioneer. This is on a subject that is now writtenabout, talked about on the radio and generally accepted as a basic need for allmen. What is this thing you might think– His Shed. As kids once home from hisday job, he would disappear off into his shed for a couple of hours beforetea. If anyone telephoned, you said hewas in the shed and that was that. Ifanyone came to see him, they knew they would have to go and talk to him in hisshed. Of course dad was not disappearinginto his shed to just get away from it all, as the modern notion now takes you,he was working. This was not just tokeep mum, john me and Sally, but also to help fulfil his dream of having hisown business – even if he didn’t realise this at the time. It was one of the many occasions that mummanaged to cajole him into doing what he really wanted to do. My memories of my dad working away in hisworkshop will stay with me forever, never was there a happier man than my dadin his workshop in Shardlow.

There hasbeen too much heart ache this last few years. Dad’s stroke 18 months ago was an indicator to us of how much strain hehad been under. However nothing hasprepared us for him leaving us so quickly. We have some comfort in knowing that he died painlessly and peacefullybut it does not stop our hearts from breaking at the thought of continuing inlife without him.

But continuewe will because we know that is what he would have liked to see, he would be soproud of how mum is coping so far. It isalso a comfort to know that his five grandchildren have all had the opportunity to get to know their grandpa and they willtreasure their memories as we do ours.

I hope youare all able to treasure your memories from all the different parts of dadslife that brought you into contact with each other. He was and is and always will be a remarkable, one in a million to us.

Quiet

2011-10-04T19:19:00.002+01:00

We have been having a couple of quiet weeks at home for a change. My counselling has started - now I knew that would be hard work but hadn't quite expected it to be as hard as it is!

I have been quietly crafting, doing a little crochet, a bit of beading and a little more crochet. Work has been busy so I have been saying 'no' to a lot of social invitations. My energy levels are still very low and my mood up and down like a yo yo but we are quiet.

My niece has been in touch by email, so we now know where she is, this has taken some stress away. She sounds happyish and I am sure we will go and see her, however we are not rushing.

We have been experiencing some extraordinary weather this last week which we have managed to take advantage of. My other half and I went and spent a most luxurious 3 hours by the sea while the children were at school last week. That is where the photo at the top of the page was taken. When we got there we had the beach to ourselves:

I took a book but spent the whole day watching the water

The tide slowly moved in, we even had to move twice!

I found it totally mesmerising.

And I think my puppy dog had fun to - she does like to find a feather!

Home Produce

2011-09-19T16:03:00.001+01:00

Can it really be Monday again all ready! I managed to get out in the garden last week for the first time in a very very long time. My vegetable patch was completely overgrown with pumpkin vines crawling their way across the paved areas. It was very very pleasing to discover on cutting it all back that we did actually have pumpkins and some cucumbers as well - I had presumed those plants had been suffocated by the pumpkin plants! Once again my gardening plans have been thwarted somewhat by the goings on at home, never mind, there is still things to enjoy for now and there are always next years plans :o)

Continuing to count my blessings with Ann Voskamp.

640. Pumpkins growing in the garden, small but perfectly formed.

641. A basket of prodice to take into the kitchen and enjoy.

642. Views to admire.

643. An abundance of pink in the garden.

643. Beautiful scents still rising in the evening.

644. Strawberries - for the second time this year.

645. Happy children getting out and about with the daddy, what ever the weather.

646. The joy of an obediant (most of the time) puppy dog.

647. Watching a storm passing by the front of our house.

648. The beauty of art from centuries ago.

649. Seeing how nature reclaims the land.

Why not start your own list.

Letting go of ideals.

2011-09-17T19:58:00.000+01:00

After all the ups and downs of the last few weeks my Niece A has been readmitted to a secure psychiatric adolescent unit. Not before she ended up in police custody for a couple of days. She didn't commit a crime but would not return to the childrens home where she had been placed. At one point social services were talking about putting her into a secure unit (the sort of place they can put under 16's who keep absconding or are waiting for court hearings). They could do that for 72 hours before having to apply to court to keep her longer. 5pm on a Friday evening is not the best time to be told you need to get a solicitor involved before a court hearing at 11.30 on a Monday morning. At least that has now all been avoided.

So what is my part in all this. My natural instinct was to get straight in the car and go to the police station where she was. At least once she was deemed to not be able to make clear judgements by herself social services could tell me where she was. However I did manage to phone the station first, they asked her if she would see me and she said no.

As my parents still have a residence order for her I felt it only proper to let them know what has been going on. My mum as I assumed might happen has not taken it well.

Once again I am left trying to work out what my role is. I can't imagine I am ever going to be able to pretend she doesn't exist, that would feel like a complete betrayel to my sister (A's deceased mothers). Though I also know that I cannot continue tying myself in knots fighting her corner when she does not want me to. All the authorities involved with her seem to have made such a hash of things, it makes me want to shout and complain to the managers, my MP and anyone else who will listen. What would that achieve for A though? The chances are that even if things had been done 'properly' she still might be in the situation she is in now.

Then of course I hear the 'good citizen' voice inside my head saying that if I step in, it might make a difference to the way other people are treated. At a time when my general health is not great, my mental health is not great and my own two children and husband need me, I think the answer to whether I step in or not is no. I am quite sure that my mind is going to sway backwards and forwards with all this, at the moment though that 'peace that passes all understanding'(Phillipians 4:7) has descended. I still feel quite subdued but peaceful and long may that last.

Why the picture of the cemetry? My hubby and I went a walk for him to show it to me yesterday as it is just on the edge of Southampton City Centre, it is a fascinating place that you can read a little about here . It has such an over grown and gothic look to it and is sooo huge. We spent a good while taking pictures, reading the odd grave stone and just marvelling at how nature is trying to reclaim the land. It made me realise something. I don't like modern cemetries, but certainly over 100 years ago (and 100's more) when this cemetry was being used used, it had a purpose to reunite the bodies of families. I love this idea! Somehow it brings a real comforting feeling. However in our present time it has become apparant that graves are not a sustainable way of disposing of bodies. We just no longer have the space in our little country. Therefore it was a reminder to me that sometimes we just have to let go of our ideals. Find other ways to function. Have you had to let go of any ideals?

Admiring the View

2011-09-15T11:23:00.000+01:00

In my job as a children and youth pastor I occasionally get to do a little something out of the ordinary. Last year I was asked by our Diocese to plan a 20 minute workshop for their revamped confirmation celebration service at Winchester Cathedral. It went down really well and I have been asked back again this year. I initially said yes, thinking I would probably be able to just tweak what I did last year. However when I met up with the organiser this week there is a whole different theme. Once again however God knows the path before me.

The theme of the service is 'journeys' and the title of my area is going to be 'Admiring the View'. Yet again my week started off not great with anxiety about what was happening with my niece. As soon as I was told this ideas started to pop into my head and great conversation followed. I was so relieved not to have been given the topic of being in a dark place!

I love it when my creativity starts to flow! I came out of that working lunch meeting totally bouyed up only to discover a parking ticket on my car. I got home to more unwelcome news. Then there was a moment when I suddenly remembered lunch time - that was a moment on my journey through that day when I was 'admiring the view'. I find it so easy to forget the moments of respite that I get, and yet in reality I probably have as many of those moments as I do the hard times.

I'm pleased to say that as I am having to creatively think about this topic for work purposes, it is making me continually look out for those moments in my week when I can 'admire the view'.

There was the lovely dog walk that I had yesterday, I had over stretched myself with how far I had gone so took some time to sit at a lake 10 minutes walk from home. Once the dog had got over her confusion as to why I had stopped, it was a fantastic 15 minutes of peace. I got to watch a heron swimming, I was thinking how unusual it was to see one swimming and not standing at the edge where he normally is. After about 10 minutes however he quickly dived into the lilly pads next to him and came up with something very orange in his beak, before flying off to an out of site corner. An experience I certainly do not have every day (though as a veggie I did feel very sorry for the fish!).

What 'views' do you get to stop and admire on the journeys in life that you are making? How do you feel when you do stop? Are you ever tempted to try and stop your journey to stay at that place of admiring? It would be great to have your thoughts dear readers as I try and work out how I can use this topic to help those at the confirmation celebration service.

More Monday Blessings.

2011-09-12T15:50:00.000+01:00

As you may have seen in my last post, that week did not end terribly well at all. The latest on my nieces situation is that late on Friday I was told that she had chosen that she did not want me to know where she was for now - so in many ways that is an answer to prayer as there is nothing else I can do now. I am ashamed to say that I did end up putting the phone down on the social worker as I feared I was going to say something very rude to her if I did not, when she told me of A's wishes. More news followed on Sunday when a friend informed me that she was in our local area causing trouble which I believe ended up with the police involved. However I have heard nothing from any authorities today so guess I am now totally out of the loop. I can say all this so matter of factly, and on the whole that is how I am feeling most of the time now. It feels like God has detached me from feeling the responsibility which in reality I really do no longer have. This really is a blessing and of course there have been many more that I can look back on my week and see:

630. Happy 10 year old starting back to school.
631. Thrilled 11 year old starting secondary school and loving it.
632. Flowers from friends.
633. Love and encouraging comments on facebook from friends.
634. Cups of tea and wise words with friends.
635. Praying on-line with a dear friend hundreds of miles away over the pond, handing over our burdens.
636. Worshipping with arms raised in our new small Sunday evening service.
637. Time to crochet, creating a present for a dear little nearly 3 year old.
638. A Guinea pigs fourth birthday party, with invites and balloons.
639. The promise that perfect love drives out all fear. (1John 4:18)

Fury

2011-09-09T09:17:00.000+01:00

Please bear with me, I am extremely agitated and so need to get this off my chest.

My niece (A) was told at the end of last week that the funding for her to go to the place that both her social worker and the Priory hospital (where she is staying were agreeing was the most appropriate place for her) was not being given. I have been trying to get hold of both her social worker and her psychiatrist all week, making several phone calls. Her social worker was off sick at the beginning of the week, I was told the duty social worker would call me back and they didn't. The psychiatrist's secretary was calling me back with an appointment and hasn't.

At 5pm yesterday afternoon I had a phone call from her social worker saying that A was discharging herself from the Priory and her file had been placed in the out of ours social workers in tray to find her an emergency placement for last night.

Two weeks ago this child (14 years old) absconded from the Priory, causing a major police search and when found some hours later claimed to have taken an overdose of paracetamol (this is something she has done in the past). I hope you agree that I had a right to be very concerned about getting this phone call.

After a few minutes of discussion with my husband we decided the next move was to call the Priory. I did this and was astounded to be told by a psychotherapist (I had asked to speak to the nurse in charge of the ward), that A was allowed to discharge herself as she was a voluntary patient (as opposed to sectioned) even though she was only 14 years of age. While on the telephone to this person, A, called my husband on his mobile, she could not understand why we were not pleased that she was discharging herself. I then ended my call to the Priory as they were adamant that there was nothing they could do to keep her there. I then spoke to A. She informs me that on the ward round that morning her psychiatrist said to her that she should not be there and a placement should have been found.

This child has a track record of acting on suggestion. She is also known to not be able to handle embarrassment. At her last CPA (continuing care/discharge meeting) the psychiatrist reports that her main aim at that moment was to get herself sectioned as she saw mental illness as a badge of honour.

I spoke with A again (after spending time with some wise friends talking and praying) about 7pm and offered to go and sit with her until the out of hours social worker arrived. As I was not able to promise her that we would not fall out (with someone as emotionally volatile as she has been it would have been pointless making this promise), she was not sure she wanted me there. I suggested that she think about it and call me back. She did inform me at this point that the staff on the ward had told social services a 'little white lie' saying that she would not stay at the Priory last night so that had to find her somewhere - when actually she was agreeing to stay there overnight if they didn' find her somewhere. She informed me this was to ensure that they did something immediately.

I heard nothing more until 10pm last night when A phoned me to tell me that the out of hours had found her somewhere to go and were on their way to collect her, she informed me that her social worker would be coming to see her at that placement the next day (today - Friday). I requested that she ask the social worker to call me in the morning.

I then had a phone call at 8.15am this morning from the Priory from a nurse saying was I called last night and made aware of what was going on and where A had gone. We had not been called at all, the only contact that we had was by our call to them straight after the social worker had called.

Now what am I supposed to do?????? The nurse this morning informs me that they tried to get A to stay, explaining to her that a planned discharge would be better. She disputed that the psychiatrist told A that she shouldn't be there on the ward round as she was present on that round. Without any communication with us they agreed to hold on to some of A's belongings as she informed them that we would be willing to come and collect that. They have allowed her to take belongings that she has never been allowed to have charge of without a guardian (even at the Priory), namely expensive musical instruments and a scrap book of her first 13 years of life.

It all seems to speak of incompetence to me, by all the professionals. She should not have been stuck in the Priory for all this time if she did not need to be there, however she should not be encouraged or in the least not discouraged to go forward with the planned discharge that would bring about the best for her.

Lord of All, please have charge over this situation, guide me and show me where you want me and above all place your angels around A, protect her, comfort her and bring healing to her. Amen.

Busy at Work

2011-09-07T15:57:00.000+01:00

I have been having a very enjoyable and busy week at work this week, the majority of my 20 hours have already been filled already, I have a meeting tonight and again on Friday, tomorrow however is going to be my full day of rest, hubby is off work as well so hopefully we will get to do something fun together.

If you are interested in more of what I do as a 'day job' do come and visit my work blog Life of a Children and Youth Pastor - it would be great to see you over there x x x x

Blessed be the name of the Lord

2011-09-05T15:21:00.001+01:00

I am still reeling somewhat from last weeks news but have made the first two phone calls that I feel are a starting point - now I have to wait for their responses. In the mean time I am trying to stay positive. I love this song - all except the give and take away bit, I've never been able to quite believe that God takes good things away from us - good things just sometimes end - what do you think?

I am so blessed I can do nothing but continue to count the smallest of blessings:

620. dishes to be washed up at the sink.
621. pegged out washing.
622. a letter from a child in poverty overflowing with love.
623. light at the flick of a switch.
624. my daughter practising her saxophone on a Saturday morning.
625. dirty outdoor playing children.
626. pumpkins slowly growing in the garden.
627. being able to vacuum the floor of my sons bedroom!
628. early nights with a very good book.
629. the smell of freshly ironed clothes.

Fighting Disappointment

2011-09-03T10:33:00.000+01:00

What happens when you don't get the answer you were praying you would? Inevitable disappointment? Unfortunately that is how I am feeling today. I wrote in my last post of how much I was hoping my niece was going to get funding to go to a specialist unit to get the help she needs. I discovered yesterday that she has not got it.

What is more it sounds as though there is going to be a great rush now to place her in a 'normal' social services children's home to save the NHS the money that is keeping her in a private mental health unit at present. Even though she is back in the high dependency unit.

One of the worst parts of all this, is that I am left standing with the questions - what should I do? and what can I do? We have no parental responsibility for her, that has been handed over to social services by her father.

We will try and arrange a meeting with her social worker next week and would really appreciate prayers as we struggle through these next weeks. I realise the struggle is mostly my internal one, but it is real and I cannot just let go of a child that I have cared for as my own for the last two years.

When it is all out of your hands.

2011-08-22T15:36:00.000+01:00

It has been 14 weeks now since we stopped being Kinship carers for my 14 year old niece. For 13 of those weeks she has been in a mental health unit with self-harming and aggressive behaviour getting worse and worse. We could never have guessed just how damaged she was. It has taken till now for me to feel like writing any of this down. I have been very low and I know that a lot of that has been about 'control' being taken away from me. My organised and perfectionist nature does not allow me to take kindly to 'failing'. It doesn't seem to matter how much I can rationalise what has happened as not being a failure, seeing the success of us managing for 2 years where the authorities have not been coping in just these past weeks. I will keep trying to feel it as well as know it, who knows, there is a chance that it might just seep into my heart that way.

We are still keeping in touch with her. My husband goes to visit every 10 days or so. I am in touch with those looking after her but not with her directly. This causes me just to much pain at the moment. The only thing we can practically do now is pray for her well-being and for the right placement to be funded for her. What her social worker and the mental health unit feel is the right place has been found it looks amazing, and covers all the areas that she has got particular problems with. So far the authorities have been refusing to fund it, however they are presently reviewing that decision and on the 1st September we should know whether they have changed their minds or what else they will offer in it's place. I would greatly appreciate prayers from all of you dear readers who do pray, that the next step will be His way for her.

It is a long time since I have added to my list of 1000 things to be grateful for but as we were reminded at our church service of the importance showing our gratitude, it seems like the best time to get back on with it!

606. A day out at the beach with my husband, my two children and my puppy dog.
607. Home-made plum jam from a friend
608. A big bag of plums from another to eat as they were and make puddings.
609. New school uniforms all purchased, labelled and waiting in wardrobes.
610. A friend trusting me with the most personal of issues.
611. Seeing old friends after way to long.
612. Teaching an 11 year old boy how to cast off and on with his knitting.
613. Getting a gift in the post - see photo below, from him with a lovely letter one week later.
614. Seeing the Lego all over my sons bedroom floor being played with every day for weeks.
615. My daughter and her BF bathing the dog without being asked to!
616. Being completely pampered by my 10 year old daughter, with bubbly bath and foot, shoulder and hand massages. (Okay so I know it was a ploy to get me to let her stay up real late - but it was worth it)
617. The pumpkin plants in my veg patch taking on the forms of triffids and travelling around my garden.
618. My crochet wave blanket of promises which is slowly growing.
619. My dear blog followers who are bearing with me through this barren patch.

To find out more about why it is good to count our blessings visit Ann Voskamps site by clicking on the picture below:

href="http://www.aholyexperience.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://i242.photobucket.com/albums/ff162/annvoskamp/multitudesonmondaysbutton2-1.jpg" >

Musings on Marriage

2011-08-12T12:20:00.000+01:00

I seem to have gotten to that stage in life where the marriages of my peers are falling apart. This has inevitably led me to look at my marriage. Life has not been plain sailing in our marriage, especially when the children were small. We watched a film recently, 'Marley and Me', there is a scene in that when Jennifer Annistons character completely loses the plot with her husband. They have young children and are both fighting against the feelings that a change and giving up of roles brings on. It is the closest interpretation of one of our fights that I had ever seen - quite frightful.

So why is my marriage still strong 15 years on. I have learnt many lessons these are just a five that immediately come to mind:

Accepting that there will be rough times and setting your mind on resolving to battle through is essential. Even if this means writing down the pros and cons of making your marriage work and purposely ensuring you write more pros (this might be burying your head in the sand but in a crisis it has worked for me).
Make your partner your best friend. I have been blessed with some lovely female friendships through my marriage, however it was only after the breakdown of one that I realised how destructive this relationship had actually been to my marriage. If the person you want to text, chat and joke with most in the world is not your partner, maybe it is time to re-evaluate that friendship. For the last couple of years I have deepened friendships but now have much clearer boundaries that I am willing to abide by to protect the best friend status of my partner.
Saying sorry, repeatedly if necessary, it's a biblical principle and though we might not always feel sorry, saying it is more likely to get us to a place where we mean it than not saying it will.
Laughing, we have managed to get into some really silly arguments in the past and it has been good to revisit those times and laugh about them. They won't stop happening but it's much harder to have an argument about something you know you are going to end up laughing about.
Learn each others love language (Gary Chapman). This has been so helpful to us, when your love languages are very different (as ours are) it is very easy to think that you are showing your partner love by speaking your love language to them and not theirs. Since discovering the things that really make us feel loved even when we are struggling it is easy to show each other small acts of kindness in the appropriate language.

There are many things that I know we could do better on, praying together is one of those, we seem to go through spates of doing this and then not but I do believe that it is very important. Turning the television off is another one or shutting down the computer to give each other your full attention. It is strange that it is only when you do those two things that you realise just how obtrusive they are.

I know I can only say these things coming from the perspective of having a husband who shares the same ideals as I do. Where there is disparity on agreeing what is right for a marriage I can see that the hurdles become immense.

The fall out from broken relationships seems to be immense, it doesn't seem to matter what age any children from the relationship are, damage occurs in one way or another. My husbands parents were about to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary when they split! I would love to know what you think about marriage, what has worked for you? What hasn't worked for you? Are there relationships that get so broken that they cannot be repaired? I do hope no-one reading this feels condemned in anyway about their relationships, that is not my intention, I am just trying to get my head around a subject I seem to be surrounded by.

Where I am.

2011-07-28T07:31:00.000+01:00

Sorry to have not been around much dear readers, the stress of the last few years has finally caught up with me. There has been so much change and this week has brought some more. The photo above is of my two babies (oooh they do hate it when I call them that!) walking to their primary school together for the last time. Realistically I know that it is probably the last time they will ever walk to school together. So yesterday was the start of their school summer holidays and off they went together to the park 10 minutes away from us for a couple of hours by themselves! Now that is going to take some getting used to - they are getting all grown up.

I am doing something new to try and get back on track, I am going to have therapy. Eeeek what am I letting myself in for. God has been so good to me and managed to quiet me enough to let me hear the advice of my doctor, my employers and my friends. In fact one friend has cunningly told me that if I did it, it might make her brave enough to go and get help on a specific issue. I'm sure she knew that giving me a reason that made me feel as though I might be helping someone else would work! I am using a Christian charity based locally, that was on the advice of my lovely employers and my Christian family doctor.

Yesterday I had my initial session, for them to assess what they feel they will be able to offer me, it wasn't a therapy session. However I am amazed at the insights that were revealed to me as I just talked. I won't be starting properly until after the school holidays. It feels important that this is something I do in my time and not the time I have for my children, so I have requested appointments during their school day which I can fit my work around. This will also give me time to complete the summer holiday clubs that I am running at the beginning and end of the holidays at work.

I realise that it is going to be hard work, your prayers would be very much appreciated. Where I can I will try and share what I am learning about myself.

Thanks for bearing with me. Jane x.

Being Still

2011-07-20T10:02:00.000+01:00

I have been dipping in and out of an amazing little book the last few weeks

I was given it many years ago when I was a new Christian and to be honest never really 'got' it. However in the last few years I have dipped into it and found it a really good aid to prayer and for encouraging me to get into my Bible more.

It is split into daily readings which are dated and I generally will look around the date that it is to find something to catch my eye. The day before yesterday the reading I looked at was all about Being Still. It was a reflection on what happens in life when storms are raging (rather pertinent for me at the mo!). It reflected on the way Jesus taught, when in a storm his words to the storm were Be Still, there were no instructions given to the disciples (just a little expressed exasperation!). However when Jesus had much teaching to impart, he takes his disciples (and sometimes thousands of others) to hill sides, to beaches, quiet places.

I find this so reassuring. I know that the stormy experiences I am going through at the moment are going to change me some what. It is lovely though to remember that I do not need to try and work out what those things are while the storms are raging. All I need to do is Trust Him and let him tell those storms to Be Still.

When you realise what you have been praying.

2011-07-11T13:24:00.000+01:00

A few weeks ago I wrote this post about finding a phrase that I was using like a mantra when my stress levels were spiralling. The phrase was 'Jesus shine your light'. Since then not a lot has changed on the outside, if anything for the week after I started things got considerably worse in the situations I was praying for His light to shine. It wasn't until I went to see my Fairy God Mother last week that she shone a little light on what I was saying.

When you ask Jesus to shine His light on situations you are going to see everything illuminated - not just good stuff. Maybe what is happening inside of me now is the revelation the Light can give. When his light is shining and illuminating situations, the cracks, the brokenness will be revealed, they can no longer hide shrouded in darkness and secrecy.

How amazing that God can answer prayers that we are praying without us even realising what we are saying/praying.

Of course now that His light is shining and those dark areas are being lit by His light, His healing can come in to restore and renew. I wonder what other prayers I am saying that I do not realise the fullness of yet? Has anyone else had this sort of experience?

Continuing to count my blessings with the Gratitude community today.

595. Dirt in the bath as the water empties and the dog stands clean.
596. Time to talk.
597. Quiet times in my Green Room.
598. Messy kitchen, happy daughter, lots of cakes.
599. Tears of sorrow.
600. Pink flowers.
601. A weeks washing drying on the line despite the showers.
602. Goodbye and Goodnight kisses from both my children.
603. The encouragement of fellow bloggers.
604. The facebook chat with a person I can't talk to at the moment.

The Green Room

2011-07-08T15:26:00.001+01:00

As the decision has most finally been made that my niece will not be coming back to live with us we have decided to turn her old bedroom back into a room we can use. It is only a little room but we decided to keep a bed in here to be a guest room (which is a good job as it has been used already). My husband suggested that it would be good to let the children keep their musical instruments and stands up in this room to encourage them to play a little more often (their rooms are not very big either). I rather fancied being able to have somewhere to sit and be quiet. The result is - The Green Room.

The walls have been painted Dulux Putting Green, it took two coats of paint, but we only used a small tin :o).

The mirror was already in situ. The two little white wooden shelves are from Ikea

The chair was a bargain buy from ikea for just £40.00 it is cream and so I have covered it with a throw which will hopefully help it to wear a little better. All the pictures we already have, the three on the same wall are cross stitch embroideries that I did in the early 1990's. The iris picture was made by my sister and given to us as a present in 2004.

The little bedside table was another good purchase for just under £40.00, the lamp was £5.00 these were both from The Range. The lovely little green glass candle holders were £1.00 from ikea and I already had the beautiful holding cross lying on the table.

One of my favourite things in this room are the curtains and the bedcover. These have been in storage for 12 years! I made them for a little room we had in our first house. I had completely forgotten I had made three curtains and it took some thinking to remember where the third one went - it was over the door as the door had glass panels to lighten up an otherwise very dark hallway. This is perfect as the extra curtain works great as a bedcover over the top of the bedding so that does not get grubby from the children using the room to play their music. We purchased the wooden curtain pole for £15.00, the lightshade from the Fairtrade Shop which is local to us for £10.00 and three cushions from the Range to give the bed that bit more of a comfy look.

This is my one real extravagance for the room, I saw it and just could not resist, it was not very expensive and I think it just adds that last little something to what has become a very peace filled room.

The extra advantage of making this room so cosy and peaceful is that it is always a place where I know I can always go and pray for my niece, feeling extra close to her, as it was the room where she laid her head for 2 whole years.

What I love about Facebook (and God)

2011-06-29T18:41:00.000+01:00

I have just had a most lovely surprise, but first let me set the scene. I have been on facebook for around 3 years now. In all that time I have never done a cull of my accumulated friends. Part of the reason for that is because I have tried to be very wise with whom I have friended in the first place. However no matter how hard I tried there were still a few that I did press accept to without thinking very hard about it. I thought hard about the people who I was going to delete, my criteria was roughly

how often do I correspond with them
how often do they correspond with me
has facebook enhanced our relationship
will either they or me lose anything by deleting them.

The last one was the hardest by far and I have to trust God that I have made the correct decisions on the few that went because of this point. I deleted over 25 people! A lot of these were people who I had come into contact with through kinship caring pages. It feels right as I am no longer caring for my niece to put a little distance between myself and those that are. I have kept a couple who I have made a connection with, one of whom has gone through a similar scenario causing her to no longer care for her nieces and another who lives near by and I would like to be able to continue supporting her (and catching the odd coffee together). I can still use the kinship care pages and am sure that all those affected will understand my reasons. It felt very good, like having a good spring clean once I had done it.

So what is the lovely surprise? This evening I have been 'found' on facebook by a wonderful lady who was my line manager when I last worked as an Occupational Therapist in West London. The surprise is heightened for me because she is a self confessed technophobe! It is almost 12 years since I worked with her, computers were only just coming into our offices and she hated them. Since them we have kept in contact at Christmas, met up occasionally and exchanged the odd e-mail, but facebook would be one of the last places I would have expected her to be using. She is a fantastic 'quiet' Christian, extolling all the virtues that St Francis of Assisi extolled. I worked in a lovely little 'dream team' with a Christian physiotherapist and social worker as well as this lovely lady.

It feels like a lovely little gift from my oh so loving Father. I so need the wisdom, love and prayers of those that love Jesus at the moment. As previous posts may have indicated I am struggling with depression, which affects all areas of my life at the moment. Daily decisions like what I should make for tea, can be so difficult and it only takes one small upset to totally floor me. I am clinging on though. I was reminded by a fellow twitterer earlier of 2Corinthians chapter 4 verses16 to 18:

¹⁶ Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. ¹⁷ For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. ¹⁸ So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

Praise God!

Hopes and Prayers for my children.

2011-06-28T15:28:00.000+01:00

What are the hopes and prayers that I have for the children that my husband and I through God created?

For them to know they are loved by both their parents and by God.
To care and be there for each other through life's ups and downs.
To grow old in each others company joining future families together.
To care for the physical world in which they grow up in.
To never loose the desire to keep learning through all life's experiences.
To stand as a constant witness for God to all those they meet in life.
To care for their bodies and minds when we as parents no longer can.
To seek and ask us as parents for help and guidance no matter what our ages or the circumstances.
To continually give themselves time to search themselves with God to have their hearts desires revealed to them.
To know that it is okay for them to say no sometimes (except when I am telling them to do something ;o)).

Finding what helps.

2011-06-22T13:15:00.000+01:00

When my mind is buzzing going over and over all the things that have been said or done or should have been said or done, I really struggle.

I have tried all sorts of ways to hand my 'troubles' to Jesus, however I always seem to manage to take them right back and then feel bad for doing that as well!

I have tried using mental pictures, of lying my troubles at the cross or at Jesus's feet.

I have tried writing the problems down and putting them into a 'Jesus' box, or burning them.

I have prayed - oh how I have prayed.

I have put worship music or songs on and tried to turn my face towards worship, but the troubles are still there as soon as I stop.

I have tried to continue with counting my blessings, even when I really haven't wanted to.

This week however I have found something new. It all started when I had to take a trip to see someone, I knew it was going to possibly drain me for the rest of the day. I was scared that I was going to say the wrong thing. I prayed. That 'still small voice' then spoke to me - "Shine my light".
I started to repeat over and over "Jesus shine your light". Every time a thought that would conjure up negative or useless feelings I started again. I wonder how many times I said it in the following 24 hours. And I am still saying it now. It has the most amazing effect. The thoughts disappear and I am able to concentrate on where and how I can shine with the light of Jesus and where I just need to ask Him to shine in the dark places I cannot reach.

Blessings even when you don't want them.

2011-06-20T16:18:00.001+01:00

Today I would normally be posting my blessings as I have tried to do regularly for many many months now. However today I don't want to. WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Today.......

I want to be the child on the floor screaming in the supermarket aisle whose world has fallen apart because she is not allowed the treat she has just seen on the shelves.

I want to slam doors behind me.

I want to tell people that come to my door trying to sell me stuff to GET LOST.

I want to eat rubbish all day.

I want to sit with a huge sulking pout, scowling at anyone who dares look at me.

I want to smash things.

I want shout rude words at the top of my voice.

I want to stamp my foot and say IT'S NOT FAIR!

I want to go out in my car and purposefully annoy other people.

I really would love to do these things, however I suspect I shall take the dog for a walk, make my daughter some tea, watch some tennis and do some crochet - my life is full of blessings even when I don't want them. (#590 - 594!)

Excited about Church

2011-06-09T15:27:00.001+01:00

Although my home life remains in much turmoil since the departure of my niece, as often seems to happen, in my 'church' life is flourishing. In fact I have just looked back at old posts to see how often I have blogged about Church - there are 18 posts labelled, and almost all of them are quite negative. One in particular however caught my eye, you can read it here . I cannot believe it is more than 2 years that I wrote this. The excited news is that it is all coming to fruition.

Since that post, our then curate has now become our vicar (a very unusual step for the Church of England to allow this!). The passion for Local Worshipping Church Communities has remained - and in fact the words that God spoke to me in that conversation with our curate are now happening.

After many months of prayer and much support from a vibrant church in a near by city we have now started a new service at one of our churches. At present it is in the evening, as a family we all love it, though my youngest (10 years old) tends to take colouring and enjoys having a head massage as she gets sleepy. My 11 year old son is lapping it all up, on one occasion when I was not able to make it he came home and practical repeated the sermon for me (I did tell my vicar who had done said sermon!).

There is still much to be done, there is great hope that a second morning service is going to be set up in the near future. At present we have approximately 80 adults attending the evening service, and many of those are still splitting their time between our church and the 'other' one as their children want to continue with their friends. Much will be needed to be done in order to be able to accommodate a lot of children, at present we have only two very small rooms where junior church and a creche is held during the service that is currently taking place at our church.

The hard work does not faze me at all though, it does nothing but excite me to see God at work, fulfilling hopes and promises that lots of people have been holding out for.

The other unexpected return that we are having from experience of waiting and now building is the effect on our children's faith. It has led me to consider the advantages and disadvantages of 'perfect' church, as children might see it. For our two, I feel we are equipping them by going through this experience with them. They might be involved in the development of new churches and services in the future and I pray that this experience will positively impact on their journeys.

They have had to experience a lot of angst during this time. They have had to attend junior church where the pace of change has been very slow, but have seen it move on.

They have gone along with our experimentation when we have not wanted to attend 'church' and have done some wacky things like having 'family church up a tree'.

They now know the complexity of how services are made up and the number of people that this can take.

They and we have made some fabulous new friends and I know a lot of those friendships are just at the beginning and are hopefully going to grow and grow.

So hopefully you will see this is a positive and excited post about 'Church', it does help to have positive experiences when it it where you work as well as worship!

Blessings in pictures.

2011-06-06T19:16:00.000+01:00

This week we officially requested that my niece for whom we have been kinship caring for the last two years should be taken into local authority care. We didn't make the decision alone, we were unanimously encouraged to do so by 8 professionals at a multi-disciplinary meeting. I am left feeling quite bereft, angry and sad. However there is still so much to be thankful for:

580.

581.

582.

583.

584.

585.

586.

587.

588.

589.

Remembering my blessings.

2011-05-31T11:04:00.002+01:00

Life is so full of contradiction at the moment, on the one hand I feel more blessed than I have ever felt on the other all around me seems to be falling apart and I cannot work out where God wants me to be. Both my grandmother and my niece are now in hospital suffering with mental illness, my mother is being held together by my father whose heavy heart sounds so drained.

Why can't they accept you Lord????????????

I keep having a picture of myself as the wicked witch in The Wizard of Oz, where she has had water thrown over her and is saying while disappearing "I'm melting". I am praying through this that maybe the ME in me might be getting less and HIM in me might be getting more.

No matter what I shall continue to count my blessings with the gratitude community.

570. Attending the wedding of an old friend who has been hurt and rejected but accepted again.
571. Spending time with more old friends, especially when their 17 year old son decides to stay in and play too.
572. A night away with my husband, I love him so dearly.
573. A playful puppy dog who is able to persuade me to get up.
574. The children born from me, playing with the wooden train set, turning back the years.
575. Deliveries of craft material for another exciting activity day I've organised for work.
576. The lives shared by many fellow bloggers, that encourage me daily.
577. My youngest with flowers in her hair.
578. Strawberries getting fatter in the garden.
579. The promise that there will be no more tears and no more mourning.

And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” Revelation 21:3-4

Psalm37

2011-05-27T16:33:00.000+01:00

It has been yet another difficult week, it seems that just when we think things can't get worse they do. My niece for whom we kinship care has now been admitted to a high dependency unit at an adolescent mental health unit. The feelings of failure continue to dog me even though I know that we have done all that we have been capable of in the circumstances. A couple of days ago I talked with the staff and we have our first big multi-disciplinary meeting next Wednesday to discuss ways forward for us and her. We really are not sure whether we are going to be able to meet her needs by having her back with us. Knowing that this meeting is now set has unnerved me again after starting to accept this fact.

After yet another 3 hour sleep this afternoon before my other two children came in from school I was feeling quite despondent and sorry for myself and posted this tweet:

"flossyadam is sick and tired of feeling mopey and sleepy, need some motivational thoughts to get me going again!"

Within moments this tweet came up from Compassion UK, not directed to me personally but golly it has made me sit up:

"For the LORD loves justice; he will not forsake his saints. Psalm 37:28"

The reason it made me sit up was because for a couple of weeks a small group of people from church have been praying for us. They had a picture which they shared first for my husband and then with me last Sunday, the picture was of a pair of scales, not the sort that tell you your weight (I see that picture every time I pass a mirror) but scales of justice. That is what we want in the situation we are in justice for all of us, our children, my niece and ourselves. It is going to be a long journey and I know there will be no quick fixes but I will keep my eyes fixed on God and call for his justice to reign supremely in our lives.

I thought I would just share the rest of the Psalm with you as it is just so utterly brilliant!

Psalm 37 - Of David.

1 Do not fret because of those who are evil

or be envious of those who do wrong;

2 for like the grass they will soon wither,

like green plants they will soon die away.

3 Trust in the LORD and do good;

dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.

4 Take delight in the LORD,

and he will give you the desires of your heart.

5 Commit your way to the LORD;

trust in him and he will do this:

6 He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn,

your vindication like the noonday sun.

7 Be still before the LORD

and wait patiently for him;

do not fret when people succeed in their ways,

when they carry out their wicked schemes.

8 Refrain from anger and turn from wrath;

do not fret—it leads only to evil.

9 For those who are evil will be destroyed,

but those who hope in the LORD will inherit the land.

10 A little while, and the wicked will be no more;

though you look for them, they will not be found.

11 But the meek will inherit the land

and enjoy peace and prosperity.

12 The wicked plot against the righteous

and gnash their teeth at them;

13 but the Lord laughs at the wicked,

for he knows their day is coming.

14 The wicked draw the sword

and bend the bow

to bring down the poor and needy,

to slay those whose ways are upright.

15 But their swords will pierce their own hearts,

and their bows will be broken.

16 Better the little that the righteous have

than the wealth of many wicked;

17 for the power of the wicked will be broken,

but the LORD upholds the righteous.

18 The blameless spend their days under the LORD’s care,

and their inheritance will endure forever.

19 In times of disaster they will not wither;

in days of famine they will enjoy plenty.

20 But the wicked will perish:

Though the LORD’s enemies are like the flowers of the field,

they will be consumed, they will go up in smoke.

21 The wicked borrow and do not repay,

but the righteous give generously;

22 those the LORD blesses will inherit the land,

but those he curses will be destroyed.

23 The LORD makes firm the steps

of the one who delights in him;

24 though he may stumble, he will not fall,

for the LORD upholds him with his hand.

25 I was young and now I am old,

yet I have never seen the righteous forsaken

or their children begging bread.

26 They are always generous and lend freely;

their children will be a blessing.[b]

27 Turn from evil and do good;

then you will dwell in the land forever.

28 For the LORD loves the just

and will not forsake his faithful ones.

Wrongdoers will be completely destroyed;

the offspring of the wicked will perish.

29 The righteous will inherit the land

and dwell in it forever.

30 The mouths of the righteous utter wisdom,

and their tongues speak what is just.

31 The law of their God is in their hearts;

their feet do not slip.

32 The wicked lie in wait for the righteous,

intent on putting them to death;

33 but the LORD will not leave them in the power of the wicked

or let them be condemned when brought to trial.

34 Hope in the LORD

and keep his way.

when the wicked are destroyed, you will see it.

35 I have seen a wicked and ruthless man

flourishing like a luxuriant native tree,

36 but he soon passed away and was no more;

though I looked for him, he could not be found.

37 Consider the blameless, observe the upright;

a future awaits those who seek peace.[d]

38 But all sinners will be destroyed;

there will be no future[e] for the wicked.

39 The salvation of the righteous comes from the LORD;

he is their stronghold in time of trouble.

40 The LORD helps them and delivers them;

he delivers them from the wicked and saves them,

because they take refuge in him.

I will be Grateful.

2011-05-23T16:26:00.000+01:00

I am re-reading Henri Nouwens book 'The Return of the Prodigal Son' at the moment after my laments of the other day. I have not finished it yet but what I have most got out of it so far are his reflections on the older son. Seeing him as 'lost' in possibly a far more pernicious way that the younger son who returns to his father. He ruminates on how the older sons attitude is very much like that of the pharisees, being indignant and resentful towards his father for the way he so generously welcomes back his younger son. He poses the question 'what is easier to overcome and repent of, lust or resentment and bitterness? Erring on the side of believing the later is far harder. On exploring this further he considers that one of the ways that we can can try and make ourselves open to being found by God when we know we are full of resentment and bitterness is to practice being grateful. Giving thanks for what is happening around us because we know that we should be thankful rather than because we feel particularly thankful.

Stress levels remain unbearable in our home at the moment, but following what I have been reading I am determined that I will still be grateful.

560. Witnessing my husband relishing and flourishing in his new leadership role in our church.
561. The promises in the bible that God will be in everything I do.
562. My daughters fascination with her new word of the week 'constipation' how she makes me smile.
563. Watching and listening to my son play his trombone in the Boys Brigade Band during a service on Sunday.
564. Sleep.
565. Great writers like Henri Nouwen whose book 'The Return of the Prodigal Son' I am revisiting.
566. The opportunity to do some gardening.
567. Listening to the baby owls calling to their mum and each other in the dusky evening in the woods behind our house.
568. A friend who is happy to let me come round at a moments notice and remove a 'tick' from my puppy dog.
569. More sleep.

Another Poem/Psalm - Pain.

2011-05-19T20:30:00.000+01:00

My chest is tight
breathing is such effort,
My heart has burst
I no longer feel its beat.
Starving my mind of all that it needs.

My tears come in bursts
none for days and then not stopping.
My spirit is heaving
moving like water in the ocean
Encouraged then discouraged by all that passes.

Moments of peace do come
that 'peace that passes all understanding'
I have to wait for them
patiently, patiently, patiently wait.
My breath will come, my heart will beat,
my tears will dry and one day my spirit will soar.

How did the father of the Prodigal Son let him go?

2011-05-15T13:00:00.000+01:00

The story of the Prodigal son has been on my mind a lot. It seems on so many levels to resonate with the situation that we are in at the moment. I googled the question in the title this morning, as I ponder what the next few weeks has in store for us with our niece. I found this sermon. I thought it a jolly good sermon and can agree with most of what is said. It still leaves me feeling though HOW did he do it? Did he have family conferences and try and persuade him to stay? Did he warn him of the potential pitfalls that he might be heading for? Did he get friends and family to try and persuade him that he really was not making the wisest choice? or did he just let him go?

What are your thoughts?

When your best just isn't enough.

2011-05-12T19:52:00.000+01:00

For the last 2 years of our kinship caring journey we have often said to folks that we often feel like we live an hour at a time not knowing what will come next. The looks you get from this vary, but I understand it is a way of living that not a lot of people have to live with.

An hour after I wrote my last blog a week last Tuesday, everything turned upside down for us all yet again. It wasn't anything spectacular that turned everything upside down, however it was obviously for me the last straw. My reaction to what was really a quite minor spat with my 14 year old niece caused a sequence of evidence that has ended up with her staying with friends, being admitted to hospital and hopefully to emergency respite foster carers tomorrow.

I feel so cross and confused with myself that I kept soldiering on, thinking (or maybe pretending) I was coping, when it turns out I so obviously was not. What I suppose it all boils down to is having to admit that my best efforts to care for a very damaged 14 year old have just not been good enough.

It is strange that now everything is out of my hands (and control), I am finding it so much easier to pray for the whole situation. It is reassuring to know that I can trust God far more than I can trust myself or any of the professionals around me. Now I just have to hold onto that trust and belief that God can work all things for my dear nieces good.

If you are reading this and you pray, please hold us all in your prayers. My two biological kids are being great despite their tender ages, my dear husband is very worn out as he has had to do all the meetings and phone calls that my actions caused as well as working full time. We are praising God for the amazing friends that he has surrounded us with, some of whom have been called on to do far more than you generally expect of friends. I am hoping that I am finally learning to be more honest about my limits and will keep having the strength (of mind) to ensure that nobody or nothing stretches me too far again.

Dangerous Words.

2011-05-04T15:50:00.000+01:00

Have you ever had something said to you or misunderstood what is being said to you which has then caused you damage?

A few weeks ago when we were going through a rather bad patch in our kinship caring journey. You can read more about that here or if you want to know more about what kinship caring is and how I qualify to discuss it by clicking on the kinship caring label on the right hand side of this blog. This bad patch rustled all the children's services into action (again) appearing to offer us all sorts of help. However we are not poorly informed and did have a fairly good idea that there were not really any options open to us that we felt we could use.

It was during a these discussion with a mental health professional when I was told that my nieces ONLY hope was for us to continue to battle through her difficulties with her. The only other option was for her to go into care (which is why we took her in, in the first place - no change there then).

At the time I felt I was only being told what my husband and I already knew. However what I didn't realise was just how HEAVY that word was and how debilitating it was for me to try and carry it. It was not until some amazing pastoral workers recognised this and prayed through this with me that I realised just how heavy a burden had been placed on me. I actually felt the weight lift off my shoulders. I was suddenly thinking, why am I sitting so slouched, it was of course because the weight was physically pushing me down and I could not feel this until it was taken away.

The truth of the matter is that, yes we are probably her BEST hope in this physical world to nurture and try and help her grow into an adult. However we have FAITH and we know that HE is her ONLY hope - no human can take that on. It surprises me that though these children's services professionals know very well that we have a strong Christian faith, but not once have they in any way checked with us that we are being spiritually supported. When I trained to be an occupational therapist, it was already widely accepted that our well-being is dependant on our emotional, physical and spiritual health and yet not once has our spiritual needs been checked. Thank God for the good spiritual people who have been happy to journey with us and their wise counsel and no wonder so many child placements fall down when unacceptable burdens are (hopefully unknowingly) placed on them.

Life remains turbulent here, and we are finding new ways to try and cope with this, taking every hour as it comes is a good place to start.

#LoveMonday

2011-05-02T10:04:00.001+01:00

I have been counting my blessings for a long time now with Ann Voskamp and the gratitude community that she has developed. It just so happens that she does this on Monday and then today a very nice young man (who does not want to be named but you can find out who by clicking here) has suggested a new tag for Mondays on Twitter. Prompted by news on terrorists on this beautiful Monday morning he has suggested that we use our Mondays to ENCOURAGE those around us (either in body or through the airwaves). Being thankful and encouraging are such an important part of any Christian disciple and I am so pleased to be encouraged to do these things by amazing cyber friends. When we repeat things over and over regularly (as with most liturgy) it is possible to make them a part of our being and I shall certainly try and keep #loveMonday going on Twitter along with continuing to count by innumerable blessings with the blogging community.

550. My garden blooming by itself with no interference from me.
551. Enjoying watching The royal wedding with my daughter on Friday - special times.
552. Relief from a bad migraine with advice down the phone so that I did not have to move.
553. Freshly mown grass.
554. Listening to my children practising the musical instruments.
555. Breakfast dishes piled on the draining board, full tummys in this house.
556. Getting the envelope my youngest and I have been waiting for so that we can write to our new Compassion child.
557. Watching and listening to my 2 1/2 year old Godson visiting the Hovercraft museum with us - so funny how it made his mouth all screw up trying to say it.
558. That feeling of excitement in my tummy when I think of all the good stuff I have got to get on with when work resumes more normality tomorrow morning.
559. My husband, who has to stand by and just watch when my body suffers, who will probably never understand just how much that gentle stroke on my arm means.

Despite misgivings.

2011-04-27T18:31:00.000+01:00

Despite many misgivings, our Easter break turned out to be okay - even quite fun in parts :o). It started off with our trip to Spring Harvest which I talked about in my last post. We then had a nice day at the beach and then onto friends for supper together last Tuesday

Then on Thursday my parents arrived for an Easter holiday stay with us. We also had friends come over who we got to go out for a meal with while my parents sat for the children - this was the first time we had had this particular foursome in an evening for over 11 years! It was made particularly special by the fact that we could walk to a very fine Thai restaurant.

Friday I was working in the morning doing the family service for Good Friday which I took the children to, while hubby was at work and my parents stayed home to do some weeding in my garden for me. That evening we treated ourselves to another meal out this time into the New Forest at another favourite pub restaurant with all the family, that was lots of fun especially as we found a pack of cards to play pontoon with while we waited for our food. We then had a little amble to walk off our fine meal

Saturday we had a lazy day around at home and of course Sunday was Easter Sunday, I took almost 40 children out to do their own activities for an hour in the service. It was also very special as my two youngest took Holy Communion for the first time as well.

Holy Week Blessings.

2011-04-18T19:45:00.001+01:00

I am really praying this Holy Week that I will sense God's Spirit around me. I am really looking forward to doing a family service on Good Friday at one of our churches and taking the children out for some fun and games during our Easter Sunday service. My husband and I are also really excited that our two youngest children are both going to be taking communion for the first time on Easter morning - what a celebration!

540. God speaking his Majesty loud and clearly to me.
541. Watching my 10 year old gaining Independence raising money for Tearfund with a friend..
542. My 11 year old deciding that he wants to start a Christian lunch club at school after the Easter break.
543. Eight young hearts learning about taking communion and teaching me a thing or two as well.
544. The first cut of the lawn of the year.
545. Seeing bluebells appear with just 6 days away from home.
546. My parents agreeing to come and visit for the first time in about 9 months.
547. Lazy holiday time mornings.
548. The first dip of my toes in the sea this year - boy it was chilly!
549. Plans (that have been maturing for 9 years) for a new family bathroom finally coming together.

Tenacious.

2011-04-17T17:54:00.000+01:00

te·na·cious

adjective /təˈnāSHəs/

Tending to keep a firm hold of something; clinging or adhering closely

- a tenacious grip

Not readily relinquishing a position, principle, or course of action; determined

- you're tenacious and you get at the truth
- the most tenacious politician

Persisting in existence; not easily dispelled

- a tenacious local legend

We have just had 5 days away at a Christian family conference called Spring Harvest. It has been an amazingly refreshing break, enabling us all to spend time with God and reconnect our spirits. There is so much choice of seminars, bible studies, kids groups, worship sessions that we were all able to find something that 'fit' us. My wonderful husband had his most intimate moment with God on a walk, one evening, while the children were at their groups and I was listening to the evening worship service in our chalet on the TV (far more comfortable for me than the big top where everyone else meets). The following day he took me to see the thing that had spoken to him - it is the flower in the picture above, along with the word tenacious.

This plant spoke to him of our 14 year old niece for whom we kinship care. It almost feels like she is growing in the wrong place, however she is tenacious and so are we and our prayer is that she will continue to flower and seed and with the help of God some of those seeds might just fall into more comfortable ground.

Discovering Crochet

2011-04-07T10:43:00.000+01:00

I love using my hands, the last big 'new' thing I did with fabric or yarn was the cushion I made for a friend. I have also been busy making a scrapbook for my daughter who turned 10 years old a couple of weeks ago. I will get round to doing a blog on that I hope, I am very pleased with it.

Knitting is something I have always had a project on the go with. However after an unsuccessful attempt at making a cardigan I have got rather disgruntled with my knitting skills. This has prompted me to again look at crochet - I have never been able to learn to crochet using books or written instructions. This became very apparent after a thoughtless purchase some time ago when I decided I would learn no matter what I brought these:

Several attempts and a lot of frustration later it all went back in my knitting bag. What I hadn't ever thought of was using new fangled technology that sits on my lap very regularly to find a video to teach me. Good old Youtube - there are so many people who have kindly made films to show folks like me how to do stuff in nice easy visual ways. I won't advertise any one particular person that I have used as there are so many that I have looked at and picked up tips from. I think it is one of those things where you should look yourself and decide which voice/film does it for you :o).

The first thing I learnt to do was to make a crochet beret hats for me and my girls. These were great fun and very quick to make. I then had a go at making an object and decided on a cup cake as my youngest has a bit of a 'thing' for all things cupcakey. That went well. Then I decided it was time to tackle changing colours in a project and started on granny squares. I am so pleased with the results, here is a picture of my youngest with her bunny 'Poppy' holding the cupcake and snuggled up in her blanket

I now have a long term project on the go - all the wool that I unravelled from the unsuccessful cardigan is now taking the shape of plain granny squares, which I will eventually use another colour to crochet them all together to make a blanket for the sofa downstairs, so that when I am a little chilly but it doesn't warrant any heating going on myself, my husband and kids can all snuggle down together.

I have also discovered that I can use a very small crochet needle and embroidery thread to make some really pretty card toppers, these are some of the most recent ones I have done

I haven't put the whole of the last photo on as I know the god-daughter for whom it is for looks at this blog and I do not want to totally ruin any surprise :o).

I am also now going to take a break from my plain squares to make a present for the same god-daughter, I can't believe she is going to be 8 soon!

Whenever I have a spare moment now I love looking through crochet images on google - it is tremendous what some people have thought to do, this is by far my favourite, I wonder if I will ever get round to having a go at something so vast

Thanking God for everyday blessings.

2011-04-04T14:43:00.000+01:00

There has never been a better time for me to be concentrating again on the blessings in everyday life again. There has not been much change in our turbulent household but thankfully there has been a change in my heart and spirit. Since writing my psalm of anger, a release started, I am praying that is just a beginning for me and I continue to count my blessings.

531. A rainbow over my beautiful blooming magnolia tree.
532. A teen talking.
533. Beautiful tulips given by friends.
534. A new rose arriving in the post - Winchester Cathedral!
535. Untangling tangled childrens hair.
536. The phone and the fab friends on the other end of it.
537. My son bent over a craft project every spare moment.
538. Walking the dog round a field while the children play in the park.
539. Dinner dates put in the diary.

Feeling a little lighter

2011-04-03T13:59:00.000+01:00

What a moan and a rant that last blog was. I am pleased to say I have been feeling a little lighter the last couple of days. Yesterday I went to a conference that was booked through work months ago on young people and their mental health. Although a part of me wanted to just go and escape the family and go to Kempton Park Race course to the big bead show instead I went to the conference. There were a few moments when I had to turn off as it was too painful to hear but the majority of the time was really productive, informative and reassuring. Listening to a Christian Psychiatrist talk along with many other professionals, vicars and specialists tackling all the subjects that I have been facing the last 10 days with secular services was helpful. It has helped me to feel Gods presence in the situation.

I know that we are on a long journey and there may be more sorrow to be felt yet but spending time worshipping God has just reminded me of my small part in a very big picture.

You Never Let Go by Matt Redman - this song helped me turn the corner yesterday.

My Psalm of Anger.

2011-03-31T10:09:00.000+01:00

After another bad nights sleep last night I felt the urge to write a psalm, I then got up and read the scripture union word for the day all about Jonah, asking whether he had a right to be angry. That made me even angrier. I then read this after googling psalms of anger and decided to put fingers to keys.

Where are you God?

What have I done to deserve

watching those around me

being destroyed?

We have tried to do the right thing.

We have tried to make the right choices.

We have not put ourselves first.

And yet all that we do seems in total vain.

I feel I am waiting in the depths

for your hand to come and reach me.

But it does not come.

I am paralysed by the weight

of the troubles around me.

I can see no way forward.

I am sitting here waiting for you.

Are you going to come?

or am I to sit here and watch

the destruction of those I love.

The moments of lightness are getting fewer.

The sighs of those around me are getting louder.

Are you here in this pit with me?

Your Word says that you will be.

If so why can I not see you or feel your presence?

We have held onto the promises of help from the

professionals, again we are still waiting.

Are we not surrendering enough to you?

There is nothing I can do but wait

with sorrow and heavy and wounded heart.

Words.

2011-03-30T09:12:00.000+01:00

Psychiatrists, social workers, therapists, more puzzle peices to try and fit in the picture, personality disorders, manipulation, depression, tears, anger, frustration, despair, sleepless nights, friends holding us up, people praying, days rolling on.

When life turns grey.

2011-03-28T19:32:00.001+01:00

I have had to look back to see when I last wrote a blog post. Life seems to have gone into a different time zone. I couldn't beleive it was only 10 days ago, though with hindsight it is very interesting to see that the last two posts were both about my neice for whom we kinship care.

Nothing could have prepared me for what happened to us all last week. I still am really struggling to process it and so am not going to be able to write very much. I am however very keen to get some thoughts down in my blog as I have always found that when I see my words written down it helps me to feel them.

Last Tuesday night my neice took an overdose. She didn't really take enough to kill herself (there were plenty more available for her), but she took enough to ensure that her health should be permenantly damaged. She sneaked downstairs after we were all asleep and raided my medication, we knew nothing about it until she started to throw up at 5am.

God has been amazing - within 30 hours of having a blood test showing dangerous levels of drugs in her system, after being on an antidote the doctors were amazed that her third lot of blood results were completely clear - they said that should not have happened.

As you can probably imagine, that is not the end of the problems, for two days I did not want to see her again never mind consider having her back living with us. Today was her 14th birthday along with my daughter who has turned 10 years. It has taken every ounce of energy left in me to get through it. If you pray we would very much appreciate as much prayer as possible. This isn't just about one life, it is a whole families.

I normally try and add to my list of 1000 gifts on a Monday with the Gratitude Community over at Ann Voskamps Holy Experience Blog. Today there is only one that I can say and mean

530. Life.

Conspiracy Theories

2011-03-18T19:43:00.000Z

My eldest for whom we kinship care, has been in and out of sorts today. She has had an inset day from school so was with me without my other two, that does not happen very often. There have been times when she has been really really helpful, making my lunch, letting me instruct her as she made a spaghetti bolognaise for tea and making a lasagna. She has spent some time playing music and just chilling watching tv in the same room where I have been crafting. The dog also got bathed my her when I mentioned that I was going to have to do that. Then there have been the moments when she has looked totally miserable. I finally mustered up the courage to have a quiet moment with her to see if I could find out what was going on.

She had come to me saying she wasn't feeling well, I gave her a cuddle and asked whether it was her body or mind that was not feeling good. Both was the reply. I stayed quiet for a moment, "I have been having bad dreams.", "What about?" I responded. "That mummy is in hell", thump, it was like taking a blow to my gut. It turns out she has been thinking that her mummy took an overdose and that we have been covering it up because we don't want her to know that. If she had taken an overdose in her eyes, that meant her mummy had gone to hell.

What awful thoughts to have. I wonder how long that has been stewing around in her heart and brain. A conversation about her wanting to go on anti-depressants followed. That was very tough too, it is harder still because she knows that I am on them and her Grandma too. I don't know if I said the right things. I told her that anti-depressants did not work for everyone and that there were always risks that it could make you worse. I also pointed out that it appears that she only had occasional bad days now, far out weighed by good ones.

She had no desire to go to her band practise this evening, wanting instead to just go to bed straight after tea and wake up feeling better int the morning. When I queried this is was because that is how she sees me dealing with my 'bad' days. We did manage a little giggle that it was only because when you get to my age it is often not practical to go out with your friends to 'play' to distract you when you were feeling low, plus our play is always so much more expensive than hers! I assured her that if I could, I would far rather go and be with friends to get cheered up (now I am questioning whether that is actually true).

We had our tea and by the time it was over she had stepped out of the puddle of despair that she had fallen into and was back to her 'normal' bouncy self again. There was no more said about bed, instruments were brought downstairs without me asking her to get them. So off with her new siblings she went to band. Boy am I praying hard now that she has an enjoyable time there. Another day in the life of a kinship carer.

Realisation.

2011-03-15T15:46:00.000Z

I heard words that I hadn't expected so soon the other night.

"Aunty Jane, I think you were right about my dad".

There has been no reply to her emails for 3 weeks now, she has stopped sending them. The being 'right' refers to a rude word that I called him to her a couple of months ago now when I lost my temper trying to get her to understand how hurt those I love have been by her father. She has been holding onto the fantasy that he will come and take her away from all the sadness and upset caused by her mum dying. We have tried to be as neutral as possible though remaining honest for two years now. I really didn't think this realisation was going to come for a good time yet. My heart aches for her. How can a child stop loving the father who made her? It shows the bond that we were created to have with our creator. However I should not be surprised that human fraility can mess it up so badly.

I know there is a good chance that contact will be made again and she may go back to the idolisation of her father again, it is heartbreaking to know however that realisation will probably come again as well.

Praying for Blessings.

2011-03-14T16:39:00.000Z

Do you know what this is? It is an origami crane. I was told the other week about a Japanese tradition of giving people who have been in your thoughts origami cranes to show them that you have been thinking of them. You would go and see the person you have been thinking about and making for, with a handful of these origami cranes and they would know the precious moments that you have been thinking about them. The cranes themselves are worthless and not particularly precious but the knowledge of you being in a persons thoughts for the duration that one is made is treasure from Heaven.

I could not believe it when I heard all about this. In the first year of writing this blog I wrote a post about 'blessings' bracelets , these were bracelets that I had started making with a needle, thread and seed beads. I started to call them this when I realised that while I was making them I could think and pray about the people I was making them for them. With every bead I picked up on my needle I was praying blessings (most unknown) for that person. Then just the other week I made a cushion for a friend who is sick. This time I knew I was not going to get to see her for at least a week from when I found out she was sick, so I wanted to make something for her that would keep her in my thoughts. I had the pleasure of giving her that gift today and feel blessed myself by her reaction to it.

I have been doing a little more crochet this week in a few quiet moments in the evenings. My daughter will be 10 at the end of the month and has quite a passion for all things cupcake, so I have used those moments to think and pray blessings for her and have this to give her on her birthday.

sorry the quality of the photo is not very good - our camera has broken and I had to use my webcam!

I am going to be doing a talk on 'Prayer' to the young people doing confirmation classes with me at work tomorrow and it has made me think about encouraging them to see counting their blessings as an essential part of their prayer life, and the blessings they can ask for on those who linger in their thoughts.

520. Time to make and pray
521. Lunch in the garden with the sun on my face.
522. Energy to get through a busy day with lots of children.
523. Quiet time with my husband.
524. Attending my first 'ashing' service.
525. The opportunity to offer emotional support to a friend.
526. The gorgeous long brown curls on my sons head.
527. My parents having a good holiday and getting home safely.
528. Eating rhubarb from the garden (frozen from last year), just as the first sprouts of this years is coming through.
529. Hubby winning another magazine competition getting us £100.00!

Join the gratitude community over here

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A missed day.

2011-03-07T14:18:00.001Z

I was not well last week and missed writing down my blessings. Why is it when you have to stop because you are unwell the world does not stop with you? I think it is very unfair that I ended up spending the rest of the week trying to recover and do all the things that I wasn't able to do while in bed on Monday!

I am pleased to say that I did find some space to just be and thanks to the practise of writing down my blessings, I do find that in my 'just being' moments thanksgivings are never far from my thoughts.

This week is going to be another busy one. I am running another children's activity day next Saturday for work if you are interested in what I do as a children and youth pastor you could always go and visit my work blog over here.

On with the blessings:

505. Lots of beautiful sunny days with blue skies.
506. A cold that has quickly blown away.
507. Youtube videos that have taught me how to crochet a hat!
508. A weekend with only my two biological children - a rare treat, enjoyed by all.
509. A happy teen going away with her church youth group.
510. A happy teen coming home with lots of enthusiasm about her doing 'things' better.
511. Contact from my parents to reassure me they are having a good holiday.
512. Photographs are my children charting bits of their whole lives.
513. New double glazing fitted super quick.
514. The strength to just get a curtain rail fixed up.
515. A bag of hand me down clothes for my youngest from a friend.
516. Narcissus opening in the garden.
517. Children playing outside.
518. Husband being asked to be part of a new leadership team for an exciting new venture at work.
519. Volunteers galore!

Lots more people are counting their blessings over here with the gratitude community:

What a Week.

2011-03-04T16:06:00.000Z

This week has just been so unpredictable, I really don't know whether I am coming or going. Last weekend was busy. Monday I felt terrible and ended up in bed all day with a low grade migraine. As my husband was at work, I got up to unlock the doors so that the children could come in from school. After telling them I needed to go back to bed, they were really supportive. My son agreed to cook pasta for the 3 of them to have tea, the oldest two agreed to walk the youngest to her gym lesson, 10 minutes walk from home. I agreed to get up in order to take the older two to their club and to pick up the youngest. On returning home it was straight back to bed and husband was home to do the final collection of children.

Tuesday saw the arrival of new double glazing! We have had two houses of our own since getting married, in both we had one or two windows replaced, but never the whole lot. My husband was left some money which we decided would be best used to get the double glazing done. I still didn't feel great and so didn't want to go into the office to work as it is very small and stuffy and there are usually at least two others trying to work in there who I didn't want to pass my germs onto. So I wrapped up warm and worked from the living room, the only room not being touched on that day while the workman drilled and bashed around the rest of the house.

I was very impressed with how quickly they worked, they came back on Wednesday to do the patio doors, back door and bay window. By 3pm on Wednesday they were all done! My wonderful hubby did all the cleaning up after they had been and today I have managed with his help to get a new curtain rail up in the bay window and the curtains re hung. On top of this I have managed to clock in about 26 hours of 'work' including two evening meetings. I am now sat on the sofa, contemplating the fact that another weekend has come to be - how did that happen? Fortunately other than the normal chores and running a service at church on Sunday morning, there is not much else that needs to be done - maybe I might be able to craft and rest a little?

A Cushion to comfort.

2011-03-02T15:57:00.000Z

I have been a little busy making a cushion. I was prompted to start making by discovering a lovely friend who I have not had any contact with recently has breast cancer and has been suffering terribly with her chemotherapy and still has radiotherapy to go yet. I didn't want to get her flowers as I wanted to make something, and then the idea struck, if she is resting a lot maybe a cushion would be good! I sketched a design after browsing through some crafty blogs. I started by cutting felt pieces and embroidering on them. I already had the felt and thread in my cupboards and I also found a lovely baby pink coloured piece of Aida which I then bonded the doors to before stitching them on.

I then went on a little shopping trip with my youngest to find the material that would make the main cushion cover. I also managed to find a lovely soft cushion pad.

These are the fabrics that we chose and a lovely bit of ribbon.

It was the first time for I don't know how long that I made a gathered ribbon to put around the edge, I had quite forgotten how fiddly this could be!

I decided to bond the Aida to the cotton cover and then stitched around the ribbon leaving a frayed Aida edge.

I finished the envelope back of the cushion with a couple of ribbon ties which keeps everything nice and secure.

What do you think? I am rather pleased with it, I can't wait to go and visit my friend and give it to her, this week I have had an awful cold which I would not be thanked for taking round so I am hoping next week a healthier me can go and make us cups of tea.

Names.

2011-02-21T16:57:00.001Z

My kinship care journey does throw up some strange stuff for me to work through sometimes. I have become increasing aware over the last week or so that my niece is always referring to us to other people with just our Christian names, leaving off the Aunty and Uncle bit. We have had lots of discussions with her over the last two years about what she calls us. At one time very early on in this journey she asked if she could call us mum and dad. At that point I was really not ready for that at all and I knew my daughter couldn't handle the thought of it. Then I noticed just a few months ago before her biological father came back onto the scene after a 6 month absence, that I was quite hankering after her calling us mum and dad.

We have made up names with her sometimes, Manty and Duncle were two of my favorites, mixing mum, dad, aunty and uncle! That has never really stuck either.

When I started to notice this just calling us by our Christian names I have to admit I did not like it. To give her credit she has not been speaking to us using just this name. Why does it bother me? I think my brain was thinking that it was not very respectful. However I have been praying about it over this last week and have really felt God saying to me, "What is wrong with the name that you have been committed to me under?" What can I say to that? Do we not call God and Jesus by many names? Thinking on it further I realised that as a teenager I can be proud of the fact that I have heard her using our real names, not some nickname that she has made up for us, that could potentially be very rude!

Continuing to thank my blessings with the gratitude community:

495. Respectfulness being shown.
496. A Successful 'respite' day for my niece with her Godparents.
497. A flexible job where I can fit in my hours to suit my children's and husbands needs.
498. Enthusiastic children in Junior church.
499. Funds to enable us to see one of my young people from church perform as leading lady in an amateur dramatic version of West Side Story.
500. A successful visit.
501. Completion of crafty God inspired idea for a sick friend.
502. Training days/conferences on many subjects close to my heart that I am able to attend.
503. Crafting with my young daughter.
504. A puppy dog trying and failing to become 'top' dog by sitting on the top of the sofa above my head!

Why not visit some more fabulous bloggings sharing their blessings over here:

When you disagree with fellow Christians.

2011-02-16T12:53:00.000Z

I have got myself involved with a debate on facebook posted by a friend whom I have known for many many years though have only recently become reacquainted after approx 8yrs. His post was asking people to agree with him that the 'equality' bill, which is currently being formulated, was the worst thing ever to happen to a Christian Society, based on this story by the BBC (a story which I have said I think is appallingly written sensationalism). There have been many comments (over 60), the debate has gone off on tangents of which I have been apart. What I have learnt from this experience is that Facebook is not the best place to have a debate, once one starts it can be very difficult to remove yourself from it. I have found it very difficult to not take offense at comments such as 'have you even read this ....part of the bible', however I have tried very hard to stay loving towards all involved in the debate.

I suppose my real bug bear on the whole debate is the feeling that some Christians appear to believe that they have the right to go around quoting the bible to point out peoples sins. Without context I can not relate to this at all. If I am asked my opinion on whether something is a 'sin' according to the Bible, I will use my Bible knowledge to try and answer them clearly. However if I meet someone, or discover that someone I am know is committing a 'sin' as the bible might interpret it, is it for me to go about asking them if they believe in God and the Bible and whether or not they know/realise that they are sinning? Am I, as I feel some are suggesting, condemning them to Hell for not doing precisely this, withholding (I don't think I actually hold them!) the keys to the Kingdom by what I am not saying?

I often reflect of the miracle of my dramatic conversion which I blogged about a couple of years ago here.

Maybe it is because of knowing a life without God that I can have such compassion on those around me without continually feeling the need to point out their sins. There has been one exception to this and I am still trying to let God deal with that, his ways are however gentle with me.

I hope and pray that I am not causing any person I meet to stumble in their relationship or veer away from God in any way. And if I am then I am truly sorry and will repent before my God!

Another Monday

2011-02-14T14:56:00.001Z

Today is valentines day, not a day I can celebrate anything anymore, it should have been my sisters 39th birthday. This is the third birthday she has missed and it hurts more as she stays ageless and our lives move on. If there were only one lesson to take hold of for me since her death, it is to cherish lavishly those that you have around you, so that when the time comes you know you loved all you could. I continue to count with the gratitude community:

485. An amazing trip to America.
486. New dear friends, willing to feed and taxi me around.
487. A family that missed me.
488. A clean house and flowers in the hearth on my return.
489. The familiarity of folding our laundry.
490. All the encourager's that God has surround me with.
491. The moments of quiet and stillness I can find in my week.
492. Knitting nearly finished!
493. The joy of giving home-made presents.
494. Strength of spirit renewed just in time.

My Trip Alone

2011-02-12T13:21:00.235Z

Last Friday morning I woke up early with butterflies in my tummy. The day had arrived, I was on my way to see a friend I had only met over the internet (through blogging, tweeting and facebooking). My parents were very concerned - you should not meet people you have only met through the internet, never mind fly thousands of miles as well. It took a great deal of explaining to my children why in this instance it was a safe thing for me to do. I know my friend was having a bit of anxiety over us meeting as well - what if we didn't like each other in real life!

I needn't have worried - I landed in Boston, USA in the evening after a flight made very bearable by some noise reduction earphones. I really could not have done without them as there was a high school ski party taking up the majority of the cabin (that is why when I checked in on line there were so few seats!). I saw Katharine the moment I walked into the arrivals lounge, we hugged and it felt good.

We then had an exciting adventure on the bus and subway and finally a taxi to get to her home which is within the city boundaries. This gave us the opportunity to start to get acquainted without her children around (she has 5 I was under no doubts chatting would be difficult with them around). There was lots of giggling, even with the taxi driver - I think I may have gotten a little giddy with all the newness! I arrived at their house at about 9pm. It was dark but I could see just how much snow there was around. They live in what I consider a very typical New England home, the houses are around 100 years old in this area. This is Katharines house

It looks big, however this family of seven are having to live with just one bedroom on just the ground floor of their property - that is amazing and the way they are doing it, is such a testament to what God is doing in their lives. (This photo was taken on my last day so the snow had actually melted considerably from when I first saw it).

After an hour getting to know Katharines husband and children I was driven 15 minutes to Brookline where I was staying in a Guest House, and what a guest house it turned out to be:

My room was in the bottom right hand corner as you look at the picture, this was perfect as when Katharine or her husband were coming to collect me I could see them arriving from the warm comfort of my room. My room was just gorgeous, it was huge and beautifully styled, I didn't even have to make my own bed!

There was a gorgeous writing desk which I made use of.

and a pretend fire that made the room feel sooooo cosy.

I had reasonable sleep in a very comfortable bed, I was waking up early every day but managed to snooze again after a bit of a read/write. Saturday morning I went slowly communicating via FB and twitter with Katharine (so no cost involved as there was free wifi!). When I was ready they came over and collected me, taking me back to their home for the rest of the day. We had so much fun, the children are lovely and we had a great time of me giving gifts out and them showing me things that they loved/had made/just wanted to show me. In between Katharine and I got to chat, she is amazing in the kitchen making most of their food from scratch. I had to take this photograph as it was just how I imagined she looked typing away in her kitchen

The older girls took me on a tour of the whole house, how I am praying that they will be able to get it all habitable VERY soon. By the time I was taken home, I felt as though I had known them all forever, I collapsed into bed knowing that Sunday was going to be American Culture Day for me.

The day started going to visit their church which I have blogged about on my work blog here. It was lovely to meet lots of their new friends there. It was lunch time by the time we got back and a lovely pick and mix lunch was put on with home-made tomato soup - yum yum.

We then had an afternoon to while away, playing games and chatting before the big event - The Superbowl. Katharines two boys tried so hard to educate me into American Football, they managed a reasonable job, I did have more of an idea by the time it started than I would have done without their help. During the superbowl we got to eat Tex Mex food which was just absolutely scrumptious (and drink beer!). By the time it finished we were all very tired, it did not take me long at all to drop to sleep when I was taken back to my room.

Monday unfortunately saw me floored with an awful migraine, this kept me in bed all day. However by early evening I was starting to feel myself again and was able to get up and took Katharine out for a meal at an indian restaurant and had more scrummy food, after a quick drop into their house afterwards to let the kiddies know that I was okay and it was back to bed.

Tuesday I took a bit of time to myself in the morning, I walked to Coolridge Corner which is one of two small village centres in Brookline. Here I was able to look around and spent an age in a fabulous bookshop and just generally window shopping. The photo shows a small cinema which I then found out was where Katharine and her husband had their first date!

I then went and got myself a taxi (I felt soooo grown up) to the Boston Museum of Fine Art, which I did a small blog about here, as well as the embroideries there was a great exhibition of http://www.mfa.org/Scassi clothing which was fascinating. I'll blog on that another time. As well as some beautiful stained glass which I adore.

This very much made me think of my other internet friend Susanne who Katharine introduced me to over the blogwaves. Her husband has produced some amazing stained glass.

I had checked out of my guest house but they had kindly let me leave my luggage there, so I got a taxi back to Brookline and Katharine came and fetched me. We had the chance to have an early supper before embarking on a return adventure on the subway to get me to the airport for my evening flight home.

What did I enjoy most about the trip? well it certainly wasn't Mondays migraine! Though to just pick one thing out is just impossible. What I will definitely savour the most I think is the conversation with Katharine. We talked about what God has and is doing in our lives, and I think both felt that my visit was a gift from God for very different reasons to each other personally. One thing is for sure, I know we will be friends for life, I feel so privileged to have met her children and pray that I will get the pleasure of seeing them turn from fabulous kids to amazing adults. I shall definitely be saving my pennies for another visit and pray that they might get over to see us to - I have so much to show them!

My work blog

2011-02-11T07:18:00.000Z

I wrote this blog over on my work blogsite yesterday. It is all about my experience of Church while I was in Boston in America.

English Samplers in New England.

2011-02-10T18:06:00.000Z

While on my travels to Boston USA, I got the opportunity to go and spend a few hours at Boston Museum of Fine Art. I cannot remember the last time I got to spend time on my own in a museum, only looking at the things that I wanted to look at. I had hoped that I would get to take my friend Katharine with me but unfortunately when we had it planned I went and had a migraine for the day! The exhibition I definitely enjoyed the most was confined to one room and it was full of embroidered samplers. Here are just a small selection with a few close ups - it was incredible that as long as you didn't like use a flash you were allowed to take photographs of everything!

I find the detail absolutely incredible.

And adored the sentiments in the paragraph - and it has come true.

These samplers were done by young girls coming over from England as the first settlers were arriving. I had already known that samplers were done as a way of young girls learning how to stitch and for something to do as entertainment options were severely restricted. What I had never appreciated before was that they were doing them not only to learn stitches but to remember them as well. Whereas I can look in books for stitches or look on the Internet to get inspiration when wanting to stitch, these girls had only their samplers to review. It goes without saying then that those that had the biggest variety of stitching on were probably from the most accomplished stitchers. When it came later in life for them to be wanting to embroider pillow cases, napkins, dresses, etc they would look to their samplers and decide on the patterns to use. I far prefer the thought of doing it this way than just looking in books or the Internet as we do now.

Home-schooling - My Way

2011-02-08T10:57:00.000Z

I have friends in real life and through blogging who home-school. I would love to have home-schooled. I have always said that the reason I don't is because I am too selfish with my time. However thinking about it again last night I realise that one reason that I didn't really consider it was because it was still a very alien thing to do, my experience and exposure when my children were tiny was very limited. Now I can see that it probably would not have been a good idea on a full time basis for me. Yesterday I was completely floored by a migraine, in bed sleeping all day. My husband works and so there would have been nobody to spend anytime with the children, I do not think that would have been good.

As my health is generally not as good as my peers I have had to learn an awful lot about time management. My dear friend Katharine introduced me in her blog to the idea of doing things 10 minutes at a time, she has used this to enable her to home school 5 children and still write - she has just finished her first novel! I use the 10 minute concept for everything. On bad days I will clean or do a chore in the kitchen for 10 minutes and then rest for at least as long again. On very bad days I have to break down even the simplest tasks like getting up in the morning.

One thing I have indulged myself in with my rest periods is reading blogs which is exactly what has brought me to the USA to spend time with a friend with whom I have been blog corresponding (as well as by facebook and twitter) for two years now. The blogs I seem most drawn to are blogs on living simply, it just turns out that many of these bloggers are home schoolers as well. I have learnt so much from them and though in the beginning I used to find that I felt guilty for not homeschooling, I can now appreciate the wisdom and look for how I can use it with the time that I do have with my children at home.

I have read this blog this morning from Suzy a UK blogger who is homeschooling her children it is full of such richness for me and encourages me (now with some study behind it) to continue as I am. A conversation with Katharine last night has helped me to also clarify which areas of my children's education needs most of MY attention with the time limits I have. Those areas are:

Social skills
Emotional well-being
Relational well-being (especially through puberty)
Home-making and financial skills.

It is a hard job not being able to do all aspects of the learning (not to say it would in anyway be easy if I was doing that). I am going to have to battle with having to help them to unlearn skills that they are picking up at school in order to make room for the ones that I would prefer them to take on board. That however is a battle I am very willing to take on.

Thank you all my inspiring blog friends for helping me to get this far.

Dear Sis - Letter number two.

2011-02-05T11:12:00.000Z

I have written about the background to these letters over here if you are interested in why I have written them.

So what do I want to say to you Sally? In ten days time you would have been 39. You were only 36 when you died. I am not going to say when you left us, that implies that you had some say in it. I don’t believe you did, given the choice of a healthy life or death you would have grabbed a healthy life with both hands without having to think at all.

I wonder what your daughter would have chosen to do for your birthday – what do you reckon? She has asked me if we can watch Dirty Dancing again. That’s what we did last year, along with eating frozen mandarin cheesecake, she says that was something she had done with you once, a whole one just between the two of you.

You wouldn’t believe what I am doing at the moment. It’s the first spontaneous outrageous thing I think I have done since I had the children. I am on my way to meet someone I have only been in contact with over the internet in Boston in the United States of America. I only booked it 3 weeks ago – how bonkers is that. I hope it inspires both of our girls to believe that it is the sort of thing they can do when they are adults. I am having a real spurt of wanting to ensure that I am setting them both a good example at the moment. This is especially important at the moment as I been a bit too worn out. I am sure you can imagine what a big job having Amy with us is. It seemed so easy when she was a little girl to say to you that we would happily take responsibility for her if anything happened to you. I don’t think I could have ever actually imagined what it would be like if that something did happen.

I guess my little daughter has got to the point now where she cannot actually remember much of what life was like before her cousin came to live with us. Is that a good thing? In some ways I think it is because she cannot miss what she can’t remember, but sometimes it feels a shame, she has had to grow up very quickly. With me coming away she wanted to take on the role of being Mummy in the house, hopefully my darling husband will reassure her enough to not let the weight of that responsibility weigh her down.

You would love your nephews laid back attitude to life. He is finally able to express it as that and not as the uninterested attitude that many people (especially his teachers) have taken it for when he was younger He is an 11 year old boy who is still enjoying (maybe even more than he used to) cuddles and kisses with his mummy and daddy. He is also very perceptive and can see when an argument is brewing (especially between Amy and I) and is often able to say something that brings me back down to earth and to being The Parent again.

My dear husband is just as wonderful as ever. It makes me so proud when I hear him talking to your daughter or about her, an outsider would never know that they were not blood related. I do sometimes worry that our mad dynamic family is wearing him out to quickly though – his memory is absolutely shocking! I feel so sad that you never got to experience the same sort of long term feelings as we have, you most certainly deserved to have someone loving you and taking care of you as I am by him.

Right I am going to finish this off for now, I have completed another first, I have never had a computer on a plane before to tap away on, it’s a very lovely way to have whiled away a little more of the 7 and a bit hour journey I am making. Miss you so much Sal, you are never far from our thoughts xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Excitedly Nervous

2011-02-03T18:50:00.000Z

I am about to embark on a trip abroad by myself, the first time I will have done that since I have had children (over 11 years!). My flight is tomorrow, I'm off to Boston, I'm going to meet up with a friend who I have met through another friend via our blogs.

Thing is I know there will be something that I will have forgotten to take! I am an experienced enough traveller now to know that I will definately have forgotten something. I seem to play this little game every time I go away. Until I leave the door I will be wondering what I have forgotten, once I have left the house, I will start wondering when I am going to remember what it was! Fortunately I have never so far forgotten anything vital like my passport - though have been away with people who have suddenly discovered that they have lost theirs the day before we travel!

One new thing that I will be taking with me this time is our little netbook. We got this second hand from another friend a couple of months ago to help out with the children when they are all needing to look up things for thier homework. As it is considerably lighter than my laptop I should be able to carry it along with cameras in my hand luggage without too much difficulty. This will mean that I can keep in touch with my lovely family at home if the need overcomes me. Mind you it will also mean that if Katharine and I discover we do not know how to communicate face to face we could always sit next to each other with our computers on :o). Hopefully I might even get the opportunity to blog while I am away. What fun!

Monday Blessings on Monday!

2011-01-31T14:57:00.000Z

January seems to have flown by in a breath, here are some more simple things for which I am well and truly thankful for:

475. Bright sunshine and a walk along the beach in January.
476. Chips, Cake and Coffee - shared with a friend.
477. My puppy dog's fluffy coat reappearing.
478. Having plans for the future.
479. Buying beads to make presents.
480. Finding wool on sale and making a scarf.
481. Happy hours whiled away at work.
482. That first cup of tea in the morning.
483. Fluffy slippers keeping my feet warm on cold days like today.
484. Excitement of what the week will bring.

If you want to know more about counting your blessings click the link below to find out more about Ann Voskamps Attitude of Gratitude and how this community shares its blessings.

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Exciting News

2011-01-28T11:52:00.000Z

How I have managed to hold off for a whole 2 weeks without totally spilling the beans on my blog about a certain trip I really don't know.

Just before Christmas my kinship care support worker came back to work after 6 months off. She took one look at my husband and I and said that we looked totally knackered. (Nice to meet you again too I thought).

I hadn't realised just how worn out we were, she took it so seriously that she managed to get us funding to have some respite care for my niece. Respite care in the form of a short term (ie weekend) foster family. That suddenly threw up all sorts of emotions. Does this mean:

She thinks we are failing.
We are failing!
She thinks we can't do this job.
I can't do this job.
She thinks my niece would be better off with other people.
I think my niece would be better off with other people.
EEEEEEEEKKKKKKK.

Fortunately I have a husband who is far more rational than I am on these sort of matters. There were so many reasons why going into a foster care environment would not be of benefit to my niece, that they far outweighed any advantages that we would gain for a weekends rest (we would still have our own children to look after!). His analysis of the situation was that I was the one that most needed a break (remembering that he did have one back in November).

We had some BA airmiles that were going to be worthless in a few months time if they didn't get used so my husband suggested (not for the first time it has to be said) that I go away.

But where to go that uses airmiles.?????????

To make it worth using the airmiles in needed to be a long haul flight....... . Now for two years I have been corresponding via twitter, facebook and blog with a very lovely lady called Katharine, we have found out that we appear to have an awful lot in common. We have often dreamt and joked about meeting up for coffee one day. In a message to me at Christmas she said that she hoped another year wouldn't go by without us meeting in person. Why haven't we met so far......she lives in Boston MA in the US of A. A shortish long haul flight away. So where am I going on my own this time next Friday - you got it! I cannot wait, I am so excited, meeting Katharine will be great but so will having 4 days by myself! I am really hoping that without the need to be watching over my children I might find the rest that my brains so needs. I certainly won't be completely childless while I am away, Katharine has 5! However they will not be my responsibility. I am staying at what looks like a fab little guest house, called The Beech Tree Inn which is only 15 minutes in the car from Katharine's house. Katharine is coming to meet me at the airport, my husband is taking me to the airport which also means we can take the opportunity to go and have lunch with sons God-parents gorgeous friends of ours, before I get my early evening flight.

So just another week to go. How slowly do you think time might drag? Mind you I have got a lot of work to do before I leave so that will probably while the time away a little. Katharine I really can't believe I am actually going to get to see you!

Blessings of the Season.

2011-01-24T20:56:00.001Z

I have managed to get out in the garden this last week and clear some of the debris that the Autumn and Winter has deposited. It was so worth clearing it and I am so thankful for finding:

465. Peeping white drumstick primulas.

466. Peeping snowdrops in the lawn.

467. Peeping narcissus.

468. Peeping bluebells.

469. My husband sweeping up all the leaves and getting them out of our garden.
470. Managing to not over do it in the garden so that I could still walk the next day.
471. No lawn in the back garden and lovely raised beds that I can manage.
472. Winter sunshine.
473. Sneaking to the cinema in the afternoon while the children are at school.
474. New beginnings.

When God Answers Prayers

2011-01-20T09:58:00.002Z

I had a pretty rough ride last weekend. Looking back now I know that it was because I did not like the answer to a prayer that God gave me - very clearly.

My niece (for whom my husband and I kinship care) had some contact with her father just before Christmas. This was the first contact she had had from him for over 6 months. During this time he has moved from Lincoln in the UK to Calgary in Canada. He sent her a letter saying that he wanted to get a better relationship with her. There followed from that letter and a small gift several days of lots of emails flying between them and then they stopped. She sent him several emails saying that she wanted to know when she could go and live with him and he never responded.

There was then no contact again, she went to her therapy session last Friday and came out saying that her therapist wanted to meet her dad. This has been brought up before but she has never asked her dad to come (now that he is in Canada it seems even more unlikely that he would). I tried to explain gently that I was not sure that he would do that, which brought on a torrent of anger towards me from her as to why was I so horrible about him. Unfortunately I saw red and said it was because I thought he was a *insert rude word*. That was not supposed to happen but it did. I then tried to explain how hurt I had been by him for what I saw him do to her mum and how I see him treating her now. I dropped her back to school and spent the rest of the day all churned up wondering what was going to happen next.

As it happens, there was no terrible backlash (as I had expected). That evening my husband and I sat down with her and he asked her what had happened. I then apologised for using rude language about her dad. My husband did his best to try and explain that we have always tried to not speak much about her dad so as not to prejudice her opinion of him. If she wanted to know more details of how we have come to have the opinion that we have we were happy to talk to her about them but if she didn't want to then we would continue to try and keep our mouths shut. There were lots of tears, another step in her grief journey was shown (anger at her mum) and a desire to have her past completely wiped away. It was very hard, my wise husband then gently prayed with us for her and for her father as well as for us all.

Saturday morning a parcel arrived from Canada. The letter inside was very nice, showing lots of interest in wanting to know particular things about her life and showing that he had looked at her facebook page. There was a small gift and a book that he had enjoyed that he thought she might like. It did not answer any of her questions about wanting to live with him. THIS IS NOT THE ANSWER I WANTED TO OUR PRAYERS.

I wanted him to just disappear. Not for any malicious reasons (or not many anyway!) but because I can't bear seeing her hopes continually raised and then dashed. However she wants a relationship with him and we have absolutely no right to do anything to stop that from happening. It is hard, very, very hard. My kinship care support worker is divorced with now grown up children. She said it sounded very much like an acrimonious divorce situation. She explained how hard she had to work to make sure she didn't 'diss' her husband in front of her children so that they could make their own relationships with him. The difference for us is we were never married to her father and we don't know the full details of all that has happened between him leaving the family when she was just 3 years old and my sister dying.

He feels like an enemy (even though I know he doesn't want to look after his daughter, so we don't need to fear him taking her). I know that God wants us to love our enemies. I know that God wants us when asked by an enemy for our cloak, to not stop him from taking our tunic also (Luke 6, 27-31). This is just such hard stuff to do when your emotions tell you otherwise.

Instead of dwelling on this I have decided to find a good side to this story. My niece has a very delicate faith, she is of the age where she is just starting to step out onto the tightrope which is adolescence. She does not think she is worthy of being listened to by God. Her face when my husband said to her on Saturday after receiving her new parcel, "What did we pray for last night?" was such a wonderful picture. Then when she realised that the parcel had been sent before we had even said the prayer, showing just how much God knows us and what we need, before we know ourselves WOW! (Mathew 6,8).

With my mind set back to God this week is progressing well, long may it continue!

Monday Blessings on Tuesday.

2011-01-18T13:45:00.001Z

On Saturday in the middle of the treacle I felt I was wading through, I made an active decision to spend the day being aware of all the blessings that surround me in my home all the time:

455. Lots of food in the fridge for the weekend.

456. Satisfied appetites.

457. Adoring looks from my puppy.

458. A Health Service that is affordable and helps keep me reasonably well.

459. Just a sleeve and the band left to do on my knitting project.

460. Labour saving machines that help keep the household ticking over.

461. Instant answers to prayer, even though I don't particularly like the answer.

462. A job I am really enjoying.

463. An exciting holiday booked.

464. A daughter who knows when I am feeling sad and sensitively tries to cheer me up.

Ten Highs and Ten Lows of Kinship Caring.

2011-01-14T19:03:00.000Z

Kinship caring is looking after a child under 16 who is not your own, not adopted, not fostered, but who you are looking after and belongs to close family or friends. You can find out more about my kinship journey in previous posts that I have written here and here. I care for my niece who is now 13 years old, she came to live with us after my sister (her mum) died 2 years ago. Today has been a very tough day and it might well get worse yet as when my two biological children have gone to bed there is some big talking that the three of us are going to have to do before bed.

Lows:

Every time I look at her I feel sad that my sister isn't watching her grow up.
It is incredibly difficult to know when she is truly feeling ill, unlike how I can tell with my biological children.
Facing her grief is harder than handling my own.
Seeing her rejected over and over by her father.
Seeing my 9 year old learn about things such as self harm.
Knowing that because of her attachment disorder there is every chance I will not get to see whether we are making a difference until she is an adult.
Going to visit friends and staying over is logistically more difficult.
Leaving her with a sitter as we could our youngest two is not possible because of her behaviour problems.
Going on holiday as a family is so much more expensive.
We can never fill the hole that she feels not being with her 'real' parents.

Highs

The pride you feel watching your biological kids accepting a new member into the family.
New friends made.
The friendships that matter becoming so much deeper.
The sense of achievement you can feel they manage the smallest things, eg. getting a thank you out of the blue.
Taking the time of work which meant we could get a puppy.
Being ahead of the game knowing more about secondary school before my biological eldest's friends parents (those that don't have older kids!).
The privilege of being alive.
Discovering that my marriage is made of strong stuff.
Knowing that without God this could have been so much worse.
Watching the three kids play together, like they have never known any different.

Nearly Half Way

2011-01-10T15:51:00.001Z

I feel really encouraged today looking at my 1000 gifts journey, I am getting towards the half way point. Not that I ever intend to stop counting all the small blessings in my life as well as the big, but for an organised person like myself seeing a milestone is always an encouragement in itself.

445. Watching my 9 year old busy herself in the kitchen, cleaning and washing up (pretending to be me!).
446. Sloppy kisses from my 11 year old son who shows no signs (yet) of withdrawing his extravagant hugs and kisses for his mummy.
447. My 13 year old telling the truth when she would normally not have.
448. Knitting and dreaming in quiet moments.
449. Delighting a friend with a simple gift.
450. His Peace that knows no end.
451. Snuggling up with my husband in bed after two nights of him working through the night.
452. Work plans coming together.
453. Seeing answers to prayers for our church starting to appear.
454. Being one week closer to having our double glazing fitted at home.

Read more about the gratitude community and 1000 gifts by clicking the link below:

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Proud Moma Moment - A Different Christmas.

2011-01-09T15:27:00.000Z

At the end of October we went and stayed with my sons God-Parents and had been having a conversation with them about Christmas. Their children are much younger than ours (3 and 1 year old), they are both Anglican ministers and run a Parish in Cheshire together. Christmas therefore is an extremely busy time for them. So far they have managed to keep 'Santa' out of their Christmas celebrations completely. We were having a discussion about how that might continue and it got me thinking why I chose to go the route I did with my family. I have to be honest and admit that it wasn't something I felt I made a conscious decision about. My children are not the eldest within the wider family, so maybe I just picked up the traditions that my siblings and parents had already put in place. I feel quite ashamed that I did not put more thought into it.

In November I was reading another of Ann Voskamps posts at Holy Experience and it shook me to my core, it once again took me back to why as a family we do the things we do at Christmas. In her post she describes how 10 years ago when her son was 5 years old, he suddenly asked why people get presents at Christmas, when everyone normally gets presents on their birthdays and this was Jesus's birthday. Her reaction to this was to invest in presents for Jesus and not for their family members - a tradition that they have carried on ever since.

This year I was working up until Christmas Eve, the first time since I started paid employment within the church. I found this far more focused my mind on the reality of Advent and Christmas. Boosted by the idea that Ann took on for her family, I chatted with my husband and we decided to talk to the children about it. This meant no longer talking about Santa leaving presents, we knew our eldest two (13 and 11) didn't 'believe' in Santa but knew we just talked about him with a twinkle in our eyes, however I was not totally certain about my youngest daughter (9 years). We sat together after a meal and I told them about the blog post that Ann wrote. We chatted about Santa and why we have always followed the tradition that we have - honestly. They were all very interested and understanding in our discussions. Then came the point when I made the suggestion - "How would you all feel about not having presents from your parents/carers this year?" I quickly reassured them that we could still do stockings (small things including lots of sweeties), feeling that cutting everything out might just be too overwhelming. I also pointed out that they would still get presents from wider family members and friends and we would still buy presents for them to.

It was during this conversation that we started talking about the stuff that they often got, usually one main present (a toy, etc) and then lots of smaller presents of things that to be honest I would at any other time of the year buy them anyway. For example, wellies, pyjamas, new underwear, new school bags, etc. We all agreed that generally we are in the very luxurious position of being able to get the things we need in our life. My husband and I most definitely did not 'need' anything and I knew he found present buying very very stressful. We then started chatting about what sort of things Jesus would like for his birthday. With some very gentle encouragement they started to understand that he would probably want things for those that don't have anything, or at least very little.

So on the afternoon of Christmas Eve we sat down together after lunch with an Oxfam unwrapped brochure. I gave each one of us a sum of money and then read through the brochure so we all knew what was in it. Once I had done this we went round in turn and said what we would like to spend our money on. I was so very proud of them all, there was no moaning, no mournful looking faces. Instead we were laughing and playing a little game of guessing how much things might be before I gave them the answer.

It was really lovely when just after the New Year we received a whole load of cards from Oxfam showing all the items that we had purchased, we were all able to again reflect on what we had chosen for Jesus. The photo at the top of the page is just a small number of these cards, but things like a toilet, a shelter, home care assistant and clean water were just some of the things we were able as a family to give to those who needed it.

I have to confess that we did still treat the children - we brought one family present - a games console, the first time I had purchased one of these for over 14 years (and then it was for my husband as we had no children). However we didn't let them see this until they had already opened other family/friends presents and their stockings and been to church, and needless to say it has been a great hit.

My youngest summed up the whole experience this Christmas a couple of days ago with "can we or at least can I do this again next Christmas please". I most certainly think a new tradition has begun.

A Good Friend.

2011-01-07T10:12:00.000Z

Today it is my dear friend Ko's birthday. I have known her since the year we moved to our present home 8 1/2 years ago (where we knew no-one). For her young years (I can say that because she is younger than me!), she seems to have had to cope with far more downs than ups. When I first met her it was in the creche of the church we both belonged to about 6 months after we had moved there. She was dropping off her two children, 3 yrs and a 3 month old. She explained to me that her eldest a little boy had come with his 'daddy' book this morning as he was missing his father - he had died about a month or so previously. She had been widowed just before her 30th birthday with two small children. Our contact over the next 6 months was occasional. We had some play dates with the children (our boys are the same school year). Another vivid memory I have was about 6 months later when she told me she had met some-one through an Internet support forum for those who had lost their partners. It was probably the first time I saw the heavy weight that she had been bearing being lifted. There was a sparkle in her eyes, that was probably when I first really started to get to know her and she was fab!

I read an (as yet) unpublished book that another friend has written last week. In it she describes a sunset, I hope she won't mind me sharing the analogy she uses (I won't write it beautifully like she does, you will have to buy the book for that). It has to do with the fact that a sunset is only beautiful and coloured because of the dust in the air. It is these imperfections that cause the light from the sun to reflect in different ways, without it there would be nothing except plain sun light. I can look at my friend Ko and see this. She is beautiful not just from the outside but from the inside. These last couple of years since the death of my sister, she has been the one person my age (I do like to consider I am younger than I am) who I know has a bit of an understanding of how I have been feeling. This has natural drawn us closer, She married her second husband on my birthday 5 years ago and their second baby together (yes they have four in all) is mine and my husbands youngest God child.

Today we were supposed to go and have a nice birthday lunch together, however her hubby has just popped round to say that she has woken up and been ill so gone back to bed. Something always goes wrong on her birthday - last year it was snow that prevented them from going to the a pre-booked show in London! However I know that we will make up for it soon and just pray her a very speedy recovery and I want her to know just how much I love and adore her. Happy Birthday Ko x.

A Precious Gift

2011-01-05T16:54:00.000Z

My wonderful husband had asked me a few nights ago for a few tips on how to use window movie maker, I offered to show him but he declined my offer saying he wanted to have a go without me seeing - intriguing I thought. Then this evening he showed me why - I feel so amazingly blessed, the only problem I have now is trying to do one of the boys in our house! All the pictures are from 2010, what a busy year we had!

New Years Gratitude.

2011-01-03T10:48:00.001Z

I am very embarrassed to find that I have not written down any blessings since 10 December! I am even more embarrassed to have to confess to have not even taken time to think about them. Time to rectify that I think.

330. Safe journeys over Christmas to the east midlands to see my parents.
331. Contented children on Christmas day though there was very little under the tree.
332. Time spent with friends.
333. Time spent with just the five of us.
334. Discussions with eldest about being adopted.
335. Being able for the first time since Sally died to cook a Christmas Dinner for others. (The last time had been for her).
336. The central heating getting fixed between Christmas and New Year, when our usual workman was on holiday!
337. Early nights and late mornings.
338. Time to read!
339. Friends taking the children overnight so that we can have a morning without them!
440. Seeing the children wearing the gifts that I made them.
441. Not having a terrible hangover when I really did deserve one.
442. Singing down the telephone with the whole family on speaker phone, We Wish you a Merry Christmas to my parents.
443. A visit to my Grandma with my youngest, who coped with a 'demented' conversation so well.
444. My loving God who is always there, even when I might ignore him.

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Two years on!

2011-01-02T16:46:00.000Z

Today is my blogs second birthday! 191 posts have been done and I have loved every minute. Not every post has been easy to write. My biggest blog highlight this year has been joining in the Gratitude Community with Ann Voskamp over at A Holy Experience. It can be a real challenge sometimes when weeks are too busy and the body is failing to look for blessings in the small things we are surrounded by. However the benefit to teaching the heart and the brain to look for these things has certainly made me far more aware of how God is interested in every part of my life and rejoices in all the moments that I share with him.

So I wonder what this next year is going to develop in my blog life. I hope that I continue and definitely improve with my new work blog Life of a Children and Youth Pastor. I hope I can continue and improve on my publishing my blessings on a Monday. I would love to get some more of my crafty bits and pieces photographed and shared. A few hopes is all I have at the moment, that is what I really enjoy about blogging, when ideas come and can enjoy exploring them in writing. When they don't I can continue to read all my fellow bloggers posts and revel in the enjoyment they are having with theirs.

Designing and Creating on a Purchased T-shirt.

2010-12-29T17:40:00.000Z

1. Take one fairtrade cotton white t-shirt from Marks and Spencers £6.00 for a pack of 3.
2. Purchase one tub of dye £2.99
3. Weigh t-shirt to find out if you can dye two at a time.

4. Turns out I could so into the cold dye they go.

5. Once dying is finished, cut out some squares using old clothing, enough to spell the word you are going to do - I decided on AWESOME

6. Some letters I did with ribbon. and stitching.

7. Other letters, I used bond a web to cut out and stick some red fabric cut out letters which I then embroidered around. The remaining ones I did using embroidery thread only.

8. Choosing which way to put the letters took a bit of help from my hubby.

9. The final design chosen was a tick. After bond-a-webbing the squares onto the t-shirt, I crossed stitched around the whole lot.

10. I am pleased to report that my 11 year old son loved it when he received it for Christmas.

When God Moves You on.

2010-12-21T15:55:00.000Z

The trauma that we have faced as a family the last couple of years since my sister died, has totally eclipsed what had been happening the previous couple of years. I have been reminded of these events this week and wondered if blogging about it might help me to see if there is any clarity on an issue which was deeply wounding and painful when it happened.

When we were first house hunting in the south of England back in 2002 we had a huge area to choose from. We marked places in an AtoZ that looked nice where there were reasonable looking schools and churches. When we first pulled into where we now call home it was the school and the church that we found before we found our house. In fact we could not afford the houses that were in this area, they were all at least £10,000 more than what we were budgeting and it would have meant accepting something smaller than we had already. Then we were shown the house that is now our home. It needed a lot of updating and had been on the market for over a year and the sellers were desperate to sell. Because of this we were able to strike a very good deal and got the house! The way all this happened made us feel very secure that God was in control. There were just far to many co-incidences for it to be anything but the RIGHT way to go.

We settled very quickly, threw ourselves into our local community including the church and made some friends that I pray will be friends for life. There were things that were not great, we often felt very unsupported by the leadership at the church, though they were always very willing for us to come up with ideas and let us get on with them. This is where my ministry for children began to grow, I was soon co-ordinating all the children's work, from the creche to Junior Church, holiday clubs, craft groups and special services. I loved it all, there were times when I was brought up short - where I felt my ministry was far more important than anything else (including my husband and children - silly girl that I was). However this ministry grew and we really enjoyed doing things like the Holiday Clubs together.

I began to feel that it was turning into something more than a volunteer should be doing. I spoke with some very wise Christians who supported this growing feeling that I had. I was very aware that I was going to have to go back to paid employment at some point and yet felt terrible at the thought of having to stop all the ministry that I was involved in and could not identify anybody/people to take on some of the roles. I spoke with our minister about this and he encouraged me to write a report for the church council.

In good faith this is what I did, putting forward a suggestion that they might want to start thinking about whether it would be appropriate to employ someone in the post I had been doing (not necessarily me!). This was where everything started to fall apart. The church wardens wrote to me suggesting that I leave my role and that they would not be bringing forward the suggestion to the church council that a paid position should be considered. I was completely floored by this. I had expected to perhaps need to have a conversation with them to clarify what was in the report, so this came as a total shock. I felt accused of trying to make a job for myself and was dumbfounded by having people refuse to discuss things with me.

In a very short space of time I found myself forced to hand in my resignation, we also lost the worshipping community that we had belonged to and had to leave our and our children's friends behind. We did try a few times to go back, however bad feeling remained and we did not feel at all welcome by certain folk. Work wise I very quickly found paid employment with the our local council, working with children under 5 with special needs. It was a maternity cover post so I knew it would most likely end after 9 months, but it was perfect hours and I thoroughly enjoyed it.

.

I was once told by a very wise minister that the best 'ministries' you could be involved in were those that you could set up and then leave without them falling apart. I am happy to see that the two ministries that I set up from scratch for younger children in our previous parish are still going, 4 years after me leaving them. Others that I had been involved in (though not set up) have shrunk. I still do not fully understand why all that happened did happen.

I did go to a workshop recently where we discussed where Jesus sometimes trod softly when things needed to change and sometimes strode in boldly. Is this what we were being asked to do? Or did we in our own strength go in with size 10 shoes on when ballet shoes were required? I am quite content now to leave the wrestling over this alone. Our family life requires this. Do I mourn for our old church and the old job - yes - especially at times like Christmas and every time we have to get in the car to go to our present one. I can even still have times of great regret, however I do still feel God is with me and with the work that I do and so I have to be content that I am where he wants me to be.

Retooning the Nativity

2010-12-17T18:20:00.000Z

This one is even better for those who question the 'traditional' way that the nativity is told these days.

The Christmas Story (HD version)

2010-12-17T18:11:00.000Z

Another video that I have really enjoyed this week:

THE DIGITAL STORY OF NATIVITY - ( or Christmas 2.0 )

2010-12-17T18:10:00.001Z

I love facebook - I don't know how people find these things, just friends of friends passing them on I suppose, it is superby when you come across things like this though:

Dear Sis - letter number one (I have a feeling there might be more).

2010-12-07T19:14:00.000Z

I can't believe it is more than 2 years since we last had a conversation. I know we communicated a tiny bit while you were in hospital those last 3 weeks before you died, but I have to admit that it wasn't really much of a conversation!

I have just been reading Dawn French's book 'Dear Fatty' in which she writes letters to all the people who she feels have played a major part in her life. Lots of them are to her Dad who died when she was 18, which got me thinking maybe that would be a good way to try and get my thoughts down for you - and for your daughter.

'A' lasted for 6 months at Mum and Dads after you left us (sorry that is just how it feels sometimes, but I realise that this makes it sound as though you chose it and I don't know whether you did or not). I know it was all part of the hurting process that she was going through but she really did make her point in very dramatic style! I also think her then new school made a lot of mistakes, with no-one having a clue how to help a child like her. I can see you raising your eyebrows at that - how many times did you face people who didn't have a clue!

Do you feel cheated dying just at a point where you were starting to do things (like walk!) after so many years of being able to do nothing? If there is one thing that I get very angry about for you it is that. Maybe I just like the way it made me feel after all those years of moaning at you telling you to get a grip on the life you still had. I wonder how you feel now about those dark times - do you remember them at all?

I wish I knew how much of those three weeks in hospital you are aware of. I have still not been able to talk to our brother about it, I know he was the last one to have a conversation with you even though you were in a bit of a delirious state, I know you must have been reasonably with it, as I'm told you told him you were not afraid of dying. I find that a bit hard to stomach really, surely you didn't want to leave A? Or did you just know that you were not going to be able to give her what she was going to need through those demanding teenage years? I'm not sure whether I feel proud of you if it's the latter for honesty or cross with you for thinking anyone else was going to be able to do it! I most certainly don't feel as though I am doing a very good job at the moment. Whatever, it's happened now and maybe I am just jealous that he was close by enough to be able to help and have that conversation and I wasn't.

Poor mum is struggling, I think the unresolved grief she had for her mother dying when she was so young, has prevented her from mourning you yet. Dad soldiers on, I still don't fully understand him, I do know though that he is totally devoted to mum and for that I am grateful. Just after the first anniversary of your demise he managed to go and have a stroke that certainly came out of no where just like your ruptured bowel! He was very fortunate to get to the specialist unit near them where he was scanned and on clot busters within an hour of it all happening. It has aged him though, he looks more like Grandpa now, I don't suppose you would remember him to well as I only just do. It's quite shocking to see someone go from looking early 60's as he was to in his 80's in a couple of weeks. That reminds me - were you aware of how many grey hairs you had? Maybe they only arrived in the time you were in intensive care, I certainly remember how it started to fall out in that last couple of weeks.

Well I am going to have to sign off for now, the children have had their tea but it baths and showers for all three tonight. Tuesday is the only night of the week when none of them are out at something!

Love you more J x.

Wintery Blessings.

2010-12-06T18:34:00.000Z

It has been a strange old week, temperatures suddenly plummeting and having escaped the snow the first part of the week, 5 inches of it landed during the night on Wednesday, for us to see on Thursday morning.

I didn't leave the house to go in my car until this morning, having had a warmer day yesterday which got rid of the majority of it. I do like unexpected things happening though - it reminds me to be grateful for every hour of every day.

319. The delight of seeing my puppy dog playing in the snow.

320. Photos and video of the children sledging when my joints are to sore to dare going out to watch.

321. A fantastic time with new friends having a meal and playing games with the children.

322. Christmas cards made in an afternoon.

323. Good times at work.

324. A cold that has almost gone now.

325. Eldest doing her first concert with the Boys Brigade Brass Band at a Christmas event.

326. Our family doing the prayers at church on Sunday.

327. Ordering new double glazing for the house - a luxury we have longed to do.

328. A cup of tea made by my son.

329. Birthday cards for December and a present made.

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Vegetarian Christmas Food

2010-12-01T17:03:00.001Z

For the last couple of years Christmas has been a bit different from how we have usually done things. This year I am trying to get back on track. I have been reminded by two friends in the last couple of days of my 'Christmas Pie' recipe. This has been one of the things I haven't done, fishing out the recipe to scan in for my friends (once you have tasted this pie you never forget it), I was reminded that it tastes even better when it has been made and frozen. It is a recipe that I have been using since the first year we got married 14 years ago, I used to get the BBC Vegetarian magazine on subscription which is where I first saw it. One task I intend to try and get on with in the next week, is to make a good batch of this, the bonus will be that it fills the house with that Christmassy smell :o).

Still Counting those blessings.

2010-11-29T15:34:00.000Z

309. My youngest taking charge of the dishwasher, even though it only lasted a couple of days.
310. Flowers from my youngest Godson to cheer me up when a cold arrived most inconveniently.
311. Blogs that continually inspire me.
312. Facebook chats which are all I can manage when emotion takes over my voice.
312. Hot orange squash to sooth my snuffles.
313. Happy children glad to finish school on a Friday.
314. The pain of another anniversary passing, helping by reassuring me that my sister will never be forgotten.
315. Natures frostring on holly bushes.
316. Piles of paperwork cleared in the house.
317. Cold and frosty puppy dog walks.
318. Cuddling up with this one next to me.

Advent Adventures

2010-11-29T15:20:00.000Z

Come and see how my Advent Adventures activity morning worked

New work blog.

2010-11-24T15:13:00.000Z

I recently restarted my work blog which had been neglected for about a year here on blogger. However I have been having a niggling feeling about it for a while. I am very careful about how I advertise this blog because I have never intended it to be for the eyes of all those closest to me. In fact it has been a place that I have been able to retreat to. I also have never wanted to overtly put any restrictions on who can view this blog, if people happen upon it, then I am happy for that to happen, this is how it helps me to keep myself accountable for my thoughts. However my work blog I have always wanted to be able to shout about - when I have done something that has worked well then I want to tell others, I have learnt so much and gained so much from other people doing this I wanted to be able to share to. Up until now however I have not felt able to because of the link to this more personal blog. Then suddenly the other night the solution appeared - use a different place to start a new work one!

If you are at all interested in what a children and youth pastor might be getting up to then please feel free to come and visit me at

http://lifeofacypastor.wordpress.com

I do intend to carry on blogging here as well, but will try and keep it non-work related!

xxx.

More Monday Blessings.

2010-11-22T18:46:00.001Z

298. A week of my husband away to make my heart ache for him like I forget it can.
299. The silence of a hug given away to show repentance.
300. The wise thoughts of another mother.
301. The wagging tail of my puppy as she holds her toy and looks at me, waiting.
302. Blessings at work.
303. Walking into a near silent and empty Cathedral at 9am on a Saturday morning.
304. Getting e-mail issues sorted swiftly.
305. Having children willing to try giving up family presents for Christmas this year following anothers example.
306. New red shoes.
307. The return to work of my kinship care support worker - I hadn't realised how much I need her!
308. Our first big party attended as a family of 5 (it was fancy dress!)!

Remembrance Sunday

2010-11-14T10:10:00.000Z

When I was 18 years old I was told something by my mother which changed the way I look at war.

My mother was born in Hamburg, Germany is October 1946. Her mother was German, most of her uncles had been fighting with the Nazi's. Her father was a British serviceman. When his term in Germany ended he went back to England leaving his pregnant girlfriend behind. We have a photograph of this serviceman, it is a family photo, he was obviously well accepted attending the engagements of one of my mums aunts. He never made contact again.

My poor mum was born and then had a very tragic childhood, suffering the death of her own mother at the age of six, child abuse by step fathers (one of whom was put in prison), and then being adopted by a young aunt with no experience of children whose husband went on to abuse my mother until she left home to get married at 18 years old.

So Remembrance Sunday is not a day that I feel I can focus purely on the soldiers who 'liberated' us. I have to remember the fallout that occurred to 'normal' citizens in 'normal' families like my own in England, Germany and many other countries. Lives turned upside down and ripped apart because of War.